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Original poster

He’s great with my dc but not sure he’s for me anymore

46 replies

CKCSlover · 29/12/2020 09:20

Been together 3 years. I fell head over heels for him and wanted to share my world with him, I wanted us to move in together quite quickly as I was just so in love with him. He was sensible and wanted to take things slower and it caused a lot of arguments at the time as we weren’t on the same page.

He’s a great man, amazing with my dc and I also get on with his. He’s a good role model for mine and I believe I am the same for his. However he’s just now decided we should buy a house together, now I know it’s 3 years and probably better timing but I was ready for this 2 years ago and it caused a lot of stress on my part not knowing what he wanted at the time and to be honest I don’t know how I feel now. He’s moved into mine in March (this is what I wanted him to do 18months previous) for the lockdown and although I prefer him here with me, I feel Iv regressed and not sure I even want to buy together now.

It’s like he’s didn’t give me what I wanted two years ago so I got my head around that, hit used to being on my own and got bored of waiting so I’m not bothered now.

But I do want to move to a bigger house so do I just go for it and put this down to just not the excitement of honeymoon period? And it’s not the fairytale I dreamed of (took me being 40 to realise fairytale romance doesn’t actually exist). He would be really upset if I mentioned it and the houses we are looking at are based on what I want and not necessarily what he would be choosing if it was just him.

I don’t know what to do. Don’t ask if I love him because the whole concept is confusing and not something I can understand, I care a lot about him and respect him.

We both have money, both earn similar wages both own a house each we plan on renting out. Both have 2dc each we have 50/50 custody of.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/12/2020 09:23

Sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face, to be honest. Not rushing is sensible when you've both got kids in the mix.

SnowyDayToday · 29/12/2020 09:32

He was right to want to take things more slowly.

NotaCoolMum · 29/12/2020 09:36

Sounds like you wanted to rush things when you were in the “infatuation stage” of your relationship. Now you are in the comfort zone and the crazy rush of infatuation has worn off- maybe you don’t love him like you thought you did.

AuntieStella · 29/12/2020 09:42

If you wanted it 2 years ago, and you've nit split up, it makes no sense whatsoever not to want it now.

Unless you are trying to say that actually you want to split up.

In which case, I recommend you get on with it and do it clearly and cleanly.

And buy your bigger house yourself, even if you have to wait a bit like nger t be in a position to do so

Horseradish01 · 29/12/2020 09:42

He was right and sounds like a very sensible person

LeroyJenkinssss · 29/12/2020 09:42

I do think it comes across as a bit petulant. I think you need to think whether you can envision being together in 5/10 years or not

tropicalwaterdiver · 29/12/2020 09:45

Do you feel resentment towards him? If you are not sure, then don't do it. You can take it slow now and see how things go.

Original poster
CKCSlover · 29/12/2020 09:47

I know he was right in taking it slow to start, although I didn’t want to buy, just to move in with me as I know we were good for each other and I had hurt my back at the time and some extra help would of been good. He’s was also staying most nights anyway just keeping his house for two nights a week whilst basically living at mine anyway without contributing to bills etc. should I hold of on buying a new house because of how I feel now? Or just go for it? I’m so confused on what I should be doing now.

OP posts:
VivaMiltonKeynes · 29/12/2020 09:50

It sounds a bit tit for tat but it also sounds as if you don't know what you want .

Hailtomyteeth · 29/12/2020 09:56

If you don't feel thrilled by the thought of spending your life with him, don't buy a house together. Protect your assets, if you already own a house. Marriage often makes 'mine' into 'ours' and you could lose out.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 29/12/2020 09:56

Why would you further entangle yourself with someone you feel lukewarm about? That's unfair to him, and the dc involved and yourself.

Beamur · 29/12/2020 09:58

Are you maybe getting cold feet and trying to understand why?
By not doing this in the heat of the moment, it sounds like your more measured response is less keen.

Dery · 29/12/2020 10:04

Given there are DCs involved, I think he was sensible. If this relationship was meant to be, your feelings would have survived the 2 years or so of waiting. You yourself say that part of your desire to move in earlier was because you had hurt your back and wanted help with the DCs. If you think he’s not for you, don’t buy a house with him.

category12 · 29/12/2020 10:06

If you don't know that you love him, then you don't. And you should thank your lucky stars you didn't commit fully in the first flush of infatuation.

Sounds like you're not that bothered about him and just want the material things. Which may not be enough to sustain the relationship long term.

I'd put it on hold until you actually know what the hell you want.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 29/12/2020 10:06

I agree he was sensible not to rush things - and if you’re going to resent him for making sensible choices (even when you recognise they were sensible choices) I’d seriously question whether you should stay together - for his sake as much as yours. Because there’s likely to be a whole lot more situations where he might be making a sensible choice that delays instant gratification if you set up a family unit in the future (take joint finances, for example). Life doesn’t give you what you want when you want it at the expense of other’s needs - at least not if you don’t want it to become a car crash!

EagleFlight · 29/12/2020 10:08

It comes across that you are sulking that he didn’t do what you wanted, when you wanted so you are punishing him. I hope that’s not the case and your OP is just missing a lot of info.

Considering you have children, I think he was right not to rush things. As you have concerns, you should do the right thing and say you aren’t sure about buying together now. Work on your relationship and make sure you are certain, either way before making a decision to buy or end things.

Jollibeezus · 29/12/2020 10:08

You don’t seem very excited about this, or him really! I wouldn’t buy with him on that basis.

MrsRogerLima · 29/12/2020 10:09

You sound like a very selfish person OP. You want it your way or no way and to top. It off you don't even love him!

Do him a favour and dump him. He can find someone nice.

nevernotstruggling · 29/12/2020 10:09

Hang on a minute....doesn't contribute to bills???

StacySoloman · 29/12/2020 10:10

Sounds like he was absolutely right to wait.

You were infatuated, in the exciting honeymoon stage and wanted to rush in.

Now things are settled and more mundane, you’re not sure if you love him and want to commit to him.

I’d take a step back, definitely but house hunting on hold, and work out if this is really what you want.

Lozzerbmc · 29/12/2020 10:23

I wouldnt do it if you are not sure.. take your time and see how you feel. I do sort of know how you feel my DP didnt want to marry and ive come to terms with that, but now he might and im not sure!

Not rushing into anything is the answer i think

Dontbeme · 29/12/2020 10:24

@nevernotstruggling

Hang on a minute....doesn't contribute to bills???
That jumped out to me too, so when you were injured and it would have been a help for him to move in he says no, but still stayed most nights without sharing costs? It seems like there is some resentment there OP, you are unsure how so I say don't buy with him and make sure he shares costs if he remains living with you.
Original poster
CKCSlover · 29/12/2020 10:52

I do think I’m resentful about him not wanting the same things as I did at the same time. He also made me feel like all he wanted at the time was to stay for a shag then go back to his own place for his own space. Also with the not contributing towards the bills, it’s not something I have asked for as he had his own house to pay for but looking back it was a luxury for him whilst staying at mine and using all my stuff and not paying anything. I also wouldn’t every ask for money, it’s not my nature and I don’t think it would cross his mind to offer as would of probably just preferred to stay at his more rather than pay money towards my bills. He doesn’t pay anything now either but again, it’s more because he sees that he’s saving to buy a house together. Neither of us can afford to buy a bigger house on our own but both want it. I do have a lot of resentment about our relationship and not sure how to get past it now.
Does anyone have any ideas how to get past resentment and carry on in a relationship that I don’t really want to end

OP posts:
Namechangeme87 · 29/12/2020 10:56

Honestly it just sounds like you have naturally tired of him after the initial infatuation stage , he was right to take tho ha slower . You’d probably have tired anyway I think the being mad he didn’t commit sooner is a bit of a red herring tbh. I aren’t judging I’ve been there some relationships just don’t last .

Try step back from thinking about the past and see what you actually want now

Namechangeme87 · 29/12/2020 10:56

Tho ha ? Things !

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