How honest should I be about being inexperienced?

[FarTooOldForTikTok]

I'm 28 and I've never had a boyfriend, but I met someone online during the summer. It's obviously been completely stop-start and sober.

He's very keen that I come and stay at his for a few days (we both WFH and he's suggested quarantining beforehand also).

Part of me wants to go but part of me is petrified. I think I really need to be honest about how inexperienced I am. I wish that I wasn't, but I am, and I think I need more time. He messages every day but I think this has made our 'relationship' (it's not, but ykwim) more than what it should be?

I am also aware that I have a terrible habit of self sabotaging because I don't want to deal with things, but I don't think I'm doing that here...

It sounds as if he will be expecting sex, is that what you want too?

I wouldn't be going and staying at his just yet regardless of how experienced I was

Sometimes I do, but I still feel horrified at the thought of having to take all my clothes off in front of him.

If you need more time, you shouldn't stay at his home, but even if you had all the experience in the world, I wouldn't recommend you stay over either. Am I correct in believing you haven't even met him in person yet? If that's true, I think you would be mad to stay at his home. He's not much more than a stranger.

As to telling him about your lack of experience, just tell him. If he respects you, he won't even care.

It’s hard work spending 24/7 with someone you don’t really know, even if you take out the sex aspect. I’d tell him you want to date a bit first, go for walks us about all that you can really do at the moment. If he won’t settle for that then alarm bells might ring..

I think it's really important to know your own boundaries and to be able to set your own pace so if you're not ready it's absolutely fine to just say that, your level of experience is irrelevant imo. More generally I've actually felt it's been a mistake to say anything about my worries about inexperience, it's added stress and complications rather than lessened them for me. I've realised now that we're all inexperienced with a new partner, everyone is different and the first time with someone new might as well be our first time ever for all we know about that particular persons body and preferences. I think it helps if you can go in with that attitude, you're learning about each other from scratch and he knows no more about you than you do about him sexually. But do nothing you're not ready for, you would be setting yourself up for it to go wrong if it's too soon anyway

No, I have met him in person. I feel the daily messaging has made it more than it really is though.

I just don't know how to broach the experience thing. I think he would be considerate.

More generally I've actually felt it's been a mistake to say anything about my worries about inexperience, it's added stress and complications rather than lessened them for me.

I was worried about this too, if it would make it more of a big thing, and I possibly make the 'relationship' more serious too. I think he'd try to make it 'special' when part of me wants to get it over with.

I'm so confused. I'm not thinking straight.

I just don't know how to broach the experience thing.

You just open your mouth, tell him you have something you want to talk about, and say it. Don't do this over text. You're an adult so have an adult conversation.

We don't phone each other though. It's all message....

No matter how experienced you are you shouldn't go and stay at a complete stranger's house for a few days. That's really unsafe and you could end up getting trapped or pressured into stuff (or, you know, murdered)

Keep things light at first. Have you ever met him in real life? Just go for a walk in a park with him, then gradually build up to longer and more involved dates like coffee in a coffee shop, then a meal in a restaurant, then a day trip to the seaside to see if you get along and if you want to pursue things with him.

You don't need to go 0 to 100mph straight away. Take baby steps into intimacy and find your comfort level. Sex won't be enjoyable if you're terrified!

In some ways it pains me to say it, because I am a fan of disclosure and trust, but I would not at this stage discuss your lack of "experience" with him and would focus on the practical part, i.e. where your boundaries are and what you currently feel comfortable with. That's the part that matters tbh - why you feel that way is your business, and a good'un should be respectful and supportive either way. Sadly I think there is a risk of the information being used against you, or in a way you regret.

Just to be clear on this: so you're saying that you're a virgin, yes? Have you kissed before, or fooled around with a man? Have you and he kissed or had any physical contact?

You don't know him well enough to share intimate information.
Take it easy.
In fact that's a bit of an ask for someone who barely knows you for that matter.

Have you ever met him in real life? Just go for a walk in a park with him, then gradually build up to longer and more involved dates like coffee in a coffee shop, then a meal in a restaurant, then a day trip to the seaside to see if you get along and if you want to pursue things with him.

We've done walks, coffee and lunch :)

You can really feel like things have progressed more than they actually have when your whole relationship has been online. The reality is he’s a stranger and you may not have chemistry in real life. It must be so tough getting to know someone in the current situation, but don’t rush into anything.

Sorry I didn’t realise you’d met

No, I've never kissed him or anyone else. I'm very awkward (you will be surprised to learn!) and don't pick up social cues very easily.

He needs to know.

Otherwise, you might end up in a situation that’s awkward for both of you. If he knows in advance, it’s fine. Just, “Look, I’m a bit unsure how to say this but I’ve not really had a boyfriend before so I’m new to the physical stuff. If I come round we would need to take it slow, okay?” And if he’s the right chap he’ll respond in a way that makes it feel okay.

Any sign that he isn’t, move on.

If you've not kissed or anything yet, I'd say not to go and stay at his house. He will, not unreasonably, probably assume that you are coming to have sex and there's too much potential for upset and misunderstanding.

I would keep it on the dating level and at least go for the snog first. Do you feel physically attracted to him? Do you want to kiss him? As someone outside this situation, I'd be a bit concerned that feelings of "let's get this over with so I can be 'normal'" might end up swamping any actual feelings of attraction.

I’d be concerned that you’re considering this. You’re putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable situation, regardless of your experience or lack thereof. The odds are that this guy is ok but I know several women who were raped in similar situations.

As someone outside this situation, I'd be a bit concerned that feelings of "let's get this over with so I can be 'normal'" might end up swamping any actual feelings of attraction.

I have so much swirling around my head. I wanted the chance to have a boyfriend and kiss/ have sex so badly, but now it just feels to much, but I don't want to frighten away the only person ever interested in me.

I really think that you need to get to know this person better before you agree to what his is asking. You are clearly not someone who espouses casual relationships or you would have had several by now. I think that this would make you feel very uncomfortable. Bide your time and get to know him better.

I know we are all trying to work out where we stand with lockdown, but I feel it's making what is there fake-serious? Does that make sense? I hear from him every day, so it's technically been almost 6 months. I am so, so confused at the minute.

@FarTooOldForTikTok

As someone outside this situation, I'd be a bit concerned that feelings of "let's get this over with so I can be 'normal'" might end up swamping any actual feelings of attraction.

I have so much swirling around my head. I wanted the chance to have a boyfriend and kiss/ have sex so badly, but now it just feels to much, but I don't want to frighten away the only person ever interested in me.

It's okay to want to take it slowly. If you've had several dates so far and haven't kissed yet then it seems like he's ok with taking it slowly too. Definitely don't do the staying over thing. It's clearly too much for you right now and I think the odds are high you would regret it.

I might consider saying something along the lines of "I don't have a lot of experience with dating and I'd like to take things slowly". That gives you the chance to be open without making yourself too vulnerable, and seeing if he's up to doing things in the way you need.

If you can afford it, I would strongly consider finding a therapist who can handhold you through this and dating generally and help you figure out what you actually want, and make sure you stay tapped into those feelings.