Feel constantly let down by friends

[Nanasplit]

I have struggled a lot with my mental health since the March lockdown. Difficult, complex job while homeschooling two DDs, DH is great but works long hours out of the house so pretty much feel like a single mum most days. I also have health anxiety and have gone through a few different (genuine) cancer scares this year. My Dad has just been diagnosed with dementia but my Mum is CEV so I cannot help her as would be too much of a covid risk with DDs at school. I'm struggling with anxiety but just started some CBT, not helping yet but its early days.

A lot of my friends are busy professionals also struggling with young children and work. We try to keep in touch but I only ever get to speak to them rarely and its always cut short because of work or children. I have a few local friends but mainly just people I chat to at the school gate rather than supportive friends. I have found that whenever I message friends or call them theyre pleased to hear from me and we have a good chat but then I never hear from them unless I make the effort.

I have one friend who I would have said is my best friend. She lives locally and we usually see each other twice a week to walk her dog and chat. Have done that for three years, tell each other everything etc. Ive helped her through various things and vice versa. During lockdown we obviously couldn't see each other but I felt really hurt that she also never made the time to get in touch or chat on the phone. She doesn't work but would always say she was busy and there wasn't a good time to call. She has one DD who is in Y7. Once the restrictions eased over the summer she still wouldn't meet me for a walk as she took her DD on her walks instead every day. When schools went back we started meeting up again but then she often cancelled on me at the last minute which I found really hurtful. There was always what sounded like a good reason so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I even asked if everything was OK between us and she said it was. Just before Christmas we were meant to meet up but she cancelled on me the evening before saying that she was going to go for a walk with another friend instead as this friend is going through a difficult time.

But so am I! I now have no one to talk to and no one supporting me. It sounds ridiculous but I spent the whole night in tears after she cancelled as it just feels like there is no one other than my close family who cares about me. I feel so hurt that this person who I thought would be my best friend through thick and thin essentially casts me aside whenever it's inconvenient for her.

Not really sure what I'm asking but I suppose I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable to be so upset over this? It just feels like the last straw and I don't want to be hurt again so I'm considering just not contacting her again. I feel like I need to make a whole new set of friends but that's impossible when we're virtually in lockdown at the moment.

Any advice?

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I think I would concentrate on your other friendships and give this friend some space. She is gently ghosting you and as much as it hurts I would leave her be. Not being awful but maybe she feels overwhelmed with some of the things that are going on in your life at the moment? With COVID etc this might be harder for her to take on. I’d continue with the CBT to help you through your issues and you might find that you are much happier and more positive and not needing so much support from your friends x

I’m in a very similar position to you. I have one friend who contacts me to see if I’m ok. Lockdown has made me realise how shit and lonely my life is. I don’t know how other people have the kind of friends who contact them. If I chase people then I can meet someone for a coffee but it’s always me making the effort. I’m constantly cancelled on and sidelined and I have to chase. I must be a really boring person! I’m actually thinking about moving area and having a fresh start because of this. I feel there’s nothing to lose because I have a really poor friendship group here so I might as well go live somewhere I like. I now have weekly therapy and I’ve found that really helps.

I think this friend isn't a good friend to constantly be cancelling on you, so rather keep a distance.
With the others don't take it personally. I have some really good friends and honestly I do care but I find the day just slips away and I've forgotten to message them.

This isn't really advice on this friend, but I've long observed that friendships seem to be made up of chasers and chased. I've accepted that I'm a chaser and if I want plans to happen I will inevitably be the one doing the asking. It's been the same with virtual meet ups in lockdown. I even have a group of friends where three of us are chasers and the other four the chased, so to speak - it's always one of three who instigates anything the group does together

I have a friend who has a husband, kids, parents and always needs to offload when she sees me. And that's fine, but as a single parent with no family, it means I then have to support the person who has support as well as keeping myself afloat. You don't say if she has a partner, but maybe she just has run out of energy and has nothing more to give to someone else at this point.

I have noticed that people don’t call anymore

I don’t think it’s people dropping me, but more a shift in society: people now WhatsApp or text/social media etc. Doing it like this means you can reply when it suits you, a call almost feels like an intrusion now

The only people I still chat to on the phone are my mum and my brother, and sometimes a group chat with group of friends

I also see my friends a lot less, I felt a bit rejected by this but then I realised life has changed so much, so very much, in the last year. My dog walking friends now walk with their husbands or kids. The only reason I don’t is that my husband is a key worker , and my kids at 16/18 bit that keen on walking with mum

So I have had the same as you, but I don’t think it is about me, but about the massive change in everyone’s life

I cut my friends lots of slack and when we occasionally do meet or chat, I feel grateful but also would not expect to hear from them the week after

Lots of people are hunkering down right now

Don’t give up on your friends, give them space

I agree @LobotheBotanist. No one calls any more and tbh I don't either and when my DPs call me, or my aunt or sister (literally the only people who DO call), I often think 'Oh God I'm going to be stuck on the phone for an hour now' and it's often not convenient and I find myself resenting the intrusion - particularly as my DSis has been going through a hard time and wants to offload and my DM wants to moan about my DSis offloading on her ... argh!

OP your friend is being shit, but maybe she doesn't have the headspace right now to listen to you dumping your mental load on her? I get that you need the support, but maybe the thought of a walk with you while you talk at her about all your woes is just not that appealing? I know that's hard to hear, but if what you really want is to talk to someone who will just listen then I suggest you pay for it. There is a reason why therapists can command a handsome hourly rate and that reason is that generally your friends and family don't want that role!

I don't dump my mental load on her or talk at her all about my woes. We have always supported each other in the past and its usually me helping her out by talking through things in her life but sometimes the other way around. I thought this is what friendship is all about, helping each other through thick and thin.

Maybe I have misunderstood what modern friendship is then and am better off without any friends. The only adult conversation I have is with my Mum and that's mainly her offloading about my Dad.

Feeling depressed about it all tbh.

I totally get what you’re saying OP, I think this year has been an eye opener for me and, like you, I’m questioning if I’m just not liked by people. I thought I was a good friend, supportive, etc but now wonder why no one initiates contact with me. It’s not a nice feeling to doubt yourself is it? I’ve made an early new year’s resolution to find some ways to meet new people (not easy at the moment!) and to try and cultivate new friendships. Hope it helps to know it’s not just you.

Is she a single parent? You don’t mention if she has a partner, but if she is, she probably is just keeping her head above water and not much else can be taken on. This year has almost broken me as a single parent and it maybe it just one step too hard to take on your woes as well.

That aside maybe work on some of you other friendships. Perhaps if you had other people and wider friendship group, one person not being available wouldn’t make the huge hit that this has had.

Friendship is about helping through thick and thin but honestly a pandemic year is not the year to be judging people on how they are your friend. It’s taken it’s toll on everyone and we all have to find our own ways of coping.

You mentioned that she was supporting another friend when she cancelled on you. Perhaps she is doing a lot of support in that direction and it’s time consuming or she hasn’t got any more energy in reserve after that. Perhaps she is under the impression that they need her support more than you? It sounds like you’re over reliant on this one friendship to define your overall feelings about your worth to other people - that’s not healthy to place such expectations on one friend. I think you need to consider why you feel that this friendship should be prioritised by her in the way you’re expecting.

Some interesting thoughts, thanks. She is married but the relationship has its ups and downs and I've been there for her through all of that. We've had countless walks with me essentially counselling her through difficult times and vice versa.

I suppose it just hurts that I thought we were both on the same page and, childish as it sounds, we were best friends, so prioritising someone else over me does hurt, especially when it's a last minute cancellation.

In the past we have always prioritised each other. It feels as though her feelings about our friendship have changed dramatically but I asked her about it a few weeks ago and she said everything was fine.

Just feels a bit like a break up I suppose. I do need new friends and obviously can't rely on her any more. No idea how to go about that in the middle of a lockdown though. Think I'm just going to have to be resigned to being without any adult company/conversation for a while at least.

Still hurts though.

Also, people seem to be assuming that I'm some kind of energy/support drain for her but in the past we've always bolstered each other up and she's always commented how much better she feels after our walks. Until recently.

Perhaps, right now, recently, she can’t prioritise you? Does that mean the friendship is over? Not in my book. You seem to be looking at it as an all or nothing thing. Friendships aren’t like that, sometimes people have other stuff to deal with and aren’t able to give as much time or thought to that relationship. It doesn’t mean it matters less, it’s just we all have a bucket of time, energy etc and if something else uses the fuel in the bucket we can’t stretch to do the other stuff. I honestly think you’re over analysing this and reading more into it than is the reality. She’s probably just like other parents just manically busy trying to cope with Christmas and tiers and everything. Give her the benefit of the doubt maybe.

It’s not ridiculous that you burst in to tears at all, especially when you are going through such a horrendous time. The fact that you have made plans and she has cancelled time and again makes me think she is trying to put some distance between you.It’s very unkind. Friends go through tough times as well as good times. Why she has done this when you have previously supported someone through ups and downs I’ve no idea. I have had this happened recently too even though we have also been through bad as well as good times and supported each other. It still hurts and I miss them.
The fact is if she is a true friend she will find her way back to you. For now, hard as it is, try not to make so much effort and only give back what you receive. I know it is hard and it hurts but you deserve to be treated much better.

Life as a working parent is very busy and there is lot of additional stress and anxiety at the moment. I think you are reading far too much into what is happening with this friendship. I can go weeks and hardly think of my friends - it doesn't mean I no longer value them. Also sometimes even the best of them is too much for me. I've had the same best friend for decades and there are times when I don't enjoy her company - I don't blame her for it, it's usually that I am tired, moody or simply all talked out.

Also it can be hard to deal with someone else's problems when you feel low yourself.

This year I've hardly seen any friends as most of my local friends as have fallen by the wayside either as I no longer have the opportunity to meet them regularly or because they've moved away / moved on. My long term friends mostly live at a distance and are wfh, so meeting up has been off the cards.

I hate phone calls too so find it hard work to keep up even with my dad. He talks at length about himself and barely asks me anything so it's an effort to make the call. I'd much rather go for a pub lunch with him and have a chat one to one but our last attempt (sitting outside) was cancelled due to bad weather and as he doesn't live near me, we just haven't seen each other.

I keep up with them via text, phone or zoom but I don't enjoy communicating in those ways as much. Much prefer going out to meet them somewhere interesting or for a meal. And topics of conversation are lacking - how we are coping with the pandemic is the main one and it's tedious imo.

I do still go out to work so see colleagues and I also enjoy my own company - difficult in a house with a DH wfh and teens. So a solitary walk is fine by me at the moment.

Hopefully things will get back to normal at some point and friendships will re blossom.

@soopedup you may be interested in this thread too about how friends have drifted away. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3938699-i-have-no-friends

Hi OP, sorry you're going through such a tough time. Sounds like you've had a very challenging year.

Does the woman you consider your best friend know how difficult you're finding things? My initial reaction was she was perhaps trying to avoid contact due to fears over Covid and was giving excuses to avoid meeting, and perhaps she's aware you have a CEV mother too. The other reason could be that there may be other things going on that have been affecting her badly that she's doesn't want to divulge, or because she's generally having a tough time herself, doesn't feel she can cope hearing about the bad things others are going through too as it's too much of a mental/emotional overload (some people are like this). She may actually be using this other friend to offload her problems onto as she doesn't want to burden you with her issues since she knows you're going through a really tough year.

It doesn't sound like it's anything to do with you at all as you've been a great friend. Whatever happens with the friendship, please don't blame yourself.

Thank you for the kind comments. I will try not to over-analyse and will see if she suggests meeting up again.