Leaving relationships in January 2020

[Ilovethesummertime]

Anyone else planning on ending their relationship or leaving so/ dh in the new year and if so..?why??

Hi everyone I am new to this and just wanted to share with you my experience and maybe get some feed back I was married 20 years and this April we split after months of him lieing to me and then becoming physically aggressive when I stood up to him on many occasions he caused bruising etc my children were terrified so I had to end it . I contacted the police and they made him leave he as harrased me every since and now I am getting a restraining order. After all this I still feel very sad my marriage is over and really miss him he wasn't always bad the thought of a new year alone makes me so sad he as no contact with my children.

@Lounew you did the right thing. He's changed. The person he used to be no longer exists. You're loving and missing a memory version of him . The reality version of him is awful, remember that every time you get sucked into your happier memories. Good luck for your brighter future.

@carlywurly I could have written your post! We get on brilliantly and when it's good it's great and I don't mind doing absolutely everything, partially because I delude myself into thinking that eventually he'll step in and help out. But he never does. Think he's also totally delusional about his contributions, and he gets upset when I point out that he does nothing and then I have to comfort him. A tale as old as time! He is also increasingly sanctimonious and patronising, which is ironic given that he knows how to do very little. The light bulb in his office went out the other day and he moved all his stuff (that he was using) into the spare room, rather than change the lightbulb. I mean...

I feel like I'm partially to blame for his incredibly low capacity - I've been excusing the lack of contribution for so long. And why would he ever bother working out how to do something (e.g. diy/repairing something) when he knows I'll learn it and do it?

Anyway, we've argued about it loads of times, I've said 'if this doesn't get better it's over'. He doesn't take me seriously (who would? I've cried wolf so often!) I've stopped doing things around the house - don't really care any more (it's just us, so we're the only ones being neglected) and last night told him we were through.

I'm waiting for him to talk to me about it, because it feels like a further indignity that I have to be the one to arrange how things pan out from here - I might be waiting a long time !

All sounds terrible written out, but it's actually fine/I feel good.

to everyone worrying about money, please dont let this be your reason to stay. i left my husband and did three jobs and everything has fallen into place. good luck to you all x

@Sparechange 'And how can I tell DC daddy has moved out? I forced them to have a closer relationship, and then just as it’s starting to come good, I throw him out?'
I've been doing this for the last 18 months, helping the DC feel more comfortable and closer to their Dad. I don't think it's wasted or a reason to stay. It's good that they feel closer to him, it will help the DC feel more comfortable when it's his time with them.

Thank you for that this is exactly what I need to remember .

I told him last night i want to split up
he didn’t really accept it
Wanting to work it out etc...

@Ilovethesummertime well done for taking that first step! How did you leave it?

I just said im not discussing it i stand by my decision
He went up to bed🤨
I stayed on the couch

@Ilovethesummertime does he think you're going to change your mind today? What's your next step

Probably

Im not sure, ask him to move out I guess

🙋‍♀️ me too.

I feel like a lot of you on here, not brave enough, scared of the unknown, worried about the damage to my children. Where my situation differs a bit is that I don’t really have any complaints about DH, I just don’t love him anymore and it makes me feel very guilty.
We’ve been together for 18 years and have 3 children. I’ve changed so much in that time, and my feelings have changed too. I have felt like this for almost a year, tried to tell him a couple of times but he just pretends it’s not happening and I haven’t pushed it.

It’s not an awful situation, we get on well but I just don’t want to me married to him anymore.......stuck in limbo, any advice welcome

I feel the same @yellowswan.

I actually feel my muscles tense up when I'm around DH because I just don't enjoy being around him. Often, he isn't doing anything wrong, just being himself. But I find his voice too loud, his movements too jerky, his eating habits annoying. I flinch when he touches me.

I tense up around DH too. Though in my case Id say he's often doing something I feel is wrong. For example shushing the children when they're talking normally. And I'm often on edge and tense because I can hear him getting annoyed and I'm concentrating to make sure he's not going to say anything bad or get really angry. The way he talks to the kids sometimes is not nice. Like the other day calling our 4 year old a "lying little lier" with lots of venom.

@Ilovethesummertime what's the plan if he won't leave? I'm sure DH won't when the time comes and I can't otherwise house equity counts as an asset and I wouldn't be able to get benefits. Currently unable to work. I know DH will try to talk me round and blame me for everything, that's his usual MO.

You can’t help how you feel @Yellowswan. Did anything in particular trigger it or more slow decrease and you woke up one day and realised the love was gone? If it was a specific problem maybe counselling would help or if its a symptom of feeling run down and exhausted. But I think there's a stage when you know it's done, even if in my case you don't want to face that. I know DH and I are very different people to who we were 20 years ago. I think that's one of the risks when you get together young, you grow apart instead of together.

@Anditgoesoff I could have written what you did- I feel exactly the same! And I feel guilty for feeling like that.

@HereIAmOnceAgain your situation sounds very tough, treading on eggshells and I’m sure not helped by lockdown etc.

I don’t think anything triggered it for me, as you say, just a slow realisation. And yes, I agree with what you say about getting together young, we have definitely grown apart over the years

I've been on eggshells all night and I've just had enough- I joke to my friends that me breathing sets DP off but in all seriousness I've barely spoken to him tonight because I can feel the tension and that was from before Boris!

He did a big sigh and I asked if he was okay, what a mistake that was!

We've had a nice time over New Year but I can see that the only time we can have a nice time or enjoy being together is on his say so, it always depends on his moods and whether he likes me or not that day, it's just sad.

@Ilovethesummertime how are you getting on?

I ended my relationship in December. We'd been together five years, but it had been difficult for a while, we kept breaking up and getting back together, but the same problems kept occurring, so many problems.

I'm finding it incredibly hard, I miss him so much and keep thinking we could have made it work in different circumstances, but if I'm honest I don't think we could have. Spent most of last night crying because we finally decided we shouldn't talk at all because it isn't helping and it seemed so final. I'm trying to distract myself, but it's difficult when I can't meet friends or even go out much.

How's everyone else coping?

Hi reply to comment above I am in same position we broke up in April he was violent not been very nice since but after 25 years together I really miss him or the person i want him to be no one really gets that and it's been me begging him to try again he keeps saying no blames me making him angry I don't know how to move on or if I want to any advice welcome

I'm really struggling. I miss him so much and feel so lonely. I can't bear the thought that he'll never hold me in his arms again

OMG, I did it! It happened. The opportunity presented itself and I took it.

I told my DH that I feel so sorry for everything that has happened to him, to us, and would like to stay together a little longer until we heal and are both back on our feet. However, I cannon be his intimate partner anymore, I really cannot. There is no connection between us anymore. I definitely think that he should be stay with us a little longer and in six months or a year that he should move. I told him, as calmly as I could, how I feel. That I feel exhausted by this relationship, how he makes me feel stressed, intimidated, uncomfortable. I can never talk to him about anything important he will start arguing, put me down, shut me up. All the while, he was just listening, which I appreciated, he was not arguing like he usually does, but he was not “listening” listening, because he did not once say, “I am sorry you feel that way”, “I am sorry this happened”, he just sat there. He asked if I did not want to work this out? But how, I asked, we have been together 25 years, if we have not figured it out by now, we never will. And what does he mean by “working things out”? Have sex. Because this is what would happen in past. He thinks that as long as we have sex our marriage is ok. OMG. That is what he thinks. He never really does anything different; he does not even try. He does not think that he is doing anything wrong.
So anyway, I think, that we will do that now, wait it out until he gets a proper job and the whole family heals from the loss we experienced, at least that is what I think. He has not said much. How do I feel? Better, not great, and at times just the same. But I am glad that I am over the hump. There is no going back now, just onwards and upwards.

I hope OP that you get your opportunity soon.

@loveyourself2020
Well done for being brave about your future and refreshing the thread !
Do you have grown up children? If so, how have they taken it?
Wishing you all the best for the future

@Carreterra
Yes, kids are grown up, 23, 20 an 16 but living with us still. We have not yet talked to them because we just talked yesterday to each other. Idk when we will find courage to talk to them and how they will react. My daughters are struggling with depression and anxiety so I am afraid what this may trigger. The good news is that my H seems to be ok with leaving the house. I was afraid that he would make me leave and all I want is to stay with my kids just a little longer and enjoy. We will see.

This is my first post and seemed to be the most appropriate place for me to just vent and try to get some perspective although it is June and not January!!

My H has been emotionally and physically distant to me now for just under a year and although I have tokenly tried to speak to him to find out what the issue was, it was only last Monday that I really tried to give it a go.

We had the discussion, talked about separating, him not me LOL and had several discussions over the week about what our issues were. Many and varied is what I got from the conversations, but finally ended up with his new mantra of I love you, I don’t want us to separate BUT I don’t want to hurt you anymore, it’s me not you.. Confused? I know I am so came to a decision to move into a serviced apartment for a time out and to think of a way to work through any problems with a view to making our lives together work. I have been here for a few days now and am really enjoying the self reflection and can see and admit that our relationship, despite the 30 years of good times, it has also had its fair share of down times where I am happy to admit that I have both enabled his bad behaviour (ignoring me for days at a time etc) by not really addressing the issue at the time, but also that my own behaviour has not been as perfect as I have led myself to believe. I genuinely have sat here and poured my thoughts out on paper looking for solutions and ways forward and really thought I was getting somewhere. I really thought we had a future.

Tonight I had dinner with my DD and now have no idea what I am going to do! So a bit of background is that we are both ex military and both did 22 year plus careers and enjoyed the multitude of experiences that were on offer to us, and in the later stage of my career my H left the military and settled in our own house whilst I served my last 3 years overseas.

It turns out that from about the age of 12 (she is now 23) my DD has suspected that my H has cheated on me several times. She has caught him on internet web chats with nude women and other stuff and she has confronted him several times over her suspicions. Each time his handling of these situations has been questionable, and tonight my DD broke down in tears as she suspects yet again that this may be an affair. She now feels extraordinarily guilty that she didn’t tell me before, he told her not to worry me about these situations as it would upset me and that it should be their secret as the lady was only a work colleague, and even more guilty that she has told me now as it has completely thrown me, I have no idea how to process this information and was physically sick. Not just at the cheating (or lack of as she was only 12 at the time), but more so at the incredibly selfish way my H handled the whole situation and placed this impossible burden on such a young child!!

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this now. I looked at this time out as a positive thing giving us both time to frame our thoughts and to decide what we really wanted but after seeing my DD tonight break down crying and saying how relieved she felt that she has finally been able to say something, I can’t help but feel I don’t really know this man now, or if indeed I have ever known him and it is breaking my heart.

Any words of wisdom would be gratefully received, I am in limbo and my heart and head are battling it out constantly and I can’t see a way forward like I did before 😔