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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m possibly the shittest friend in the world

42 replies

Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 16:29

Hey I’ve ruined my relationship with my friend.
I need to get some outside perspective.
My friend and I work in a bar. We are both single. Recently we got friendly with a bunch of guys who are in the area for work (6 months)
My friend got friendly with one of the guys, she stayed at his house a few times, I believe they slept together once. All the while she and him both said it was nothing, just fun, she told me she wasn’t interested in him, and she was also seeing other men, and actively looking for a relationship elsewhere. I was never interested in the guy mentioned above l, but then something happened in my life and he was very supportive, always checking in on me, giving me words of advice and just being there for me. One night we had all been out together and he kissed me. I kissed him back. I told my friend the day after as I felt so bad, I felt like I gone behind her back. She was good about it, obviously a bit hurt. But I genuinely didn’t intend on anything else happening with this guy. We started to msg everyday..we grew very close and I started to grow feelings for him. And he did me. I didn’t mentioned any of this to friend. There were a few occasions when she turned up to his a accommodation and he told her he liked me so couldn’t go there with her. So last night night we were all together (I live outside uk..covid regulations are different here) she started making comments to me, like to let me know she knew about me and him, and saying things to make me feel bad. Rightly so. It turned into us falling out and things being said that I wouldn’t normally say. This morning she has removed me and him from all social media, and she’s very hurt and upset that I would do this to her. I feel horrible and lost. I feel stupid cos I’ve lost my friend for a guy that will be going back to his hometown in a few weeks. I’m an idiot. I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like such a shit person and just feel so alone

OP posts:
ThisTooShallBe · 27/12/2020 16:40

I don’t think you did anything wrong and I also thing she’ll get over it now everything is out in the open. Storm in a teacup OP

BMW6 · 27/12/2020 16:41

But she said she wasn't interested in a relationship with him and she continued to see other blokes?

Are you sure she's not just jealous that he prefers you and not her? Is she usually "queen bee"?

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 16:44

Well this is why I needed outside perspective. I flit between feeling terrible and feeling like how could
I do this then feeling like well she wasn’t interested and was seeing multiple other men. Yes she is usually queen bee.

OP posts:
Biscuitsdisappear · 27/12/2020 16:48

They weren't exclusive, she is trying to claim ownership of something that she didn't want and never had.

lyingwanker · 27/12/2020 16:53

I don't think you did anything wrong either. She said she wasn't interested and was seeing other people anyway so what exactly is her problem? She sounds jealous that he's picked you over her, not that there was ever a choice to be made really.

WhimsicallyPlain · 27/12/2020 16:56

Another vote for you did nothing wrong. She told you she wasn't interested in him and she was seeing other people...

MrsHugsxx · 27/12/2020 17:10

Personally I wouldn't go for a guy that had slept with my friend but I don't think what you did was wrong necessarily. You could end up marrying the guy and his 5 minute thing with your friend will be in the past. I think if you both genuinely really like each other then you shouldn't let your friend stand in the way of that.

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:12

Yeah me either..I would never have thought I would do that. I said in the beginning I don’t think anything can happen between us because of what happened with him and my friend but obviously feelings grew 🙈
Thankyou everyone I feel a little less of an absolute bitch xx

OP posts:
Enko · 27/12/2020 17:14

Another one who feels you didnt do wrong

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 17:26

It turned into us falling out and things being said that I wouldn’t normally say

Agree with PP it's hardly the crime of the century and you haven't done something awful - but what were these things you said? Her being reasonable in her response is sort of dependent on what you said I think as she may be reacting to your words more than your actions re this guy.

LaceyBetty · 27/12/2020 17:32

I don't know that I agree with previous posters. I would generally steer way clear of anyone a friend of mine has history with exactly to avoid a situation like this. Not worth it.

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:36

She was telling me I was wrong what I was doing, that I had effectively stole him from her, she was still staying at his etc...
I knew she had stayed at his a few times in recent weeks because he lives close by to where she goes drinking and she goes there instead of travelling home. He told me each time. They shared a bed but he refused to cuddle etc and he told her he couldn’t because He liked me. He told me he wasn’t comfortable with her staying so much but didn’t want to turn her away late at night etc. I told her that he wasn’t comfortable with her staying and I said something along the lines of “he’s been trying to get rid of you for weeks”
I feel terrible for saying this to her but it was in the heat of the moment during an argument

OP posts:
ThisTooShallBe · 27/12/2020 17:39

And you believed him? This does put a different perspective on the matter. I think he’s playing both of you

LaceyBetty · 27/12/2020 17:40

I know you are sad about this and not trying to be mean, but sounds like her saying it was casual etc. was because she was trying to protect herself. She may have been insecure as to how much he liked her.

LaceyBetty · 27/12/2020 17:41

It must feel awful to have that confirmed and because he apparently prefers her friend.

LaceyBetty · 27/12/2020 17:42

And also, you saying he was trying to get rid of her must have been mortifying for her!

justanotherneighinparadise · 27/12/2020 17:42

I did similar in my late teens in that my friend fancied a boy. It was unreciprocated as he liked me and I liked him. We got together behind my friends back and she fell out with me. I don’t regret it.

Julie876 · 27/12/2020 17:44

Oh. Wow. She really is better off without either of you. Why didn't you put that in the OP?

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:44

Yeah I believe him.
And yes it must have been awful for her,

OP posts:
LucyLocketsPocket · 27/12/2020 17:45

He's been sleeping with both of you by the sound of it. There's no way they shared a bed but nothing else happened.

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:45

Why didn’t I put what? What I said to her? Because I’m ashamed of it. I did say that I had said horrible things in my op

OP posts:
Oly4 · 27/12/2020 17:48

I don’t agree with people saying it’s nothing.. there’s no way I’d end up with somebody who had been involved with my friend. There are other men you could have ended up with

Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:49

I do believe they didn’t have sex, she has said so herself xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Changes2021 · 27/12/2020 17:50

Yeah you are right. And I did try so hard to stay away from him xx

OP posts:
Julie876 · 27/12/2020 17:50

What you said? Yes, it changes things somewhat.
Also that your friend and your new boyfriend ( is that who he is is ?) have been sharing a bed several times in the last few weeks. That you and your boyfriend? Have been bitching and making a fool out of your friend behind her back . This is a fucking mess and normal people don't behave like this. You should stay away from her, she can do better.

A friend would not have done this .

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