I’m possibly the shittest friend in the world

[Changes2021]

Hey I’ve ruined my relationship with my friend.
I need to get some outside perspective.
My friend and I work in a bar. We are both single. Recently we got friendly with a bunch of guys who are in the area for work (6 months)
My friend got friendly with one of the guys, she stayed at his house a few times, I believe they slept together once. All the while she and him both said it was nothing, just fun, she told me she wasn’t interested in him, and she was also seeing other men, and actively looking for a relationship elsewhere. I was never interested in the guy mentioned above l, but then something happened in my life and he was very supportive, always checking in on me, giving me words of advice and just being there for me. One night we had all been out together and he kissed me. I kissed him back. I told my friend the day after as I felt so bad, I felt like I gone behind her back. She was good about it, obviously a bit hurt. But I genuinely didn’t intend on anything else happening with this guy. We started to msg everyday..we grew very close and I started to grow feelings for him. And he did me. I didn’t mentioned any of this to friend. There were a few occasions when she turned up to his a accommodation and he told her he liked me so couldn’t go there with her. So last night night we were all together (I live outside uk..covid regulations are different here) she started making comments to me, like to let me know she knew about me and him, and saying things to make me feel bad. Rightly so. It turned into us falling out and things being said that I wouldn’t normally say. This morning she has removed me and him from all social media, and she’s very hurt and upset that I would do this to her. I feel horrible and lost. I feel stupid cos I’ve lost my friend for a guy that will be going back to his hometown in a few weeks. I’m an idiot. I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like such a shit person and just feel so alone

@Changes2021

Yeah you are right. And I did try so hard to stay away from him xx

Oh please.

An ok, glad I asked in that case.

Yeah you were really nasty to say that and it will have reinforced her feeling really shitty about herself in a way that was totally unnecessary.

It's about what you said to her during that conversation more than it is about your behaviour prior, IMO.

Imagine finding out the guy you like has been talking about you in a humiliating and dismissive attitude way ("trying to get rid of you"), to a mutual friend he is also seeing, and that mutual friend using that as emotional ammunition in a discussion. Horrible thing to do.

FYI the kind of guy who speaks about a woman that way, a woman he knows has feelings for him and who he doesn't have the maturity to be firm and clear with eg "you can't stay over because I don't want to lead you on, so let's get you an uber home" really isn't that desirable.

If a guy was either so cowardly he couldn't do that or so immature and mean spirited he moaned about her to me like he did to you, I would think he was a prick.

So, while he was ‘consoling’ you, he was sleeping with both of you? He let her stay over, in his bed, because he didn’t want to say she had to go home? He couldn’t sleep on the sofa, they had to share a bed?? Oh please......🙄

I had a friend like this. When we were both single I knew better than to even remotely suggest I was interested in a man because I knew she would be right in there "competing" with me. She always said it just happened and she didn't mean for it to happen etc.

I bet he’s loving this OP!

How old are you op?

Drop the guy, OP. Try and fix things with your friend. It's what you've said, (and what you and him have said between you) that's really done the damage here.

I hope you can sort it.

I know you are sad about this and not trying to be mean, but sounds like her saying it was casual etc. was because she was trying to protect herself. She may have been insecure as to how much he liked her.

This. That’s why you don’t hop into bed with a guy your friend has slept with. I’m mind blown at the posters that think this is ok?!

You've let some guy you hardly know and who will be leaving, come between a good friendship.

He has been playing you both. His supportiveness and checking in on you was solely to get in your pants.

Dump the creep and apologise to your friend.

I can't believe you both put this creep beyond your friendship. He obviously been playing you both, what 'nice guy' would allow a women to sleep in his own bed, but reject her as he likes someone else?? Really? Come on now.

It makes no sense. I am guessing you are all young, early 20s?

Had this happen to me a few years ago. I didn't care and carried on seeing him until it eventually ended. Just didn't tell her. Was none of her business (they'd been on one date a few years previously) and she was trying to have ownership over a human and that just isn't on imo. The guy in question wasn't exactly thrilled she was stirring up drama for no reason either.

An ex, fair enough. But a ONS or someone you dated once? No chance.

Continue seeing him and don't feel guilty. She has a lot of growing up to do. And honestly, would she stop seeing someone she liked for you? I doubt it.

OP - you're fine.
Your friend continued to see other people. She can't have her cake and eat it.
I thought a guy was hot, but he preferred my friend. I was really happy for her and they have been married 20 yrs+ and we are all still friends- because I wasn't a dick who said, "but,I liked him first". Love has to be reciprocated - otherwise it's just a one sided crush.

Like PPs, I think that she had feelings for him but was playing it down to protect herself. The fact that she turns up at his after nights out would suggest that actually she was pretty keen on him.

I suppose you could say that she should have been honest about her feelings so you knew the score, but actually, if she had no idea that you also liked him she probably thought she could just wait and see how things developed before putting her feelings out there.

What you said was really cruel. It's much worse than the fact you started something up with him imo.

Well, what you said was harsh but (possibly? Unless he's a liar) true, doesn't make it OK but it sounds like it was an argument between you rather than you just attacking her? Sorry if I've read that wrong. He was distancing himself from her as he was more interested in you and that feeling was reciprocated. Is she a good friend of yours? Sorry if I've missed that.

I think it depends on your feelings and what happens next as to how bad this is. Worst case is you lose your friendship and this man vanishes into thin air when he leaves town. That's not a nice resolution, I know.

My own story in this vein... I lived abroad for many years and there was a local-ish man I vaguely knew who was 'seeing' (booty call type thing I suppose you'd say) an acquaintance of mine within the same friendship group. He didn't hang out with the group but knew most people within it and obviously this other woman and then me, too as I moved to the area later than her and then got to know all the locals and other foreigners living there as well.

As I got to know him better, we started seeing each other and he stopped seeing her. She was furious (with me) and I guess was in the right to be upset, but me and this man were totally drawn to one another once we started getting to know each other and I knew it was special so I was a lot more hard-faced about it than I would ever normally be about anything. He went back to a different town as he was transferred with work so it could have been that I caused a rift in that friendship group and he just disappeared, so lose-lose all round apart from him. What actually happened was, we stayed in touch and I moved to be with him in the other town and we've now been married for seven years and have a child.

Make of that what you will. I'd still be the villain in the piece in her eyes (I know she still talks about it to mutual friends) but there was no relationship between them beyond hooking up (hate that phrase but it applies), we were all young then, and I kept my hand in the game because I wanted that man and knew he was special. Could have turned out very differently, only you know where the priorities lie. Wishing you luck, don't beat yourself up too much.

From your friends point of view she saw a man a few times, slept with him him once, it wasn't really serious , she saw other men and then her friend(you) kissed this man, she was okayish about it. She kept seeing this man, kept sharing a bed with him but he said " I like your friend, nothings going to happen", then she finds out that her friend and this man have been seeing each other for a while? An argument ensues and the friend says "this guy has been trying to get rid of you for weeks".

Is this what happened? I can't see what your friend did wrong, why weren't either you or this man honest with her? This is much worse than just liking the same guy as a friend.... Why didn't you tell your friend what was going on when you knew she was spending the night in his bed?

He's playing you! If he really liked you he wouldn't have let her sleep in his bed. Do you really want to be with a guy who does that? I think you do sound like a bit of a terrible friend, yes.

I am glad the girl has healthy enough boundaries to block you. „He tried to get rid of you.“ WTF. Also, how spineless do you have to be to not be able to avoid some person sharing your bed?!? You guys deserve one another, no doubt.