He’s great with my dc but not sure he’s for me anymore

[CKCSlover]

Been together 3 years. I fell head over heels for him and wanted to share my world with him, I wanted us to move in together quite quickly as I was just so in love with him. He was sensible and wanted to take things slower and it caused a lot of arguments at the time as we weren’t on the same page.

He’s a great man, amazing with my dc and I also get on with his. He’s a good role model for mine and I believe I am the same for his. However he’s just now decided we should buy a house together, now I know it’s 3 years and probably better timing but I was ready for this 2 years ago and it caused a lot of stress on my part not knowing what he wanted at the time and to be honest I don’t know how I feel now. He’s moved into mine in March (this is what I wanted him to do 18months previous) for the lockdown and although I prefer him here with me, I feel Iv regressed and not sure I even want to buy together now.

It’s like he’s didn’t give me what I wanted two years ago so I got my head around that, hit used to being on my own and got bored of waiting so I’m not bothered now.

But I do want to move to a bigger house so do I just go for it and put this down to just not the excitement of honeymoon period? And it’s not the fairytale I dreamed of (took me being 40 to realise fairytale romance doesn’t actually exist). He would be really upset if I mentioned it and the houses we are looking at are based on what I want and not necessarily what he would be choosing if it was just him.

I don’t know what to do. Don’t ask if I love him because the whole concept is confusing and not something I can understand, I care a lot about him and respect him.

We both have money, both earn similar wages both own a house each we plan on renting out. Both have 2dc each we have 50/50 custody of.

@Dontbeme I don’t know how to ask for money now, I don’t need the money and he’s been here since March. In November he started renting his house out though so has extra money for that. I think he’s trying to save a lot as he doesn’t quite have the same deposit I would have to buy the next place so he would be reluctant to pay much. He’s not tight and generally pays more if we go out and would buy me things if I wanted (still i don’t let him as I’m don’t like stuff and can buy my own anyway)

It's ok to change your mind OP and it doesn't mean you are selfish or sulking. Don't worry about what you wanted or didn't want two years ago - think about what is right for you now.

Ok, thanks for all your reply’s. I need to hold off the house hunting with him. Not sure how I’m going to tell him, maybe just not take an interest or maybe just not like anything he shows me.
I’m ready to end the relationship, it’s too good to end and like I said he’s good for my children. People stay in bad relationships for the children’s sakes all the time so I don’t see this as different. I need to talk to him about costs living with me. How do people share that? Seeing as I have and earn a bit more and bills are relatively low I’m not sure what he should be paying so ideas would be good and how to discuss?

I meant I’m not ready to end the relationship

You’re really thinking about staying in a relationship with a boyfriend of 3 years “for the kids”

More than anything that suggests you need to stay single for a while.

I’m not ready to end the relationship, it’s too good to end and like I said he’s good for my children. People stay in bad relationships for the children’s sakes all the time so I don’t see this as different.

Sorry, but this is absolutely crazy. People do stay in relationships for their children, but they tend to be people who have children together, not those who have no children together or any other commitments.

Why not be honest?
Say you don't actually feel ready yet to commit to buying a house together, but that doesn't mean you want to split up. Use living together now as a good test for what living together will be like. Review how you both feel about that in 6 months?

@StacySoloman and @kazzer2867 I don’t see the difference if they were joint children though. Both sets of our children have now got divorced parents and I know both of us would be very reluctant to put the children through another breakup and we see each other a good role models to have in their lives. Plus I’m not staying just for the children, it’s one of the reasons. He is actually lovely, kind and we have great sex. I’m just saying I’m not sure about moving the relationship on more. I know it’s a decision I need to make but I’m just not ready yet and possibly more reluctant because Iv got used to the way things are now and am resentful about him not wanting it sooner. In the last 3 years, 3 of our children have turned into teenagers and it just seems he also wants this because it’s a harder stage and the bigger house would benefit everyone

@Beamur because he’s going to be upset, he’s going to take it the wrong way and think I’m not in this long term, he’s rented his out now for 6 months term and told them it was for as long as they wanted so he will now feel as if he doesn’t have anywhere to go and then me saying I don’t want to buy yet will make him insecure about what's going on. I can’t exactly say well that’s how I felt when I hurt my back and you weren’t here for me, instead asked me to move in with my mum for the help because you weren’t ready for it.
See, it’s the resentment I need to stop, it’s going to eat away at the relationship and I don’t know how do it.
Or would the nice new bigger house make me feel better? One that would be ours that we would both be happy with.

From your updates it feels like you don’t communicate very well as a couple. Did you express or discuss your disappoint about all this to him at the time? About his lack of support and telling you to move into your mum’s? Or did you just try to get on with things.

How do you move past resentment? Honestly, OP in a case like yours where you’re resenting something most of us would agree was for the greater good, I can’t find any way to sugar things other than “realise you’re not the centre of the universe”. Think of how the decision benefitted your children. How it might have benefited everyone in the long run. That said, this jumped out at me earlier:

Don’t ask if I love him because the whole concept is confusing and not something I understand

I wonder if you might benefit from some counselling before taking anything further, as I’m not sure you can really offer anyone a healthy relationship whilst in this state of mind. Many people will say a key component of love is reciprocity which, from your posts and lingering resentment, you seem confused by. Is there maybe issues from your past relationships that need resolving? How is your relationship with your kids’ father? Was he abusive in any way? Or did you leave him for your current DP so feel you need to stay with him because of that?

It seems like he calls all the shots and you sound very passive. So when he didn't want to move in together you didn't and now that he wants to buy a place you're afraid of upsetting him by saying no. How come he always gets the final say? Why aren't you an equal partner in the relationship?

I don’t know how to ask for money now, I don’t need the money and he’s been here since March. In November he started renting his house out though so has extra money for that. I think he’s trying to save a lot as he doesn’t quite have the same deposit I would have to buy the next place so he would be reluctant to pay much

he is saving money be having you provide bed and board for him, he doesn't mind you paying extra to provide for him. That is money that could go towards your kids, or in a saving account so you could have the larger home for yourself, in your name only with all the security that provides for you and your DC. You need to give your head a shake here OP, he is cashing in on your hard work.

Op, why did your marriage break down? I think it's important you analyse if there is a common pattern to your behaviour in relationships. It seems you have an idealised view of relationships and like to live in the honeymoon phase. His response about your mum moving in was probably to try and encourage you to not rely on him. Two years is the minimum before anyone should be commiting especially if children involved.

His decision to delay moving in was very sensible and he was trying to avoid what you are now afraid of....that is, blending the children and then a break up.

Please communicate properly as stalling and lying about houses is cruel and dishonest. Your resentment is yours to work through. Either it's due to your unrealistic expectations or he was behaving badly. Good communication might clear this up..if not you will end up in a messy life, feeling resentful and then a horrible break up.

If you end the relationship, the children will cope. They will see a good mum making wise decisions.

I really hope others might read this as those that rush to blend children do so in the loved up phase. Always wait for at least 2 years for the honeymoon to end as then you'll be in firmer footings.

Hang on, he's been living at yours and not paying any of the normal life costs - heating, food etc - and then since November he's been renting out his place and getting an income from that and STILL not paying anything, just because he likes saving?

Are you mad? You have a fully grown cocklodger on your hands.

In the last 3 years, 3 of our children have turned into teenagers and it just seems he also wants this because it’s a harder stage and the bigger house would benefit everyone

It benefits him to have someone to help with the tough parenting more like. So he lives full time with you and your DC, he pays nothing, he is renting out his own home to save money, his kids stay at yours I presume during his contact time, so you are providing bed and board for free for them too, how many people are you working to support while he saves money? (by spending yours)

Re the money, I'd say that with the new year starting you're going to go over all your finances and get them into shape - it's a pretty common thing - and then you can go through house costs and suggest you start working out how you both contribute. Do it as a fresh start for 2021 thing.

OP - it’s not okay for him and his DCs to live at yours without contributing even if it is under the guise of saving up for a shared property. What about your ability to save? You don’t need to continue this relationship for the sake of your DCs - it’s only been 3 years. They will get over it. And actually staying in a bad relationship doesn’t particularly help the kids. They pick up on the tension and unhappiness and learn bad relationship models. It really does sound like this relationship doesn’t serve your needs and you’re just trying to avoid the temporary discomfort of ending it.

It sounds like he moved in because of the pandemic, not to leech off you. Several couples I know have done this without the partner moving in paying bills - mostly because this is an unprecedented time and there's no certainty about the timeframe. You'd be perfectly reasonable to broach the subject though, and it would be more mature to do this than to seethe inwardly.

But then OP doesn't seem to have gone about any of this in a mature way. Full steam ahead with trying to blend families (and resenting her partner for being sensible!) - which from the updates sounds more like it was motivated by wanting to have some help around the house? This recurring fixation on a bigger, nicer house? Would you be with him if he couldn't help you move up the housing ladder OP?

People stay in bad relationships for the children’s sakes all the time so I don’t see this as different.

And this is lunacy. You don't even officially live together. You have no shared assets or children. This is the perfect time to break it off if you're unsure.

I made this same mistake post-divorce. Fell in love, imagined a future with him, went in full guns blazing...then went off him. It's tricky to extricate from. It's a response to being newly divorced.

Don't buy a house with him. Try not to feel guilty but accept that this isn't right for you. Way better for your kids to do it now. And forgive yourself - it's a tough journey.

Did you get with him quite soon after you split? I made this mistake. Got with someone within a year of splitting and it was like head over heels etc because the last 3 years of my marriage were so shit I was absolutely gagging for some affection. My judgement was very clouded. Within 2 years reality had set in and I realised that he just wasn’t for me. It’s ok to come to that conclusion.