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Original poster

‘DH’ spoiled Xmas

38 replies

Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 02:05

He lost his temper at the kids and really shouted at them today. They were being a pain but ffs he overreacted and it’s Xmas day! Reign it in! He and I had a row about it. We were out with the dog at the time and he stormed off. Basically having a tantrum. He apologised to us all later and we got on with the day.

Later I said I was pleased DS had cheered up after being upset at being shouted at. So DH went off at me again! He’s clearly feeling guilty. And he really struggles with the idea he is ‘blamed’ for something but he spoiled my Xmas and needs to own that.

I’m lying here awake, fuming. I want a proper apology. I want him to understand how much he has upset me. How do I approach tomorrow without another row happening?

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 26/12/2020 02:10

Put pen to paper. Get it off your chest now. In the morning, reread what you wrote and decide if you want to give it to your husband, rewrite it, or drop it.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 02:15

Thanks. I have put it in ‘Notes’ on my phone.

If I don’t mention anything we will have a perfectly fine day. But that’s me putting my feelings to one side. I feel I owe it to myself to tell him how angry I am. He probably knows this I suppose. Just feels disingenuous to pretend nothing happened but then how long does one keep it going before moving on?

OP posts:
Blueskysunsout · 26/12/2020 02:30

Why did it get to the point of him losing his temper? Maybe if you had shown him support or offered to step in if he was getting to that point and avoided the whole situation.
This is coming from the opposite scenario. I had an unsupportive ex who would sit back and let me discipline the kids but then would fight with me when I ended up snapping.
We all want a perfect day, perfect Christmas scenarios in our minds maybe having to be on at the kids wasnt on his wish list, if he has apologised and is embarrassed is let it go. Don’t ruin Boxing Day.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 26/12/2020 02:45

The way to stop a row happening is to decide you're not having one.
But you seem to be planning how to win the argument and get what you want rather than dealing with this constructively.
Walking away as your DH did is often a good way to avoid confrontation escalating. It isn't always a tantrum. There was nothing to be gained from you bringing it back up again later. That didn't help you, the DC or your DH. You need to look at your own motivation.

SD1978 · 26/12/2020 02:47

He apologised, you'd all moved on (you said your son was fine) and you brought it back up again- to be honest that would have pushed me off too. It was dealt with and then trudged up again, when no one was bothered at that point except you. By all means bring it up a third time tomorrow- but I'd imagine the reaction will be the same. It's almost like wanting a penance with the apology. He shouldn't have shouted, but Christmas can be a bit stressful with very over excited kids who don't want to to listen. If he meant the apology, then that should have been it for me. If you didn't accept the apology then at the time was when to keep it going, not well after for me.

Original poster
Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 02:48

Thanks for replies. I need to think about this. When I am angry at someone I find it hard to move past it.

OP posts:
TheCrowsHaveEyes · 26/12/2020 03:01

There are times when it's important not to move past issues but it doesn't sound like this is one of them because there was an apology and everyone else had moved on. Also as a PP said, you continue the conversation at the time until it's resolved assuming your expected resolution is realistic and fair

Catsup · 26/12/2020 03:16

Honestly I think for me it would mostly boil down to if it was a one off or a regular occurrence? Christmas day can be pretty stressful and especially with little ones so I would give some leeway for that. However, my ex used to strop and huff and puff about anything and everything that didn't run 'his way', so he'd throw a tantrum over anything from ordering a takeaway to watching a film (fuck everyone else's opinion on it 🙄). It was honestly exhausting and pissed me off no end that he'd then be nice as ninepence once he got his way.... Hence being an ex really 😅.

digthroughtheditches · 26/12/2020 03:21

Do you want a rerun of today, tomorrow?
You all got an apology. I'd leave it at that and start 'fresh' tomorrow.
Christmas can be stressful & I think we all want the 'perfect' day but in reality it rarely is. Boxing Day is far less stressful IMO.
I doubt you'll kids will remember in years to come unless it's dragged out.

Seafog · 26/12/2020 03:29

If he has already apologized, what else are you wanting?

Topseyt · 26/12/2020 04:24

Unless there is further backstory, I am not sure what you had hoped to gain by bringing the whole thing up again after he had already apologised and everyone else had moved on.

No need at all to bring it up a third time tomorrow.

Josette77 · 26/12/2020 04:53

He didn't ruin your Christmas. If you hung on to this, you wrecked your own Christmas.

SparklingLime · 26/12/2020 05:15

Maybe if you had shown him support or offered to step in if he was getting to that point and avoided the whole situation.

Haha! Yes, of course it is the DW’s job to predict and prevent her DH’s aggression and tempter tantrums. Dear god!

Livebythecoast · 26/12/2020 05:26

I agree with others. You're in danger of another row today if you bring it up again. He apologised and you say he clearly felt guilty so that really should be it unless there is a back story and this a regular occurrence.
You can't change what happened yesterday but you can move on from it and hopefully enjoy your day today. I imagine there were a few arguments yesterday, kids overexcited etc, just like any other day - that's reality. I really would drop it today - if it turns into another argument, you'll be guilty of ruining today by going over it a third time.

TiersOnMyPillow · 26/12/2020 05:30

Take the kids out on your own today, tell him they want a day out to remember without being shouted at.

sammylady37 · 26/12/2020 05:45

@TiersOnMyPillow

Take the kids out on your own today, tell him they want a day out to remember without being shouted at.
What a ridiculous passive-aggressive suggestion. Utterly idiotic and not in the least constructive.
LunaLula83 · 26/12/2020 05:59

So stop bringing it up. He already said sorry.

Googlebrained · 26/12/2020 06:14

I think this all depends. Does he regularly lose his temper with you or the kids and then storm off if he's pulled up on it? Was his apology sincere or just lip service, not really acknowledging he shouldn't have overreacted? Does he regularly ruin important days for you and the kids?

I agree with a PP if someone storms off then you can't resolve it like adults. It didn't sound like he went off to cool down, it sounds like he stormed off because he didn't want to talk it through. It is wearing and it spoils things. It's easy to apologise if you don't really admit that you've been out of order. It doesn't really mean anything to the person who's been apologised to and it makes you feel like they'd behave exactly the same in future. It's more like a get out of jail free card to behave badly, than a genuine attempt to acknowledge how you feel.

However, if it's a one off then it's much easier to let in go and put it down to one off stress.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/12/2020 06:20

Let it go

Mdmd · 26/12/2020 06:28

So you dredged it up after it was done? I’d be pissed off with you too.

Meredithgrey1 · 26/12/2020 06:32

@SparklingLime

Maybe if you had shown him support or offered to step in if he was getting to that point and avoided the whole situation.

Haha! Yes, of course it is the DW’s job to predict and prevent her DH’s aggression and tempter tantrums. Dear god!

Ffs the PP who wrote that quote explained what she meant, and it wasn’t that it’s a wife’s job to manage her DH’s temper. It was suggesting the possibility (based on PP’s experience) that sometimes people can leave discipline to the other parent and then get annoyed when that parent snaps.
Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 06:33

The thing is OP - he did own it. He came back and apologised. You all moved in and got in with the day.

And then you raised it again and what.... expected another apology?

And now you’re festering about it.

If you’re not careful, you will spoil Boxing Day for the kids with low level horrible
Simmering tension.

Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 06:36

@TiersOnMyPillow

Take the kids out on your own today, tell him they want a day out to remember without being shouted at.
WTAF

Ignore OP. Just ignore

Billben · 26/12/2020 06:36

@TiersOnMyPillow

Take the kids out on your own today, tell him they want a day out to remember without being shouted at.
Don’t do this OP🙄
garlictwist · 26/12/2020 06:38

I agree - he had already apologised so why did you bring it up again? I can see why he got cross with you. Don't bring it up for a third time tomorrow (today) ffs. Just leave it.