OP, I really understand how you feel I think. I am not in an identical situation to you, as I am slightly older (41), and a single parent to a teen following divorce from an abusive ex-husband. So not quite the same as being single without children - which is in some ways better and some ways worse, when you long to be happily married (in a realistic way not a Disney way 😂) with several children like I did/do, and you clearly feel the same way. Especially when your younger sisters keep popping out babies argh! I feel your pain!
Your post really resonated with me, I have a lot of the same feelings. I honestly think society has changed at breakneck speed in recent decades, which can make it more confusing and difficult to navigate when things don’t work out in an ideal way.
And that other people who are not personally in this situation of still being a single woman at this sort of age, when really what you wanted out of life was to be a wife and a mother, can find it very hard to put themselves completely in your shoes, or even if they can really, they may not be able to admit to themselves or to you that it’s all a bit pants really.
I find it so frustrating when people complain about their partners or children or pregnancies over minor issues, or joke that they wish they didn’t have a husband/children either or that you can have theirs etc. when you tell them how you feel. Or tell you that you’re so lucky as you have so much freedom and can do whatever you want etc, totally failing to understand (even though you’ve told them), that you can’t actually do whatever you want because what you want is to be in their situation... And all the time you feel that you are somehow deficient for wanting such unfeminist backward things as being a wife and mother, and what is wrong with you that you can’t be deliriously happy being single like everyone tells you that you should.
Social changes definitely feed into this as I suspect if you talked to someone about how you were feeling in the 1970s they would totally get it, as back then I think at 38ish you would truly be viewed by others as “on the shelf” and “past it” and people would be thinking of course you aren’t going to get married or have children now, you’ve missed the boat etc. and would sympathise with you in a way that people don’t now. The changing progressive social norms are great in many ways (like I am glad you and me are not viewed by most people in this way any more), and have opened up more opportunities, but they have also thrown everything up in the air to the point where you don’t know and society doesn’t know when is a reasonable time to give up and accept these things haven’t happened for you, or even should you accept this at all ever, and people tell you unhelpful things like “it’s never too late!” And “age is just a number!” And “You can do anything you set your mind to!” And although there is truth in the fact that it’s not like the “old days” in that there are now lots of divorced men looking for a second chance at happiness and so theoretically it should be easier than back then, annoyingly they mostly seem to want to date 21 year olds which doesn’t help you or me. People also seem to find it hard to accept that there is actually a bit of a pressing deadline for having children actually, you can’t normally just decide to put it off til age 70.. although of course then there are fostering/adoption/stepchildren/egg freezing/sperm donation/egg donation/surrogate type possibilities to consider - including the whole issue of whether to go ahead with a pregnancy as a single parent from the get-go and all the cost and ethical implications of these reproductive choices (some of which are only really choices if you are super rich). Life is so complicated now. Although I see you have decided against deliberately becoming a single parent so at least that’s one rabbit hole you don’t need to go down.
I’m think it’s valid to acknowledge your pain that you just aren’t where you had hoped to be in terms of your personal life/relationships/building a family etc. It helped me a lot when my dad (unlike all my feminist friends) said that it’s a totally normal thing to want a relationship and a family and not some crazy weird desire that I should beat myself up over. That most people want to have a companion in life and that this doesn’t make them weak people somehow. And that my friends would likely find it just as hard as I do in the situation I’m in despite all their protestations about wishing they were single etc, as if they really wanted that life, it’s open to them!
Having validated those feelings though, I also agree with other posters who have said 1. If this is how you feel then take practical action for example register for online dating etc. as all is not yet lost! But at the same time 2. It would be good to try to shift your viewpoint somehow to work out how you can make sure you will cope (and not only cope but thrive) if it doesn’t all work out for you despite your best attempts to make it happen for yourself. It’s actually a tricky tightrope to walk as you have to simultaneously hold some optimism and hope in your heart for a slightly belated but ultimately “happy ending” while acknowledging that it’s possible you won’t get your happy ending, not everybody does and somehow you have to be ok with that as you still have to live your life and you still deserve to be happy. All while making sure you don’t come across as at all desperate for a baby to men you might want to date (even though you are...) in the knowledge that this is understandably offputting to men and that many men will likely avoid dating anyone your age for just this reason anyway, just in case.
I think that’s partly what makes it so difficult at this age, at least when you are 58, no matter how gutted you might be not to have had children, in a sense maybe you are where you are then and know it’s not something that is going to happen, at least not naturally, and you are simply focussing on finding a way to be ok with that. At 38ish you still have this tantalising hope along with a growing dread of it not happening. And that uncertainty is psychologically tough I think.
I haven’t got the answer! But know that you’re not alone. I think that’s important. And know also that I felt like you at 37 and feel the same now at 41 (and I’m kicking myself for not addressing my fears a bit more head on and doing some of the things which might have helped at 37 and not 41 instead of moping around being miserable about it) - like losing the weight I know I need to lose, socialising more when we still could 😂, having the courage to try online dating and I also actually regret not freezing my eggs at 37 so this might be something you want to look at. I felt it was too late then and read all these articles saying no point doing it unless it’s before age 35, and they also still had rules in place limiting how long you could freeze the eggs for so it was tricky as I felt I’d have to get rid of the eggs at just the point where I might consider switching to use them via IVF than try to conceive naturally albeit at an older age than many. I believe this has changed/is changing. I personally was also anxious about taking the hormones to do it as I had postnatal psychosis with my son, and would have struggled to scrape up the money for it at the time too. So I’m not angry with myself for not doing it but I wish I had given myself that option, partly as I think it might have taken this feeling of intense time pressure off.
I also have the worry about fertility and if I’m hoping for something physically impossible at this point, as I have endometriosis. I think it’s a good idea as one poster said to get checked out a bit, nobody can ever give you a 100 percent guarantee but they can tell you if there are likely to be major problems. An AMH test can give a rough idea of how much time you might realistically have left to think about conceiving naturally.
Finally, I want to say that in regards to your feeling that your years have been wasted, I had a huge wake-up call about this when my brother suddenly collapsed and died last year age 37 from a sudden heart rhythm issue which was previously unknown. It was a huge shock and terribly upsetting of course, but along with this pandemic, it made me realise that you have to live your life and appreciate your life as it is right now while striving to change it for the better if you are unhappy with it. I do honestly think this whole thing of feeling that our lives as women are not valid somehow, until we are married and have children and anything else is a waste is “wrong thinking” which we have been brainwashed with as children in our sexist society. Real life is now and your life is just as valid and important as someone your age who is a wife and mother, of course it is. It is not a waste! But it has somehow taken me some years to be able to not only realise this intellectually but emotionally too.
I hope and pray you manage to find your heart’s desires one way or another in the coming years (and me too 😂).