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Original poster

How honest should I be about being inexperienced?

52 replies

FarTooOldForTikTok · 26/12/2020 22:39

I'm 28 and I've never had a boyfriend, but I met someone online during the summer. It's obviously been completely stop-start and sober.

He's very keen that I come and stay at his for a few days (we both WFH and he's suggested quarantining beforehand also).

Part of me wants to go but part of me is petrified. I think I really need to be honest about how inexperienced I am. I wish that I wasn't, but I am, and I think I need more time. He messages every day but I think this has made our 'relationship' (it's not, but ykwim) more than what it should be?

I am also aware that I have a terrible habit of self sabotaging because I don't want to deal with things, but I don't think I'm doing that here...

OP posts:
Sundance2741 · 26/12/2020 23:53

I don't think you should go and stay with him. You just don't know him well enough. You need to build up to this gradually. How much physical contact / touching has there been? You need some kissing and cuddling first.

It's no good being "terrified". That isn't what a relationship / sex is about. You need to feel comfortable when it happens, albeit that it would be natural to have some nerves about it.

I wouldn't state your virginal status right away. Wait and see how things progress and how it feels - if you want to go ahead and feel comfortable with him and the situation, that would be the time to say something.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/12/2020 00:01

Absolutely bluntly, don't overthink it, what does your gut say when I ask are you sexually attracted to him? Do you want to rip his clothes off and get down and dirty? Do you want to just grab him and snog the face off him?

Because if the answer to these questions is no, then he's not the one to get over your experience gap with. Just because he's offered doesn't mean you have to take him up on it...

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 00:17

I know you are confused OP but try and work out what you want.

The fact you text and do not talk is maybe a shame, you could learn more about him by chatting really.

I just hope you and him want the same things. Please look after yourself. Thanks

PS I think I was about 27 when I lost my virginity so don't worry about being older. It's fine. xxxxx

Lampan · 27/12/2020 00:48

There’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced and in your mind you are probably building it up as being a bigger deal than it actually is.
However, one of my rules of dating (regardless of experience!) is that I would not go to someone’s house (even for dinner etc, let alone staying over) if I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of having sex with that person.
If he is a good guy he will be understanding if you want to take things at your own pace. Reading your posts though, I get the feeling that maybe he isn’t the right guy? Being horrified at the idea taking your clothes off in front of him could be an indication you don’t fancy him maybe? And please don’t put too much emphasis on the fact that he is interested in you - more importantly, are you interested in him? Forcing a relationship with someone you’re not into will be more cause for future regret than remaining inexperienced for a bit longer.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 02:24

" And please don’t put too much emphasis on the fact that he is interested in you - more importantly, are you interested in him? Forcing a relationship with someone you’re not into will be more cause for future regret than remaining inexperienced for a bit longer."

100% agree with this.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/12/2020 02:33

I think it's pertinent that you are texting each other rather than talking. Texting doesn't allow you to get to know someone.

Its fine to say that you're not ready to stay over but suggest you talk rather than text. That way you'll get to know him better before deciding if you're ready for a physical relationship.

user1473878824 · 27/12/2020 02:59

I don’t think you should go and stay with him before you talk to him about this. The main thing is do YOU want all of this with HIM? If yes then you need to be able to talk to him about this stuff, if you can’t I would hugely advise against just biting the bullet and doing it. I think a therapist would be a great option but also agree with PP to not over think it too much, you have to find a happy medium. He has a right to manage his expectations as it were and you have a right to dictate what you want to happen.

Enchanted100 · 27/12/2020 03:12

To be honest, my advice would be the exact same to an experienced person, as it would be to an inexperienced person, in this situation. I'm not inexperienced, but I wouldn't stay at someone's house for a few days unless I was in an exclusive relationship with them. It's more intimate than sex for me, and it's when people's true colours come out. My friend has done this with a few men she has met off of a dating app but it seems so bizarre to me, not to mention dangerous. I can't imagine anything worse than staying with someone I've met a handful of times for more than one night, and even that's a push. Hmm

I'd advise having a sit down and thinking about what you want. Forget about this person for a minute, this is your life. What do you actually want? Are you interested in this type of stuff, or do you feel pressured? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced. Plus to be honest, it's all pretty natural once it gets going and that inexperienced feeling goes away pretty quickly!

If you're interested in taking this further, I agree with the above. Texting doesn't really prepare for intimacy. What about phone calls, or going on more walks together? I'd suggest getting comfortable in each other's presence first. If it helps, just mention you've never had a relationship before. It's no big deal. :)

KnitsAndGiggles · 27/12/2020 03:28

I lost my virginity at 28. I had had boyfriends before (not any good ones) and my boundaries were really messed up by them. I bitterly regret the person i ended up having my first time with, but at the time I thought it was a great idea. I pushed all my worries about his uncaring, thoughtless nature to one side. Relationship finally ended with him sexually assaulting me. The next relationship I had with a so called friend who knew about the past relationship and was pretty much just as bad, using my lack of experience against me. I had a lot of really bad sex that I didn't really know how to say no to.

If you don't love, respect and trust this man please don't use him to get your first time out of the way. The first time I had sex with my now DP I cried, because he was so gentle, respectful, loving and understanding. Please wait for the right person OP - it took months for him to undo the damage done by other people and for me to learn to trust him. That could have been avoided if I had not been so anxious to "lose it" because I was ashamed of still being a virgin. Its nobody's business but your own

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 03:47

KnitsAndGiggles excellent post. I'm sorry you went through that. My first time was no great shakes and the relationship wasn't great. Please OP look out for you. Thanks

KnitsAndGiggles · 27/12/2020 06:23

@Italiangreyhound

KnitsAndGiggles excellent post. I'm sorry you went through that. My first time was no great shakes and the relationship wasn't great. Please OP look out for you. Thanks
Thank you. I'm sorry for you as well. If I had known my DP would have turned up a couple of years later I would have waited. Hindsight is a wonderful thing
Isitreally77 · 27/12/2020 06:53

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. If he is the one he will be understanding. It should just come naturally and shouldn't cause you all this worry. I'm scared about the thought of having sex with someone new after all I was with my ex for 14 years and he is the only person who I've had sex with in 17 years. If any man doesn't understand that then he isn't the right one for me.

Take things at your own pace, you don't seem comfortable with staying over so tell him and if he cares he won't pressure you or try and make you feel guilty.

Whattheao · 27/12/2020 07:00

I wouldn't tell him about being inexperienced as it could affect the power balance.

I don't think your next step should be staying over, it should be actually talking on the phone.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 27/12/2020 08:00

Why do you message and not talk, that seems really strange?

nosswith · 27/12/2020 09:07

Your first meeting, if there is to be one, should be on neutral ground and somewhere you can walk away from. You should talk beforehand and preferably if that seems OK, video call/zoom/skype.

Going to someone's house is placing you at great risk if you have never met before.

howdoyouknow123 · 27/12/2020 09:14

Don't tell him about being inexperienced, it's none of his business.
If he really cares for you he'll be happy to wait until you're ready. Staying with him is full on and if you don't want to text everyday, then don't.

PurrBox · 27/12/2020 09:18

I think if you don't know him well enough to tell him you haven't had a boyfriend before then you don't know him well enough to stay for a few days. Can't you have a few more dates that at least lead to a few kisses first?

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 27/12/2020 10:47

I wish there had been something like Mumsnet when I was building up to my first time. I just decided it was about time I lost my virginity so went out and found a nice boy to do it with and it was still bloody painful because I couldn't relax.

All this good advice is just here at your fingertips and that's brilliant. You've had all the relationship and safety advice so I'm going to skip to the point where you are ready to have sex because you feel safe and sure.

My top advice would be (imagining the advice I wish someone could have given to my inexperienced self):

  • do loads and loads of kissing first - he's going to need to know you are inexperienced because experienced men move on quickly from kissing but if he doesn't rush you it will be the most brilliant thing - you can tell him once the kissing is already underway (if you are enjoying it)
  • you should find that if the kissing is really good, you won't feel nervous about top half only and that is a good place to pause if you're not ready because it's a good place to come back to
  • don't move on to more intimate touching until your body tells you it wants this - it probably will tell you this quite soon, but might take a while
  • you really want to have a couple of orgasms from just touching before you move on to penetration - partly because it helps you to get comfortable being sexual and partly because it relaxes you (he should know how to do this)
  • you need to get to know him too - a hand job is very very easy and you won't struggle to please him this way if you don't want to move on to full sex straight away
  • when you get to the point in your head where you want to have full sex (ie you trust him) make sure you also get to the point in your body where you want it too (ie you are really turned on and can't wait another minute)
  • finally, not to put too fine a point on it, use lube to make everything easier if you are nervous.

PS - don't ride home on a bicycle afterwards

Original poster
FarTooOldForTikTok · 27/12/2020 12:55

Thank you so much for all of the support. I really appreciate it. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone IRL.

I’m really no clearer on things this morning but I will not be going over. I know that is too much for me at the moment.

Flowers
OP posts:
ShinyCrocsOfRubber · 27/12/2020 13:22

PPs have given wonderful advice.

But if you're messaging rather then talking, it sounds as though you're not in love (wouldn't you be dying to hear each other's voices?) and nor do you sound as though you're in lust.

When my DH & I started going out we had both had sheltered upbringings (single sex schools etc etc) and over the course of about a year we did more or less what @ElizabethinherGermanGarden outlined. We loved each other and enjoyed being close.

Do what suits you when it comes to sex and intimacy. Always.

SVRT19674 · 27/12/2020 16:07

I met at 17 a boy who was 20 who I fancied to bits, and he was safe as a relative of family. We did not go the full way as I was a virgin and when he learnt I was underage he was shocked as I didn't look it. Next summer we met again, I was 18 and he was super keen, too keen, he wasn't listening to me, I needed someone to do it like a kind of mentor as I had zero experience. It ended in disaster. I pulled away and he hated it, I even got the equivalent of thw British two finger gesture. He made me feel like an idiot, like I had led him on or something. At 21 I met the one. He very nearly crashed but realised he needed to be slower and I have such a great memory of my first time. Being with the right person, especially one who is listening is SO important...

ravenmum · 27/12/2020 17:03

Be as honest about it as you are comfortable with. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but if you're afraid that it will make it less spontaneous then you could be vague, for instance, and just say you're not experienced, without being specific. But tbh I'd leave even that until the moment you're actually in bed with him.

My first time was at 23, and we didn't have full sex immediately - I said I wanted to wait until I was on the pill! - but we did other stuff until that point. It wasn't exactly planned that way, but it was quite good, as it meant there was more of a slow build-up, so it wasn't as scary.

At that time I also felt like he was the only one who'd ever been interested in me, but actually, looking back, others had been interested, but I either dismissed them as totally uninteresting, or just wasn't ready to go to bed with them. You're right to do things at your own speed. But when you feel safe enough with someone, and actually get to it, rather than just imagining it, it's fine. Ideally, it's great :)

wizzywig · 27/12/2020 22:51

Was there a reason why, when you have met for a coffee/ walk in the park, that you didn't want or try to kiss him? Or has he tried to kiss you but you haven't been comfortable with this?

Original poster
FarTooOldForTikTok · 27/12/2020 22:58

No, he hasn't made any attempt to touch me, probably because I practically sprinted away from him when I said goodbye Blush

This sounds terrible but I feel like I need a good drink in me before I attempt that Blush and I don't want other people around. (This is why I never managed to kiss anyone in a club/party/etc).

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/12/2020 08:42

Do you feel safe in his company - physically, obviously, but also in that he will treat you without judgement, as an equal, and kindly?

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