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Original poster

AIBU? regarding holiday's and kid's

35 replies

Flower8 · 28/12/2020 10:54

Ok so long story short, DP and i have been together nearly 2 year's, he has 2 children and I've two of my own slightly younger.

We were discussing moving forward in our relationship and living together ect, he mentioned taking his kid's on holiday 2022, but stated very clearly my kid's aren't welcome as they are younger and have "behavioural issues" my son has ASD and ADHD but is a good kid.

So i asked the question of if we were all living together how would holiday's look? As i wouldn't want any of the kid's to feel excluded from the "family" holiday's.

To which he responds well I'll be taking my kid's to do what they want, if mine want to go skiing and yours can't because of medical issues then my two aren't missing out.

Im i right to think this is a bit dickish? Or is this the usual for blended families? Trying to gauge if it's me being sensitive or not?

OP posts:
rumerhasit · 28/12/2020 10:59

He is a twat...certainly not what you would call a 'keeper'!! Get rid!

BaronessBomburst · 28/12/2020 10:59

In principle it's okay to do different things. Not a blended family, but even my brother and I went on different trips, holidays, and days out dependant on our wants, needs, and opportunities.
But your partner's attitude to your DC is horrid. Why on earth would you want to bring someone to live in your child's home who thinks and speaks about them in such a way? Shock

purpleboy · 28/12/2020 11:03

Wow just wow. When people show you who they are believe them.
He is an absolute arse. Holidays should be about spending time together as a family. He doesn't view you like that.
Why does he think your son can't ski? What a horrible response. Honestly get out quick. This is going to lead to a lot of future resentment and who knows what mental anguish for your son.

Pumpertrumper · 28/12/2020 11:03

You partner wants to exclude your child from a family holiday because he finds their additional needs annoying Hmm

Are you hearing this OP? Either you’re living in some sort of alternate reality where this isn’t a ‘run for the hills’ red flag, or you’re the kind of mother who puts her boyfriend over and above her children.

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 11:06

Thank you this is what i thought, I've no objection to them doing thing's separately and there will be thing's my kid's absolutely don't want to do that they will.

It just took me by suprise as he's normally very inclusive and is good with them, plays with them ect. But it was the attitude of it's ok for us to sit at home, whilst the go off in their family holiday.

And I'd never treat his kid's like that, i would always include them and find stuff that would suit all age's.

Thank you it's been really bothering me since yesterday. Apparently I'm trying to " control and trap him" Hmm i just want all the children to feel included and equal

OP posts:
Maves · 28/12/2020 11:07

Do your kids see thier dad? And do activities etc with him? I can see the side of it where he has his kids and wants to do things and no they shouldn't miss out but if yours don't get to do that sort of thing anyway yes a bit selfish. But think how his kids would feel if their activities got ruined as dads girlfriend kids couldn't behave....he doesn't have his kids everyday you do so maybe a bit of give and take?

ChrissyPlummer · 28/12/2020 11:07

His attitude isn’t nice but I can kind of see his point. His kids shouldn’t miss out if he wants them to have certain opportunities/trips/holidays. That said, I’d be getting rid of him for the way he clearly doesn’t see the relationship the same as you and sounds like he doesn’t really want to be a family.

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 11:08

Oh and I'm absolutely not, i was single for 5 year's before i met him as i didn't find anyone i thought good enough to be around my children. And then i met him and he seemed kind, and accepting of my kid's, but seemingly that's just not the case..

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 11:11

Yes and i can see that, but my son is actually really well behaved, he gets on with thing's and doesn't cause a fuss, you wouldn't really know he's on the ASD spectrum. He has a muscle condition that means he gets fatigued quicker. But as he gets older should improve. It's just more they are all going to get older could those sorts of holiday's not wait a little?

I know three of the kid's want to do a day trip to legoland but one's too old, should i exclude him? Or find a middle ground?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 28/12/2020 11:26

OP, surely you want better for you and your DC than a man who says they are not welcome on a family holiday?

ChrissyPlummer · 28/12/2020 11:27

Flower8 With Legoland you ask the one who’s ‘too old’ whether they want to go. A few years ago we took my DN to the zoo, asked her (older) SS if she wanted to go but she said no, she was going shopping with her DGM.

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 11:38

I absolutely do, i want better for us all. Last year my parent's invited me, my kid's and my DP on holiday. I said we absolutely wouldn't be going without his kid's as that's not fair on them to be left out. Needles to say we all changed our dates so they could come. I think that's why i struggle to understand as I'm just not an us and them person. But clearly it's one sided. There have been a few other thing's where I've been questioning our relationship, so hence why i asked here to get an idea if this is normal

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 28/12/2020 12:18

@Flower8 I think under certain circumstances it is fine for different 'parts' of the family to do things separately. For instance, taking just one child to a sports fixture because they're a massive fan but the other would hate it, but the other child gets taken to the theatre because that's their thing. However, this wouldn't apply to a family holiday.

Unfortunately, your partner doesn't seem to see you all as ever being a family.

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 12:26

Oh absolutely he's planning to take the kid's to wales for a hike, i know my two wouldn't enjoy it. I've no problem with stuff like that, I'm not expecting us to do thing's all together all the time, but big holidays, and stuff the kid's would enjoy i find it hard to justify excluding them. No i absolutely agree, he'll never see us as a unit, and I'm struggling with that.

I've taken his kid's out for day's out in the holidays when he's working, brought them their own bed's and bedding for when they have sleep overs ect, done everything to make them feel welcome ect. Maybe i just need to cut the cord now. It's not what i want.

I'm not expecting him to be their dad, but just to see them as part of our mixed family. Not something he has to put up with.

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 28/12/2020 12:28

Going against the grain but I agree with him
One of DPs children has 'ishoos' nothing diagnosed but behavioural & social issues

We have already agreed that we will never go on holiday as one big family
We are two families that have been put together so it's not always going to be the same as a regular family

Also we've said well live together when the dcs have all left home

People on MN do get a bit weird about shit like this but not everyone's kids are lovely and sometimes things just don't work and you compromise by taking different trips or whatever

gobbynorthernbird · 28/12/2020 14:06

@MozzchopsThirty that's fair if you aren't all living together until the DC are adult. But, surely you then wouldn't let DP parents pay for you all to go on a family holiday?

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 16:33

The thing is we've done a holiday together no issues. We do day's out with no issues, they all get on well. It's just becoming apparent that he just view's my kid's as shit. And doesn't really want to be any sort of role model or step parent to them

OP posts:
Chimeraforce · 28/12/2020 16:36

Not worth your time. Ditch this guy as you won't combine well. Your kids would always be the poor relations and its not their fault nor is it fair.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/12/2020 16:45

Seperate family holidays can work. For example our joint ds is not school age so we do go away when it's cheaper but also have a big family holiday with all the kids as well.
If he said I want to do an adventure holiday with my two which isn't suitable for smaller children then fine, but this doesn't sound like that it sounds like he doesn't wnat a family holiday at all with all the kids. Which isn't okay.

CharlotteRose90 · 28/12/2020 19:05

He’s deliberately missing your kids out as they have medical problems. He’s a complete twat and you need to get rid. If you mix your families your DC will always come second best. They will see his kids go on lovely exciting holidays but they get left out. It will make them feel shit believe me. The kids should come first not this jackass

Original poster
Flower8 · 28/12/2020 20:08

Oh absolutely and that's exactly what i said, that they will notice they are being treated differently. But as he says his kid's come first. And how would they feel if they missed out because of MY kid's.

Just feel so sad because up until now he's been good to them, and been nice, it's been recently the true colours have started to show. And i honestly thought this could be the real deal. I love him, and his kid's. But i can't be with someone who views my children this way, and makes them sound like they are awful and can't be themselves.

Thank you all, I'm glad to know I'm justified in the way i feel

OP posts:
Pumpertrumper · 29/12/2020 06:21

But as he says his kid's come first. And how would they feel if they missed out because of MY kid’s

Right so by that logic you buy your kids their favourite pizza each on a Friday night only when it arrives his kids food is missing. Obviously you just plate up your kids food and let them eat it in front of his hungry kids whilst refusing to share it out because ‘why should your kids miss out because of his?’ Right? He would think that was totally ok right because that’s ‘his’ logic?

No he wouldn’t OP he’d fully expect you to share it out because HIS KIDS COME FIRST and they will do in every situation to the detriment of your kids. He’s not interested in ‘equal’ or ‘fair’ he’s only interested in his kids getting the best- screw yours.

If you stay with this guy you ARE NOT acting in your children’s best interests!

totiredtocaresixk · 30/12/2020 19:05

Id see this as a red flag and cant see how you and your children can move forward with him.

Monr0e · 30/12/2020 19:18

OP, I'm sorry his attitude is awful and it must really hurt having someone talk about your DC in this way.

What have been the other issues? 2 years in is often when the honeymoon period wears off and the reality sets in. It sounds like you've done a great job with your kids, it's better to find out now if he's not a keeper before taking things any further.

zaffa · 30/12/2020 19:27

DSS is a member of my immediate family, and so is treated as such. He isn't my child and I am as frustrated with his behavior as his parents are (he has severe behavioral challenges) but he is still a part of my immediate family and he is a child in my family, so there's no way we would go on a holiday without him. We would go and visit my parents without him (because they have a small house and there's nothing for him to do there really - live eight hours away) but we wouldn't go and see my extended family overseas without him as that would be a holiday. Obviously once he's 18 it would change and he may not be so interested but I wouldn't leave him out of a family holiday any more than I would my own DD.
Separate days or weekends away are fine and probably needed to ensure DSS gets one on one time with his dad (and the age gap between him and DD is 11 years) but anything longer is a no no. He should at least be invited and I would personally approach it as a done deal unless he actively rejected going (highly unlikely!)
So I think your DP is a dick really - he's creating a family with you and your children and just because a child may be difficult doesn't mean they get excluded. It means he thinks about that before he forms a family with you (in my view anyway)