Mother - controlling?!

[crispychristmas]

For background I am a grown married adult with children. My relationship with my mum has always been strained, we clash for whatever reason but I have a very stable, mc upbringing nothing dreadful to speak of. However my mum is very in my eyes controlling, I have rock bottom self esteem from years of no encouragement or genuine praise etc and I tend to pull away and be low contact as an adult as a result. Forgetting Covid restrictions my mum told me she may drop round my Christmas presents on Boxing Day but I didn't Confirm this was ok and she didn't call ahead (an hours journey for her ) or ask my permission or state a time. So on Boxing Day she drops round the presents. I'm sat in the comfort of my own home when she appears. I'm so angered I feel this is so intrusive. I don't open the door (she doesn't ring the bell) because I'm so angry so then I get a text and missed call to tell me she's dropped off the presents. Again I dont respond because I'm trying not to lose my cool.
I can't believe day she didn't call ahead. I find this really intrusive and controlling hidden behind a 'nice gesture' of dropping off Christmas presents.
Am I wrong here? Prepared to be told I am!

You can't say she didn't give you notice when she texted to say she would drop by. If you didn't object or ask her to specify a time then it's not her fault for not knowing that would be a problem for you. You need to communicate your boundaries otherwise it's not really reasonable to get massively upset when someone oversteps them.

I can empathise with you honestly. It sounds like the relationship is so toxic, it's hard not to take offence or see anything unfair in something she does, which you don't like. Maybe it works both ways. Think we are only saying it isn't intrusive as she didn't expect to come in and be entertained etc.
How is communication between you now?

Honestly not opening the door to your mother after she had told you she was thinking of calling to bring you presents is totally bizarre behaviour.
Why didn't you reply to her telling her not to, letting her travel and then refusing to answer the door was very poor behaviours in my opinion.

Look, it’s obvious that you’re not close, but at the same time you need to establish boundaries. I don’t think you’re as low contact as you think.

When she text that, you could have told her not to, or told her exactly when to come. You could have controlled the situation to clarify any ambiguity.

Just text her now and ask her not to visit your house unexpectedly again. Perhaps add something about fears of COVID if you want it to be a friendly message.

Other posters won’t understand your reaction because they’re probably incredibly close to their parents and had a great upbringing, whereas you don’t have that relationship. This is something my creepy, controlling mother would do. She used to open my letters, examine my trash, spy on me etc so I can understand that feeling of violation

On face value, the OP's reaction was extreme. Her mum had said she would call round at some point. (Although, seeing as the OP hadn't replied, it is odd that she didn't contact her before setting off to ensure that they were actually at home, and that it was convenient, seeing as she had to drive for an hour to get there.)

This obviously isn't just about her turning up today, however, there's a backstory which the OP has alluded to. I've noticed that it's very hard for posters who had healthy relationship with their parents growing up to understand that there are a lot of other people whose relationships with their parents are a lot more complex.

Mittens, an awful lot of us have acknowledged that there may be a back story that puts everything in a new light- but it really isn't our job to make up a suitable back story if the OP doesn't respond to our suggestions that she tell us.

On the face of it, she had a communication from her mother suggesting Boxing Day, she could have responded and taken control- either by saying "no, we don't want your presents" or "this is the time that would suit us". She didn't, so her mother, on the face of it, might reasonably suppose she had no objection to Boxing Day.

This can't even be described as a drip feed, because the OP hasn't started dripping.

She told you, you ignored her & are now gaslighting.

What's 'gaslighting' I don't know what that is?

She didn't ring the doorbell so presumably didn't want me to 'officially' answer the door. I'm guessing i wasn't supposed to 'officially' know she was coming cos she didn't verify any plan upfront.
However when I didn't answer the door she lurked outside then text and missed called me telling me what she'd done.
So why didn't she just text upfront rather than when she was outside?!
Or - why didn't she literally leave the presents and go?

OP, I am the adult child of a controlling mother and, like you, my relationship with her has caused untold damage to my confidence (among many other things).

On the face of it, without context, your reaction may sound unreasonable, especially to people with 'normal' familial relationships, however, I think this is the most recent event in a long-term campaign to remind you that she is the boss, and what you want bears no impact on what she wants to do.

I wonder if you have had any counselling? I did and it has helped. Remember that you cannot control her actions or behaviours. You can only control your own responses to these actions and behaviours. Your fury at her affects no one but yourself so try to ignore this particular event while you work out how you can manage your relationship with her going forward.

Gaslighting is
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment.[1] It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs.

She did tell you she was coming on Boxing Day to drop presents. You didn't open the door so she left them outside. You hadn't bothered getting her presents wrapped in advance. I think you are INCREDIBLY rude and need help!

To answer your original post - no, I don't think this is controlling behaviour from your mother. To drop off Christmas presents AT CHRISTMAS is surely expected?

You say yourself that you clash "for whatever reason" and you also say that you had a "stable mc upbringing" with nothing dreadful to speak of.

You also say that you don't think you received enough encouragement or praise. Well, that could be said for millions of adult children in this country, myself included. And you're not a child now OP.

I think that your reactions are extreme, and each "episode" is the fuel that feeds the fire of the next. You can't keep nursing these extreme behaviours, you are an adult, presumably with a family and modelling this type of behaviour will have future repercussions on your own children.

There comes a point when you have to look at your own behaviour instead of blaming someone else.

My own relationship with my mother sounds similar - we clash, a lot. She does like to be in control of situations, but I've realised as I've grown up and raised my own family that I can deal with her by being firm without being unkind, or reacting in a way that hurts myself.

Your behaviours are hurting you, OP, and you can't be happy finding yourself in these situations. I don't want to sound unkind, but I am saying this gently, but sometimes you do just have to be the adult, pull your socks up and deal with difficult situations, instead of hiding inside your own house.