My best years are over and I’m sinking thinking of the future. Please help.

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This isn’t caused by lockdown. I’ve been single 7 years. I’m 38 next year. I had a horrible pelvic infection years ago (relevant as I always wanted kids and in the back of my mind I think that infection could have fucked that up for good). I’m also too old now to realistically find someone and have a nice slow evolving marriage then kids. That dream is gone. I worry even at this stage I couldn’t have kids, lots can’t.

My sister gets married next year. She’s been with her fiancé 9 years and is very settled and much younger than me (29). I am so sick of birthdays and holidays and Christmases and bank holidays and weekends feeling like my life hasn’t really started or become what I had hoped.

Kids alone isn’t something I want. I’ve always wanted a family with a partner though. Ideally a husband but I let that idea go long ago. I KNOW it’s not bliss all the time and I know I’ve probably built it into more than it is but I just wanted my turn to complain about washing or what to get my DH for Xmas or who is doing the school
run. I’ve dated lots and had some nice short things and other abusive things. I know I’m ready now to commit. I just can’t find anyone. I’m fed up, the best years of my life are over. How do I form a future without this? Yes I can travel or adopt or change career or whatever else but I don’t want any of those things. I just wanted a family. Someone to go to bed with, to share the shitshow of a boiler breaking or just the monotony of daily life.

I don’t know how to stop feeling bitter and sad and like the years are wasted. I’m in therapy. It doesn’t change the ache for those things I’ve missed out on.

OP, I feel your sadness and frustration from your posts and I can't imagine what it's like if you're feeling your best years are over ((hugs))

I know it won't be any comfort to you but LOTS of women are in your position. The abundance of modern day casual dating, porn, and the general movement away from committed relationships, means that a lot of men don't marry or commit long term to women anymore. It's absolutely nothing you've done wrong.

Having said that, there ARE still men who want to get married. Perhaps focus on finding the right man who you want to marry then think about kids later? Always remember that in any case, kids are not guaranteed for anybody at any age, including for your sister. It could be you find a suitable man a bit later in life and you can adopt children together. Biological kids may or may not happen but you would have a family which is ultimately what you want. It can be easy to rush into a relationship to try to get kids but you can end up in a horror show relationship that can tear you apart emotionally. I recommend Lori Gottlieb "Marry Him" book for practical dating tips for women looking to settle down.

A lot of my friends are having kids now at 39/40 and several of them have only just met the man in question (and are happy as Larry with them.) Things happen at a later age now.

There are two almost identical threads to this one running on MN relationship page at the moment. Read their stories. It might just help a tiny bit. Lots of women are in your position so please don't think you are the only one. I know it can feel like that but not everyone is settled and happy.

OP, you have had some brilliant advice and empathy on this thread. Your frustration and sadness is palpable and I do get it. I am now 47 and was single at 38 then met DP who was the same age and also had never been married or had kids. By 39 I was (accidentally) pregnant and by 40 I had DD. The reason I am telling you this is just to say it isn’t too late but you do need to be proactive and aim to meet men (it is such a very difficult time at the moment though, isn’t it?). I would suggest a website like Elite Singles (I have two friends who met husbands there and were older than you) or eHarmony where I met DP as opposed to the free sites or Match.

People take stock of their lives at this time of year and I think, OP, you will definitely not be the only one feeling like this. I really wish you well.

I am 56 and never got the marriage and 2.4 children with the executive home and all the dinner party trappings. I have remained single all my life but fell pregnant at 33 and raised my child practically alone. I felt like you for a very long time. I was single for years. I still dont live with anyone and have a LDR with someone I met last year. Nothing panned out for me. Reading this you may think I am unhappy and at the depths of despair. You couldn't be farther from the truth. I am happy with my lot and the way I got there was to accept that I probably wouldn't get the marriage/kids/house/lifestyle bit but created it myself by building a fulfilling life without the societal norms still unfortunately out there. I have everything I need, a beautiful 22 year old daughter, a mortgage free house, a good career, a great bunch of friends, hobbies, holidays and outings. You are still very young to give up on everything but its pertinent to perhaps look at life from a different angle and accept that you may not get what you want but that does not stop you from forming a really great life with or without children and with or without a husband.