AIBU? regarding holiday's and kid's

[Flower8]

Ok so long story short, DP and i have been together nearly 2 year's, he has 2 children and I've two of my own slightly younger.

We were discussing moving forward in our relationship and living together ect, he mentioned taking his kid's on holiday 2022, but stated very clearly my kid's aren't welcome as they are younger and have "behavioural issues" my son has ASD and ADHD but is a good kid.

So i asked the question of if we were all living together how would holiday's look? As i wouldn't want any of the kid's to feel excluded from the "family" holiday's.

To which he responds well I'll be taking my kid's to do what they want, if mine want to go skiing and yours can't because of medical issues then my two aren't missing out.

Im i right to think this is a bit dickish? Or is this the usual for blended families? Trying to gauge if it's me being sensitive or not?

I think it’s ok, good even, for each of you to do some separate holidays with your own kids. I had step parents, and much preferred it when we weren’t always scorched to be one big happy family. It’s crucial to spend time alone with your own children.

Expected, not scorched!!

I’d be walking after “control and trap” tbh. What a shitty response, regardless of whether his point had any validity.

No, it’s not about what’s fair for the kids... it’s about you trying to “trap” him. Geez...

Please LTB. Your children deserve to be of equal standing to his children. Don't think your children are unaware that they are already different. Preferential treatment for the others could trigger low self esteem and mental health issues in your children. These issues are prevalent in children with special needs, even without this home situation.
He sees your children as 'less' due to their challenges and this is something us parents should advocate against. Put your children first please.

I think the biggest problem was the way he worded it tbh. He made it about your child and wasn't very pleasant. Wanting a holiday just with his DC isn't wrong.

Had he said he would like to have a holiday with his DC sometimes and be able to spend time with them exclusively, it wouldn't be so bad.

You could have a holiday with your DC. Him with his and one for everyone together.

The problem with this is sometimes where one of you cannot afford the holiday with their DC...leaving you feeling like the poor relations.

I'm assuming his DC live with their mum or they have shared custody? If that's the case, then it would mean if you lived together, that he never gets exclusive time with his DC.

Are all the children close in age ?

@Annebronte

I think it’s ok, good even, for each of you to do some separate holidays with your own kids. I had step parents, and much preferred it when we weren’t always scorched to be one big happy family. It’s crucial to spend time alone with your own children.

You've captured my post above exactly.

The parents often have this happy blended family idea...and the kids don't always want that.

@SandyY2K it’s so true. I have, even now as an adult, a much better relationship with the step parent who understood that we needed time with just our parent. My other parent’s spouse probably thinks they made more effort: I didn’t want them to. Nothing personal, they just weren’t my parent. It’s important to know when to back off and create space for children with their actual parents.

Oh OP chuck this one back.. He's certainly shown his true colours. All the crap about controlling and trapping is just too much drama. You can't let your children be treated in such a way as he'd have them treated.
The guys a prat 🙄

He needs to accept you and your kids just like you have accepted him and his kids, that means he needs to make sacrifices if your kids can't go on certain holidays and vice versa, he should of relaised this before dating someone else with children.

@jimmyjammy001
that means he needs to make sacrifices if your kids can't go on certain holidays and vice versa

Why should he make sacrifices that affect his children negatively?

His job is to make sure he puts his kids first and that they aren't negatively impacted by his relationship with the OP. Surely that's what any responsible parent would do. Except because he's a man ...the conclusion is he's wrong.

His biggest fault (IMO) is the way he expressed it....he didn't articulate himself and should have focused on the needs/desires of his DC, rather than the OPs child. His wording absolutely lacked sensitivity. No argument about that.

How helpful or beneficial is it for his children to know they can't do something or go on a certain holiday because of their dad's GFs kids?

Don't you see how that would only cause resentment and not create a harmonious relationship between the children? As well as create resentment towards the OP?

Even where children are full siblings....it makes sense to recognise individual needs and not lump them all together.

If as a child you did certain activities with your parent, then they get into a relationship and blend families...then you can no longer do said activity how would you feel?

Each parent has the responsibility of making their child a priority.