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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex pushing my kids to call new partner dad!

47 replies

MuyBien · 27/12/2020 21:17

Hi all, ex partner was cheating for 2 years and then moved him in early April with our son and daughter. Then found out my son wasn't mine as they did a DNA test. While I still had contact I did a test and found out he was still my son. Then ex stopped access to our son and any further DNA test. I was still allowed to see our daughter. I took ex to court which took 7 months total and me both were ordered to do a DNA test. Same result I am still his father. I now have a court order so I can see him. Ex has pushed our daughter to call him daddy since he moved in and for Christmas ex bought t-shirts with best daddy as a gift for my daughter to give him. My daughter who is 10 didn't even know what she was giving until he opened it. It just seems too soon for our daughter to call him daddy.

Does anyone think my ex is acting nuts or is this normal? I don't think it is but it's nice to have someone else's opinion

Thanks

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 27/12/2020 21:24

I think you just need to be the adult here, you have court order for access, pay your dues, be religiously reliable about your access, let the kids know you are their dad, you are there for them whenever they need you. Yes from what you’ve said it’s crazy, but if they feel pressured to act in a certain way, it is better for you to stay out of it but be the voice of stability and don’t let them know how it upsets you.

I’m guessing talking to ex and expressing your displeasure would end badly, it will also be very obvious who bought the T-shirt’s.

happytoday73 · 27/12/2020 21:25

Nuts. You have my sympathy... Not sure how you take it forward...

BillMasen · 27/12/2020 21:25

Not sure how you’re best to deal with this as your situation sounds challenging

But absolutely not right. You are their dad and should be the only one called that. I’d say the same for their mum if you had a new partner.

All the best, this sounds hard for you

skipperjonce · 27/12/2020 21:30

I had similar but not to the same level of batshittery.

When my kids mentioned the OM said they can call him Daddy if they want, i sat down calmly with them and explained that they will only ever have one daddy and that’s me. OM will always be (Christian name) to them and never daddy as that’s me. Even if mummy marries him one day he’ll be their step dad but they should still call him by his name.

All mine aged between 5 and 10 and they got it instantly. I’ve done a couple of low level follow ups and doesn’t appear to be a problem anymore.

You are their daddy. No other man will ever be, no matter how long their mum is shagging them for. Don’t let her wind you up. It’s pure antagonist behaviour designed to hurt you.

Be calm and confident and explain it to your kids without running down their mum or the guy if you can. Kids aren’t dumb. They’ll get it.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 27/12/2020 21:32

Oh God, no, you're right. I think that is nuts!

Try to stay calm and explain it without running anyone down, as pps said. Your DC will respect you more for it in the long run Flowers.

DrizzleandDamp · 27/12/2020 21:42

I wouldn’t say nuts, I would say cruel and unhealthy for your poor children.

But sadly you can’t control her only your actions, which so far have been correct.

Keep your access, pay your way, be stable for your children and talk to them openly about the fact you are their dad, always will be, he will only be Step father at best

However for them to feel comfortable as ultimately they are the ones under direct day to day pressure from mum, tell them that if they to feel happy and more secure at home to give in the mum and use “daddy” for him then that won’t hurt you, that you and they both know they love you and names don’t matter you are their daddy always and will have no anger towards them.

Have zero communication other than text organisation of shared care with her. The more you feed the beast the more it will grow!

TheIblisHasspoken · 27/12/2020 21:51

@skipperjonce

I had similar but not to the same level of batshittery.

When my kids mentioned the OM said they can call him Daddy if they want, i sat down calmly with them and explained that they will only ever have one daddy and that’s me. OM will always be (Christian name) to them and never daddy as that’s me. Even if mummy marries him one day he’ll be their step dad but they should still call him by his name.

All mine aged between 5 and 10 and they got it instantly. I’ve done a couple of low level follow ups and doesn’t appear to be a problem anymore.

You are their daddy. No other man will ever be, no matter how long their mum is shagging them for. Don’t let her wind you up. It’s pure antagonist behaviour designed to hurt you.

Be calm and confident and explain it to your kids without running down their mum or the guy if you can. Kids aren’t dumb. They’ll get it.

This^^^!!!!! You could do nothing more than listen to this guy! It's not about her (even if she it's acting nuts!) it's about how confusing and emotional it is for your children.....focus on them.
Original poster
MuyBien · 27/12/2020 21:56

Hi everyone, thank you for replying. It just seems like there is no end to her madness. Our son is just over one years old so too young to call him daddy. I can understand our son might see him as a father figure. It hurts as she stopped contact so my bond with our son was broken. I do understand that this is a normal thing that happens when a new partner is introduced but She purposely blocked contact and allowed this to happen.
I am proud of myself for not giving up and now I am able to spend time with him and build our relationship.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 27/12/2020 21:58

@happytoday73

Nuts. You have my sympathy... Not sure how you take it forward...

This. No amazing advice sorry, but I do feel for you!

soopedup · 27/12/2020 23:06

The bond isn’t broken. He’s only one. Dial down the drama. You need to be level headed, reliable and non emotional about all of this. That’s how you get your relationship with your son.

AgentJohnson · 28/12/2020 13:57

Understandably you are hurt at what your Ex is doing to your children. This is a nasty power play on your Ex’s part and she’s wants to hurt you by trying to drive a wedge between you and your kids. She wants a reaction, don’t give it to her.

Support your kids by letting them know that you are their dad and whatever their Mum pressures them to do, isn’t going to change that.

It’s about the long game.

MixMatch · 28/12/2020 15:27

@soopedup

The bond isn’t broken. He’s only one. Dial down the drama. You need to be level headed, reliable and non emotional about all of this. That’s how you get your relationship with your son.
Er...would you be "non-emotional" if you as a mother were cut off from your own child??

Wishing you the best OP. Continue fighting and never let up having quality time with your own children. If they see that you love them, put them first above everything else, and treat your ex with respect despite everything, when they're older , her behaviour will backfire against her

RitaEllen · 28/12/2020 15:48

I have a similar situation in that my children have been told by my ExH new wife that they must call her Mum now that they are married.

I remarried a few years back and my children wanted to call my husband Dad but together we told them no, you have a Daddy, call him by his first name. We also did this out of respect to their Dad, despite the fact he is a lousy father and see them only a few times a year (and my husband is the one who picks them up from school everyday and makes dinner). Now he is forcing them to call another woman they only see a few times a year Mum! Not on.

But as others have said be the calm reasonable one. As my children get older they start to see through their Dads charming facade and the eldest has nothing to do with him now. Play the long game, it might take many years but eventually they will know you are the parent they can rely on.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 17:48

How are you doing op? Mainly good advice on here. I hope all is ok.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 17:53

Er...would you be "non-emotional" if you as a mother were cut off from your own child??

Glad it wasn't just me thinking this. Also ... "dial down the drama"? Would she have said that to another mum upset over the same situation with her baby? Doubt it.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 18:29

@LouJ85

Er...would you be "non-emotional" if you as a mother were cut off from your own child??

Glad it wasn't just me thinking this. Also ... "dial down the drama"? Would she have said that to another mum upset over the same situation with her baby? Doubt it.

It’s a constant theme on here though

Divorced dad? You should be happy to accept what the mum allows you. If she’s letting you see her kids you should be thankful.

Ok maybe not that bad all the time but there’s a definite view that dads shouldn’t rock the boat

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 18:32

Opinions on Mumsnet are sometimes skewed a bit in favour of women, which makes sense since it's a predominantly female site.

I think the op here has mainly had good advice on here. That one post didn't make any sense to me either. Of course you wouldn't be non emotional.

RandomMess · 28/12/2020 18:37

This is so sad it sounds like your ex could be attempting parental alienation.

Stay strong, don't bad mouth your ex but do answer your DC questions with age appropriate truth. Look at increasing contact to 50:50 if you feel that you can provide this and will get to spend more time with the DC.

A really good book to read is "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk". It teaches you how to let your DC work threw what is going on and how to deal with it.

Your ex isn't putting your DC welfare first is she SadAngry

ThirdThoughts · 28/12/2020 19:08

It's natural to feel emotional about it. But I think the point is not to play emotional tug of war with their mother.

If the OP makes as big a deal about not calling OM their dad or step dad as the mum makes about calling him that, then the kids are going to feel horribly stressed and guilty with both of you.

It doesn't feel just to you that she can start over in this manner and try to rewrite history. The best daddy stuff is so blatantly insecure, trying to manufacture that close new family perhaps to the extent of trying to convince him that he was the biological dad?

But the reality of the children's lives if her new relationship lasts is that they will have a Step dad as well as a dad. It would be great for them to have a good relationship with both of you. You can't control his side of that but you'd be much better concentrating on showing up, being present when you are together, contributing and being meaningfully involved in their lives. Be a good dad. Don't cause them anxiety by trying to undermine their relationship with their step dad.

Maybe they will get lucky and have two great dads involved in their lives. Maybe the relationship won't last and he'll disappear and they will still have you. But playing "I had them first" or "real dad" or "don't call him daddy"... It's going to make your kids lives harder unnecessarily and undermine you as a calm reassuring presence in their lives.

It's not about you (though it is fully human to have the feelings you have about this right now) and it's not about letting their mum have her way, it is about the kids having adults in their lives that put them first.

ThirdThoughts · 28/12/2020 19:15
  • and since on this subject their mum isn't volunteering to be the first person to do that, you can be.
Screwcorona · 28/12/2020 19:23

My mum played this game when she remarried. Tried to get me and my sister to call new husband 'Daddy' didnt set right with us at 7 and 6yrs old and we stopped calling him it ourselves. We always knew who our dad was

MixMatch · 28/12/2020 21:14

@ThirdThoughts

It's natural to feel emotional about it. But I think the point is not to play emotional tug of war with their mother.

If the OP makes as big a deal about not calling OM their dad or step dad as the mum makes about calling him that, then the kids are going to feel horribly stressed and guilty with both of you.

It doesn't feel just to you that she can start over in this manner and try to rewrite history. The best daddy stuff is so blatantly insecure, trying to manufacture that close new family perhaps to the extent of trying to convince him that he was the biological dad?

But the reality of the children's lives if her new relationship lasts is that they will have a Step dad as well as a dad. It would be great for them to have a good relationship with both of you. You can't control his side of that but you'd be much better concentrating on showing up, being present when you are together, contributing and being meaningfully involved in their lives. Be a good dad. Don't cause them anxiety by trying to undermine their relationship with their step dad.

Maybe they will get lucky and have two great dads involved in their lives. Maybe the relationship won't last and he'll disappear and they will still have you. But playing "I had them first" or "real dad" or "don't call him daddy"... It's going to make your kids lives harder unnecessarily and undermine you as a calm reassuring presence in their lives.

It's not about you (though it is fully human to have the feelings you have about this right now) and it's not about letting their mum have her way, it is about the kids having adults in their lives that put them first.

What a shocking post. I seriously doubt you would write this if it was a woman who was the victim here, not a man. They don't need "two dads" - they already have their one real dad! He will hopefully act nice enough to them, (unfortunately if their mum is that spiteful and he's the sort of person to go along with such manipulative wickedness, doesn't sound like he's genuinely kind at all), but in no way will he ever be their dad.

If the OP shacked up with another woman, started alienating the kids from their mum, then proceeded to emotionally abuse his own children by telling them to call this woman "mummy" and getting the child to give him such t-shirts, I doubt any posters will be saying 'ah well, she may be a long term fixture in their lives, and maybe they'll get lucky and have two great mums in their lives, stop undermining their relationship' (!)

Fathers are just as important to children as mothers. The mother in this case is not acting lovingly towards them - she's actively acting against her own children's best interests.

OP, ignore the blatant bias on this thread. Honestly don't know what's going on with some people.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:19

@FuckOffDailyFailure

Opinions on Mumsnet are sometimes skewed a bit in favour of women, which makes sense since it's a predominantly female site.

I think the op here has mainly had good advice on here. That one post didn't make any sense to me either. Of course you wouldn't be non emotional.

A bit? You think?! I've never seen such sexism in my life other than on this site. I feel for the guys who dare to venture on here, and I'm a woman!

FuckOffDailyFailure · 28/12/2020 21:23

Well, whatever, I'm glad the infamous Mumsnet sexism doesn't seem to be too much on show on this thread.

I do hope you're ok op.

Annoy · 28/12/2020 21:25

It’s a shame Jeremy Kyle isn’t on anymore... you could have made a few quid