I feel so alone in my marriage

[annabellacomestotea]

I am 31 years old, my husband is 38. We have been married for about 6 years now. We met travelling, lived in separate countries and were long distance for a while and then got married, primarily on my end so that we could be together in one place.

Over the years we have gone through a lot...we both lost our mothers to cancer, he hid a secret drug addiction from me (cocaine) and developed alcoholism, has been unable to save money, we have been living with a relative of mine for this time (to be honest, I prefer the arrangement as it feels like a full of life home...never been in a rush to have our own place.) In the middle of his cocaine addiction/alcoholism, I had a year long affair with a man from a different country. It gave me all the things I felt I was missing...fun, passion, excitement, but he turned out to be no good and was sleeping with someone else who he got pregnant (the most classic case of instant karma I have ever experienced.) I wanted to leave my husband whilst the affair was happening, but I didn't, and when the affair popped, I stayed with my husband. I took it as confirmation that there was nothing better for me. That I would only go from the frying pan into the fire.

My husband is a kind person, very loyal and he adores me, but I feel I only stay because I am co-dependent. For our whole marriage he has never been able to save money, nor wanted to do anything. He is happy to watch TV and play video games and sleep, which I like sometimes but not day after day. Even over this short Christmas break, he has no interest in going for a walk with me. He has slept and played games the entire time. I've sat with him of an evening to watch, but I just feel so bored and disconnected. We have not had sex in a year. I lost my attraction to him during his cocaine phase (he no longer uses cocaine but I feel the damage is done.)

We've talked about divorcing many times, usually when we get to a point of total frustration, but he always says he loves me and doesn't want anyone else, and I'm so codependent and scared of being single and of not meeting someone else that I stay. I have behaved badly in my marriage, and so has he. I can be very verbally nasty, and so can he.

My dad was verbally abusive to my mum and cheated with prostitutes, and I've not had the healthiest relationship history. I am terrified of any future man I might meet, but also terrified of being single. Not sure if I want kids but scared if I leave I'll miss that chance, and it seems most people I know have settled or are secretly unhappy, so it sort of seems normal.

There are things I love about my husband, I love him more like a dear friend. I don't want to sleep with him, but I love to cuddle up to him. I don't want to kiss him, but I like to sit beside him and hold his hand. I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and sad for my part in hurting the relationship...I feel like I'm incapable of being in a healthy relationship and that we are both a bit broken, we've always said we are two lost loners who found each other. He also comes from a bad childhood (father was verbally and physically abusive to his mother, and unfaithful.) He is utterly conflict avoidant, but if he snaps, he will be verbally nasty and then ignore me for days at a time.

We spend most evenings in different rooms, him gaming and me on my phone.

I just can't seem to get past this fear. I feel like I'm living in a half relationship to avoid intimacy due to a deep distrust of men. Can anyone relate to this or offer any advice or help?

@annabellacomestotea have you been to any codependency recovery meetings?

I've been to a couple online, found them pretty helpful.

[quote rainbowninja]@annabellacomestotea have you been to any codependency recovery meetings?

I've been to a couple online, found them pretty helpful. [/quote]
Hi @rainbowninja accidentally nearly reported you thinking it said reply

I've not. I've read a few books, but never been to any meetings.

I was a very clingy child and my mother's shadow. That moved between my brother and mother as I got older, and then I moved it onto my romantic partnerships.

I have a sort of pathological fear of making a failure of my life, of regret, of doing the 'wrong thing.' I live in my head a lot, romanticising things, finding fault with things. I often find it quite hard to know who I am or what I want, like I don't feel I have a strong sense of who I am or a strong core? I think a group would be helpful for me in terms of learning to take a stance on things in life.

You're probably feeling very confused - distant and alone but still fond of your partner.

The only thing I can say is that if you have children feeling like this, you can expect a very stressful, bumpy ride. Pregnancy and giving birth can be rough even on strong couples, so you could be making yourself very prone to a very bad depression at the beginning of your motherhood. I find it sad he doesn't even want to go for a walk with you. It is possible that having children in these circumstances could be worse for you than the pain of starting again and being alone.

Do you have any close friends? Are you able to leave him, financially? It sounds like he's lost his zest for life and is quite happy to plod along in his little bubble. That's fine. One doesn't have to race around everywhere like a maniac without any down time, but he's so extreme. Ask yourself, if you had a child, would you want that child if it could turn out to be exactly like him? How about returning home to two or three of those kinds of people. Whilst upbringing is important, we also genetically inherit personality traits. There's no way of telling how that dice will fall. They might be the total opposite of him, or your kids could turn out just like him. How would you feel about that?

In the ideals of your mind, what do you imagine your perfect man doing around the house when he's at home? How does he relax? What are his hobbies? How would you feel if they were hobbies that took him outside of the home and didn't interest you? After coming home from work, what does he do exactly? What do you do in your perfect scenario?

DH and I haven't spoken for a few days. I went upstairs (where he had been all day) and found him with fast food boxes and cans of soft drink all over the floor. I couldn't hide my annoyance and had a go at him for making our room dirty and smelly. We haven't spoken since then. Earlier on I said to him as he seemed a bit calmer, 'we didn't get to go to the National Trust', I go back to work tomorrow so no more chances now, and he literally shrugged and said 'oh well.'

I feel so absolutely alone.

@EarthSight

You're probably feeling very confused - distant and alone but still fond of your partner.

The only thing I can say is that if you have children feeling like this, you can expect a very stressful, bumpy ride. Pregnancy and giving birth can be rough even on strong couples, so you could be making yourself very prone to a very bad depression at the beginning of your motherhood. I find it sad he doesn't even want to go for a walk with you. It is possible that having children in these circumstances could be worse for you than the pain of starting again and being alone.

Do you have any close friends? Are you able to leave him, financially? It sounds like he's lost his zest for life and is quite happy to plod along in his little bubble. That's fine. One doesn't have to race around everywhere like a maniac without any down time, but he's so extreme. Ask yourself, if you had a child, would you want that child if it could turn out to be exactly like him? How about returning home to two or three of those kinds of people. Whilst upbringing is important, we also genetically inherit personality traits. There's no way of telling how that dice will fall. They might be the total opposite of him, or your kids could turn out just like him. How would you feel about that?

In the ideals of your mind, what do you imagine your perfect man doing around the house when he's at home? How does he relax? What are his hobbies? How would you feel if they were hobbies that took him outside of the home and didn't interest you? After coming home from work, what does he do exactly? What do you do in your perfect scenario?

I think I probably would feel more alone if we had kids. I just feel stuck with him now thanks to Tier 4...no chance for a break from him. He's up in our room even now playing a video game. He's been doing this for the past 5 days...

No walks for us, no National Trust visit, no watching a film together. Thank god others live in the house with us or I'd be truly despairing. I don't even know what I imagine the perfect man to do to be honest. I wouldn't like a man who is always out clubbing or drinking or things like that...I don't even really know what a normal healthy man does.

@annabellacomestotea how are you doing? Your post stuck in my mind.

Time to get your stuff together and plan a new life for yourself. This is no life for a 31 year old. You have your whole life ahead of you so don’t live half a life with somebody who is dragging you down .

Hi @rainbowninja it means a lot that you've thought of me. I'm feeling quite sad today, but I've just come on my period.

I love DH so much as a friend, but I don't think I'm in love anymore. We've been cuddling to sleep this week, and did a date night, but inside I feel it isn't right, but also I am so scared to leave, to even try to start again. We have agreed to focus on our friendship right now to take the pressure off which is helping me not to panic.

Thanks @Sunflower1970 I stay because he is kind and empathic and very loyal and a good person, just perhaps not my person, but I have such a low opinion of men, I feel there isn't much better than his loyalty and kindness, even if he has used drugs, is bad with money and has no interest in anything.

Just leave. I’ve been there. Left a lonely marriage at 30, it never ruined my chances of having a child, it increased them. Life is way to short to live such a miserable sad existence of a marriage. Reading your posts I’m not even sure why you want to stay.

Oh dear dear dear @annabellacomestotea - you REALLY need to leave this man. ‘Loyalty and kindness’ .....WHAT kindness? Or do you mean the scraps of kindness he throws you now and again? You deserve SO much more from a partner- from LIFE - than this sorry existence with this person. A life that is so much more than you have atm. You say you’re not sure who you are yourself, well now is the time to find out! Have at least a year on your own, find your feet, find out what YOU like, what you DONT want from life or a future partner. You deserve better - think about how you accept being treated, make some changes, even small ones. Stand up for yourself and decide you’ll make your life better, because WHY THE HELL NOT?! He certainly won’t will he? You can do it 💐 Good luck!

Good to hear from you @annabellacomestotea I get very anxious around the time of my period, hope you're taking it easy. Focussing on being friends sounds like a good move.

I plucked up the courage today to ask my husband if he'd be up for us having some sort of joint therapy. Hope I haven't opened a can of worms!

@rainbowninja

Good to hear from you *@annabellacomestotea* I get very anxious around the time of my period, hope you're taking it easy. Focussing on being friends sounds like a good move.

I plucked up the courage today to ask my husband if he'd be up for us having some sort of joint therapy. Hope I haven't opened a can of worms!

Hi @rainbowninja I think that is an excellent idea! How did your husband respond? Hopefully therapy will give you some tools to improve your marriage and communicate more effectively and feel more supported :)

I find working on the friendship enough for me right now. I still don't want to be touched sexually, and my husband has been very patient and understanding of that at least, so I feel the pressure is much less.

@audweb

Just leave. I’ve been there. Left a lonely marriage at 30, it never ruined my chances of having a child, it increased them. Life is way to short to live such a miserable sad existence of a marriage. Reading your posts I’m not even sure why you want to stay.

@audweb may I ask what age you had your children?

I can't even really answer why I stay...

He moved country to be with me. He was here when my mum died, and I when his mum died. I think it's mainly a fear of starting over in my thirties, risking not meeting a new man or having a family.

There seem to be so many awful men out there that I'm terrified I will go from the frying pan to the fire.

@goody2shooz

Oh dear dear dear *@annabellacomestotea* - you REALLY need to leave this man. ‘Loyalty and kindness’ .....WHAT kindness? Or do you mean the scraps of kindness he throws you now and again? You deserve SO much more from a partner- from LIFE - than this sorry existence with this person. A life that is so much more than you have atm. You say you’re not sure who you are yourself, well now is the time to find out! Have at least a year on your own, find your feet, find out what YOU like, what you DONT want from life or a future partner. You deserve better - think about how you accept being treated, make some changes, even small ones. Stand up for yourself and decide you’ll make your life better, because WHY THE HELL NOT?! He certainly won’t will he? You can do it 💐 Good luck!

@goody2shooz hi Goody. Thank you for your message.

I have this big fear that I don't have the luxury of taking a year to know myself, which is ridiculous I know because I am only 32. I think I have absorbed a lot of misogyny and I feel like if I leave my husband I will not meet anyone new or have a family (if I decided to have one.) I feel like the thirties is a bad time to start over, and I am terrified of the type of men I'll meet. I've had a few traumas with men...I guess I want to feel safe.

I don't mean these as excuses. I completely understand my mindset is holding me back. As someone said earlier, I am choosing to cage myself. Just trying to share how I see it. It's like someone has opened the cage and I'm sitting on my perch singing about all the reasons why I can't fly.

Your 30's is the perfect time to start over. You know yourself, you can move on from bad experiences and develop a happy life for yourself. 32 is so young - this relationship must have left you feeling old and jaded. I met my husband at 38 and having a great time. Please dont stay because you think you won't meet anyone else! Also if you do want a family you dont want to have one this this man! Keep strong you wont regret it!

Op you are only 31 and could still live a very healthy, long life with someone else. You could leave him, take the next 3 years to have therapy, work on yourself and still meet a good man and have the family you deserve.
Please don't settle for this life.

Please don’t think about having a baby with this man. Look at him - sat in a room he has made ‘dirty and smelly’, surrounded by rubbish, ‘glued to a screen’. WHY would you want this as a father? Or a husband? Ruin your own life if you must but not an innocent child’s.
Read your posts back to yourself - what would you advise a friend to do here? Please get therapy to help you understand why you tolerate such poor treatment. I was widowed at 36, met my now husband at 40. My friend‘s daughter divorced an abusive man at 33 and has just celebrated her 40th bday with a loving husband and 3 month old baby. You really are worth so much more than he is giving you - please accept this!
Tbh, my heart breaks for you.

Hi @annabellacomestotea my husband was reasonably open to the idea of some joint therapy or I should probably say coaching. I'm seeing a coaching lady at the moment and she has been highlighting to me how much of my anxiety stems from my relationship with my husband.

I think there is a lot to be said for you having recognised that you are not happy in your relationship. When you have issues of codependency just knowing and trusting what your heart is telling you isn't easy.

I'm not sure why he wants a partner. Seems like he wants a comfort blanket or a nice friend. That's fine, but if you have needs then you will end up even lonelier. I totally understand your apprehension about the dating pool, but I think the right way for you to leave is to realise that remaining in this relationship and having children might make you even more miserable than being single & childless. No one can predict it, but it it might happen. I think you've realised what lies in store for you at the right time. I've had serious issues with my partner that sound similar to yours, but your partner sounds even more extreme! At least mine knows how to handle money and is sensible with it.

It sounds like he lives in his own bubble, glued to the centre of gravity in his life, his screen, and reaches out to you only fleetingly to get a cuddle at night. What could be happening is neither one of you is enjoying each other's company much anymore, but you're the only one who's willing to acknowledge it. I highly doubt he would be much different as a father. Hey who knows, but I think he would resent the constant pull to get his attention and the requirement of emotionally nurturing them. Expect to parent your kids alone. Also, one of the basic things to look for in a partner is that you have a similar way of dealing with money. Silly spending, debt, and the unwillingness to save causes so many issues.