If you argue with DP do you stay somewhere else overnight?

[normalnotnormal]

If you have dc together? This is a couple in their mid 30s with 7 dc between them most of them under 10. Arguments sometimes end with one parent walking out and staying overnight at their mum and dad's. I don't want to say too much here as I'm paranoid about being outed but I'd like to know if this is normal behaviour in a relationship when you have dc? I have no point of reference regarding normal and this board is often a great place for info on normal v not normal.

@Parky04

Nope and if I went running to my parents they would not let me in and would tell me to grow up!!

That's awful

Imagine if you actually needed help.

As a parent I will always be there for my D.C. I can't ever imagine telling them to 'grow up' if they were in a relationship so bad that they felt they had to leave when an argument took place.

Neither of us has ever done or would ever do this. Really childish behaviour and must be awful for the DCs.

Not normal.

The only time I have seen this was where one person was a dickhead and the other, a doormat, was utterly obsessed with staying in a relationship with the dickhead for reasons nobody else could quite grasp. Doormat got in a proper state whenever dickhead flounced then pandered like a pathetic lunatic when dickhead returned. I do hope you are not being a lovesick doormat.

It's normal for some, doesn't mean it's always healthy. Some people need space away to be able to collect themselves/calm down/leave an upsetting situation/escape potential threat. Having children doesn't effect how appropriate leaving is, only what the full situation is. No arguement should get to a point where someone needs to run away from home though. Sleeping in a different room and promising to talk in the morning is much more sensible. Those who up-and-leave are using it as leverage and probably expecting their partner to welcome them back with open arms and forgive them and forget the issue just because they're glad they haven't run off for good.

So many partners think it's normal and okay to argue constantly, that just shows it's an unhealthy relationship and there are issues that need to be dealt with properly, rather than running away from them.

DH and I rarely argue but on the odd occasion we have words we are adult enough to just discuss what caused the issue and what we need from each other to make it okay, even if that means taking 5 minutes in another room to collect ourselves or to let out some emotion. It's not rocket science to argue 'well' if it's a safe and loving relationship.

No, absolutely not. The thought would not even cross my mind, children or no children.

The argument would have to be about something serious enough to end the relationship, if I felt that I had to leave my kids at home and sleep elsewhere without any notice.

They have a totally dysfunctional relationship and their messing up their poor innocent kids. It’s emotional abuse.

OP - Are you or anyone else stepping in, in order to protect the children from this mess?

That sounds very over dramatic for the average argument.

Never. Weve been together nearly 9 years. There have been times when I've walked put and drove around for a while to calm down, or I've told dp to leave and give me peace for a while, but we never stay out all night. Of dp tried that he wouldn't be coming back the next day.

No... but we don’t really argue; either. It’s not something we try not to do (any more than usual!) but it doesn’t really happen. If it does, we talk to each other. Nobody leaves... and nobody sleeps on an argument. That seems damaging and volatile for the children.

I agree that some space away is sometimes necessary and healthy. 5-10 mins in another room or going for a walk can be a good idea and helps.

DP and I thrash it out and agree to disagree if necessary, so we don’t go to sleep on an argument. Even if it means staying up half the night and feeling like shit in the morning!

Not normal at all. We have never ever done that.

No way, that's ridiculous. If DH played that trick on me, he needn't bother coming back. No interest in being in a relationship with someone so immature

Not that we really argue tbh

Of course not, but I am in a normal, healthy, respectful relationship.

I can see, that if you are in a relationship with someone who is volatile then it might be a sensible course of action. Indeed, if you are the one with anger management issues, and you recognise that, and want to remove yourself from the situation before doing something you know you will regret.

These things are rarely black and white.

No and my parents would not do it! They live up the road. They'd tell me to not be silly and go home.

I wouldn't ask them for help if I needed it though.

DH dad would find it weird but probably say ok.

I cannot in a million years imagine either of us doing that though.

No it's not normal.

We live too far from parents for this to be an option but still would never do it even without children to consider

No its not normal.We argue and its over within a few mins then we move on.

Thank you for all the replies. These arguments are over things like not clearing the bathroom or similar. They seem trivial most of the time with some more serious like choosing to work extra hours instead of spending time with their visiting dc.
Poor dc witnessing all this.

No, we don't go to bed on an argument, it's our thing.
30 years married.
Get it out in the open and move on.
Couldn't be with someone who kept it going, or worst, silent treatment.

some more serious like choosing to work extra hours instead of spending time with their visiting dc.

This is usually when you identify why they are someone else's ex.
Usually the ex had more sense than to stay with them.

DH and I have never had a single argument 🤔 no our marriage is not perfect but neither of us are very argumentative so we just kinda ignore each other 😂

But I definitely don't think it's normal to leave for the night. Growing up my parents had the occasional argument that was bad enough for my sister and I to hear and in 17 years I only remember my mum leaving the house once and going to a friends house but was back before our bedtime.
Arguments should never involve the children in any way!

Completely abnormal.
Horrible for the kids.

Ridiculous behaviour. They sound way too immature to be parenting 7 children under 10 They need to get a grip.

No absolutely not normal and not healthy either.

It's not normal.

I had a fairly crappy first marriage and we argued quite a lot. Both of us have parents who live within roughly 5 miles of us (we went to school together).

Neither of us ever left the kids and huffed off back home for the night. Because we were grown ups.

Uh no, definitely not. Though our parents are both very far away and we are LC/NC with them anyway. But no, there would be nowhere to stay anyway on a practical level. But it smacks of serious immaturity. Surely, parents should be able to hold their stuff together to make life stable and normal for their children even if they are momentarily not getting along (or they shouldn't be together). The worst that's ever happen is that once dh said something that really hurt my feelings (unusual for him) when I was particularly fragile due to issues with my family and the first lockdown, and I walked out the door and took a 2 hour walk to calm down. That's the most storming out either of us have ever done in 12+ years together.