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Original poster

A good for now relationship

30 replies

Doddlebug2000 · 28/12/2020 20:30

Just that really. I've been seeing my bf on and off for a year now. I have a laugh with him and we have a nice enough time together, sex is amazing which helps!!
However, I know he's not someone I want to have a future with or progress any with. So in a sense he's good for where I am just now.
He can be a bit dull at times and both shy and introverted. I find sometimes we are together it's on point and it's a great energy, but others he seems to be so withdrawn into himself, its hard to explain really. This isn't enough for me in the long run.
He is also very set in his ways as he has been single a long time so he's out of practice with being part of a relationship, where as I split with my dh of 10 years and then started with him pretty soon after.
So I know I'm not madly in love with him, I can't see him in my long term future, but he's good for just now as a companion and as someone to look forward to text, see, get dressed up for etc

I know alot of responses will say well what does he think about it, here's the other issue, he does not ever talk about his feelings, what he wants out of life, where he wants this to go....nada
He will only answer questions if I ask and I'll often skirt around the answer.

Can anyone relate to this kind of relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 28/12/2020 20:31

I'm 35 and he's 40 btw

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/12/2020 20:42

OP,
You are so young.
You know this is just a killing time thing.
While you are killing time with him you are wasting time that you could be spending time on your future.

You sound great.
But he's not for you.
That's ok.
Just let him go and get back out there.
Focus on yourself, your interests, your future.
Flowers

fairydustandpixies · 28/12/2020 20:44

Sounds like you need to spend some time being single and finding your own way in life rather than rebounding. It's not fair on him or you. End it now and have a breather.

Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 28/12/2020 22:51

I get what you are both saying. It's hard to end it when the sex is so good though and there's a bleak horizon with all the restrictions etc sounds selfish I know!!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/12/2020 22:58

Ok, sincere apologies.

Missed that the sex was fab...as you were..😁...

Enjoy and keep looking to meet a better match.Flowers

Candyfloss99 · 28/12/2020 23:00

I think this is sad for both of you. It's stopping you both from finding a better match.

Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 28/12/2020 23:08

Hard times to meet anyone just now though and for the foreseeable. It doesn't make sense to give up on good sex and mediocre-good company just yet!!
I get where you are coming from though

OP posts:
SnowyDayToday · 29/12/2020 04:53

You're describing every relationship I've ever had.

I'm mid 40s and my relationships have only ever been short term and good enough for now.

You're right about the current situation and sex.

Monty27 · 29/12/2020 05:27

As long as you both know where you're at and it won't end in tears OP

MurrayTheMonk · 29/12/2020 06:52

What you describe sounds like my last relationship to a T. It ended up making us both very unhappy. I ended it and he was devastated. I'll never not feel bad about it because he's a lovely person but he just really wasn't for me on lots of important levels. I shouldn't have let it go on as long as it did, but I was scared of being on my own. Turns out that guilt aside I'm much happier on my own than I was when I was with the wrong person

Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 29/12/2020 10:16

Murraythemonk have you met someone that you see a future with now?
I also feel like as I'm just out of a marriage last year, maybe I wouldn't feel like this about any man just now.
From living in my head and dreaming of not being with my dh for years at the end of our marriage, I now just enjoy where I am now rather than thinking of the future in any sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 29/12/2020 10:17

Sorry just re read that you are happy on your own now!!

OP posts:
YouShouldLeave · 29/12/2020 11:07

Be honest with him.
Don’t string him along and waste his time.

nosswith · 29/12/2020 11:10

If you both want a relationship like you describe, great. But find out if that is the case or not.

2pinkginsplease · 29/12/2020 11:17

Dont string him along, let him find someone who really loves him rather than wasting his time on someone that's not into him apart from the sex.

Allispretty · 29/12/2020 11:25

Why string him along? I think this is really sad and at your age you should have learned to live alone and love yourself enough to do so. I don't understand people who so desperately need companionship Confused

Heartbeats0708 · 29/12/2020 12:26

I really understand what you're saying OP. I've been 100 percent clear and honest but I still feel guilty as I worry he is hoping it will develop into more, though he states not and he's fine with how it is. I can't very well say "well I think you do" and I don't want to end things if we really are on the same page. It's difficult.

Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 29/12/2020 12:38

There's a part of me that is very reluctant to give up a great looking, loyal, kind, good in bed man when reading mumsnet allows you to believe that the pool of decent man is more a puddle!! And that even the decent ones are secretly porn addicts or seeing prostitutes!!
I have myself a decent person here, alot of positives. He's just not rocking my world so to speak

OP posts:
User8673342566 · 29/12/2020 12:39

How many times have I read a thread and seen a woman who was kept as a "good for now" partner and then dumped as soon as a "good for ever" option comes along, and the man is critisised as being a user. Is your partner aware of the temporary nature of your relationship?. If he is, then all is good and what's the problem....? If he isn't I think you need to make him aware in some way that you don't see this as lasting.

Original poster
Doddlebug2000 · 29/12/2020 12:43

Also I'm not scared of being on my own and I like my own space, I've got 3 DC and I love it just me and them. But as I say a good shag and a 'night night gorgeous' text is nice to have!! I'd rather have it than not

OP posts:
Heartbeats0708 · 29/12/2020 13:35

I think the key here is whether or not he knows your feelings on this? My dp does and even though I do feel guilty, I don't feel I can be accused of stringing him along.

Allispretty · 29/12/2020 14:27

@Doddlebug2000

Also I'm not scared of being on my own and I like my own space, I've got 3 DC and I love it just me and them. But as I say a good shag and a 'night night gorgeous' text is nice to have!! I'd rather have it than not
So long as he knows this then there's no issue, if he doesn't know this (which I doubt he does otherwise you would have said) then it's awful and any man would be blasted for doing the same to a woman
Isitsixoclockalready · 29/12/2020 15:07

No reason not to enjoy things as they are as long as, as pointed out before, he is under no illusions.

Monty27 · 30/12/2020 06:31

OP does your DP know where he stands and is he in love with you?

Nicolastuffedone · 30/12/2020 07:24

.....as long as he knows you’re using him, no problem.