Xmas ruined

[notdoingit]

Soz in advance. Will try to keep it short. In toxic relationship. Have made mind up to leave and just need help sticking by my guns.
Husband disregard for covid rules. Allowed 25 yr old son into the house pre Xmas day. Found out his gf has covid.

Is this your son as well? Just because his girlfriend has covid doesn't mean he does.

You don’t need to justify why you are leaving a relationship. Being unhappy is reason enough.
Blaming someone for seeing their son over Xmas isn’t really fair. I presume he isn’t your son?

He's my step son but him and his gf live together. Her mums caught covid 15 days ago. so they knew as well as DH there was a risk. At present living with DH dad who has COPD. My DH other son who is 12 just visited and he's just been out of hospital after having asthma attack. But still instead of self isolating my DH has sent him
Home to his mum who works in a care home.

Covid issues aside, it seems you have many other serious issues with your relationship. If things have turned toxic and abusive, yes, you should leave him. Does the home belong to your partner?

Apologies as I didn't want to write everything that's happened. It's not just Xmas being ruined, which it was as I had been cooking for 2 days straight for DH to demand that his son and gf could collect their Xmas dinner from us before I'd even had the chance to feed anyone else.
I work FT from home at mo. DH left his job18mths ago and all I do is watch him sit in front of the TV everyday while I work. Money is tight yet he's constantly feeding his eldest son and his gf when they should be supporting themselves. Especially when sim buys gf designer handbags for her birthday then complains they can't afford baby clothes. I feel like my DH priorities are in the wrong place when we have small children that need support.

It's his dads house but he's constantly telling me it's his house and I should leave unless he gets what he wants.
My eldest DD broke down in tears saying she hated him as she remembers the physical abuse he put me through when she was younger.

I think you should consult a solicitor and make plans to leave.

This all sounds very disfunctional. And not great for the younger children.
Covid has been hard on all and it seems that your issues have been amplified.

But as to covid - you are stretching a bit.
Gf’s mother having tested for covid 15 days ago - doesn’t mean GF and your StepSon are carriers. Do you even know of GF saw her mother prior to her getting ill?
And 15 days is over the incubation period anyway. And it sounds like Stepson came in only briefly, so minimum contact as it is.
So absolutely no need to your H to self isolate.

I think you should plan to leave as you sound v unhappy. SS sounds awful too. The covid thing clearly is the last straw. Get some legal advice asap as to your financial situation.

I think you need to start making plans ASAP. The fact that he overlooks your efforts, controls you by threatening for you to leave when he’s not getting what he wants despite the fact he’s left his job and is unemployed and your eldest daughter remembers physical abuse shows that this is not just impacting you, but also your kids. You need to keep yourself and your family safe. Do you think there’s a chance that your husband will be physically abusive if you try to leave with the kids? Do you have any real life support?

Have you taken any legal advice? If not, do that asap. No one else needs to know that you have done that, it can be completely confidential.

My mum and sister support me emotionally. I don't believe he will get physical when we leave. He hasn't been physical for about 5 years. It's just the mental abuse and gaslighting I know will come my, along with the guilt trip.
We also have a son together.
I'm not sure how legal advice would help.

Legal advice would be the first step towards leaving your husband.

He sounds like a brute and you need to be rid of him.

"My eldest DD broke down in tears saying she hated him as she remembers the physical abuse he put me through when she was younger."

No wonder you want to leave.

Please get help and make your plans.

"I don't believe he will get physical when we leave." Maybe not but please be prepared for whatever may happen.

If you are legally married you will presumably want to divorce him and get assistance with the expenses of bringing up children.

He sounds like an utter lazy arse who has several children but doesn't work etc so not sure how much he will help financially. But being away from him will probably help your mental health a lot.

The sooner you are not supporting him and his children (your step children) the better for you and your kids.

@MMmomDD
But as to covid - you are stretching a bit.
Gf’s mother having tested for covid 15 days ago - doesn’t mean GF and your StepSon are carriers. Do you even know of GF saw her mother prior to her getting ill?
And 15 days is over the incubation period anyway. And it sounds like Stepson came in only briefly, so minimum contact as it is.
So absolutely no need to your H to self isolate.

The OP isn't @stretching it a bit'. She says in her opening post that step son's girlfriend has covid, and that step son lives with his girlfriend, so of course OP wouldn't want him in her house! In fact, step son should be isolating and not out at all.

Why are you still with him? Why would you cook for somebody like this for two days!! What on Earth are you doing? You need to stop and get out of this relationship. He’s ruining your life.

The plan is to leave as soon as we can. But at present we are in self isolation as I won't risk my parents health.

Good luck OP he sounds like nightmare.

Thank you all. I'm very grateful for the support. It helps me to stay strong and focused.

Advice needed. So our self isolation ends 05 Jan and I'll be moving my eldest DD out to my parents first as she's really suffering.
But knowing what my husband like, should I tell him beforehand or just do it on the day, day before ?
Haven't spoken to him since Xmas eve and slept in dd's room. Today he's acting like nothing happened.

I wouldn't say anything until you've gone. Men who have been physically abusive will often become their most violent when you are leaving. Why take the risk?

Thanks. I haven't told him anything yet although I think he must know as it is so obvious.
I am dreading the day I leave and his reaction.

Don't tell him! And see if you can get him out of the house for a bit. Or feed him some night nurse. Take everything you've bought (and I do mean everything) get your name off the bills, and take half of any money in joint bank accounts. See if you can get him to give you money for a purchase of some sort or bills and keep the money.

Leave and leave a short note explaining what you have done, why, (don't mention feelings stick to facts) and spell out what's happening in the future eg all contact in writing etc and only relating to any children you have together. Tell him you have been in touch with the 'relevant authorities' and will be ensuring that all abuse stops right now.

You can do it.

Have you friends who can help you pack so you can take things like your sons bed, chest of drawers etc, some pots and pans all in one go (if there’s spare garage space anywhere you can put them?

Don't tell him. Make sure you have any documents you need. Passports / driving license etc. Go on your online banking and remove landline number and change your address.
Are any bills in your name?
You can do this op. He will probably turn on the tears, self pity and then get angry when it doesn't work. It's all normal. Ignore as much as you can. Lots of support here.