Ex pushing my kids to call new partner dad!

[MuyBien]

Hi all, ex partner was cheating for 2 years and then moved him in early April with our son and daughter. Then found out my son wasn't mine as they did a DNA test. While I still had contact I did a test and found out he was still my son. Then ex stopped access to our son and any further DNA test. I was still allowed to see our daughter. I took ex to court which took 7 months total and me both were ordered to do a DNA test. Same result I am still his father. I now have a court order so I can see him. Ex has pushed our daughter to call him daddy since he moved in and for Christmas ex bought t-shirts with best daddy as a gift for my daughter to give him. My daughter who is 10 didn't even know what she was giving until he opened it. It just seems too soon for our daughter to call him daddy.

Does anyone think my ex is acting nuts or is this normal? I don't think it is but it's nice to have someone else's opinion

Thanks

@Annoy

It’s a shame Jeremy Kyle isn’t on anymore... you could have made a few quid

Cheap dig at a bloke having a hard time.

Hope it made you feel good...

I have said the best course of action for him is to be the best parent he can be and to put the kids first. I believe that this will give him the best relationship with his children and do right by them.

What's the alternative? Have a long running cold war with his ex/the partner on something he cannot control or police? Put the kids in the middle where by they will upset either mum or dad? Make them chose? How does that serve the children? How does that serve his relationship with them?

I don't think the ex has chosen to do the right thing here and the children should have been able to choose what they call her partner and the default should have been [first name].

But I don't see how the OP telling the kids they ought not to, or making them feel even more guilty than they might otherwise do for hurting his feelings or being disloyal to him will help?

Whether the OP likes it or not, this man is in their lives - perhaps fleetingly, perhaps permanently. He doesn't know and they don't know. But I do think his focus should be on being there as a dad, listening, validating and supporting the kids and to not try to let the OM or whatever his ex is doing/saying get in the way of that.

Different families manage the step relationship differently, I'm sorry if the idea that his children might have a close relationship with their mother's partner over the years and may call him dad as well as their dad was appalling to you. I didn't mean it as a replacement.

But ideally in the future, should his daughter marry, you'd like her to not be stressed about her mother, father and step dad all being in the same room together because she has experience of them all acting like grownups who put her first rather than fighting over her and leaving her feeling anxious and guilty for something she couldn't control.

I'm not saying that he should encourage the children labelling of the partner as dad either, just that it shouldn't be a major source of his attention when speaking to them. He could listen to their thoughts about it if they express them but I don't think you can really put it on the kids that it's their job to not do it and leave them caught in the middle with anxiety and guilt and worrying about the feelings of the grownups who are meant to be looking after them. 🤷‍♀️

I was trying to think about the children at the centre of this - and his relationship with them. Not siding with the ex against him.

I don't have direct experience with a step parent relationship where both parents are still involved. So I apologise if I haven't quite thought of all the implications of my attitude.

My father was raised by his stepdad and mum from a young age, and he was a great dad to him and granddad to me.

I also have cousins whose parents have remarried and they have good relationships with both biological and step parents.

That's where I was coming from and maybe it's wrong. But it certainly isn't a "side against male posters" thing. I think the ex hasn't done the right thing, the OP just has to make sure that his response to her recklessness doesn't compound the confusion and stress for the kids.

Hi all, I need to absorb everyone's advice but thank you.

I'm going to just let her get on with her own life and let her dig her own grave. I'm going to concentrate on my relationship with my kids and leave all the drama behind.

I just need to address why her new partner is flicking my 10 year old in her forehead. I thought it stopped but my daughter said it hasn't. I will talk to my ex again and if it doesn't stop then I will take it further. She said it hurts and she cries in her room. This is last time I speak to her about it and if it happens again I will speak to someone.

Isnt parental alienation a crime? Can you still sue someone for parental alienation?

Maybe it is time to speak to your solicitor again, especially if your daughter is telling you that she is being harmed.

Parental alienation I'm sure is a form of abuse? Maybe low level abuse, but still, not good at all. Between getting the DCs to call him daddy and also telling you (did she tell them too?) you might not be their father, it sounds very unhealthy for your dcs.

The flicking thing is bloody odd as well.

I wonder if you can go for mediation to Good luck op. Maybe change the custody to 50:50?

You sound as if you're doing absolutely the right thing is staying calm and not rising to the nasty bait.

I would never have expected my son to call my 2nd husband daddy - he isn't my son's father and never will be.

So your ex claimed that she'd done a DNA test on your son, and the OM was the dad? Do you think that is the story she gave the OM to persuade him that they should move in together? Sounds like she's afraid he'll dump her if he doesn't feel like the dad?
Whatever is going on, sounds pretty unlikely to end up with a comfortable new family situation.

Was your daughter too uncomfortable to tell the OM not to flick her on the forehead, or has he kept doing it even though she told him not to? Do you have the OM's number, to phone him up and tell him to stop doing it in person? Seems highly possible that if your ex was meant to tell him, she has not done so. I'd make sure he knows it hurts and that he has to stop, and then if he does it again after that, it would be time to get a lawyer involved.

@FuckOffDailyFailure

Parental alienation I'm sure is a form of abuse? Maybe low level abuse, but still, not good at all. Between getting the DCs to call him daddy and also telling you (did she tell them too?) you might not be their father, it sounds very unhealthy for your dcs.

The flicking thing is bloody odd as well.

I wonder if you can go for mediation to Good luck op. Maybe change the custody to 50:50?

You sound as if you're doing absolutely the right thing is staying calm and not rising to the nasty bait.

Excuse weird word ordering! I'm on my phone.

I just need to address why her new partner is flicking my 10 year old in her forehead.

Yes, you do need to address that. Pronto.

@ravenmum

So your ex claimed that she'd done a DNA test on your son, and the OM was the dad? Do you think that is the story she gave the OM to persuade him that they should move in together? Sounds like she's afraid he'll dump her if he doesn't feel like the dad? Whatever is going on, sounds pretty unlikely to end up with a comfortable new family situation.

Was your daughter too uncomfortable to tell the OM not to flick her on the forehead, or has he kept doing it even though she told him not to? Do you have the OM's number, to phone him up and tell him to stop doing it in person? Seems highly possible that if your ex was meant to tell him, she has not done so. I'd make sure he knows it hurts and that he has to stop, and then if he does it again after that, it would be time to get a lawyer involved.

Hi ravenmum, ex said they did a DNA test and he was the dad. I did my own test two days later and my results showed I was his dad. She then blocked any contact with our son and any further tests. After 7 months the court ordered we do a paternity test to resolve the matter. I think she lied about the DNA test as she can't remember the name of the company and any paperwork she had has been misplaced. So it's vanished like a fart in the wind never to be seen again. It was just a way of getting him to move in. I don't think she planned on me fighting for access and thought I would walk away.

My daughter was uncomfortable saying anything to him as he is an adult

I agree she has behaved in a really shitty way. Completely lacking in empathy for you or the children.

However you have to play the long game here. Be the mature adult, responsible parent who does everything that is expected of them (reliable contact, maintenance etc) and never bad mouths their Mum to them whatever the justification. Your kids will see you as the parent they can rely on and turn to, and they will want to be with you when they get a choice.

Good luck as I know it’s easier said that done!

Have you got friend or family to talk to in rl and let off steam to them when she’s being awful? Anything is better than speaking to the children about it, even if you are reluctant to burden family and friends.

@FuckOffDailyFailure

Parental alienation I'm sure is a form of abuse? Maybe low level abuse, but still, not good at all. Between getting the DCs to call him daddy and also telling you (did she tell them too?) you might not be their father, it sounds very unhealthy for your dcs.

The flicking thing is bloody odd as well.

I wonder if you can go for mediation to Good luck op. Maybe change the custody to 50:50?

You sound as if you're doing absolutely the right thing is staying calm and not rising to the nasty bait.

Hi, my daughter is 10 so paternity wasn't in dispute and ex's new partner wasn't even around then. It was just my son that ex claimed wasn't mine and he is too young to understand. I have two DNA tests that prove I am his father and one was court ordered.

He sounds awful, and your ex is even worse. I would get SS involved with the flicking issue as that is not okay at all.

In terms of the dad thing, I just wanted to say if the little one does end up calling him Dad, thats wrong and really shit but try not to show him it hurts you, kids can get so confused. Just gently and kindly correct him if you hear him do it. My DSS used to call me Mummy for ages (only met him aged 2.5 and I was instantly Mummy). My older daughter and DSD were both Mummy sometimes too. I used to gently correct him every time but sometimes he would say things like "Youre the best mummy in the world" and I'd think oh my days imagine his mum heard that! At that age we only had him one night a week as well so I wasn't even close to a mum role, he was just confused. Hes 5 now and understands a lot better. So if you do have a little stage of him calling OM daddy then just try and hide your hurt and correct him without making him feel bad.

@AndcalloffChristmas

I agree she has behaved in a really shitty way. Completely lacking in empathy for you or the children.

However you have to play the long game here. Be the mature adult, responsible parent who does everything that is expected of them (reliable contact, maintenance etc) and never bad mouths their Mum to them whatever the justification. Your kids will see you as the parent they can rely on and turn to, and they will want to be with you when they get a choice.

Good luck as I know it’s easier said that done!

Have you got friend or family to talk to in rl and let off steam to them when she’s being awful? Anything is better than speaking to the children about it, even if you are reluctant to burden family and friends.

Hi, I have someone I can speak to. Without them I would of gone nuts.

Thanks for your reply :)

@ShinyGreenElephant

He sounds awful, and your ex is even worse. I would get SS involved with the flicking issue as that is not okay at all.

In terms of the dad thing, I just wanted to say if the little one does end up calling him Dad, thats wrong and really shit but try not to show him it hurts you, kids can get so confused. Just gently and kindly correct him if you hear him do it. My DSS used to call me Mummy for ages (only met him aged 2.5 and I was instantly Mummy). My older daughter and DSD were both Mummy sometimes too. I used to gently correct him every time but sometimes he would say things like "Youre the best mummy in the world" and I'd think oh my days imagine his mum heard that! At that age we only had him one night a week as well so I wasn't even close to a mum role, he was just confused. Hes 5 now and understands a lot better. So if you do have a little stage of him calling OM daddy then just try and hide your hurt and correct him without making him feel bad.

Hi Shiny, thanks for your reply and advice.

I think you should make it clear to your DD that if she doesn't want to call him Dad then she doesn't have to. But also for her comfort, that it's okay if she does. I understand it is painful for you, but it will help your DD if you are neutral about it.

I would be massively concerned about the head flicking, he sounds like a bully.

@LemonBreeland

I think you should make it clear to your DD that if she doesn't want to call him Dad then she doesn't have to. But also for her comfort, that it's okay if she does. I understand it is painful for you, but it will help your DD if you are neutral about it.

I would be massively concerned about the head flicking, he sounds like a bully.

Hi, I just messaged my ex and she said it hasn't happened for a few months and that my daughter must be confused as she can't understand the concept of time. I will ask my daughter to call me or at least write down happend to tell me later

This is a horrible situation. Your ex is clearly unable to think rationally and for the best of her children. You daughter in a few years will be mature enough to see through this so as others have said you need to be the reliable, solid and steady one. Put your children's needs first and give good, balanced advice. Do not undermine your ex or her partner to the children. Explain that you will support your daughter if she wants to call partner dad but the choice is entirely hers. It is all too easy to start slinging mud especially when your ex does deserve it. Keep any evidence of unreasonable behaviour in case you need to revisit court.

Encourage DD to speak to adults in school regarding anything that makes her uncomfortable- this means she has someone around when you aren't. The school will take a dim view of the flicking and at the least will speak to your ex about this behaviour. You can alert the school DSL as well regarding the manipulative behaviour just so they are aware.

I am sorry you are having to deal with her awful behaviour.

@RandomMess

This is so sad it sounds like your ex could be attempting parental alienation.

Stay strong, don't bad mouth your ex but do answer your DC questions with age appropriate truth. Look at increasing contact to 50:50 if you feel that you can provide this and will get to spend more time with the DC.

A really good book to read is "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk". It teaches you how to let your DC work threw what is going on and how to deal with it.

Your ex isn't putting your DC welfare first is she

Hi RandomMess, thank you so much for recommending "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" I've actually welled up quite a few times reading the stories of how other parents have comforted their kids.

I think it's the end of the thread for me. Thank you to everyone who took the time to post :)

OP... your daughter knows you're her dad. That won't change...always be there for her...be reliable and consistent.

Shame on her for telling lies about the DNA test. She's shown you who she is....just be on your guard with her.

Good luck.

@MixMatch

The bond isn’t broken. He’s only one. Dial down the drama.
What an empathetic and supportive response 🙄

You need to be level headed, reliable and non emotional about all of this.

Anyone would be emotional in this situation...unless they don't have blood running through their veins.