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Original poster

What would you do with this e-mail from MIL

53 replies

halvedfees · 27/12/2020 19:19

Concerned DP here. During lockdown my OH spoke to her 85 year old mother every day. We went round with milk etc. Sent her a recipe box from Mindful Chef. Supported her at a distance as much as possible. Tolerated having the phone slammed down on her after refusing to enter the house during lockdown to persuade her 90 year old father to go in a care home. When her mother slammed it down for a second time 4 weeks later ( due to not being sympathetic enough over the next- door neighbour recently widowed owner selling her house and the annoyance of people driving up the private drive to view it) she stopped phoning her mother. 2 weeks later her mother sent an email to our 23 yr old DS and all her sisters and brothers. This is the snippet

"Chips off old blocks" come readily to mind! because I'm sad to say that on June 3rd. your mother was most unhelpful and rude to me on the phone. I know she and your father have huge worries workwise but I found her attitude very upsetting and unsupportive.
I haven't heard a peep out of either of them since - but of course your Dad does as he's told. I'm afraid that I too have taken that line of least resistance in the past which was cowardly and foolish. I have decided it's time to end [name removed by MNHQ]'s covert bullying even if it means an estrangement.

X is unable to visit but has been in frequent touch sending flowers and chocs out of her meagre income. She may be autistic but it's at times like these when innate kindness means a lot.

Auntie Y is a pillar of strength but is strangely unsurprised by your mother's attitude. Likewise Z

Maybe we should keep this email to ourselves but that should be you decision."

My DP only found out because our DS forwarded the email to us.

This was all 6 months ago and she hasn't spoken to her since. She has communicated by email and told her what she was upset about. My MIL has side-stepped the issue.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Mangerfield · 27/12/2020 19:27

There's a (presumably) real name in there, op.
I think most people would realise that's the words of a bitter lady, to be taken with a fistful of salt, although I can imagine it's infuriating and upsetting for you and your dp. I'd leave it unless this is really out of character and you're concerned for her mental health?

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 19:32

I'd say to my kids that they need to judge for themselves what they think of this email, in light of what they know about me and my OH.

I would be very, very angry they sent this email to my children. That is not okay. If you have something to say, lady, you say it to me, you don't try to poison my kids against me.

And that would be the end of MIL for me. OH could make their choice, my kids could make my choice, but as far as I was concerned, she no longer exists.

That email sounds so like so many my FIL wrote, about all of us, it's not funny. He's in his eighties too, got all his marbles, just got a very warped and entitled view of the world. Could be why there's only one of his kids that is prepared to have anything to do with him now, and none of his grandchildren. And certainly none of his DIL's or SIL!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 19:33

Your partner needs to handle this in any way she she's fit. If I were you, I would take a step back and allow her to navigate her relationship with her mother. What else can you do, really? Just be there for support and a shoulder to cry on if necessary.

Ellapaella · 27/12/2020 19:42

Well if a Grandparent had sent that email to me about either of my parents I would have been furious and would have felt it reflected far worse on the person who sent it.
It smacks of spite and pettiness. Tell your children they should simply make their own mjnds up about the matter- I'm sure they can see through it.

Original poster
halvedfees · 27/12/2020 21:13

My children want nothing more to do with their Grandmother. The main question is how does my DP handle her mother? My MIL has asked to come back ib her life but has sude-stepped any apology etc. Would you continue to ignore her? And what could my MIL say that could redeem the relationship anyway?

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 27/12/2020 21:19

How does your DP feel? Does she want her DM back in her life?

redastherose · 27/12/2020 21:21

A heartfelt apology would be the only way to start mending bridges. If MIL doesn't want to do that then sod her, ball is in her court. And the apology should be commensurate with the offence so a further email explaining what actually happened and apologising to your DP circulated to everyone copied in on the previous email would be wanted, frankly I doubt she will bother as she likely wants your DP to carry on making her life easier for her.

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 21:26

It's up to your DP to determine what she needs, and if her mother won't meet her half way, she needs to decide whether she can move on from that, or whether her mother has burned her bridges.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 21:40

There's a real name in there in case you want @MNHQ to delete that word Thanks

yvanka · 27/12/2020 21:46

Sounds like you were both looking for an excuse to cut contact as you find her boring. Putting the phone down twice in a month, presumably during a very difficult time if she's putting her husband in a home, is not much of a crime.

Original poster
halvedfees · 27/12/2020 22:11

I agree the first one was not that serious. However imo doing it at all is rude. My MILdid not apologise and then did it a second time over a very trivial matter 4 weeks later. My DP decided to stop calling at that point until my MIL apologised. It was 2 weeks after that, that she sent the email to my DS and others.

OP posts:
Original poster
halvedfees · 27/12/2020 22:15

Also the irony is now that she campaigned to get my FIL in a home (we have emails saying come round before I murder him) she now says she wants him home. He has no clue she sent the email BTW.

OP posts:
yvanka · 27/12/2020 22:24

It is rude. However, she is an elderly, bored, isolated woman dealing with a deteriorating husband in a pandemic. Allowances should be made on the politeness front, she must be feeling extremely emotional.

I can see how the email happened, too, as she has time to stew on her feelings and make mountains out of molehills. She may feel that she is not getting enough attention and that no one calls. It must be a very lonely and sad existence.

Your DW should certainly not put up with rude behaviour. However, she would come to regret not supporting her DM during this time. It should have been dealt with in a jokey way and not allowed to escalate this far.

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 22:29

The email was sent to the children. That is unforgivable. You do not seek to range your grandchildren against their parents.

Her DP should do as her conscience dictates, regarding her mother, but the message should be given loud and bloody clear that she doesn't pull a stunt like this again, or she will feel the consequences of her actions.

LazyFace · 27/12/2020 22:29

My mother has MH issues. She's put the phone down more than twice on me.
I'm quite impressed by the 85 year old lady to be able to use emails this well.
Honestly though, it can't be easy on them, being isolated, perhaps fearful etc.

BigCrimboCorona · 27/12/2020 22:35

There's two ways I'm looking at it...

Firstly, trying to manipulate the family against your dp in a covert way sounds like a narcissistic trait to me. Usually they will write, speak and accuse as if they're looking in a mirror, accusing the other person of everything they're in fact doing themselves.

Unless your dp is actually the narcissist here. From the letter it sounds like mil is saying you're under control of your wife too, is that the case? The hanging up the phone seems to be out of frustration... maybe because she can't say what she wants to say out of fear of your wife's reaction?

Original poster
halvedfees · 27/12/2020 22:52

I am very much my own person, and if anyone who knows me laughs heartily at the idea that I may be a puppet. Especially our DC.

My MIL was being rung and talked to by my DP for around an hour each day until the second phone slamming over the newly-widowed neighbour having too many potential buyers driving down the private drive past my MIL house.....

OP posts:
Fairydustrust · 27/12/2020 22:58

85 and 90.

FatCatThinCat · 27/12/2020 23:03

Personally I can't be doing with bratty behaviour whatever the age. There'd be no contact from me until I received a genuine, heartfelt apology. My DD wouldn't tolerate anyone who disrespected her parents like that.

LaBellina · 27/12/2020 23:05

I would find it very hard to forgive someone who had been trying to turn my own DC against me. Yes she's elderly and in a difficult situation but the bond between parents and DC is sacred imo and trying to drive a wedge between them is utterly vile and shameless. I can't say if you should sever contact with her but if I were in your shoes, I would find it hard to get past this.
Being elderly and family is not an excuse for this kind of vile behavior.
Just my 2 cents.....

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 23:05

Age doesn't equate to a lack of capacity, necessarily.

Original poster
halvedfees · 27/12/2020 23:12

I know from her sister that my MIL is not happy with the situation. However I feel she is too much of a coward to front up and aoplogise

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/12/2020 23:40

What sort of mother had she been up until lockdown?

At 85 and with a 90 year old DH who she clearly had problems with, lockdown must have been incredibly stressful. I've just been reading about what it's done to the mental health of the nation, and I know what it's done to me, and I'm 20 years younger than her and without someone entirely dependent on me and being difficult.

If until then she'd been okay, then I'd probably cut her some slack. Yes she behaved badly, and yes she shouldn't have sent that email to your DS. But unless there's a backstory of unpleasantness that well predates this whole episode, I'd give her a break. She might eventually apologise once communication has been resumed.

Demanding apologies as a condition, rarely works. It backs people into a corner and makes them defensive. After 9 months of lockdown stress, it's unhelpful.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 27/12/2020 23:53

I think the email is unforgivable. She insulted you to her family (including your child) & accused her own daughter of covert bullying, whatever that is. I think without an apology which is copied by her to all the people she originally dissed you to, & which acknowledges that she was in the wrong& what she said was untrue, there's no way back for her. I feel if it had been said during an argument between the three of you, that would be an entirely different matter; but to sit down & type that out & send it to multiple people - wow.

How has she said she wants to be back in your lives?

Original poster
halvedfees · 28/12/2020 09:26

My MIL has form going back years. You can never trust what she says, and loves a drama.

My wife has developed post-herpetic neuralgia due to stress. My MIL heard on the family grapevine and sent an email asking how she could rebuild the relationship. This was 4 weeks ago, some 5 months after the original email was sent. As my wife was not certain that my MIL was knew that we had been told about the email (she sent it to my DS and several other members of the family - we don't know how many), so she replied sending the email to her mother stating that she had been unwell since she had found out about it (true) . My MIL replied that she was sorry she had contacted our DS, but said the email was simply to see how she could get in touch with us again (see what I mean - patently untrue). My wife replied with a lengthy email with facts from texts sent, phone calls made etc showing how her emails were false, and also stating how she felt. My MIL has never replied to that email. She has continued to email about my FIL in the care home. The last email we received was to thank us for dropping a Christmas cake at her door, baked by her sister. She rounded that off wishing us a happy Christmas and a happier New year...... no mention of how she could make it happier.

OP posts: