Would this be enough for you to call time?

[Gatherthemarshmallows]

If your dh / partner said no to something that you thought was reasonable? In this instance a night stopping at a friend’s house (not now, in covid times, this happened a while ago but I didn’t get angry at the time). Just flat out said no. Accused me of wanting to cheat. Said it wasn’t up for debate. Accused me of starting an argument.
I haven’t asked previously because I knew this would be his response but on that particular occasion I gathered all my brave and asked. I knew he’d be angry.

Why does he even think he has the right to give you permission? You’re not a child!

Is this a male friend or did he think you’d use the opportunity to cheat? Do you have kids?

It wouldn't even occur to me to ask permission to do something from my partner so, by definition, yes it would be more than enough.

He's a controlling twat. My DP doesn't dictate where I go or who with nor I him.
I wouldn't tolerate being told I can't stay with friends.
Is he always telling you what you can and can't do?

It isn't just that he said no that means you need to leave. It's the fact that you have to ask and get his permission and you'd previously not because your knee he wouldn't let you and when you finally did ask her said it was because you wanted to cheat.

How they conversation goes in a healthy relationship - hey I'm away Friday night seeing Judy, oh right, you doing anything nice? Just cocktails, cool, have fun.

If there's lots of all is they minded because obv if they're gone alone all weekend with 6 kids under 5 then they should have a right to a reasonable veto - can someone babysit a couple of kids, can you be home by lunch the next day as we have the dance recital, etc but certainly when we only had 1 child it wasn't ever more than "ooh do you mind if I go away next weekend with X for cocktails" "course not"

You’ve written the post as if it’s a teenager asking about a parent saying no to something ! Why are you asking if you can do something ? You are an adult you make your own choices if he disagrees then tough

Female friend. For a birthday. Group of us going and I didn’t want to drive back in the middle of the night for an hour. It just seemed easier to stop than park somewhere and worry about getting back to the car and I thought I might have a couple of drinks.

You make it sound as though you're a child and he's your father/overlord. Why are you asking permission?

Even if I’d told him rather than asking he’d have responded the same way.
I had to really psych myself up, I remember my heart was pounding.

I would find it bizarre. I would go anyway, and when he accused me of cheering it would probably lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

Even if I’d told him rather than asking he’d have responded the same way. I had to really psych myself up, I remember my heart was pounding.

This is ridiculous and not in any way normal or healthy. Tell this twat to fuck off and get rid of him. Stop allowing yourself to be controlled like this.

All of that is wrong OP, you didn’t have to ask permission in the first place He’s controlling you and you have every right to end this relationship, I assume you live together - is there somewhere you could go? Is it a joint place where you live?

Thats not an equal relationship - would you expect him to ask your permission to go out with his friends?

Yes, it would be enough for me to consider breaking up with him. I have no interest in being controlled by a partner and told what I can and cannot do.

I am not a child, and he would not be in a parental role over me, because how bloody unsexy is that?

I would also suspect this kind of crap comes along with a whole big raft of other controlling nonsense, right?

Yes, it would. Absolutely no question at all.

Nope. We have two dc and he’s been away many times. He often books it before he’s even mentioned it to me. Of course I’d not say no anyway.
He has the final say and that’s the undertone to our whole marriage, or so it feels to me.
I’ve just been thinking about that instance, and granted there’s only been a handful of instances but I think that’s because I already know what the response will be so don’t tend to push it.

But you shouldn't be asking permission in the first place - it should be a case of something like "darling, I've arranged to see the girls over the weekend, I'll be staying with Dorothy and back about 3pm -ish Sunday." - and done.

If you are together, you either need to be more assertive, don't ask permission or leave him.

So what would happen of you said "I've booked to go away next weekend" (obv ignore covid) or "I'm going to Mandy's tonight as stopping over so I can have a drink"?

Would be be a bit moody or you would be scared for your safety?

If I’d phrased it in that way I’d have got the same response - you aren’t going, it’s not happening.
The anger would have been there. I cannot imagine how freeing it must be to have a relationship where you know you will be able to don’t things and it be ok.

He’d say I wasn’t going. It wouldn’t be up for debate. He’d be angry. His face and eyes would change.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

He’d say I wasn’t going. It wouldn’t be up for debate. He’d be angry. His face and eyes would change.

Then you are in an abusive relationship. That's absolutely chilling.

He's a controlling asshole. What's your plan?

You're not in an equal relationship. He sees you as his servant and/or his possession. The way he's treating you is unforgivable IMO.

So OP, you are in a highly abusive relationship with an angry man who won't allow you to leave the house overnight.

This is Coercive Control.
This is a crime.

Get on to Women's Aid.
The police will help you is you ask to speak to someone in the police station about Coercive Control.

You do not have to accept this behaviour.

And if you said "of course I am", picked up a bag and walked out?