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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worried now

38 replies

Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 17:41

Hi all , just after some advice . It’s been a really stressful Christmas as me and DH are divorcing , he is very verbally and emotionally abusive . I am deeply ashamed of this now and have been so worried . I ended up getting quite drunk around 7pm just before kids went to bed , the wine went to my head as I don’t drink much these days , i was playing Christmas music a bit loud and was a bit annoying , my older ds said I was a bit weird the next day .. DH was around the entire time but said I was a disgrace and it was dangerous . Obviously I will never do it again but I am now worried he will try and use it against me in children’s arrangements. I have been primary carer for ten years and do everything even though he has been home during lockdown . I have never done this before . What can I do ? I know I am in wrong btw

OP posts:
LajesticVantrashell · 28/12/2020 17:43

In what way were you wrong? I'm pretty sure there wasn't a household up and down the UK on Christmas Day who didn't have a slightly tipsy family member.

What do you think you've done that's so bad? What is he implying was dangerous about your behaviour?

Original poster
Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 17:47

He said my daughter was sitting on my lap and could have fallen off , it’s a bit blurry . I really regret it as he will definitely use it against me ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 18:06

Can he say I am an unfit mother as I was drunk in front of kids ? He was there too so I wasn’t on my own . I am so annoyed with myself as I know what he is like

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 28/12/2020 18:10

I dont think you’ve done anything wrong. You had a drink at christmas so what - you played lpud music so what!!! He’s exageratting to abuse you further... what a shit he is - see him for what he is!

Orf1abc · 28/12/2020 18:12

One drunken incident is going to mean your children being removed from you, especially not in the circumstances you describe.

Do you drink often, if not to this extent? If so make this the trigger to cut it out altogether.

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a household up and down the UK on Christmas Day who didn't have a slightly tipsy family member.

You're wrong.

Orf1abc · 28/12/2020 18:14

Apologies Chicken I missed out the most important word, one drunken incident is not going to mean your children being removed from you.

JingleJohnsJulie · 28/12/2020 18:14

I once dropped the baby out of bed when after my first night out after having her. If custody was arranged over one drunken night, most children would be in care.

Original poster
Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 18:20

Thanks all . No I never drink to the point I am drunk in front of the kids . I wouldn’t have drunk much at all if I had been on my own with them, I got carried away with family zoom calls etc . The first thing I did was apologise to the kids , my daughter didn’t notice but my son said I looked a bit weird and was playing music to loud . I am so anxious I haven’t slept properly for two days .. i just know he will use it against me. Funny though as he drinks every night ..

OP posts:
LajesticVantrashell · 28/12/2020 18:29

@Orf1abc

One drunken incident is going to mean your children being removed from you, especially not in the circumstances you describe.

Do you drink often, if not to this extent? If so make this the trigger to cut it out altogether.

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a household up and down the UK on Christmas Day who didn't have a slightly tipsy family member.

You're wrong.

Well obviously there are going to be households where no one drank on Christmas Day. I was making a generalisation in order to make the OP feel better.

But sure, focus on telling me I'm wrong.

kursaalflyer · 28/12/2020 18:32

So other people in the room just sat and waited for your dd to get injured, no one thought of taking her from you which would have been a normal reaction.

Dery · 28/12/2020 18:34

Abusers will say anything they can to hurt and scare you. Ignore it. 10 years of good quality care are not going to be undone by 1 slightly drunken evening. No parent is perfect and I’m sure you’re more than good enough. As part of surviving in an abusive relationship, you have almost certainly learnt to give what your STBXH too much power and too much credence. Forget about it. You might find it helpful to read “The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets Into Her Head”.

BiscuitTea · 28/12/2020 18:36

OP, you had a drink but your H was sober and in the house at the same time! This is perfectly normal and he is being a bastard.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 18:36

Ok so not great to be quite blurry about your evening and kids sitting on your lap. Not your finest hour but no harm done as a total one off.

You’ve done the apologies, and I presume agree it want wise and won’t be repeated.

No chance of this impacting anything, although he may bring it up to score points.

Dery · 28/12/2020 18:37

Also - since you’re separating he will be ramping up his efforts to undermine and alarm you because he knows he’s losing control.

Cam2020 · 28/12/2020 18:40

Don't let him get to you. He's an abuser and this is exactly what he is doing now - trying to undermine and scare you.

Cleverpolly3 · 28/12/2020 18:48

He’s full of shit
Even if he wasn’t abusive just ignore the threats because no man actually wants sole custody of the children and to do all the hard work

this sort of behaviour will only serve to illustrate the reasons what you left him

And @Orf1abc I think you know what @LajesticVantrashell meant. It was a broad brush statement to to reassure the OP.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/12/2020 19:11

Unless he filmed it, it's your word against his. If he thought you were too drunk to hold the baby, why didn't he take the baby to hold?

Original poster
Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 19:20

That’s the thing , he could have filmed it . My daughter is nearly 6 so not baby baby but likes to sit on me if I am around ... it’s the only time I have ever been like this around kids . He has broken things in their presence in anger which really scared kids but apparently I was really dangerous . I obviously didn’t film this though

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 28/12/2020 19:26

Even if he did film it, he'd be armed with what? One video of you being squiffy at Christmas? It would be obvious that it was not a regular occurrence if that's, all he had!

HappyDays10101 · 28/12/2020 19:35

He is being ridiculous! Tell him he can have full custody of the children because you’re clearly too dangerous - watch him run a mile.

Original poster
Chicken1980 · 28/12/2020 19:38

I was still up the next looking after them all day . I did feel terrible though !

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 28/12/2020 21:12

@Chicken1980 The next time he has more alcohol than he should. Video him discreetly and keep it. This can be used as evidence that he somethings has more alcohol than he should in front of the dc

Namechangeme87 · 28/12/2020 21:16

U got a bit pissed .

If he filmed it and had concerns about u holding dc and didn’t step in and help then that would only serve to make him look like a dick

Please stop worrying . He won’t use any of this against u it’s a non event

voiceofreason1234 · 28/12/2020 21:21

"Funny though as he drinks every night"

My ex partner was exactly the same, did what he wanted when he wanted, I was also left to be the responsible parent alone. But the only few times I decided to have a drink it was held against me

Do not question or worry about custody over your children over one night you had a festive drink

Jsku · 29/12/2020 01:49

I have been through divorce and child arrangements negotiations recently.
What you are describing - will have no bearing on the negotiations or in court (if you end up there).
What is your current situation - are you negotiating?
Has he used the usual trick of saying he wants kids 50% of the time to avoid paying child support yet?
He might, and might try to use the ‘incident’ to bully you. Don’t let him as it has no merit.

In your place - I’d start a diary on your phone. Record things daily - if briefly. I used to write down if exH been around for dinner with kids, (or breakfast). Times when he was at home but worked though weekends, basically an account of him and his limited involvement in any childcare on a daily basis.
Also if he raised his voice at them or me.
He didn’t drink much - but if he was drunk every night - it’d be in there.
Kept it up for several months as struggled with negotiations. Luckily never had to go to court as I stood firm on what was best for kids and he had to agree.

Good luck!!!!!