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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband can’t stand me but won’t leave

30 replies

Stiltonloving · 28/12/2020 21:08

My husband and I have had lots of screaming arguments recently. I don’t think our personalities Match. He is naturally lazy and only gets into gear when pushed.
He is unhealthily angry over minor issues.
I am a go getter he is a slow burner. I am fed up of all his obscure obsessions and “rules” at home for example leaving the curtains shut and not keeping any personal papers in the car due to “privacy”.

He told me he can’t live with me and can’t stand me Boxing Day yet says he won’t leave and I should. We have 3 young children and I do most of the childcare. He doesn’t get up and give me a break in mornings. Atmosphere is better when he’s not around and I do things myself.

He blames me for toddlers bad behaviour saying I am “too soft”.

I can’t afford to have a second mortgage alone I don’t think it’s healthy for us to live together in front of the children now we are planning to separate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiltonloving · 28/12/2020 21:09

There is no adult conversation possible or reason. We haven’t spoken since argument he says “leave me alone”. He says I should leave the house so he can look after children without me around but he has no patience with them

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 28/12/2020 21:19

Do not leave the house!

Go to a solicitor and seek some advice.

BluebellsareBlue · 28/12/2020 21:19

LTB if you can. Although we had no kids together (but one each of our own) I was in this relationship for 6 years. He finally left last Tuesday and I have never been happier. No more walking on eggshells, I can sleep alone in my bed knowing he isn't on the couch (because of my snoring allegedly for the last two years), not knowing when I was going to get shouted at for not putting the bum bag in the bin correctly, even though he would never do it himself... I AM HAPPY!! Do it, don't stay in this "relationship " if you can get out. You will be happier, I promise.

FippertyGibbett · 28/12/2020 21:22

Speak to a solicitor first thing tomorrow.
Then live your life to your rules.

voiceofreason1234 · 28/12/2020 21:23

As pp's have said....do not leave the house
Defo speak to a solicitor

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 21:23

I don't care what you have to do, or how hard you have to bite your tongue, but stop screaming at each other around your children. The damage you are both doing to them is horrible. Leave him alone and get on the phone to a solicitor first thing tomorrow.

Original poster
Stiltonloving · 28/12/2020 21:24

Thank you. Yes I know it’s not right when the majority of the time I feel miserable anyway what’s the point.
He sleeps on the sofa but he’s still in the house then sickly sweet with children we ignore each other when they are in bed.

OP posts:
waitingforadulthood · 28/12/2020 21:31

Start steps towards divorce proceedings. Engage a solicitor, work towards mediation (even if this fails you need to show you've done all you can) make sure you have evidence as primary care giver and all necessary financial documents. In the meantime, it's better for children to witness a cold distant grey rock relationship than a fiery combative one. Do not engage in arguments. Do not scream and shout. Try you're utmost to disengage and just follow proper channels until you're out. Either he leaves, or you sell up and move on with the kids, either way it's better than this .

PhillyJoe · 28/12/2020 21:33

The house stuff is so complicated. My ex and I ended up in the same house for a full 2 years after an acrimonious split. I was advised to not move out as I was still responsible for half the mortgage and bills. He also stayed. But we had a spare room so both had our own space. The reality it you co-own the house you can't make him leave (unless he is abusive).

popsydoodle4444 · 28/12/2020 22:09

You know you could get an occupation order for the house?

I'm going to hazard a guess he wants to be the resident parent for financial reasons;he gets the tax credits,child benefit and doesn't have to pay maintenance.

soopedup · 28/12/2020 22:35

He told you he wants the relationship over but wants you to move out even though you’re the primary care giver? He’s having an absolute laugh. Never gonna happen. Tell him to take a hike. Go see a solicitor and don’t engage with him again. Was he that weird when you met him?

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2020 23:34

See a solicitor and talk about an occupation order so you stay in the house, especially given you do the childcare.

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 23:50

Jesus.

Do not leave the house. Get a solicitor ASAP. Does not sound like you can salvage this one and I can’t see how anyone could live like this.

It also sounds to me like he has looked up his legal position and is trying to manipulate you, so I’d assume you are divorcing whether you want to not - do not get taken for a ride.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2020 23:56

He is naturally lazy and only gets into gear when pushed.

That's probably why he wants you to leave - he CBA to move. And We have 3 young children and I do most of the childcare ....he's not figured out how hard it is as you do it.

Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 07:20

He was like this a bit when first met I said I won’t put up with it and he sorted it but recently - maybe due to stress of young children ( although I do most of it) and covid it’s got a lot worse? We also had a huge row last New Years I should have ended it then probably.
Feel sad for my children but the disrespect and argument is suffocating plus these stupid “rules”

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 07:21

If we sold the house it wouldn’t be enough for us each to get a new place. He could move in with his dad technically but won’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 07:23

He also told me to “go fuck myself” apparently it’s my fault as I called him a prick and vile but I can’t tolerate that it’s a step too far.

OP posts:
WB205020 · 29/12/2020 08:09

The only advice anyone on MN can give us to split if you are not happy and the relationship isn’t working.

You called him a prick he told you to go fuck your self. Tit for tat. We dont have both sides of the situation here but it’s clear things are not good. For the kids sake don’t engage in arguments. Speak to a solicitor and begin the process. Don’t call him names and don’t argue with him.

FippertyGibbett · 29/12/2020 08:14

Please contact a solicitor today.
Do you work, does he ? Are the children in school/nursery ?
Do you own your home ?
Do either of you have private pensions ?
What joint/private bank accounts do you both have ? Get screen shots of all if you can.
Do either of you have other financial investments like ISA’s or Premium Bonds ?
The last 4 things the solicitor will want to know.
Do not have arguments in front of the kids, no matter how hard it is.
Keep your conversations about necessary things only, such as the kids or food.
Good luck, and now live your life your way. Open those curtains 😉

Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 08:36

Thanks will try get some advice. We both work the house is split equally. Children in part time nursery.

OP posts:
lilylongjohn · 29/12/2020 09:41

What he does after the house is sold is not your problem, concentrate on you and the dc.

Techway · 29/12/2020 09:56

As you say you are incompatible and if you add 3 young children to the mix then you have a stressful situation.

Please try to moderate your anger in front of the children. There is no point arguing when you know that you can't communicate. Imagine you are in a tug of war competition that you can't win...drop the rope and walk away. All you are doing by arguing is burning energy and causing upset to the children.

You can't change how HE reacts but you can change how YOU respond.

When you first think of separating it never feels possible but there is always a way. Both of you will have less money and maybe a smaller house, certainly for the first few years but you can rebuild. Life gets easier as the children get older and childcare costs reduce. It will be OK.

If counselling is completely off the table then start the separation process. It is best to do this when you feel less anger as you will think more calmly.
First step finances.. what could you afford if you had a 50/50 split of assets and childcare. Are you both earning similar salaries? Are there pensions? Over time the finances have a way of working out...it is just about both of you accepting that lifestyle will be reduced.

As a complete aside.. he has a point on personal papers in the car as identity theft is a valid concern.

Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 15:07

Yes fair enough but sometimes it’s the delivery of it like obsessing over me going to get the papers and really angry over it. I was in the middle of cooking and he said it should be urgent I should do it. Plus with me it’s always “disaster after disaster” blazing angry if the bathroom floor is wet

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 15:07

We are equal earners no special pensions

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 29/12/2020 15:12

@Stiltonloving

Yes fair enough but sometimes it’s the delivery of it like obsessing over me going to get the papers and really angry over it. I was in the middle of cooking and he said it should be urgent I should do it. Plus with me it’s always “disaster after disaster” blazing angry if the bathroom floor is wet
Sounds like he sees you as the house skivvy.
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