Leaving relationships in January 2020

[Ilovethesummertime]

Anyone else planning on ending their relationship or leaving so/ dh in the new year and if so..?why??

He could be depressed or he could be manipulative and controlling @anomum123. It's a very manipulative thing to do telling you he'll hurt himself. Unless he is willing to commit to treatment, see his doctor urgently, get counselling I wouldn't be damaging myself by staying. Some people take their MH problems out on others and are never willing to work to fix things. DH has been sick with stress at times, but he's never been willing to do anything about it. It's all my fault he's stressed because I did or didn't do xyz. It'd all be fine if I just supported him better. You can only help him if he's willing to get help. I get wanting to make things better for the kids, but if he's not willing to get help I wouldn't let him maybe having depression stop me leaving with the kids. Besides what he said are there any signs he's depressed?

@HereIAmOnceAgainIn the past few months his mood has been very down and he’s been negative about everything (more so than normal as he’s never upbeat) He’s been sucking the life from the house.
That said you raise a very good point - I need to speak to him to say I’m happy to try and give things another chance but only if he actually gets some help. He desperately needs to go to a councillor and try to find some happiness as the whole family can’t be made miserable because he won’t even try to help himself!

Yes, if I’m brave enough. Wanted to do it for years but never had the courage...

Trying to work out a way that he can leave without both of us losing everything. He too lost his job since March pandemic .
Been trying to see if I can cohabitate with him for financial reasons , but it is proving too hard.
Not been in a relationship since I discovered multiple cheating while working away . It will be 2 years since Dday in Jan and I am sick of him .

Me.

It's been on the cards for 2 years, but I've been determined to be very present for my 2 young daughters and remain working very part-time. They start school this year, so things are about to change; I have already increased my working hours in preparation. I also have a plan after speaking with a life coach several times throughout the year and after doing some research, I have discovered that I can make it work financially without having to return to work full time prior to DCs starting school.

I have a timeline written out with Plan A and Plan B options. My first hurdle is my inlaws receiving the covid-19 vaccination, at which point, I will request DH move in with them for a while. If he refuses, we will move out and rent.

I will hopefully be able to remain in the family home until September, receiving maintenance etc from DH which will count towards my earnings when I apply for my own mortgage. When DCs start school, I hope to be in FT employment, when I plan on selling our family home and using my half for a new home for me and DCs. DH will be able to purchase his own property too at this point if he wishes. I have told DH my plans, he doesn't think I'm serious. We have discussed custody though and have loosely agreed a 60/40 arrangement should we ever separate.

I'm looking forward to living again.
I'm quite excited.

Me. Maybe not straight away, but soon. I've been here once before. I left him and he clawed me back. I'm right back to square one and I could kick myself.
I need to leave though, everything is on hold. I just have this thing of "when I leave" - I'll do X, Y & Z. I can't do them now cos of him/cos it'll be money wasted etc. It's like everything is paused indefinitely and I need to push on with it.

I feel like life is paused in this waiting phase too @plonque
If I thought we would be staying in this house, we'd be saving up to do a small kitchen renovation, but it seems pointless at the moment.

I'm right there with all of you. Have decided to leave but not told him yet. He use to be physically abusive which stopped in last in last 5 years, but which I found my DC still remember. Since the it's been mental abuse and gaslighting. Am 45 and looking to move back in with my parents. Hopefully for short time as I look for somewhere to rent.
DH is a good talker and it's hard because I love him but I know how selfish he is too. My main concern is trying not to succumb to his talk. Support needed not to falter in my decision as I know I need to put my DC first. They are not happy as it stands.

After my 16 year old son turned around and told me last night that the laptop his dad brought me for Christmas doesn't makeup for the year of shit he's put me through and he can't believe how disengaged his dad was when we spent Christmas dad with my FIL (he sat there and barely spoke to anyone including his own dad) and that he doesn't recognise his dad anymore I've decided 2021 needs to be the year I need to make a change for my children.

It won't be happening in January;I need to find a job and start saving some money;also this would make it easier to find accommodation for myself and the kids as landlords prefer a working tenant and it'd be better in the long run.I'm going to restart my driving lessons so that I have a way of getting my kids from A to B and I need to sort my mental health out;the stress of the shit I have to put up with at home causes me a huge amount of anxiety with a side order of depression.

My kids don't need a unreliable emotionally checked out father.They think he's lazy as hell and think he's a hypocrite.I have no respect for him anymore because of the way he treats myself,the kids and our family members.My side of the family can't stand him anymore because of the way he treats us and snubbed him this Christmas by not buying him gifts;he didn't even notice.

He started his own business during lockdown which is going well so hopefully I'll get a decent maintenance payment for the kids.

Maybe me. my gut is telling me so, anyway.

Dp is lovely in many ways - really bright, funny and good company. He claims to adore me but he can also be so selfish and so sharp with me. I genuinely don't think he realises how he sounds but I feel bossed around and I'm utterly fed up of it as when I think about it, objectively I out-contribute him in every sense.

We've had the same conversation about how his sharp tone bothers me so many times, I've lost the will to carry on. It's an awful cycle of him snapping at me, me pushing back or getting upset, him apologising later on. It then happens again.

I do virtually everything around the house. If I ask him to do something he does, sometimes with a groan, sometimes after a long delay. I invariably do it in the meantime, otherwise we're all tripping over the recycling by the front door, for example, or treading crumbs round the house and then he snaps at me that I can't help myself by getting involved. I know I'm being trained never to ask and I bloody hate that.

Ultimately I'm so frustrated today at yet another needlessly stroppy conversation I could scream. I just want someone calm and consistent. I don't court the drama at all.

Fortunately separation will be as straightforward as it can be - we don't live together permanently , although he's been living at mine over lockdown and we do have separate finances.

Sorry, that was long.

Yes I am, my H is not interested in family life. He is good with children when suits him but won’t get up early to do the graft “too tired” from work yet I also work and push on 7 days no break.
Cannot discuss any arguments like an adult, closes down.
Focused on sports and sports on TV. Can watch for hours, sometimes never asks me how I am. No shared interests.
Shouting and swearing moody in front of our 3 young children. We can’t split households for a while but already enjoying my evenings more living apart in same house.
It’s sad I feel like a failure too / made wrong choice.

There was a similar thread on here last year which gave me the courage to finally part with the dead beet partner. Its been over a year now and I am so much happier. I thought I was going to miss him and fall into a pit of self pitty but I am still waiting for that so assume after more than a year I can be blissfully happy with my decision. So for those taking those steps, you will be OK, there is such a good life out there, even during a pandemic and restrictions. All the best to everyone in the new year

Yes, have had the chat! I don’t think it’s sunk in with him but I’ve been feeling distant for 18 months or more/
DH will be looking into ways of keeping the house and getting me out I’m sure. He said he can’t live in a 1 bed house whilst I lord it up in the marital home that he pays for.

@Stiltonloving

Yes I am, my H is not interested in family life. He is good with children when suits him but won’t get up early to do the graft “too tired” from work yet I also work and push on 7 days no break. Cannot discuss any arguments like an adult, closes down. Focused on sports and sports on TV. Can watch for hours, sometimes never asks me how I am. No shared interests. Shouting and swearing moody in front of our 3 young children. We can’t split households for a while but already enjoying my evenings more living apart in same house. It’s sad I feel like a failure too / made wrong choice.

I think we all have these emotions, I looked at mine `Dh and thought I wanted to just hug him, but I really do not...

I was talking to mine about something important to me this morning (details about a new job) and he was just looking at me with a weird expression and as soon as I stopped he just said "alright chins, double chin on that" and when I asked him what he was talking about he just kept saying chins while gesturing towards me.

It's just not normal behaviour, who even does that?! I'm a size 10/12 with one chin ffs and straight away I was in the mirror looking to see what he was talking about. He wonders why we don't have sex much 🤷🏻‍♀️ who would feel comfortable getting naked in front of someone like that.

@Supertrooper81 'I think we all have these emotions, I looked at mine `Dh and thought I wanted to just hug him, but I really do not...'. Me too both those emotions and the wanting but not wanting to hug him.

We've been together 20 years, half my life, so much history and sometimes I still feel these pangs of familiarity, wanting to reach out and be hugged tight by him, but it's like a memory. I don't want to actually touch him, I want to be enfolded by the person he was or I thought he was a decade ago. The person I thought could never hurt me. I want to step back into that safe place, I want the nightmare of hurt and distance between us to disappear. It's so tempting sometimes. But I won't let myself do that again. I've let the history and memory of love and safety pull me back in before and I just ended up losing even more of me.

@carlywurly mention of crumbs reminded me of this time he got angry over crumbs on the floor, snapping at me that he'd clean them up. Coming back later and he was getting annoyed at one of our boys snapping at him for walking in the crumbs, that DH had left sitting there for half an hour. A 20 second job, he had to make his point. Can't even remember why he was angry now, just that I didn't want to make him more annoyed by cleaning it up. He hasn't done something like that for a while but it's all still there for me. He used to be my safe place, he's become someone that triggers my anxiety, someone whose anger I'm always listening out for. Everything came so out of the blue, I don't have any idea what if anything will trigger it again. And I don't even trust myself anymore, I don't know if I'm overreacting because of my anxiety, if he's right that I'm the problem. My mind is so messed up. But I do know that beyond coparenting I can't be in a relationship with him ever again.

Oh god @baubled I massively winced reading that. It's such a totally unnecessary, cruel and twatty thing to say.

Where do you even go from there in the conversation? What are they thinking the outcome will be when they say this stuff?

So things escalated for me last night, we had a chat and things were said, mainly by him, that cannot be taken back. So he’s moving to his friends today, then we’ll sort out the finer details in a couple of days. Feel a bit shell shocked and dreading telling the children.
The only way is up though, right?

@Mummysgonetobed I'm sorry
Try to think of it as the push you needed, you're on your way to your new life now. A life where you can do whatever you want, whenever you want without ol misery guts putting the dampers on it. (That's my mantra!)

Eww a smirker. You'll be well shot of him then. Giid luck!

@Mummysgonetobed

So things escalated for me last night, we had a chat and things were said, mainly by him, that cannot be taken back. So he’s moving to his friends today, then we’ll sort out the finer details in a couple of days. Feel a bit shell shocked and dreading telling the children. The only way is up though, right?

Please try and keep civil for the sake of the children. It’s going to be really hard but you may have to fake it for a while. Sending love and good luck xx

@anomum123

What do you do when they say they would do themselves harm if you do leave/split? I’m so confused, I really don’t feel he loves me but then I’m not sure he really knows how to show love.

I'm not splitting up but I wanted to answer this post. You can call the police for a welfare check, they go and see if he's ok, if they think he's at risk of harm they'll take him to A&E where a psychiatrist will decide if he needs to stay in hospital or not. You can call the police every time he says he's going to harm himself. That's where your responsibility for his safety ends, with that phone call. It's not your responsibility to fix him or his problems and you're not responsible for his behaviour, he is responsible for all that.

I've been plotting to leave all year and April is when things will happen for me.
It's hard because things aren't terrible, they're perfectly tolerable at the moment. We've even had a semi-enjoyable Christmas together. He's been nice. Still in separate rooms, no sex, but pleasant. He massaged my feet whilst watching TV and eating quality street last night.
I'm confused because plotting to leave was so much easier when things were bad. At the moment, I just find him very irritating at most.
I'm starting to doubt my decision.
Yet at the same time, I'm sure I want, need more than this. That he hasn't carried out past promises, that deep down, when there are no lockdowns, he will go back to selfishly pleasing himself and putting his hobbies first.
So confused

I'm confused because plotting to leave was so much easier when things were bad. At the moment, I just find him very irritating at most.
I'm starting to doubt my decision.

That strikes a chord with me. Christmas has been ok for the most part. Whilst I know through experience that he'll do something soon that will make me scream inside and renew my desire to leave, if I told him right now how I'm feeling, it kind of wouldn't apply iyswim?
I know I need to break the cycle though, it's no life to have these small snatches of "barely, acceptably ok" mixed with periods of "proper pit of despair unhappiness" especially when the ratio is far in the unhappinesses favour.

Plonque, Anditsoff

I’m in the same place. When things are fine, I can see a future, plan a holiday. And then he says things I can never forget, know he is the root cause of all my unhappiness and can’t bring myself to think this is all my life can amount to.

The only area he has stepped up is parenting, and he is a great dad. But that’s so bittersweet. He can pull his socks up for DC, but not for me. So I clearly mean nothing to him.
And how can I tell DC daddy has moved out? I forced them to have a closer relationship, and then just as it’s starting to come good, I throw him out?

I just don’t know what to do. We are spending money we don’t have seeing a therapist every week but all that is doing is making me see that we were probably doomed from the start and the ‘good place’ I’ve been clinging onto us getting back to, probably never existed in the first place and is just my rose tinted rear view mirror