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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bit of a personal one is this normal ?

28 replies

Knitknitknit77 · 26/12/2020 12:02

Been on Mumsnet ages but name changed as this is a bit of a weird one and slightly embarrassing to ask
Is it Normal for a partner of 10 years to ask if you fancy some fun ( sex ) it's his way of instigating it! Or he will say are you going straight to sleep or do you want a cuddle - which is also his way of asking if I want sex, then he will ask how I want it ie position ( sex ) it just doesn't feel natural to me but not sure if it is or not ?

OP posts:
hocuspocus1922 · 26/12/2020 12:03

Me and my partner of ten years are like this 😂

Original poster
Knitknitknit77 · 26/12/2020 12:04

Is it never spontaneous? With my partner is always in the same bed if I was to instigate it anywhere else he would say shall we go to bed 😳

OP posts:
pog100 · 26/12/2020 12:25

I don't think it's particularly odd. People develop their way of communicating after 10 years and this doesn't sound so bad to me.

Cuddling57 · 26/12/2020 12:28

All perfectly normal.
If you want something different tell him!

MiddlesexGirl · 26/12/2020 13:12

Can you not say 'no I'd like it on the dining table'? Or whatever!

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/12/2020 13:16

Asking if you’d like a cuddle can be spontaneous? Unless he asks at 9:30pm on the dot every third day or something. It’s not like he can just grab you and go to it. He needs your consent.

Jessie5R · 26/12/2020 13:25

There's no such thing as normal in these situations, I think that kind of language can feel.old fashioned, is that what makes you uncomfortable?

Personally I would feel comforted by it at but I would also like to be spoken to more directly at times, I also enjoy it in the kitchen/ sofa/ shower/car( I have three kids and this doesn't happen often anymore but will be coming back on the menu in time).

What age are you roughly?

Anothernick · 26/12/2020 13:30

We're early 60s. Asking for a cuddle in bed often means sex, but if it's "just a cuddle" then it's just a cuddle. Usually. We've been using this language for ever, which in our case is 30 years.

DishedUp · 26/12/2020 13:33

How would you like him to ask? Would you like to have sex not in the bedroom?

I dont think its particularly abnormal. If you instigate in the living room and want to stay there just say? If you want him to be more spontaneous tell him. Hes not a mind reader.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 26/12/2020 13:38

At least he's asking rather than assuming you're up for it.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 26/12/2020 13:50

I always receive a postcard - doesn't everyone?

DumpedByText · 26/12/2020 14:14

My now ex used to say 'are you having a shower' to let me me know he wanted sex.

Used to make me cringe, no spontaneity, he would only do it after a shower, role over and be asleep in minutes.

Angrymum22 · 26/12/2020 14:25

Its pretty normal if you have potential “passion police” living with you. DC really do mean spontaneity is a thing of the past.

elwoodblues · 26/12/2020 23:05

How do you initiate sex with him - do you ask in a similar way, just pounce on him, or leave it up to him to initiate every time?

NewspaperTaxis · 26/12/2020 23:42

I am a bloke and should not really be on this thread as I stay clear of the Relationship style topics but felt lured in by the title of the thread which I found a tad disappointing... Anyway! I think this comes under the category of inoffensive comments or ways that start to grate after a certain amount of time, no matter what they are.

My late mother told me of a friend of hers who divorced her husband because when she made him coffee in the morning, he would always respond, Ah Coffee! Now that's pretty innocuous but over time...

There's a bitchy story said to be told by Sandra Locke, Clint Eastwood's ex wife, that when he wanted sex he'd ask if she were flossing before bed. Prob not true but it does indicate how a sensible innocuous question can take the sex out of sex.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/12/2020 23:44

It's not my normal but it's not abnormal either. In my experience sex has just happened without a verbal acknowledgement first - a look leads to a kiss which leads to touching... except for the time I was having a fling with a rather posh older man who said to me, "Darling, would you like to make a little love?" 🤢 I found that a massive turn off 😬

StarlightLady · 27/12/2020 04:06

Forget what is usual or not. It’s about what you both would like. It sounds to me that he is seeking consent in a very non pushy way, which is comendable. The issue here though surely is not what is usual but what suits you. So, if you would like a different approach, because you feel it lacks passion, it’s time to raise the issue with him.

Over the years, I’ve had a fair number of frienships and the bed really is the most comfortable place for sex, but maybe instigate a little more and suggest to him, what you really want.

PineconeOfDoom · 27/12/2020 04:12

I don’t think that’s abnormal. If you want to have sex somewhere other than in bed, you probably need to instigate it and tell him what you want - he’s not a mind reader.

draughtycatflap · 27/12/2020 04:14

No need for words here when Handsy McHardRod is pawing at my nether regions with his flashing eyes.

Thismustbelove · 27/12/2020 04:15

I get it OP.

I'm actually at a loss as to how anyone is excited about the prospect of having sex when having it with the same person for more than ten years. Add to that someone asking you if you 'fancy some fun'. I have kids and understand that kids mean a lack of spontaneity.

Its admirable that people still fancy their OH's never mind feel passionate after so long.

In my case, DH kept being really annoying about sex. He seemed to think a kiss, any kiss, meant I was gagging for sex. I found it a massive turn off and we haven't had sex for so long now. I wonder if we ever will again as I don't think of him as a sex partner anymore. It would feel like i was having sex with a family member!

Unless you want to end up in my situation, and presuming you still want to have sex with you DH, then keep having sex now!!!

Tinkerbell456 · 27/12/2020 05:24

Isn’t it weird how some couples almost develop a code over time? About lots of things, not just sex. Op, I would find your hubby’s approach a bit unspontaneous, but I guess there’s not much chance of miscommunication!

lunalulu · 27/12/2020 06:03

I would find it a bit of a turnoff but if he was my DH and I loved him turn I think I'd just take it in my stride. Personally I prefer non verbal instigation but that's just me.

lunalulu · 27/12/2020 06:03

Then not turn

Groovinpeanut · 27/12/2020 06:12

@CandidaAlbicans2

It's not my normal but it's not abnormal either. In my experience sex has just happened without a verbal acknowledgement first - a look leads to a kiss which leads to touching... except for the time I was having a fling with a rather posh older man who said to me, "Darling, would you like to make a little love?" 🤢 I found that a massive turn off 😬
"Darling would you like to make a little love" I literally sprayed my screen with tea 😂😂😂😂
TheStoic · 27/12/2020 07:42

If you fancy someone, everything they say is right.

If you don’t, everything they say is wrong.

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