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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex sent me Christmas gifts?

39 replies

Razpoot · 25/12/2020 12:10

I feel very confused right now. I broke up with my ex in November, and we have a baby girl. He was very lazy, very negative, abused drugs, the night we broke up the police got involved as he grabbed my neck and shouted abuse at me and the baby. He is denying he did it to people we know and also the court, with a trial coming up. He's on bail so I've been happy to not have to see him, the lies he was spreading are annoying, but everyday without im glad to have him out of my life. I let him see the baby supervised once a week. As far as I'm aware he dislikes me as he has turned friends against me and shared something about "toxic ex's who pretend they're the victims" obviously referring to me somehow Hmm

Yet his mum came at my door yesterday with gifts from him?!? I know if he were still together he never even would have bothered. He really went out of his way to get things he knew i like and expensive toys for the baby. And a card which reads,

On the front: even when we have to say goodbye, love doesn't go away

Inside: I hope you are having a good Christmas. I regret that i can't be spending it with you both. I hope your family are well. Give (baby) a million kisses"

Card text inside: hold on to your memories and the love will stay

Then he signs it with a heart and kisses?!
Somebody explain what hes trying on here because i am so surprised. Is he trying to win my forgiveness? Should i send a card back just thanking him or ignore it? I feel rude at least not thanking him after he got me so much, but its so odd... he still isnt pleading guilty to the court. Maybe he just wants the control of knowing i have to think about him again. I just dont know

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 25/12/2020 12:17

BOF alone knows what he's playing at. Softening you up befire ciurt I'm guess & yes, messing with your head

Do NOT thank him for the gifts/unwanted intrusion in your life.

Either enjoy them if you want to or dump the lot for you back in his mother. Tell her your silence in court will not be bought.

Try not to waste Christmas Day giving it head space.

I hope you & DD have a lovely day xx

SandyY2K · 25/12/2020 12:28

I wouldn't want to keep gifts from someone who grabbed my neck like that...I'd keep the ones for the baby and return the rest to his mum.

Wanderlusto · 25/12/2020 12:31

Agree with pp, send all the gifts back apart from the ones for your child.

It's called narcissistic hoovering. Read up on it and prepare yourself.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 25/12/2020 12:33

Keep the messages. Show them to the police / CPS next week. (Not urgent but useful.) Personally if someone had falsely accused me of strangling them I don’t think that is the type of message I would send them. Funny that.

Is he even allowed to send you messages? What are his bail conditions with regards to contacting you?

Re: presents. Dump them somewhere out of sight for today and think about it another time - go back to enjoying Christmas today.

MessyMummy15 · 25/12/2020 12:37

Sorry hun that's shit and manipulative been in the exact same situation and then he brought it up in court trying to show what good guy he is and that I was the nasty one because I returned them (politely) and told him that we wasn't no longer together and he shouldn't be spending money on me.
My ex tried to base his whole court case on the fact he had brought gifts and I didn't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Razpoot · 25/12/2020 12:43

Thanks for the replies. I'll read up on narcissistic hoovering, might clear my mind on what the hell in going on. Not sure about giving them back, it's nothing harmful, candles (I always keep one in the living room), treats for the pets, socks, box of chocolates. I feel too awkward to do that, i kind of just want to take it and leave it, i wasn't even expecting any of this, part of me feels like i owe him something back now but i keep telling myself no this was his decision.

@mumoftwoinprimary "Personally if someone had falsely accused me of strangling them I don’t think that is the type of message I would send them. Funny that" - exactly this!

His bail says he isnt allowed to contact me in any way or come down this street. So yes, he has broken the conditions. I feel petty informing them over a somewhat harmless card and gifts though... Really not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razpoot · 25/12/2020 12:46

@messymummy15 that's awful but kind of funny in the way that he thought that was a way to prove his innocence! What a silly reason to make especially to a court. I wonder if thats the same logic my ex is going with right now

OP posts:
Mabelface · 25/12/2020 12:47

Report it. He's done exactly what he's not supposed to do.

PaperStar · 25/12/2020 12:49

He has broken his bail conditions.

Be certain that this isn't a neutral act on his part. He knows exactly how this will have made you feel including knowing that you will feel awkward contacting the police.

But the facts are his bail conditions state no contact and he has made contact.

That is all the police will see.

It's a continuation of the abuse.

MaryShelleysDracula · 25/12/2020 12:51

If you accept and thank it's either 'proof' for him to go to court with (she accepted and thanked me your honour! He's expecting a text or something saying thanks for the gifts x) or an 'in' for him to start trying to worm his way back in and if you send them all back it's proof to his mother and the people he tells all about it what a bitch you are that you won't even take a harmless gift. He's playing you like the abuser he is.

VinterKvinna · 25/12/2020 12:53

@Razpoot

Thanks for the replies. I'll read up on narcissistic hoovering, might clear my mind on what the hell in going on. Not sure about giving them back, it's nothing harmful, candles (I always keep one in the living room), treats for the pets, socks, box of chocolates. I feel too awkward to do that, i kind of just want to take it and leave it, i wasn't even expecting any of this, part of me feels like i owe him something back now but i keep telling myself no this was his decision.

@mumoftwoinprimary "Personally if someone had falsely accused me of strangling them I don’t think that is the type of message I would send them. Funny that" - exactly this!

His bail says he isnt allowed to contact me in any way or come down this street. So yes, he has broken the conditions. I feel petty informing them over a somewhat harmless card and gifts though... Really not sure what to do.

His bail says he isnt allowed to contact me in any way or come down this street. So yes, he has broken the conditions. I feel petty informing them over a somewhat harmless card and gifts though... Really not sure what to do.

and that is exactly how the manipulative ex wants you to feel!

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 25/12/2020 13:35

He can't contact you on probation. Can you phone the police and report it? That's quite intimidating

Elieza · 25/12/2020 13:37

He’s a chancer who is hoping to worm his way out of jail and back into your affections.

As the mother dropped them off it could even have been her idea if she’s scared for her son going to be in trouble with the police and get a criminal record etc.

Up to you whether you keep them. But could you even look at them knowing that he’s such a dangerous and nasty person. I’d not want reminded so I think I’d return them but perhaps keep the baby gifts if your child would enjoy them.

forsucksfake · 25/12/2020 13:47

Have a similar ex minus the baby (thank God) and PP are right. The words and gesture have zero to do with you and everything to do with the lies he tells himself and the world. Return the gifts and maintain contact only for your child's sake. He is never going to change--he is likely incapable of loving anyone but himself.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 25/12/2020 13:59

He's playing a game. He is trying to manipulate you into forgiving him. Anything he gave me would be going on a bonfire.

Dery · 25/12/2020 14:11

“He has broken his bail conditions.

Be certain that this isn't a neutral act on his part. He knows exactly how this will have made you feel including knowing that you will feel awkward contacting the police.

But the facts are his bail conditions state no contact and he has made contact.

That is all the police will see.

It's a continuation of the abuse.”

This.

Thingsdogetbetter · 25/12/2020 14:17

Do not contact him. He's banking on a 'thank you' text so he can take it to court as you and him being amicable now, or a 'fuck off' text he can show people to make you look unreasonable. Not reporting him asap will look bad on your part when he brings it up in court - "see, she's fine with me contacting her. She just makes a big fuss when she wants to make me look bad cos she's playing games."

He's playing his own manipulative game, and you need to stick to the rules set by the court game - report ANY contact regardless of how 'innocent' it seems. If you don't report this he will escalate contact because he 'thinks' you are now giving permission.

Dery · 25/12/2020 15:33

“He's playing his own manipulative game, and you need to stick to the rules set by the court game - report ANY contact regardless of how 'innocent' it seems. If you don't report this he will escalate contact because he 'thinks' you are now giving permission.”

And this.

Original poster
Razpoot · 25/12/2020 15:48

Okay. Ive told them he sent me the letter :( feeling awful about it though, it gives him more reason to prove to everybody else that I'm a horrible person as i told them and all he did was send a technically nice letter and some presents.

OP posts:
forsucksfake · 25/12/2020 15:56

Please do not feel awful as that is playing right into his manipulation. Remember the abusive man who physically assaulted you and verbally abused you and your baby. He is responsible for that and his breach of the conditions. He is, not you.

Stay strong. Harden your heart. 💜

Aspiringmatriarch · 25/12/2020 15:57

Don't feel awful, feel proud of yourself! It's incredibly hard to keep your head straight when someone is trying to manipulate you. As PPs said, he's broken the conditions of his bail. The conditions don't state no contact unless you're being nice/ it's Christmas. They state no contact, for very good reason. Abusive people will always have ways of trying to change the narrative or make you think they've changed, this is an example of exactly that. You did the right thing but to engage and to report to ensure he doesn't have any ammunition to use in court. Hope you're having a lovely Christmas with your baby. Xmas SmileFlowersWine

Terracottasaur · 25/12/2020 16:00

I would return the gifts he gave you to his mum - no need for a note or anything, you can just leave them on her doorstep or tell her you don’t feel comfortable keeping them.

Keep the gifts for the baby if you like. You don’t need to thank him for those - he hasn’t done a nice thing for you by buying his child a present, and you don’t need to thank him.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 25/12/2020 16:01

@Razpoot

Okay. Ive told them he sent me the letter :( feeling awful about it though, it gives him more reason to prove to everybody else that I'm a horrible person as i told them and all he did was send a technically nice letter and some presents.
You've done the right thing reporting it. He's manipulating you, he wants you to feel guilty so that you drop the charges and then things can go back to normal. He will then go back to being abusive but he'll be worse than before because he'll be seething that you reported him to the police. A box of chocs and a nice card doesn't mean he's suddenly changed. Men like him never change.

In time, you'll meet a nice man who buys you thoughtful presents and doesn't grab you by the throat. You and your child deserve better.

I hope you can have a lovely day. Give the gifts to the foodbank or charity if you haven't already used them.

Stay strong, you can do this.

electronVolt · 25/12/2020 16:06

The conditions don't state no contact unless you're being nice/ it's Christmas. They state no contact, for very good reason. Abusive people will always have ways of trying to change the narrative or make you think they've changed, this is an example of exactly that

Keep repeating this to yourself.

This is absolutely textbook, 101 in the Manipulative Twat playlist. The courts, police etc will see STRAIGHT through it. As do we.

Thingsdogetbetter · 25/12/2020 16:08

He doesn't need a reason to tell people you're not a nice person. He'll do it anyway, proof or not.

HE broke bail conditions! So you think he did that to be nice? Not a fucking hope. He did it to trap you. He did it to manipulate you. He did it to look good to others. There's nothing nice about his actions.

You have to stop your 'nice' side that's making you feel guilty and wanting others to see you as nice and not horrible. You can do nothing about the idiots who fall for his bollox. What you do, or don't do, won't make a blind bit of difference to the story he tells.

Be fucking horrible. Be fucking not nice. Be fucking angry. Be fucking self-protecting. So what if his friends and family think you're horrible. Fuck 'em! Be horrible. Be safe. Be happy.

And yes, I've had some Christmas gin. Grin

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