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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband refuses to lose weight, keeps buying junk

47 replies

choppet · 28/12/2020 17:03

Hi guys,
Looking for advice. Very much trying to lead healthier lifestyle. I want to lose about a stone or a little less just to be healthier. Trying to create healthy habits for kids too who are doing really well.
My hubby refuses to eat well or rather will eat good foods but huge portions and on top of that will eat loads of sweet things. He also has the likes of cheese with everything and rolls his eyes if I mention it.
He needs to lose about 4. Has been told this by 3 different doctors. He listened when they told him on each occasion but then just does his own thing.
Today, despite 11 selection boxes here, 3 tins of sweets and 2 boxes of biscuits he went and bought giant fresh cookies from the supermarket (the really unhealthy kind).
I am at my wits end. I love him. I want him to be around for our kids. I have sat down and discussed this with him on numerous occasions. Ususlly he gets irritable with me but sometimes does listen but every time the outcome is the same. He just won't exercise and eat smaller portions/less junk. Sometimes he will adopt healthy habits for a few weeks but then reverts back. I feel really upset today 😞

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 17:04

You cannot force him into changing. You just have to try to step back from it entirely.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/12/2020 17:07

As harsh as it sounds, ignore him, you do what you want to do. When he brings the rubbish home, just ignore it.

Oly4 · 28/12/2020 17:10

I am in a similar position. I need to lose a stone and he needs to lose about 3. I am thinking of just having a frank conversation - starting with I don’t fancy you this way.
I know it sounds cruel but it might be what gets through to him. All the chat about health etc gets ignored. It is sad - you don’t want them to have a heart attack or stroke. Also what’s wrong with fancying your fit and healthy partner? I am a little over in my BMI so know this is something I also need to address to get back to where I want to be

FTEngineerM · 28/12/2020 17:13

Totally get this.

Im being lazy and not cooking for myself as much. I’m on mat leave so leaving shopping and cooking to DH, he buy such unhealthy food.

We need an intervention. Argh!

losingtheplotslowly · 28/12/2020 17:15

As someone who has been obese before in their life he will do it in his own time. He knows he is overweight, he knows what to do. He knows the outcome if he doesn’t, however till it clicks and he is mentally ready nothing will work. Sometimes you have to get to your worst ever point in life for it to slap you across the face. For me it was being diagnosed as diabetic and realising I was slowly killing myself. Fingers crossed it doesn’t come to that for him but am spending from personal experience and that of tales of other people who have been in the same boat.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/12/2020 17:18

You could suggest exercising together? Me and my wife have always exercised separately as my type of exercise is normally totally different to hers, but during lockdown, I couldn't do mine as the club was shut. Her classes went online and I did hers with her in the lounge. We had a right laugh and have carried it on, so I've actually ended up doing my normal stuff and hers.

We had morning kickboxing in the lounge today. We work hard, but have fun.

underthebridger · 28/12/2020 17:21

just ignore it. you can't change him

Gilda152 · 28/12/2020 17:22

I suspect seeing you lose a stone will be the spur he needs to get himself into gear. Roles reversed in this house. Husband wants to lose about a stone and tone up, I need to lose at least 3. Believe me if he started getting really fit and looking super trim I would quickly be motivated to sort myself out. I don't snack though but seriously need to exercise and drink water cut out sugar etc.

igotdemons · 28/12/2020 17:23

@losingtheplotslowly

As someone who has been obese before in their life he will do it in his own time. He knows he is overweight, he knows what to do. He knows the outcome if he doesn’t, however till it clicks and he is mentally ready nothing will work. Sometimes you have to get to your worst ever point in life for it to slap you across the face. For me it was being diagnosed as diabetic and realising I was slowly killing myself. Fingers crossed it doesn’t come to that for him but am spending from personal experience and that of tales of other people who have been in the same boat.
Agree with this 👆🏻

I was 10 stone overweight at one point. My DH would occasionally try and tell me (kindly) that he was worried about my health because he wanted me to be around for a long time. Did I do anything about it? No. I didn’t do anything until I was warned by my Doctor that I was close to being pre-diabetic. That was the wake up call for me and I’ve since shed 6 stone.

Your DH won’t do anything about his health until he is ready.

OhBaublesBaubles · 28/12/2020 17:25

He's comfort eating. Something's not right in his life.

Melange99 · 28/12/2020 17:28

I think you need to concentrate on you and your kids and do what you have to to stay healthy. No amount of badgering will make him change his ways, he needs to want to do it himself.

LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife · 28/12/2020 17:34

I am in a very similar position. I'm disabled due to a neurological condition, some days I can't really move much at all, pain, I'm stuck in bed & rely on DH to bring me food (or not). He usually CBA to cook, so I mostly get convenience food, takeaway, & general rubbish. Some days I'm ok, can move about, even exercise, I've recently increased the exercise, & feeling fitter already. When I'm well enough I try to batch cook for later but he won't eat any so it's just for me really. He always says it smells lovely, looks lovely, he tries it & compliments my cooking but just won't eat it - he prefers to eat crap.

Meanwhile he eats rubbish, loads of refined carbs, far too many sweets, takeaway at every opportunity, beer most nights, not enough vegetables, no exercise apart from walking to town for the groceries (which is a reasonable distance TBH).

I need to lose about 3st, he needs to lose about 5st. I'm really trying, he isn't, apart from a nod to "intermittent fasting", i.e. missing breakfast & lunch, then gorging himself at dinnertime & having couple of beers or glasses of whisky. If I try to discuss it he gets really defensive. I'm worried he's heading for a heart attack. He's 40, 6ft 4, & 20st.

choppet · 28/12/2020 17:38

Thanks for all the replies! I am only new to this so don't know how to like comments or quote people etc🙈 but just on the points of being told by a doctor you need to change - that that would be a turning point. He has had 3 separate health scares and been told this and he did nothing about it.
I want to concentrate on my kids and myself but like how can I teach the kids healthy habits or say they can't have treats when their Dad is sitting there visibly overweight eating crap.
I really appreciate all the replies. This was my first post.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 28/12/2020 17:39

Can you manage a joint walk together each day ? Use strava to record your times and distance.

Walking needs no kit and you can do it without thinking.

Baby steps.

Put your scales to kg as we are less familiar and shamed by the numbers !

PhilCornwall1 · 28/12/2020 17:43

Put your scales to kg as we are less familiar and shamed by the numbers !

That's the one thing we don't and won't have in the house, so we aren't slaves to the scales.

I know my weight, as I have to have regular visits to the Doctors for blood tests, so they do my blood pressure and weight. My weight is normally the same, apart from a couple of weeks ago, where I'd lost half a stone in 3 weeks. God knows how!!

Dddccc · 28/12/2020 17:44

Leave him alone the more you nag him about it the less likely he will do anything if anything you will end up ruining your marriage just drop it cook smaller portions or best option buy smaller plates and he will automatically end up with smaller portions

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 28/12/2020 17:45

Me and dh have agreed our sex life needs a boost and we are too fat to enjoy it properly!! Dh has asked for trainers for his birthday this week to make a start running!!
I intend to dust my cross trainer and find the plug!

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/12/2020 17:45

Focus on yourself and the kids, you can’t do it for him.

Don’t let him put you off though.

Jakey056 · 28/12/2020 17:47

Your issue begins at home

'Today, despite 11 selection boxes here, 3 tins of sweets and 2 boxes of biscuits '

If you have all that crap at home how are any of you gonna be a healthy weight??
Bin it and control the food at home so its an effort to go buy junk. Easy to eat if its in your cupboard.

1forAll74 · 28/12/2020 17:50

If people won't be sensible about eating properly, and get too much overweight, and disregard health warnings, there is not much you can do to rectify this, except tell them they are too fat and look awful, which can be very off putting.

nexus63 · 28/12/2020 17:51

i understand how you feel, my partner (17 years but don't live together) had a fall 2 months ago, turned out he had a heart attack, he has an enlarged heart and would need a triple heart bypass but he can't have it as it would kill him, he is now back to eating all the junk he did before, no fruit or veg, after dinner at night he has 2 choc ices, then crisps than a trifle in between that he snacks on biscuits, he can't exercise and can't go out on his own, needs care and been told another heart attack or serious illness could be the end, he is now on quality of life care, he is 60 and they have given him about 3 years, myself and family have tried to talk to him but he just keeps saying ..well nobody lived for ever.

Ilovenewyear · 28/12/2020 17:51

Leave him alone the more you nag him about it the less likely he will do anything
I agree. You’re telling him what he already knows and by going on about it you’ll likely push him further away. He’s obviously not ready to tackle it yet.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 17:54

As pps have said, there isn't a lot you can do if he doesn't want to change! Don't get to your with end or catastrophe about him not being there for your children. Most very overweight people live to see their dcs grow up, at the very least. I think you need to take a step back and take a new approach, if you want to help him lose weight. If you've reached the end of your rope with him entirely, that's another matter.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 17:54

Wits*

choppet · 28/12/2020 17:54

@Dddccc

Leave him alone the more you nag him about it the less likely he will do anything if anything you will end up ruining your marriage just drop it cook smaller portions or best option buy smaller plates and he will automatically end up with smaller portions
He eats at work so unfortunately I have no control over that. It has to be him that makes healthy choices. At work they have amazing facilities and he literally just has to pick the healthy option, they do 5 options each day all colour coded! 🙄
OP posts: