Help. I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown over marriage

[Heaney75]

As the title suggests - I not doing so well at the moment. I’ve been with my husband for 27 years, since I was 18. So my whole adult life. We’ve had problems on and off for many years. I believe he’s a covert narcissist. He frequently makes me feel bad about myself. He doesn’t support me when I need him. He picked an argument with me the night before surgery last year. In October I had surgery again and he has been cold and monosyllabic since. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I feel that he’s reached a decision too. We have 4 kids. Eldest is 24, youngest is 11. We would hug every day and say love you everyday but haven’t since the morning of my surgery in October. As I was leaving for the hospital - I asked him for a hug (got one) and said ‘love you’, he didn’t say it back. I was having a hysterectomy so fairly major surgery. We haven’t hugged or said love you once since.

I’m terrified of having ‘the conversation’. And I’m absolutely petrified of the prospect of doing it alone.

What you write about your marriage sounds truly awful and what came first to my mind was the saying "Better to end with horror than horror without end."

Could the coversation as first be about a break? I understand that if a relationship is from such a young age, then the thought of a split is naturally daunting. You could start getting you ducks into a row (as they say) and switch your mindset to a future without him.

I am about your age and a lone parent and am so much better since my divorce.

I wish I could give you a hug (Covid-free through the internet). I hope you have recovered well, as much as you can, from the surgeries.

Obviously becoming a co-parent is a big change and change is always scary.

What if you break it down a bit into some more practical things...

What is it about being without him that you find scary?

What does he bring or do that you think you can't do?

Because honestly he just sounds hard work and like it would actually be much more relaxing without him around

Thank you cheesecake. It’s so helpful to hear positive stories. I know this is a common situation but it’s a different kettle of fish altogether when it’s you going through it argh!! I’m struggling to eat, I’m sleeping loads. Just feel so rubbish

Ps internet hugs very gratefully received. Xx

Umpteennamechanges - I guess it’s the financial security. I’ve pretty much been a sahm bringing up all the kids. Our eldest had difficulties with ASD when he was younger and every time I tried to get a part time job, I ended up having to give it up because he couldn’t cope. Our 13 year old daughter has similar problems. I have worked part time as much as I can. I was a freelance first aid instructor before our daughters came along and was good at it and loved it. My husband had a massive accident in 2006 and we then had two more children (I know crazy!). I’m currently a professional artist but my income is sporadic.

My H is very good at making me feel like a child and inadequate. Every idea I have is a bad one. He can’t take any sort of advice etc. Most conversations end up like an uphill battle.

He made me cry on my 40th birthday when we’d taken a trip to New York. This was over money. I wanted to buy myself something from my Dad, who had died only 5 weeks before. H went on and on and ON about how he’s stressed at work and is worrying about money etc etc. How it’s so stressful supporting the family. My confidence is rock bottom. But all friends (who are MY friends because H doesn’t have any) think I’m amazing and so talented and confident. I’m a different person when I’m not around H.

God it all sounds like such an easy decision doesn’t it when I’ve described what my life is like!!

I posted a thread about him on here 10 years ago and the overwhelming consensus was that I’d be better off without him.

He also acting the happiest he’s ever been whilst this is going on. Walking round the house whistling. Being Dad of the year. Domestic goddess. He’s even starting cooking. WTF?!!

He sounds awful. And I bet you didn't treat him like this after he had an accident.

There is a life without him - a much happier life, too.

I fought SO hard for him when he was in hospital after his accident. He was bleeding internally and my first aid instructor knowledge KNEW something drastic was happening. I had a major battle getting him moved to a specialist hospital. Finding the right consultant etc and got him moved. Only for the new hospital to diagnose him with internal bleeding!!! I’ve never had any acknowledgement or thanks from him. All his family thought I was amazing etc and were so incredibly grateful.

He had to have an emergency blood transfusion !!

He frequently makes me feel bad about myself. He doesn’t support me when I need him. He picked an argument with me the night before surgery last year. In October I had surgery again and he has been cold and monosyllabic since.

You'd be unreasonable to stay with a man like this.

I think the fact it was a hysterectomy makes things even worse. How awful of him to do that to you at that time.

HollowTalk, I honestly can’t see how we can recover from this.

There’s things in the past I can’t let go either. How he made me leave my Dad’s funeral early. Suddenly decided at 4pm that we needed to go and beat the traffic. He suggested I stay - but I wasn’t it my right mind and hadn’t made any arrangements, had no change of clothes etc. So I left with him. I’ll never get that time back.

I posted a thread about him on here 10 years ago and the overwhelming consensus was that I’d be better off without him.

This says it all. 10 years 😳😳😳

Imagine you had taken that advice, you'd have had 10 very different years.

Don't sacrifice another 10 years. Thinking about the conversation is worse than having it. 💐

You describe something changing when you had a hysterectomy - no more hugs or “love yous”.

Does he believe that a hysterectomy signals the end of your intimate life and is afraid to touch you or show intimacy?

I do think you need to talk to your husband, find out what is going on in his head, and maybe get some outside support if you might want to try to save your marriage.

Winter, we’ve only been intimate once in about 3 years!

Oh Op,

It is clearly so time...to go and start afresh.

One important start, STOP listening to him undermining you, start listening to comments from others who know you........have a really good think about that.
How would friends, family and co workers describe you?
I suspect you are perfectly capable, stronger than you realise, and fed up with being this unhappy.

Go and see a solicitor and find out what your situation will likely be, then you have a financial starting point.

Think about what job options are open to you or not due to Dcs.

Find out what benefits you may be entitled to.

All this can be done without a big jump or telling him anything.
Get prepared in all ways, imagine that new life. Then decide.
(Although (kindly0 why you would choose to stay is beyond me )

@Heaney75

Umpteennamechanges - I guess it’s the financial security. I’ve pretty much been a sahm bringing up all the kids. Our eldest had difficulties with ASD when he was younger and every time I tried to get a part time job, I ended up having to give it up because he couldn’t cope. Our 13 year old daughter has similar problems. I have worked part time as much as I can. I was a freelance first aid instructor before our daughters came along and was good at it and loved it. My husband had a massive accident in 2006 and we then had two more children (I know crazy!). I’m currently a professional artist but my income is sporadic.

My H is very good at making me feel like a child and inadequate. Every idea I have is a bad one. He can’t take any sort of advice etc. Most conversations end up like an uphill battle.

He made me cry on my 40th birthday when we’d taken a trip to New York. This was over money. I wanted to buy myself something from my Dad, who had died only 5 weeks before. H went on and on and ON about how he’s stressed at work and is worrying about money etc etc. How it’s so stressful supporting the family. My confidence is rock bottom. But all friends (who are MY friends because H doesn’t have any) think I’m amazing and so talented and confident. I’m a different person when I’m not around H.

God it all sounds like such an easy decision doesn’t it when I’ve described what my life is like!!

I posted a thread about him on here 10 years ago and the overwhelming consensus was that I’d be better off without him.

How would it feel to be back here again in another 10 year's time?

I think you already know you would be better off without him so perhaps the next baby step is to start to look at how things would work practically.

Perhaps you can arrange a call with Citizens Advice or with a solicitor to find out what benefits you might get and/or what you would be entitled to in terms of maintenance for your DC?

I paid for a zoom consultation with a family law solicitor about two months ago so know what my financial rights would be. We’re fairly healthy financially and I would be able to buy a house mortgage free so in that respect it’s a huge bonus.

I have the solicitor on standby waiting if I want to proceed any further.

I need to dash out. I’ll be back online later. Thank you everyone so much for your messages. Xx

I paid for a zoom consultation with a family law solicitor about two months ago so know what my financial rights would be. We’re fairly healthy financially and I would be able to buy a house mortgage free so in that respect it’s a huge bonus.

What are you waiting for??? !

“This says it all. 10 years 😳😳😳

Imagine you had taken that advice, you'd have had 10 very different years.

Don't sacrifice another 10 years. Thinking about the conversation is worse than having it. 💐”

This with bells on!

OP you are clearly a resourceful, intelligent woman.

You have a support network of friends who will have your back and you'll have a mortgage free home.

You've absolutely got this...

Do not waste another decade of your life with this man.

How would it feel to talk about this to one of your friends?

Sometimes we need to say things out loud in real life to make a start...

OP - you are lucky in the sense that there is no practical financial barrier to you leaving but please don't devalue the emotional barriers and ties that have led to you putting up with this for so long. Consider doing a Freedom Programme.

Abusers often abandon or take advantage of partners when they are most vulnerable. It hurts like hell. Pregnancy, childbirth, bereavement, illness are key times to press home the message that you and your feelings don't matter. Ignoring, carefree whistling if they can't actually leave or would be judged by others if they did. Soul destroying.

I somehow can't get over things my H did when I was ill, when DS1 was born, when my dad died, when DS2 was born, when my mum died. Because they were wrong - they are not how a partner behaves.

I also have ASD DC and work around this. Somehow abusive partners read this as a sign of weakness - an excuse to step up the abuse to the caregiving partner and eventually D.C.

It feels personal but it's really not. They all follow the same boring, predictable, par for the course script.

I guess I’m just paralysed with fear of actually having the conversation and getting the ball rolling and especially how it’ll affect the kids

I'm in a shitty position where I currently can't leave my narcissistic arsehole of a husband.I need to get back on my feet workwise to establish my own income so I can sort out mine and the kids lives;just us.Even my 2 eldest recognise the situation with their dad isn't right.

I feel your pain;I've been with my DH since I was 16 (about 20 years now),also have 4 kids and also have one with ASD,when I gave up work back in 2018 the fact that my DH was difficult about childcare was a factor in this along with my health.

You have a way out,you have an income and a home even if it doesn't end up being the one you're currently in (I'll lose mine if I leave DH unfortunately).Leave.Do it.Go back to work if you can to the career you loved,live your life and be you.You never you might just end up meeting someone wonderful who's much more your speed.Good luck @Heaney75