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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a common thing women do?

50 replies

startswithanL · 25/12/2020 23:56

I feel and have felt for a little while that my marriage may be ending for various reasons...me and my husband have two girls 2&5

I fear the one thing that is stopping me from calling it a day or at least having a separation is that I couldn't stand being away from my kids. Husband can also be quite controlling so I know he would be quite hard to co parent with. For example if we row and I say I want to take the girls to see my parents he won't usually allow it unless I ask and when I do he says no.

Do women stay with their husbands to prevent the 50/50 custody battle? Are there women out there who stay with a husband who they know they aren't happy or compatible with to save this?

I know staying in an unhappy marriage ultimately isn't good for the kids but if you both get on okay but no real relationship would that damage the kids long term?

Sad I am writing this on Xmas day...

OP posts:
sundaysupperclub · 26/12/2020 00:38

Yes I think a lot of mothers and fathers stay together because they don't want to be separated from their children and or they want their children to grow up in a household with both parents.

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2020 00:41

I'm certain they do.

The possible good news is that things might get better. Would you consider some marriage counselling? But if not, sometimes just keeping going brings things to a new phase.

SpaceOp · 26/12/2020 00:58

Yes, I think lots of people do.

However, he is clearly very controlling and it's clear that while you can see this, you aren't able to change those patterns at all (eg acquiescing when he says you can't take the DC somewhere), so there's a good chance that if you're unhappy and in an abusive marriage that it is therefore significantly better for your children to be in separate homes than in just this one.

Co parenting probably would be hard. But on plus side, when you have the children you could choose to do whatever you want?

grassisjeweled · 26/12/2020 01:01

Do women stay with their husbands to prevent the 50/50 custody battle?
^

Yup. I couldn't bear to only see the kids half the time.

SlothWithACloth · 26/12/2020 01:01

I think many people do.
What do you think your dh would do if you just took your dcs to your parents without his permission? Are you scared of him?

Givemeabreak88 · 26/12/2020 01:03

I think people do, don’t understand it myself personally as a lone parent (ex not around) I will kill for some time to myself! 50/50 sounds ideal to me.

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:16

Thanks for your replies I appreciate it massively
@SlothWithACloth ummm I'm not scared of him physically no but previously I had tried to take the kids to my parents as it had been planned but after a row he said I couldn't. When I proceeded to get them ready he basically said he would turn up at my parents and it would be very awkward And not good. My main issue is my older child was there witnessing this tug of war and got upset so I gave up. I think if I said I was taking them still he would follow us there etc.

We have had an argument this evening and we have plans to see my parents tomorrow for Boxing Day present giving I said I'm still going to take them and before he went to bed he said 'your not taking my kids anywhere'

I think I am in an abusive relationship but only just realising tbh...

OP posts:
SlothWithACloth · 26/12/2020 01:24

That’s awful that you’re not allowed to visit your family. What the hell are his reasons?
He’s definitely abusive.
Depending on how controlling he is, if you do decide to stay with him, it may be worth finding ways to start having more control over your own life.
Like for example, let your family know that he is controlling so if it does ever happen that he turns up to your parents, you’ll all be prepared for it. Plus, they can help you when the time is right for you to leave him.

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:26

He will only say I can't take the kids if we have rowed. And he would let me go just not the kids even if it's pre planned. So for example tomorrow he is invited but I know if I was to say look clearly we aren't getting along can I take the kids he is likely to say no...

OP posts:
stuffedforchristmas · 26/12/2020 01:28

It does sound abusive.

I share your concerns about what happens when your children are on their own with him post split. In real life I think this is a very big issue. On MN it's an unpopular concern to raise, perhaps because the alternative may be to just put up with it-which isn't an acceptable outcome either.

SlothWithACloth · 26/12/2020 01:31

Does he instigate arguments so he can control you like this?

stuffedforchristmas · 26/12/2020 01:31

I think you need to change your tactics. Stop giving him veto powers. If he behaves badly at your parents, let him. Don't take last minute changes of plan.

But stay safe. It sounds like maybe you feel physically safe because he gets to be in charge.

Oreservoir · 26/12/2020 01:32

You need to tell your dp's what is happening and if necessary ring the police.
He can't prevent you from taking your dc out of the house as a form of control.
Tbh he sounds pathetic if he can't handle a row without making threats.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 26/12/2020 01:34

OP l am really sorry to hear you are going through this. Bit good that the penny has dropped about being abusive. Def what pp have said and prep your family and take that control he has over you away. To treat you like this, he has no respect for you and that is no good for any of you, especially the kids. What is your financial situation? Are you reliant on him for money etc?

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:37

@SlothWithACloth not particularly he's more of a sulker or he withdraws affection or he will be very quiet and moody until I say something which then starts a row which he always says 'I start'

I am the apologiser in all situations but generally to keep the peace and keep it ticking along until next time. I'm no shrinking violet but I am starting to see a shift in the dynamic. Just in limbo atm as to whether he's abusive or we aren't right together.

I have said in the past how does he feel about a separation but generally he says that's not how he thinks a marriage should be saved and I'm taking the easy way out. He also said if we separate he would not leave his kids so we should alternate a night at the home a night away which I don't see as practical...as my parents live nearby his expectation is I would go there but the kids stay at the home which I don't disagree with. I don't think he would leave. He has zero family to turn to either.

OP posts:
HappyDays10101 · 26/12/2020 01:37

@Givemeabreak88 I do 50/50, and frankly it’s great! The best of both worlds.

My ex was controlling, but he is a good father, so co parenting is OK. So, no OP, not everyone avoids splitting up because of this.

LindaEllen · 26/12/2020 01:38

My parents stayed together until my youngest brother left for uni for that reason. We were all oblivious to this and thought they were happy.

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:42

Financially I rely on him to an extent. I am childcare he is work. I have a weekend job for the nhs he pays most bills and rent I pay for anything to do with the kids food shopping etc.

I don't know how it would work financially I don't have savings currently only the kids have bits saved.

If we alternated the kids I wouldn't be able to keep my weekend job etc...

I just don't know...

OP posts:
HappyDays10101 · 26/12/2020 01:43

@startswithanL your last post is all about what he wants and what he would do in a divorce - but he isn’t the boss of you!

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:43

@HappyDays10101 I think my husband is a great dad as well just don't think the love and respect is there for me sadly...

OP posts:
Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:46

I'm already thinking I want to take the kids for a walk tomorrow morning and do I invite him along to avoid the aggro...I'm such a shell

OP posts:
SheRaTheAllPowerful · 26/12/2020 01:46

Leave you are miserable tip toeing around him!
What do you need for tomorrow at your parents? If he’s asleep now, I’d have everything ready to go, not ask permission (wtf??) and go to your parents, they will have an inkling he’s like this, tell them the truth and get some real life support. He sounds like a bully. You deserve better x

Original poster
startswithanL · 26/12/2020 01:47

@LindaEllen this is food for thought I would have to emotionally detach myself from him I guess for it to work as a partnership for the next 15 years

OP posts:
anameIcallmyself · 26/12/2020 02:10

Go to your parents. Let him make a scene. Men like that rely on you not wanting people to know your situation because you feel ashamed of being a failure. Don't be. This is on him not you. LTB. I've been where you are. There'll be adjustments to make being a single parent and it can be really hard at times but it will be so much worth it. You've been conditioned to think so little of yourself. I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy and so much more.

Everyonetakeiteasy · 26/12/2020 02:13

@Oreservoir

You need to tell your dp's what is happening and if necessary ring the police. He can't prevent you from taking your dc out of the house as a form of control. Tbh he sounds pathetic if he can't handle a row without making threats.
Precisely this. If he says anything say okay I'll call mum and dad and the police if you stop me. And DO IT. If you need permission from him, you are in an ABUSIVE MARRIAGE. Make a fuss, make noise, genuinely call the police. One of my mum's friend once opened the door and started calling the neighbours when her husband was trying to physically stop her doing things.

I lived in a situation that had a part like this where dad liked to exert his control to make himself feel good. I begged my mum to leave him so mamy times. I would have rather been poor(er) and have a free mum.

Your kids are YOUNG. They will recover. And what would they think when they're adults thinking you sacrificed your ENTIRE adult life more or less to save face and for whom... a controlling two faced father?

The cracks will show sooner or later. You will not be able to keep this up and be a shell forever...as you described yourself.

Happy Christmas. YOU CAN DO THIS X

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