Would you steer clear of a man like this?

[GraveyDusts]

I have and now I’m sat here alone wondering if I did the right thing. I’m almost certain I did but just panicking and feeling that lost feeling after a relationship is over. We weren’t together a huge time, 3 years nearly. With covid, there’s been discussions about high risk, vulnerable etc. Anyway, in these discussions he started to have a wider conversation about children who are born with or develop defects and have to heavily rely on the state basically to live. He said he’d never want a child like that and that whilst he accepted that people DO have a quality of life in a lot of instances, in others, for example he quoted a man who had locked in syndrome but could communicate by a machine, he said that man shouldn’t have that equipment and it’s not feasible for the nhs to continue to fund these things. I was horrified by this. I have an aunt who is disabled, never worked because of it but was absolutely wonderful to me growing up and loads of fun. Whilst she could live alone she was also reliant on the state. It hit a nerve with me and I saw him in this cold, politician way. I tried to reason that he’s analysing the economics of things but he was so so cold about it that it shocked me. One conversation started on FaceTime with his dad and his dad was even colder about it! I just suddenly felt really vulnerable around him, like if something had happened to me say in a car accident, would he even support me? So I called time on it. I also feel shaken that I spent this much time with someone without really knowing this side to them. It doesn’t bode well to the future does it.

He sounds awful. Disability can happen to anyone, at any time. A civilised person and a civilised society support the most vulnerable. Imagine if you had a sick or disabled child with this man. You’re well rid.

Yes cold and hard. Nothing worse than a person without compassion for others. It's him, not you mate x

The most important thing in choosing a partner is first to be clear independently what your values are.

He sounds awful. You have very different values and you have definitely done the right thing.

Yes it seems cold but perhaps he’s like that as he’s never experienced someone close to him with a serious problem like that. Perhaps if he did it would change his mind?
Sometimes people say things that seem harsh or insensitive, but they haven’t properly thought about it.
However if other things he did suggested a lack of empathy, or if he seemed quite psychopathic, then yes, I would end it.

Yes cold and hard and I’m very sorry but I wouldn’t want to live like that either. Money wouldn’t come into it for me, I just wouldn’t want that that life for myself or my loved ones.

I think there is a difference between saying you personally wouldn’t want to be kept alive in those circumstances, and you don’t think those people have any meaningful quality of life, and what he is saying, which seems to be that they should be euthanised because he doesn’t want his taxes used to keep them alive.

The first, i think a lot of people would agree with, including many people who develop ill-health in later life (which is why we have Advanced Directives, DNACPR orders, etc, and why Dignitas is a thing).

The second is abhorrent Nazism, one short step from that to euthanasia and forced sterilisation, and I could not be in a relationship with anybody who felt like that.

I think kindness and compassion are fundamental.

Be proud of yourself that you have stuck to your beliefs. He wasn't right for you.

I wouldn’t want to live that way either so I’m with him. It’s no life being attached to machines and what not. Just different views and you shouldn’t be together

I have a disability, and so do my children. I would hate it if someone like your ex was in charge of policy making to determine who gets treatment, support etc. His views on disability reflect wider views he has on society and how it should work. You have decided to walk away, and it was the best thing to do. No man with those views can be a loving, generous partner...and that is what we all aspire to.

Whilst many people would not choose this for themselves or their loved ones, having a disability is not a choice! This isn't about whether people think having a disability is desirable, it's about whether society should look after people or simply leave them in poverty, misery or to die! Most people would agree that we need to take care of people as much as possible. He is showing you something rather unpleasant about himself. He is either too stupid to empathise and see that he or his family could experience illness or disability or he is a very cold, heartless person.

Well I wouldn't want to live with locked in syndrome or have a child with it.....but I wouldn't see myself bringing it up in conversation the way he does.

There's a lot to be said about quality of life, but to bring it down to NHS resources isn't for me to make a judgement on.

You're just not compatible....so you absolutely did the right thing in ending it.

His opinion is his and yours is yours.

You have different values OP. However he is entitled to his view, I wouldn't want to be kept alive artificially if I was very ill either.

I would have done the same, OP.

Isn't this the doctor that you have posted repeatedly about?!

Yanbu. You have to go with your gut on these things and it sounds like you have.

Also a very odd thing to say to you personally knowing that you have a disabled relative. Just why?

GraveyDusts you completely did the right thing by cutting this bloke loose.

It's a shame you spent 3 years on someone who is so incompatible to you.

No one wants to have to deal with a child with illness, mental or physical, but you cope. My older child has mental and physical illness and is hard work. However, she is my joy too, I love her.

You are right that you ex has cold views, and those are his, he is entitled to hold them, and you are right not to want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

ALWAYS go with your gut and feel reassured you made a wise judgement.

Is this the guy who was a doctor / worked in a hospital? He sounded horrific OP

You did the right thing. What if he became ill and had to rely on others? The state? It can happen to anyone at any time as it isn't guaranteed nor does it pick and choose according to someone's affordability or status, what a silly man

Is this the doctor guy?

If he's a dr that's worrying!

It sounds as though you have different values so good decision to end the relationship.

Red flags. Massive red flags. Very archaic attitude when legislation supports helping those with disabilities live meaningful lives with equal access to the community, education, work, leisure, healthcare. He doesn’t believe in caring for vulnerable. Does that include SAHP being the main carer for toddlers? What about the those with dementia? Old age? Look closely at his values. Differences are ok but the most important values match yours?