Would this be enough for you to call time?

[Gatherthemarshmallows]

If your dh / partner said no to something that you thought was reasonable? In this instance a night stopping at a friend’s house (not now, in covid times, this happened a while ago but I didn’t get angry at the time). Just flat out said no. Accused me of wanting to cheat. Said it wasn’t up for debate. Accused me of starting an argument.
I haven’t asked previously because I knew this would be his response but on that particular occasion I gathered all my brave and asked. I knew he’d be angry.

I couldn’t. I’d be too anxious about what it would be like when I went back and I wouldn’t leave the dc with him in that situation.

He is an abuser, you shouldn't be afraid to do what you want with your life. Please OP leave this horrible waste of space you are not his property. He is being very abusing and controlling, has he ever been violent with you ?.

No he’s never been violent.
As I said it’s not all the time - but I feel that unsettling undertone of not being free and that bothers me. I feel trapped.

He doesn't need to be violent, he just shows you his anger and you back down. You don't trust him with the children if you were to cross him.

That's not normal, or OK.

@Gatherthemarshmallows you shouldn't be feeling trapped, that's not a relationship. You say it's only sometimes but if you listen to him he will carry on and then it will only get more frequent and worse. You don't have to stay and put up with this, life is too short. You don't want your DC being bought up around an abuser.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

I couldn’t. I’d be too anxious about what it would be like when I went back and I wouldn’t leave the dc with him in that situation.

And THAT my darling is why you need to get out. Safely, with support but OUT.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

No he’s never been violent. As I said it’s not all the time - but I feel that unsettling undertone of not being free and that bothers me. I feel trapped.

Because you behave. He doesn't need actual violence when you're too scared to disobey

OP are you happy? Do you want to live like this?
How would you respond if a friend or DC was telling you this story?

Everything you have described would definitely be enough for me to end it.
Being scared of his response - enough
Him saying you cant do something- enough
Not being able to go out with friends - enough
And I'm sure there are loads of other examples you haven't told us about.
Yes leave

Your heart was pounding whilst ‘asking’ - which you shouldn’t be doing- your partner if you could sleep at your friends house?

And he told you no?

I’m sorry what?
Why are you with him?

@Gatherthemarshmallows

No he’s never been violent. As I said it’s not all the time - but I feel that unsettling undertone of not being free and that bothers me. I feel trapped.

He's exactly the kind of man who ends up violent though. Currently, he is controlling you with the threat of anger, and you're not really pushing it.

How would he react if you said "fuck that, I'll do what I want, thank you", went out all night and rolled in at lunchtime the next day. Would he be able to control his temper then? I doubt it.

I'm NOT suggesting you try it.

But, please, get your ducks in a row and leave. This is no life for you.

What's the situation with the house? Do you rent / have a mortgage? Who's name's on it? Do you have somewhere you could go, with the DC?

I agree with others, please talk to Women's Aid. They can help.

If you got someone to look after your children and told him you were doing it, what would he do if you said he wasn’t going to stop you?

Take your kids and leave. Call women's aid they will find you somewhere to go. You must know this isn't right; why would he get to be 'in charge' of you and make decisions for you? No one has that right. Your children will be harmed just by witnessing this relationship, if you need some impetus.

He’d be fuming in that instance wiggly but that would be more understandable I guess.
I feel I have to be mindful of his temper, it’s never far below the surface.

I remember when I was 19 and had jsut started going out with my now husband. I went out with an ex but we were still really good friends but nothing romantic there and I stayed at his house as I couldn't get home, my phone died and when I eventually spoke to DH he said how was your night and I said yeah great but sorry I had to stay at ex's house as I couldn't get home and he said ah great thank him for looking after you for me, and it was the first time no one had got jealous and I couldn't believe it.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

He’d be fuming in that instance wiggly but that would be more understandable I guess. I feel I have to be mindful of his temper, it’s never far below the surface.

You know what, DH would be pretty pissed too. He might even shout in the ensuing arguementm. Partly fear if o was no contact as he knows that's not typical. And things might be frosty. Then we'd talk / move on. At no point would I worry about his temper, I might feel guilty but I wouldn't feel scared.

You shouldn't be scared to step out of line.

And the fact you're questioning it suggests you know it's not ok

You know what, DH would be pretty pissed too. He might even shout in the ensuing arguementm. Partly fear if o was no contact as he knows that's not typical. And things might be frosty. Then we'd talk / move on. At no point would I worry about his temper, I might feel guilty but I wouldn't feel scared.

This, I promise you OP this is what a normal and healthy relationship would look like at its most fraught, with the most stress possible - never being scared or someone's eyes turning dark as if they are dangerous.