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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum belittling and swearing at kids and me

28 replies

Daddygold78 · 25/12/2020 19:49

Am I being unreasonable for getting upset and thinking my wife and mother of our kids is completely out of order for losing her temper frequently, resorting to phrases like "little sh*", "little prk", "piece of sh" for small infractions by the kids (who are kids after all)?

It's impossible to raise these issues with her as a) She thinks its normal vocabulary in public so whats the problem b) It's misogynistic and controlling of me to tell her how to parent.

Of course this is exactly how she speaks to me. The other thing is if anyone ever dared talk to her that way she would loose it.

What can I do? If this was someone you knew would you report them to social services? How would you feel if this was a father talking to his kids like this?

OP posts:
Alys20 · 25/12/2020 19:55

It's verbal and emotional abuse, gender of the parent is irrelevant.

If she talks to you like that, why are you still with her?

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2020 19:58

Separate and have the children at least half the time

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/12/2020 20:13

Has her abuse got worse as the kids have come along? It's common for abusers to start showing their true colours once they think they've got you trapped.

What's the housing and finance situation? In your shoes I'd be looking to split up and go for primary residence. What she is doing is incredibly harmful to your kids. How old are they?

Original poster
Daddygold78 · 25/12/2020 20:27

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Has her abuse got worse as the kids have come along? It's common for abusers to start showing their true colours once they think they've got you trapped.

What's the housing and finance situation? In your shoes I'd be looking to split up and go for primary residence. What she is doing is incredibly harmful to your kids. How old are they?

Thanks for the reply

Yes - I think as kids have come along she has felt that 1) Its normal behaviour and even healthy to let everything out, and that there's no big deal, even a need to apologise for using foul and abusive language whether it be to me (in front of the kids) or at the kids themselves and 2) secure in the knowledge that she has joint ownership of the house, can screw me financially in the event of a divorce/split and that there is nothing I can do about it.

I know that if I did decide to walk away she would play hard and dirty. By her own admission she is a vengeful person that bears grudges.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/12/2020 20:36

What do you feel you want to do? If you could wave a magic wand and get your desired outcome without any pain, what would that look like?

Geppili · 25/12/2020 20:45

How could she screw you over financially in a divorce?

Geppili · 25/12/2020 20:46

She sounds verbally abusive. How old are your DC? What is your financial set up?

Original poster
Daddygold78 · 25/12/2020 20:55

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

What do you feel you want to do? If you could wave a magic wand and get your desired outcome without any pain, what would that look like?
My desired outcome with a magic wand is that she would realise what she is doing is wrong and stop it. She wasn't always like this. That's the forgiving side of me.

The other side of me wants a hidden camera in the house filming her to show what a scary, tyrannical and unreasonable person she can be. It is impossible to have a reasonable logical discussion with her about her behaviour, she always lays the blame on me. This side of me wants her to find herself helpless and pathetic. Yes wouldn't it be great to move on but only if I knew she wouldn't be nasty and vindictive afterwards, let me see the kids but not play stupid mind games like calling me up at work and telling me shes refusing to pick the kids up from school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daddygold78 · 25/12/2020 20:57

@Geppili

She sounds verbally abusive. How old are your DC? What is your financial set up?
Easy - tell me that I must maintain her and the kids in a sizeable home, but also do exactly half the childcare. She would expect the same income with half the working hours. There is no reasoning with her.

I can just about live with her personal insults but I think it is unfair on the kids to grow up thinking its normal for their mother to swear at them and belittle them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daddygold78 · 25/12/2020 20:59

@Geppili

She sounds verbally abusive. How old are your DC? What is your financial set up?
If she's verbally abusive why do I read so many articles telling me as a man to not take it personally, to suck it up, to be patient, to understand that there's an underlying cause, to self reflect about the things I may be doing wrong? It's messing with my head. On the one hand she may be abusive on the other hand its all my fault!
OP posts:
Heartofgoldmumof2 · 25/12/2020 21:19

Sorry you are going through this OP. How many DCs do you have?

What was her behaviour like before kids when she got frustrated?
I think you should seek some legal advice to be prepared. Most family law solicitors offer 30 mins free of charge.

Merryweather80 · 25/12/2020 21:26

Can you describe a situation where this has happened? What was going on? What she was doing/ saying, what you were doing/ saying, what the kids were doing /saying and where etc?
Is she struggling- overwhelmed by parenting/ life in general? Not that for one second anything excuses the behaviour.

Your children will grow up thinking this is normal - and it's not.

Would she go Fir counselling?

Difficult situation for you and the children.

ShinyCrocsOfRubber · 25/12/2020 22:08

Was her Mum or Dad like this with her? What are her friends and relatives like?

It's not uncommon in some circles sadly but it's not right.

is this what she wants her children to grow up to be? Men and women who call their children names like a tantrumming eleven year old? She's setting them this example and eventually those names will start falling from the kids' lips - urgh.

Is there any pattern to this? You don't think it could be a combination of PMS and tiredness? I was not a nice person when PMS hit (too old now thank goodness) and if challenged in the heat of the moment ... I might not have reacted well ... a week or two later though and I'd be a whole different person.

Last thought, are there any normal circumstances in which she does have to behave like an adult with control of her own actions? And is she successful? E.g. work. Or has she just never had to moderate her speech & behaviour ever really?

Geppili · 25/12/2020 22:59

Divorce settlements are no longer punitive. Can you give an eg of her behaviour also your DCs ages.

Geppili · 25/12/2020 23:06

The reason people are asking about your DC ages is because of it being PND related.

Geppili · 25/12/2020 23:08

I m any what is your current financial set up. Married, working?

RealisticSketch · 25/12/2020 23:15

Sorry to hear this is the atmosphere in your house op. If my dh was like this and it wasn't a temporary departure from an otherwise normally reasonable personality I wouldn't be sticking with it without a very compelling constraint on my ability to leave.
I'm sorry I don't have any wisdom about the implications to you or the children of you leave. But I am responding to your distress at whether your perceptions this is unacceptable are valid... They certainly are. It is a low barre of standards of behaviour towards loved ones. Her gaslighting you that it's ok and she's the one who is hard done by is horrible mind games.

gettingfedupagain · 25/12/2020 23:20

This is 100% emotionally abusive and you need to protect your children. Tell her to leave. Keep the children yourself. If you feel that you need evidence then maybe make audio recordings on your phone.

FrenchBoule · 25/12/2020 23:39

It’s not normal vocabulary neither in public nor at home.

Kids can be trying sometimes but it’s still NOT excuse to swear at them. My DH never swore AT me and we don’t use foul language around kids

Either try to get to the root of what her problem is and point out it’s not acceptable(yes,record it and show it to her if you can) or split up going for full custody or at least 50:50.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2020 00:26

Record her tirades. Go for full custody get rid of the abuser.

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 26/12/2020 00:31

Also if your DC are 25 and 28 it's very different to 2 and 6

TiddyTid · 26/12/2020 00:41

My DHs ex is exactly like this. Unfortunately it took him far too long to leave which has fucked him and the kids up even though they are adults now. She's still doing it. Arsehole.

DO NOT BE AN ENABLER

Treacletoots · 26/12/2020 13:57

I'm sorry to say OP that she's got a bloody good idea what she's doing and she's made it clear she doesn't care, so you need to take steps to protect you and your DC.

Her expectations, sorry delusions that you'll continue to keep her in the style she's become accustomed to, yet expect you to do 50% of the childcare are just that, delusional. This in itself is signs of coercive abuse and, is also now illegal.

I'm afraid it's time to accept your partnership is over, and you must stand up for your children, if you don't, who else will?

Record her rants, get cameras, do whatever you need to do and get a bloody good solicitor. Abusers abuse, because they can. You're the only one who can stop this, please don't hesitate.

Steamfan · 26/12/2020 14:04

These people might also help www.mankind.org.uk/

Sassypants82 · 26/12/2020 16:42

I calmly spoke to a woman in tesco for verbally abusing her daughter like this the other day.. As expected, it didn't go down well.. She lived up to the bellowing, bullying confrontational, shouty arse I thought she was.

Started out asking her if she was stressed and needed help but she just shouted me down about commenting on her 'parenting'.

No taking to her. Felt so sorry for her 4 young kids being called names on Christmas eve eve. And it seemed to roll off them, used to it i expect.

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