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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘DH’ spoiled Xmas

38 replies

Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 02:05

He lost his temper at the kids and really shouted at them today. They were being a pain but ffs he overreacted and it’s Xmas day! Reign it in! He and I had a row about it. We were out with the dog at the time and he stormed off. Basically having a tantrum. He apologised to us all later and we got on with the day.

Later I said I was pleased DS had cheered up after being upset at being shouted at. So DH went off at me again! He’s clearly feeling guilty. And he really struggles with the idea he is ‘blamed’ for something but he spoiled my Xmas and needs to own that.

I’m lying here awake, fuming. I want a proper apology. I want him to understand how much he has upset me. How do I approach tomorrow without another row happening?

OP posts:

Odile13 · 26/12/2020 06:39

If his apology was heartfelt then I don’t think you should bring it up again. I don’t think it’s right to make people apologise multiple times for one thing. You forgive and you move on.

Camenon · 26/12/2020 06:50

Move on OP, don't spoil your kids boxing day. Be a bigger person.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/12/2020 06:54

Mmm. My twopennyworth (well you have put it on an internet forum)
How often does he shout/lose his temper/storm off in front of the kids?
I'm not gonna say ltb cos all you've given is this example but I grew up with a Dad like this.
I loved him, he loved me but most of my childhood, especially special times like holidays Christmas and birthdays were spent on a knife edge waiting to see if he was going to lose it. The rest of the time anxiously trying to smooth things over.

Wanderlusto · 26/12/2020 07:08

Why after shouting at the kids and apologising would he then think it was acceptable to have a go at you? Sounds like he has issues.

Does he have form for ruining holidays?

greenspacesoverthere · 26/12/2020 07:12

He apologised

Let it go

PearlescentIridescent · 26/12/2020 07:24

Obviously what I'm about to say is contingent as others on what he is usually like but actually regardless..

Saying in front of your DP that comment about feeling better after being shouted at is IMO very manipulative. You are bringing emotions and confusion to the child who is happily getting on with their day and you're upsetting your partner on Christmas because you feel slighted. It's not healthy for your children or for your relationship.

MistleTOEboughski · 26/12/2020 07:25

I think this all depends. Does he regularly lose his temper with you or the kids and then storm off if he's pulled up on it? Was his apology sincere or just lip service, not really acknowledging he shouldn't have overreacted? Does he regularly ruin important days for you and the kids?

I agree with this. I think we can all have the occasional time when we mess up and lose our temper at the kids. You might say people should try not to do that in Christmas day but it is 2020 and it's been a stressful year for everyone as a one off I would overlook it. I also agreed with pps who said you should not have brought it up again later after he apologised. As the pp said though it's a general pattern that is most important. How often does he act this way? Do you have to watch out for his temper? Does he often ruin special occasions? In that case it is a more serious matter.

Wife2b · 26/12/2020 07:29

No point dwelling on it, There’s a lot of focus on Christmas being the perfect day but family life isn’t perfect and emotions can run high at this time of year, overexcited kids, stressed adults etc. Your OH isn’t devoid of responsibility but you were wrong to bring it up again. Can you not just draw a line under it and enjoy the rest of Christmas? Some things just aren’t worth fighting about.

Sunshinehousexo · 26/12/2020 07:50

Just drop it. My DH was on the verge of losing it with my 3 year old a few times yesterday. We’d all been up early, it was overwhelming with all the presents and the house was a disaster. I had to remind him a couple of times to pick his battles. Once the kids were in bed I mentioned him verging on the edge a few times and we ended up having a real laugh about it.

Your Dh apologised. Then you brought it up. He was probably feeling shit about it. I wouldn’t bring it up again unless you were to say something like, if they’re driving you nuts again today, just go upstairs for a bit before you get to the point of having a go at them.

Original poster

Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 08:28

Ok thanks all. Having slept on it I have decided to move on.

In answer to some questions, no, he doesn’t ruin occasions regularly. He doesn’t lose his temper much at all really.

Thanks all. Helpful to get other’s perspectives.

OP posts:

Googlebrained · 26/12/2020 08:43

That's good news OP. It sounds like PP were right about not making a deal about it. Have a lovely day.

Calmondeck · 26/12/2020 09:23

It seems you used the comment about your son to punish your husband for how YOU felt, not your children or husband. Unless shouting is a regular aspect of your husbands behaviour, it seems reasonable of him to acknowledge his bad behaviour and apologise for it. That’s not a bad model for your kids. I know my own father could never apologise for bad behaviour and tension lingered uncomfortably for all of us.

Blueskysunsout · 26/12/2020 14:24

No it’s called supportive parenting. Not sitting back and watching the other and saying nothing. I had this done to me which was the pint of my post.

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