Is this a common thing women do?

[startswithanL]

I feel and have felt for a little while that my marriage may be ending for various reasons...me and my husband have two girls 2&5

I fear the one thing that is stopping me from calling it a day or at least having a separation is that I couldn't stand being away from my kids. Husband can also be quite controlling so I know he would be quite hard to co parent with. For example if we row and I say I want to take the girls to see my parents he won't usually allow it unless I ask and when I do he says no.

Do women stay with their husbands to prevent the 50/50 custody battle? Are there women out there who stay with a husband who they know they aren't happy or compatible with to save this?

I know staying in an unhappy marriage ultimately isn't good for the kids but if you both get on okay but no real relationship would that damage the kids long term?

Sad I am writing this on Xmas day...

Quite often those in abusive relationships start the argument because they know it’s coming anyway and want it over with I or out if the way.

And he knows it.

He is NOT a 'great Dad"

He's abusive and manipulating the children's Mother (you) so that's not a great Dad.

He's isolating you.

He knows you won't go without the kids.

You need to leave. Life wont' get better or be better with him...it will be worse.

What you need to do is collect evidence of his controlling and coercive behaviour so you can use it in court when it comes to sorting out contact.

Start texting him...so he writes back...say things like "I want to take the kids to my parents to visit" so that he puts it down in writing...

This only works because you back down. Make a scene, let everyone (your parents and the kids) know who he is, his manipulation works for him because you help him hide it. I suspect he wants to be seen by all as the good guy, stop facilitating that for him.

And the whole 50 50 thing...he has no guarantee that a court would award him 50 50. You are the primary caregiver. See a solicitor and know your rights, at least just so you can challenge his view of things.

Think ahead 10-15 years from now, when he is preventing your DC from going to see their friends or study for exams for his own arbitrary, bullshit reasons.

If you leave him now, the DC get a chance to live in peace, at least some of the time. They will see their dad's behaviour isn't normal. Or, alternatively, he will be "disney dad" and they will have a good time with him and grow up with happy memories of him, and see you living your best life, too.

It doesn't have to be this way - walking on eggshells, worrying all the time. There are better alternatives.

I am in the same boat as you with DCs of similar age, but my DH is not as obviously abusive.
Do you work part-time or been a SAHM?
I think that, if you were to go to court, if you've been the primary parent, they would be likely to honour this.
My DH is very prominent in our DCs lives, but realises that 50/50 custody would not make sense, as he can not do any school drops or pick-ups and I can do them all as I work school hours.
We have agreed to no overnight stays with him during the week and one overnight stay every weekend.
As they won't be away from me for long periods of time, I have worked out that I can cope with this. Despite still breastfeeding out toddler.
The other thing to point out is that, whilst men may think and say now that they want 50/50 custody etc, it rarely becomes the case when they're the ones who have to take sole responsibility when DCs are in their care. It's sad, but often true.
They often become more and more disinterested as they begin dating again. I expect that even with my very hands on DH, he will do the same when he meets someone new.
As you're dealing with someone who is obviously very controlling, you may need to go to court, but you will likely discover that custody works in your favour.
Xx

My xh was not a good husband, and was definitely a part time parent, doing only the fun bits. He was also a sulker, arguments were always my fault and he was controlling.

I left when the dc were 4 & 5. I asked him to leave, I own the house, but he wouldn't so I did. We have the dc 50/50. Life is 100% improved, over 3 years down the line and we co parent well. He does things I don't always agree with but nothing major, we get on well enough for me to have moved back in over the first lockdown and I'm here now for Christmas. We love very close, it's rare I don't see the dc at all when it's his time, and we're both flexible if the other wants to do something.

The dynamic has changed, because we're not together and I have no feelings for him I am more confident and don't let myself be pushed around, by him or anyone else.

For me, it was more important for the dc not to be in toxic atmosphere

They are not his kids, they are both your kids, and as such he has no right to stop you taking them anywhere. Unless you are endangering them.
He is abusing you emotionally.
Please tell a family member or friend what is happening 💐

He's controlling you and he's not putting the kids first. That doesn't make him a good dad. What good dad would want to stop their kids enjoying time with their family over Christmas to prove some daft point? You need to start putting your foot down and if he physically stops you - call the police and your parents. If you're not scared of him physically, why wouldn't you just get the kids ready and go? It sounds like you are scared of him to some extent.

I agree that one night on, one night off won't work and I don't think a court would advise it either. If you're going to leave him, I'd prepare to go all the way to court to organise custody and fight for 70/30.

You likely will need to leave the house but the court can order it to be sold (if you own). You'll be able to claim UC while you get yourself on your feet.

I'm separated and do 70/30. The first few times I was away from the kids was really tough for sure, and I'm still not keen on 2 nights in row but the kids have been totally fine with it. A few months down the line and I enjoy my free team very much - solo parenting 70% of the time is intense and that 30% to myself makes me a better parent.

Thanks for all your comments - I slept in with my daughter last night but don't want her to think anything is wrong. Husband is still asleep at the moment and usually I'd take him a drink (he does the same for me) but obviously I'm not.

I will be going to my parents today at the agreed time, he is also invited along as parents think very highly of him and he is good to them.

I won't tell him he can't come but just get myself and girls together and not mention much to him hopefully he will come to his own conclusion that I am not happy and won't come but I know he will wake up not speak to me and expect to come and have a jolly with my dad as if nothing has happened.

Sad thing is I don't actually think he knows or understands his controlling behaviour he puts everything he does down to me starting an argument he often says there is clearly something wrong with me mentally. It's been a long time since he actually apologised for anything, I have asked previously why he does t apologise and his answer was he doesn't see him doing much wrong so therefore doesn't apologise.

He is definitely a put it all under the rug and carry on as you are. We also come from two different cultures in handling marriage etc. He believes you stick together for the kids and many of his female family members have been cheated on by partners and got on with it and stayed. He doesn't always seem to think this is wrong which always makes me a bit

I have suggested counselling in the past and said I am happy to pay half although recently he has come round to the possibility he doesn't think it'll solve anything so it's sort of stopped there. I have researched costs involved etc he has not...

I just feel very stuck I know that if I tell someone in RL that's it then, my parents are very supportive but will be very hurt and shocked and also I don't want to put anything on them by telling them what's going on. They aren't old but like everyone have their own sh** going on.

I also feel sorry for my husband atm which doesn't take away from the abuse but just because his family is pretty crap and unsupportive I'm still in the mind set of thinking of him with no one concerns me. I do love him but know it doesn't work and isn't right currently. If he agreed to some counselling some time separated but still committed it maybe something we could work on but I know that won't happen...(I would also be open to counselling)

I just feel very sad and sorry for my children today playing with their Xmas toys blissfully unaware that their mother has cried herself to sleep.

My oldest daughter asked me this morning why me and her dad were arguing last night and she doesn't like it which makes me feel sick

I appreciate every one of the replies so thank you x

If I was to say I would like to separate he would say it's my choice but it would then become very difficult I imagine. He would say it's my choice etc etc and that would be used an the excuse.

I know he wouldn't see it as a string of abusive past abusive behaviour coming to a head but one argument on Xmas evening and how stupid am I to end the marriage...

I have instigated a separation before and he becomes very closed off and says he won't give up the kids or leave that's all he says...

How can I live like that? So it falls back into us carrying on as we were until a week later and something else happens and I'm back here again...

Do women stay with their husbands to prevent the 50/50 custody battle? Are there women out there who stay with a husband who they know they aren't happy or compatible with to save this?

I did. My ex was useless and would have just palmed our children off on his parents every weekend. Parents who were very overbearing and had very old fashioned ideas about child raising and what the roles of girls and boys should be. There was no way I was handing my baby and toddler over to such people.

I have instigated a separation before and he becomes very closed off and says he won't give up the kids or leave that's all he says...

But you can leave your house and take the kids if you want to. And then you can tell he can have the kids one weeknight and every other weekend - go to court if he wants more. As a previous poster says it's quite possible he will end up not wanting them as much as he tells you now. He likely says that he will want them because he knows this will make you stick around. You do not have to remain trapped. Check out where you would stand with benefits, it might not be as bad as you think. Know your rights, state them to him.

In the meantime, work out techniques to deal with his behaviour - counselling would help you do this and to decide whether you should stay for the kids sake or go.

Good for you for taking the kids today, they should have their proper Christmas with their wider family.

He says you are mentally ill? He is also gaslighting you.

Can you speak to woman's aid?

Also speak to your Mum today. She might be able to help you extract yourself. Abuse thrives in secret.

It's not you, it's him.
How dare he shut you down like this.

Having an argument isn't as much of an issue as his behaviour afterwards, sulking, stonewalling and punishing. This is what is damaging...also I suspect the arguments are due to his unwillingness to compromise??

Separating when the children are young is actually much easier than when they are older. They will also see healthy parenting and how normal relationships are formed, upsets happen, people apologise and everyone moves on, trying to not hurt others feelings. Today they witness a power struggle with their Dad being the dominate partner.

Ultimately it won't be up to him to decide what happens post separation. 50/50 isn't a given and it depends on your specific circumstances.

Please tell your parents, it makes it real which is scary but it is also a massive relief.

Absolutely go to your parents, calmly tell him it's happening as planned and let him make a fuss. Definitely call the police if he refuses to let you and the children leave. You are entitled to leave the house WITH the children to see your parents. If you back down it reinforces his belief he has the power and authority over you.

I doubt counselling will help and it's not recommended for abusive relationships as he will use counselling to reinforce why you are the issue. You would need a specialist DV counsellor and given he has already told you that he can't see how he is at fault, he is unlikely to change his opinion.

I finally learned, that an abusive person has irrational thinking and beliefs...nothing can change these as they seem to be hardwired in the same way a personality is.

A bit “what about” I know, but a lot of men definitely do.

The ones I know were acutely aware that their chance of even 50:50 was slim, so by splitting up there were accepting the “weekend dad” status. It’s horrible knowing you have to split but also knowing you will see a lot less of your kids, even in the best case scenario.

I made this decision on NYE last year having been in a similar position. Not really aware that I was in an abusive relationship because it wasn’t like I was being punched. He did scare me with his anger through and then last year on NYE he finally did get violent. Our kids are 8 and 6 and we had to spend lockdown together so in reality have only been living separately since September. We didn’t sit the kids down and tell them, just moved to a new town and in separate houses and they seemed to have just accepted it.

DH is very controlling and still very angry. With him he doesn’t want to see the kids more than twice a week - doesn’t want to have them that is, he’s happy to join in with some things I am doing. Which is really bloody weird. We had a massive argument yesterday because he got angry about having them at midday on Sunday instead of his usual 5pm on Saturday. His anger is exhausting but every time he acts up it makes me so happy I am no longer with him/ although we are tied together due to the children I am no longer living under the same roof and have freedom.

I think the time has come for you to be honest with your dps.. He isn't the great bloke they think he is...

He uses the kids as a way of controlling you, because he knows how you feel about being separated from your dcs. If you changed your tune to ‘great! I’d love a break from the dcs for half the week. I can go out and have a social life’ He probably wouldn’t make half an effort to have the dcs.

[quote startswithanL]@HappyDays10101 I think my husband is a great dad as well just don't think the love and respect is there for me sadly...[/quote]
He's not a great dad if he's controlling you and using them as pawns in arguments between you. Your kids will be suffering in this toxic environment that he is creating.

If you split you would be the main carer as you don't work during the week. I would advise you to pack and leave and go to your parents then arrange mediation to discuss contact. They can't stay at the house without you if he's at work and he can't put them in childcare without your agreement.
Your parents could look after them while you're working until you arrange a contact plan. I would suggest him having them EOW and an afternoon in the week if it fits with his work would be realistic.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Quite often those in abusive relationships start the argument because they know it’s coming anyway and want it over with I or out if the way.

And he knows it.

Absolutely. Passive aggressive provocation is abusive behaviour and the abused party will often start the argument to get it over with and stop the eggshells and atmosphere

I think you know you need a long term exit plan. Do not rush, simply work towards being self sufficient enough to leave without too many sacrifices starting with looking for weekday work compatible with childcare. Once you have work you can save for your exit

I can’t understand why you won’t tell your parents. Why are you facilitating his facade - they think he’s great because he puts on a show and Nobody is contradicting this.
Wouldn’t you want your child to be honest with you regardless of what’s going on in your life.?
You seem to have a close relationship with your parents, so be open with them.
As for his threat to turn up and make a show of you in front of your family, you know he wouldn’t do this as he’d be showing himself up. Why don’t you want him to out himself? Why all the secrecy and shame? You’re enabling his bad behaviour by keeping quiet.
Go to your parents with your kids and enjoy the day. Be open with your parents and tell them who you’re really married to.
They may like him and be shocked but ultimately you’re their daughter and their only priority in that relationship x

This is coercive control and gaslighting - google both of those terms and you will see his behaviour there in black and white.

Unfortunately many women do stay in bad relationships precisely because the control extends to the children. He is controlling you - making you stay in a relationship no-one in their right minds would want - because you believe you would lose your children 50% of the time.

Now this may not be factual - depending on your DC's age, it might be in their best interests to stay with the main caregiver 80% of the time. It may be that DH doesn't actually give a flying fuck about the kids and won't push for 50/50 when the time comes. There's a lot of factors but the main thing is he doesn't get to decide. That's down to a court.

I think you should seek counselling for yourself, not marriage counselling, but individual counselling. Also start to keep a diary of his behaviour. And for god's sake talk to your parents. Why would you cover up his behaviour? Wouldn't you want to know if this was your DD?

OP, it just gets worse and worse. The reality is that he can say the kids stay and the two of you alternate the house but he doesn't get to make this decision. I would definitely tell your parents. I think it's interesting that they love him and he treats them well - it points to him making a real effort to isolate you.

Also, the whole, "he's got no family, I feel sorry for him" is a classic. So abusive behaviour is excused by the man being a victim himself. This is bollocks and you must try to separate negative things that may have happened to him from his shitty and abusive behaviour.

The blaming you for all arguments. The casual insistence that he doesn't apologise because he never does anything wrong. The sulking. These are all abusive behaviours.

Tell your parents. I'm sorry to say that while it's possible they will have had some suspicions, it's also possible he's done such a good job that they will not believe you. I hope that is not the case. But keep it simple. Go to their house with the kids. Tell them he might turn up and behave badly. Explain that he didn't want the kids coming with you to their house.

I'd also speak with a solicitor before doing anything else. You need to get your "ducks in a row" but in this case, I'd be doing that with a solicitor.

Tell your parents. You say you don't want to put anything on your parents by telling them what's going on. As a parent of an adult daughter I would be sad if my daughter couldn't confide in me if, god forbid, she should find herself in a situation as bad as yours.