Mother - controlling?!

[crispychristmas]

For background I am a grown married adult with children. My relationship with my mum has always been strained, we clash for whatever reason but I have a very stable, mc upbringing nothing dreadful to speak of. However my mum is very in my eyes controlling, I have rock bottom self esteem from years of no encouragement or genuine praise etc and I tend to pull away and be low contact as an adult as a result. Forgetting Covid restrictions my mum told me she may drop round my Christmas presents on Boxing Day but I didn't Confirm this was ok and she didn't call ahead (an hours journey for her ) or ask my permission or state a time. So on Boxing Day she drops round the presents. I'm sat in the comfort of my own home when she appears. I'm so angered I feel this is so intrusive. I don't open the door (she doesn't ring the bell) because I'm so angry so then I get a text and missed call to tell me she's dropped off the presents. Again I dont respond because I'm trying not to lose my cool.
I can't believe day she didn't call ahead. I find this really intrusive and controlling hidden behind a 'nice gesture' of dropping off Christmas presents.
Am I wrong here? Prepared to be told I am!

On the face of what you say, many will probably say you are in the wrong. I am sensing a lot of untold (possibly even unrecognised by you, to some extent) back story. That sort of knee-jerk rage does not usually come from nowhere and I know it well. On this particular occasion you may well have over-reacted. You didn't respond to her suggestion so what was she to do having made it? And how else was she to get the presents to you? What did you do about your present to her? You are giving her every opportunity to take the moral high ground and I think you may need to consider other ways of managing this relationship going forward. If you have not already come across the "But We Took You To Stately Homes" threads then they may be worth a dip into.

I agree with pp, there's more to it than this. I can imagine being furious but taking your post at face value, she wasn't massively intrusive by just leaving the presents; so not demanding to come in and be entertained etc..

What they said. We are missing the back story to know why this is intrusive. Also seems slightly odd that you would know about the message, yet didn't reply before she set out on her 1 hour journey,

Unless there is a good back story I think it is strange behaviour on your part.

I think she should have called ahead at the very least. Because I had no idea she was coming I didn't have her presents wrapped and ready, we weren't showered and dressed, it was massively intrusive. We aren't close as mother and daughter so we don't have a casual popping by type relationship. Our house isn't one you can drive by on the way to anywhere you have to set out to come here and I just don't get why she didn't confirm/ask if it was ok prior to coming.

I see I'm in the minority here but this is my thinking!

Your post said that she mentioned she might call by so it sounds like you were expecting her. It is just my opinion and I am not saying you are wrong.

But you say she did let you know she was thinking of dropping by and that you didn't respond to her message? Surely once she has sent that first message it's up to you to respond? Seems very rude not to.

It sounds like bad communication on both parts OP.

Equally she maybe thought you would have said that Boxing Day was no good or asked what sort of time she was thinking of coming or offer to meet her half way or similar as you’d really like to see you etc. As you hadn’t bothered contacting her she maybe thought she would just drop the presents off anyway whether or not she saw you as well or not as you couldn’t be bothered to reply to her message.

Its probably better to phone to avoid any text misunderstandings.

She did let you know....you were so rude not to reply after she'd got you and I'm guessing your family presents.

I didn't know she was coming though that was the point! I had no idea she was about to turn up.

She would absolutely HATE it if I turned up on her doorstep unannounced. I always call and text before I even think I may go and see her.

I thought you said she had said she would drop them off on Boxing Day?

But she did let you know, it was you that didn’t reply. Unless there’s something else going on not mentioned.

Her presents should surely have been wrapped by boxing day?

By this post you sound much more awkward and more at fault than your mother. If this had happened to me I would have phoned to apologise and to thank her for the presents as soon as they were received.

My god mum messaged to say she was going to drop our presents off the week commencing 14th Dec saying she knew she wouldn’t be able to come in and was this ok as we could maybe chat on the door step for 5 minutes. I made sure her presents and card were all wrapped and laid out by the Sunday. I replied to say anytime is good but I had a meeting (whilst WFH on Tuesday between 11-1). She messaged back to say she would text me the night before she was planning to come and would give me an approximate time. She was driving an hour and a half so I was grateful she was driving but she a was also combining our present drop off with three other drop off’s.

Yeah, it's you that's in the wrong here, your behaviour is very weird

You behaved irrationally. If you had gone NC with her I could understand it. Maybe you should your mental health is at issue here. You need to deal with this ASAP

@crispychristmas

I didn't know she was coming though that was the point! I had no idea she was about to turn up.

But she text you to say she was coming?!

She literally told you she was coming Boxing Day? So if you didn’t think it was okay, reply saying no sorry? Rathe than letting her drive for an hour knocking at your door while
You hide in your house. YABU

Again, waiting for the back story...but based on what is written here alone, I don't think what she did is intrusive at all and think that you were behaving quite strangely. But if there is more to it, there is more to it.

She said she was dropping your presents off on Boxing Day and she did
Unless there’s a lot more to this then you are being weird

She texted a few days before saying she was thinking of coming up. I didn't want her to and (in hindsight) stupidly didn't respond to say please don't.
So she came but hadn't checked ahead to see it was ok. I personally think THATS strange!

Again though I see no one agrees with me here!!

So she said she was coming, you didn't answer her and she turned up. Still not seeing what's she's done wrong...

You are very rude 😟 I feel bad for your mum!

I completely understand the dropping by without notice part, my mother is notorious for doing this and I completely hate it. I haven't got to the stage where I would ignore her though. I think that was slightly strange (not answering your door etc)given she has driven for an hour. Yes, she isn't respecting your space and time but is it really the end of the world that you hadn't showered?