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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband refuses to lose weight, keeps buying junk

47 replies

choppet · 28/12/2020 17:03

Hi guys,
Looking for advice. Very much trying to lead healthier lifestyle. I want to lose about a stone or a little less just to be healthier. Trying to create healthy habits for kids too who are doing really well.
My hubby refuses to eat well or rather will eat good foods but huge portions and on top of that will eat loads of sweet things. He also has the likes of cheese with everything and rolls his eyes if I mention it.
He needs to lose about 4. Has been told this by 3 different doctors. He listened when they told him on each occasion but then just does his own thing.
Today, despite 11 selection boxes here, 3 tins of sweets and 2 boxes of biscuits he went and bought giant fresh cookies from the supermarket (the really unhealthy kind).
I am at my wits end. I love him. I want him to be around for our kids. I have sat down and discussed this with him on numerous occasions. Ususlly he gets irritable with me but sometimes does listen but every time the outcome is the same. He just won't exercise and eat smaller portions/less junk. Sometimes he will adopt healthy habits for a few weeks but then reverts back. I feel really upset today 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

choppet · 28/12/2020 17:56

@topcat2014

Can you manage a joint walk together each day ? Use strava to record your times and distance.

Walking needs no kit and you can do it without thinking.

Baby steps.

Put your scales to kg as we are less familiar and shamed by the numbers !

We can't do this as our kids little so one person needs to be with them. We exercise separately (on the rare occasion he does!)

OP posts:

Mancity100 · 28/12/2020 18:01

As my parents have awful eating habits and it passed down to me , lucky I'm sporty so didnt again much , but stopped sport and boom was massive

I slowly lost weight and changed my life style , I'm not perfect but I have far more energy than before

He needs to set a good example to his children and be a good role model

I have a family member who is super huge who didnt get shown what to eat when she was younger

Original poster

choppet · 28/12/2020 18:02

I tried to reply to someone but I think I did it incorrectly! 🙈
Regarding the selection boxes etc in house they were gifts for my kids and the biscuits gifts from patients for Christmas (I work in a health centre). I intend donating most to the homeless shelter. Will let the kids keep a couple as they are very good and would ration themselves.

OP posts:

Mancity100 · 28/12/2020 18:05

Choppet cant you say do morning before kids wake up , I go morning and partner goes on a night

With covid we been hit and miss but ending the year less weight even though more than start of lockdown

Dddccc · 28/12/2020 18:07

Your issue is if he can't go out by himself how does he get the crap that he eats in the first place someone must by buying it in, if home delivery just reject the junk at the door

Hangingover · 28/12/2020 18:08

I suspect seeing you lose a stone will be the spur he needs to get himself into gear

This happened with DP, he saw me getting into shape and it spurred him on.

We also divvyed the chores in the house so I do all the cooking and most of the shopping so we both only eat what I cook which is super healthy.

Original poster

choppet · 28/12/2020 18:08

Yes we can and do. I was replying to someone saying we should exercise together. That's not an option

OP posts:

Heyahun · 28/12/2020 18:23

I hate this - it’s quite disrespectful to you and the kids - eating himself into an early grave ! Terrible role model!

There isn’t much you can do - I’d probably tell him you are worried about his health and that you want him healthy and alive for you and the kids for a long time etc!! Then it’s up to him.

But tbh if he is still like this a year or 2 down the line I don’t know if I could continue with the relationship - it’s similar to living with an alcoholic who refuses to stop/get help - the end result is the same!

But he needs to be the one to decide to sort himself out - nobody else can do it for him or force him

Funneth · 28/12/2020 18:25

It's really hard when someoe you love is harming themselves in such ways I feel you OP. You have done well for bringing it up in discussion and it sounds likes he's listened a least part of the time which is good. But you can't force someone. Best is to be consistent in following what is healthy over a long period of time, so lead by example. Remember that a diet high in fiber goes a long way as it is more filling and takes longer to digest, if you like it I'd really recommend starting the day with porridge especially at this time of year it's an absolute wonder food and has been linked to longer life many times. Keeps you full for ages and lowers bad cholestrol, you can add all sorts to give it flavour.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 18:25

As someone who lived with an alcoholic for many years, I can tell you categorically that is isn't the same.

But I do agree with your general point. This could be a deal breaker for the op. But I think she needs to support him to make the change himself or, if she doesn't want to stay with him, to make that decision instead. And in that way it is a bit like alcoholism.

just5morepeas · 28/12/2020 18:27

There's very little you can do. I hate to be blunt but you can either put up with this or you can leave him.

And I say that as someone who recently (2ish years ago) lost 2/3 stone after a health scare.

If his multiple health scares haven't promoted a change I doubt anything will. All you can do is be honest with him about how you're feeling. If he still doesn't do anything then I'd think seriously about staying in the relationship and tell him as much.

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 18:29

Does he want to lose weight? I think that's key. If he doesn't then there's not really anything you can do. If he does but lacks motivation could you make some suggestions. Can you do the shopping and do the dishing up if he has no self control or idea of portion size. Could he set goals and reward himself in some way, for example a smoker might save up the money from not buying cigarettes for a treat. Could he work out how much he spends on crap and save up for something he wants? Could he choose the healthy meal at work twice a week perhaps. At the end of the day yo can't fix him so if your suggestions fall on deaf ears you might have to just accept that this is how he is. If that's the case you could ask him just to not eat all the crap in front of the kids.

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 18:31

@Gilda152

I suspect seeing you lose a stone will be the spur he needs to get himself into gear. Roles reversed in this house. Husband wants to lose about a stone and tone up, I need to lose at least 3. Believe me if he started getting really fit and looking super trim I would quickly be motivated to sort myself out. I don't snack though but seriously need to exercise and drink water cut out sugar etc.

I think this could turn out to be right.

Anyway all you can do is eat well and exercise and teach the kids to do the same.

People use food for emotional reasons obviously, so hopefully he’ll start to talk about what it is for him, and to work on it - or he won’t, but nothing you can do.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2020 18:34

If he doesn’t want to change then you can’t make him

DianaT1969 · 28/12/2020 18:36

He might be addicted to sugar and eats to satisfy constant cravings. Has he been tested for pre-diabetes? The way of eating which (in my opinion) might help him combat this is low carb/high fat - particularly if combined with intermittent fasting. But how can you get him to research it and get on board? There's a supportive bootcamp thread on MN run by BIWI. Diet Doctor website has inspiring stories. You could add Delay Don't Deny group to his Facebook feed.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 18:41

I think the most powerful thing you can do is to get into the best shape of your life and really focus on your health. I think seeing a positive example might be the only thing that gets him off his arse.

How long are you willing to put up with this, though? It won't be long until his life is massively affected by his obesity, and in turn, your life. Your sex life will be nonexistent and you'll be his carer. Are you not really turned off by his obesity? I would be. I would not be able to be married to someone who had so little regard for their own health and the security of their family.

shamalidacdak · 28/12/2020 18:45

Could you give him an appetite suppressant?

Sarcobaleno · 28/12/2020 19:02

This is controversial but I wouldn't be encouraging him to exercise. In my experience my husband felt exercise justified even more eating. He's since figured out it is a million times easier to lose weight by lowering calorie intake than by increasing exercise. It's going to make it harder for you but I'd try to ignore him and focus on your own commitment. You might inspire him. Good luck.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/12/2020 19:04

Tell your husband you are giving up. You love him and want him to be healthy and around for a long time but he is an adult. He can eat what and how much he wants and you will not nag about it. BUT--

He is not to give or encourage the children to ask for any of the junk he eats, AND
You want all his details so you can buy more life insurance on him.

WinniePig · 28/12/2020 19:27

My DH and I fell into a trap of unhealthy eating (huge portions and snacking after kids had gone to bed). Managed to break cycle by signing up to My Fitness Pal and sticking to the target calories for a few weeks. We both lost a stone but more importantly managed to kick the habit of overeating and snacking. You need to show him how to change. Sign him up and see how it goes. I lost a stone and am now 7 stone 12. All the fat around my stomach has gone and I feel so much better - more energy! In the end, it was less about weight loss and more about kicking the unhealthy habits. I now weigh my food to make sure I eat sensible portions. Before I would probably eat 100g muesli instead of 45g. Crazy! Why was I eating so much???

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 19:35

@Sarcobaleno

I think you're right if weight loss is the main goal. And at his weight, maybe that really should be his primary concern. However, exercise, even if you are overweight, has so many amazing health benefits. Personally, I'd prioritise fitness over weight loss, but I don't have the sort of weight problem the OP's dh has.

Original poster

choppet · 28/12/2020 19:57

Thanks guys. We have tried SW, WW even £600 on hypnotherapy 🙄 it's always someone or something else's fault. He had 2 gym memberships-simultaneously! Never went to either. And as someone said no I don't find him sexually attractive.
I think I will do what some of you said and just focus on my own fitness. I cant see myself staying with him long term if it continues. Its been like this on and off for 10 years but he's probably at his worst now. He's only 38. He's the only fat dad at the school etc and its getting me down that kids are starting to notice.

OP posts:

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