I feel so alone in my marriage

[annabellacomestotea]

I am 31 years old, my husband is 38. We have been married for about 6 years now. We met travelling, lived in separate countries and were long distance for a while and then got married, primarily on my end so that we could be together in one place.

Over the years we have gone through a lot...we both lost our mothers to cancer, he hid a secret drug addiction from me (cocaine) and developed alcoholism, has been unable to save money, we have been living with a relative of mine for this time (to be honest, I prefer the arrangement as it feels like a full of life home...never been in a rush to have our own place.) In the middle of his cocaine addiction/alcoholism, I had a year long affair with a man from a different country. It gave me all the things I felt I was missing...fun, passion, excitement, but he turned out to be no good and was sleeping with someone else who he got pregnant (the most classic case of instant karma I have ever experienced.) I wanted to leave my husband whilst the affair was happening, but I didn't, and when the affair popped, I stayed with my husband. I took it as confirmation that there was nothing better for me. That I would only go from the frying pan into the fire.

My husband is a kind person, very loyal and he adores me, but I feel I only stay because I am co-dependent. For our whole marriage he has never been able to save money, nor wanted to do anything. He is happy to watch TV and play video games and sleep, which I like sometimes but not day after day. Even over this short Christmas break, he has no interest in going for a walk with me. He has slept and played games the entire time. I've sat with him of an evening to watch, but I just feel so bored and disconnected. We have not had sex in a year. I lost my attraction to him during his cocaine phase (he no longer uses cocaine but I feel the damage is done.)

We've talked about divorcing many times, usually when we get to a point of total frustration, but he always says he loves me and doesn't want anyone else, and I'm so codependent and scared of being single and of not meeting someone else that I stay. I have behaved badly in my marriage, and so has he. I can be very verbally nasty, and so can he.

My dad was verbally abusive to my mum and cheated with prostitutes, and I've not had the healthiest relationship history. I am terrified of any future man I might meet, but also terrified of being single. Not sure if I want kids but scared if I leave I'll miss that chance, and it seems most people I know have settled or are secretly unhappy, so it sort of seems normal.

There are things I love about my husband, I love him more like a dear friend. I don't want to sleep with him, but I love to cuddle up to him. I don't want to kiss him, but I like to sit beside him and hold his hand. I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and sad for my part in hurting the relationship...I feel like I'm incapable of being in a healthy relationship and that we are both a bit broken, we've always said we are two lost loners who found each other. He also comes from a bad childhood (father was verbally and physically abusive to his mother, and unfaithful.) He is utterly conflict avoidant, but if he snaps, he will be verbally nasty and then ignore me for days at a time.

We spend most evenings in different rooms, him gaming and me on my phone.

I just can't seem to get past this fear. I feel like I'm living in a half relationship to avoid intimacy due to a deep distrust of men. Can anyone relate to this or offer any advice or help?

It doesn't sound the sort of relationship you should have children in.

At 31, you have more than enough time to get a divorce, get some serious therapy, then start dating and find someone to have children with.

You don't have time to waste sitting in separate rooms to a man you're mostly mates with and have such a toxic history with. If you did have children together, it wouldn't exactly be the best model for relationships or family life, would it?

This is no way to live. You’re too young to have given up on life. Divorce him and get some counselling for yourself so that you can develop healthier relationships

@category12

It doesn't sound the sort of relationship you should have children in.

At 31, you have more than enough time to get a divorce, get some serious therapy, then start dating and find someone to have children with.

You don't have time to waste sitting in separate rooms to a man you're mostly mates with and have such a toxic history with. If you did have children together, it wouldn't exactly be the best model for relationships or family life, would it?

Thank you for being kind category12. I keep feeling that at 31 I am leaving it too late to meet someone new and have a family, especially in the current dating climate (porn, tinder, hook ups.) I am scared to leave my comfort blanket of a relationship to be hurt or used or rejected. I also have PMDD/PCOS and generalised anxiety disorder and feel I am too broken for anyone to love me...I feel my husband accepts my ugliest, darkest parts and me his...and no-one else will do that.

I know it's so unhealthy, but it's like...I am so paralysed to even know where to begin. I suppose like the boiling frog syndrome where I have boiled for so long I can't get moving, and I am so insecure.

@Wnikat

This is no way to live. You’re too young to have given up on life. Divorce him and get some counselling for yourself so that you can develop healthier relationships

Thank you wnikat. I have had a bit of therapy before...unfortunately I didn't find it very helpful as I felt like I had too much wrong with me/too broken, maybe that's a story I am telling myself.

I would think the thought of living like this for the rest of your life is far more terrifying than being single. Why are you doing this to yourself? Get a divorce and live your life. What's going on now is just existing.

@Aquamarine1029

I would think the thought of living like this for the rest of your life is far more terrifying than being single. Why are you doing this to yourself? Get a divorce and live your life. What's going on now is just existing.

I've been through quite a bit of grief/loss in the past few years and my husband feels like my only comfort/constant. It does terrify me for my life to stay like this, but at the same time, it's what I'm used to and my normal. I'm scared to exchange it for something different...potentially worse. I also wish I could talk to my mum about all this. Unfortunately she passed away of cancer and I feel like I have no-one I can really talk to about how I feel or what to do.

Follow Aquamarine's advice. Trust me, life goes on. You deserve better.

As I said on the other thread, 'you'll find away'.

I don't normally shout LTB but life really is too short and you should spend it with someone who makes you laugh and who you want to be with both romantically and sexually and not settle because you think you'll not get anything else. You will.

Sorry if I was a bit blunt, I do intend to be kind but can mess up my tone.

Perhaps engage with CoDA to start dealing with the co-dependence?

You have 40/50 years ahead of you, all things being equal. You only get one shot at life, it seems a shame to spend it too afraid to break out of a pattern. (Or to get into your mid-40s and realise you've lost your opportunity for a family and regret it).

Also, there's nothing wrong with being single. It's actually better and peaceful and gives you the opportunity to grow, rather than being bound to someone who isn't good for you.

I'm sorry for your losses.

You are young, OP, please don't waste your one precious life.

@category12

Sorry if I was a bit blunt, I do intend to be kind but can mess up my tone.

Perhaps engage with CoDA to start dealing with the co-dependence?

You have 40/50 years ahead of you, all things being equal. You only get one shot at life, it seems a shame to spend it too afraid to break out of a pattern. (Or to get into your mid-40s and realise you've lost your opportunity for a family and regret it).

Also, there's nothing wrong with being single. It's actually better and peaceful and gives you the opportunity to grow, rather than being bound to someone who isn't good for you.

I'm sorry for your losses.

You are young, OP, please don't waste your one precious life.

I found you very kind category. I thought I would get a bit of a butt kicking on mumsnet because of my infidelity, but I really appreciate your advice and kindness.

I'm hearing the advice and mentally it resonates, but it's like emotionally my walls go up and say 'no.' I have such a strong story in my mind that it won't get better for me...urgh it's horrible to say that...that to leave makes me feel incredibly afraid. I need to book myself into therapy.

@Autumnchill

As I said on the other thread, 'you'll find away'.

I don't normally shout LTB but life really is too short and you should spend it with someone who makes you laugh and who you want to be with both romantically and sexually and not settle because you think you'll not get anything else. You will.

Thank you autumn. My dad used to tell my mum she would never find anyone, my mum wanted to leave my dad and she couldn't do it in the end. I feel like if I can do it I'm doing it for her and me...but I'm just so so scared. I have no example of anyone who has left who can be my 'example', I have to go into this unknown territory, at a time when all my friends are settling down and having babies, it's almost like becoming a leper. Equally I know if I don't do this...the writing is on the wall for my life.

Op, your story reminds me very much of a very close friend of my mum/family. She was in a marriage as "wrong" as yours is, and for years, decades actually, many people including my mum implored her to get a divorce. She had a lot of the same insecurity issues you have and was too afraid to leave. After 44 years of an unhappy marriage, she suddenly announced she had finally had enough and got a divorce, at 64 years of age. Three years later, she met a wonderful man and has been very happily married for over 15 years.

As you can guess, the only regret she has in her life is staying in an unhappy marriage for so long. Don't make the same mistake. Unfounded fears are a very silly reason not to do what's best for yourself.

@Aquamarine1029

Op, your story reminds me very much of a very close friend of my mum/family. She was in a marriage as "wrong" as yours is, and for years, decades actually, many people including my mum implored her to get a divorce. She had a lot of the same insecurity issues you have and was too afraid to leave. After 44 years of an unhappy marriage, she suddenly announced she had finally had enough and got a divorce, at 64 years of age. Three years later, she met a wonderful man and has been very happily married for over 15 years.

As you can guess, the only regret she has in her life is staying in an unhappy marriage for so long. Don't make the same mistake. Unfounded fears are a very silly reason not to do what's best for yourself.

thank you :)

I know that fear is very much a liar, and we form it out of unhealthy and horrible stories we absorb from our life's or from our culture/experiences/media etc. I know I have to see past my fear, living in fear is no way to live.

When you cheat, even when you haven't been found out. You break that bond with your partner and it's so hard to get back, you mentally moved on from him and now you are trying to back track. You can't possibly consider children in this toxic mess. As hard as it is you need to start over again and move on. This relationship is over.

@Littlepaws18

When you cheat, even when you haven't been found out. You break that bond with your partner and it's so hard to get back, you mentally moved on from him and now you are trying to back track. You can't possibly consider children in this toxic mess. As hard as it is you need to start over again and move on. This relationship is over.

Hi littlepaws. Yes, I think you are right. When I cheated I emotionally disconnected from my partner, and I can't seem to re-forge it. It's just...dead...from most sides anyway. I've always been very sentimental and found it hard to let go (even of old t-shirts and things), it's even harder when it comes to a whole human being.

It's bloody scary splitting up, but it's also scary thinking if you don't you could be married 60 years, not 6.

Easier to get out now and find love again while you're still young (and you ARE young).

Don't let fear define you.

On another note. You've spent time traveling, and you had an affair with someone from a different country - morally wrong yes but it sounds like you're quite adventurous at heart?! it all seems so completely at odds with this picture you're painting of you living with this guy who literally doesn't do anything except game and sleep.

Reading this with interest. I'm not in exactly the same situation but there are parallels. I'm 39 and my husband is 47. He is a borderline alcoholic (not sure if there is such a thing, he is clearly dependent on alcohol and drinks way more than is healthy for anyone). I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD but before that I had generalised anxiety. I'm codependent too, I had a Dad who cheated and had multiple other children with different women whilst married to my mum.

I'm only just learning about the codependency thing and seeking out the help that I need. I hope I can make some sort of recovery for the sake of our daughter. You sound very self aware which is a good starting point, have you read 'facing codependency' by Pia Mellody?

@nanbread

It's bloody scary splitting up, but it's also scary thinking if you don't you could be married 60 years, not 6.

Easier to get out now and find love again while you're still young (and you ARE young).

Don't let fear define you.

On another note. You've spent time traveling, and you had an affair with someone from a different country - morally wrong yes but it sounds like you're quite adventurous at heart?! it all seems so completely at odds with this picture you're painting of you living with this guy who literally doesn't do anything except game and sleep.

Hi nan bread. Yes I am quite an adventurous person. I've travelled extensively since I was 23, and when I met my husband I thought we would be little adventurers together, however we sank into cosy domesticity together...I continued travelling but other than 1 or 2 holidays he never wanted to go, and so I went alone. Then the cosy domesticity became him being swallowed up by screens or drinking. I realised he has an addictive nature and now he is no longer on cocaine or drinking as much, it's video games and fast food that he spends hours lost in.

The adventurous girl is still there, but as I am in my 30's I feel a bit more eeek about returning to her, I feel like I 'should' be settled down and having a family not going off galivanting again.

Not sure where this story has come from...I never used to care about social norms or what anyone thought of me.

@rainbowninja

Reading this with interest. I'm not in exactly the same situation but there are parallels. I'm 39 and my husband is 47. He is a borderline alcoholic (not sure if there is such a thing, he is clearly dependent on alcohol and drinks way more than is healthy for anyone). I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD but before that I had generalised anxiety. I'm codependent too, I had a Dad who cheated and had multiple other children with different women whilst married to my mum.

I'm only just learning about the codependency thing and seeking out the help that I need. I hope I can make some sort of recovery for the sake of our daughter. You sound very self aware which is a good starting point, have you read 'facing codependency' by Pia Mellody?

Hi rainbow. I am sorry to hear about your husband as well. My husband was a big drinker throughout our relationship. He has stopped recently, although when he does drink it is a binge, but it seems his addictiveness just moved into junk food and TV. He just sits in front of the screen and eats. He is very amiable, smiley, pleasant, even when drunk....but there is just no life to him? He is numbing himself. Maybe he is not very happy with me either, although he claims he is.

I read codependency no more and realised I've gone from codependent on my mum, to my brother to my romantic interests. I've also wondered if I might have BPD (I find it hard to emotionally regulate.) Oh it's a barrel of laughs being human sometimes XD

It doesn't sound like a relationship?

Honestly just get out of there, get the divorce sorted out and don't look back. Flogging a dead horse is no way to spend the next 30 years.

@RednaxelasBaubles

It doesn't sound like a relationship?

Honestly just get out of there, get the divorce sorted out and don't look back. Flogging a dead horse is no way to spend the next 30 years.

It isn't really, we are more like flatmates who spoon at night to be honest.

@annabellacomestotea I can relate to that, my husband has the odd temper tantrum when he has had a bit to drink but overall it relaxes him and he just wants to watch TV all evening. He's totally out of touch with his emotions. I'm overwhelmed by mine but at least like you I'm aware that I have emotional needs. Have you talked to your husband at all about any of this? Really hope you find some answers and can find move forward.

[quote rainbowninja]@annabellacomestotea I can relate to that, my husband has the odd temper tantrum when he has had a bit to drink but overall it relaxes him and he just wants to watch TV all evening. He's totally out of touch with his emotions. I'm overwhelmed by mine but at least like you I'm aware that I have emotional needs. Have you talked to your husband at all about any of this? Really hope you find some answers and can find move forward. [/quote]
thank you @rainbowninja, that's kind of you. We've talked about it a lot...I honestly think he is not a bad person, nor am I, we are just so different. He is incredibly introverted, shy and likes to be alone watching things. I am less introverted, chatty and like to do things. Whenever we've discussed it, it just doesn't seem to stick, not because we don't try but it just doesn't flow?

I suppose when you're so different the compromise is just not possible. I sometimes wonder how we ever got together at all...probably just lust.

OP it sounds as if you've got a good grasp on your story, the "why" of you clinging to this relationship with a man who doesn't meet your needs (apart from his emotional unavailability, it also sounds like he doesn't work??). You're au fait with the theory of codependency and trauma and BPD traits....You don't really need to explore that much further. Now I'm going to tell you what a good therapist would tell you: it's time to start behaving differently. Think of one or two small changes you can make every day, specific things you can do, to start separating mentally and behaviorally from this situation. And do them. Then think of some more, and do those.

Hi @Grimsknee thanks for your reply. He does work, but is currently off over Christmas. When he isn't at work, he is glued to a screen.

Thank you for your advice to begin changing my behaviour. I've withdrawn from him quite a lot...we don't have sex or kiss, I withdrew so much I started an affair which went south, I suppose ultimately I must build to leaving the relationship.