Struggling on my own today after a year from hell

[elleps]

I’ve been dreading Christmas and I’m not doing so well today. Without going into all the detail, I thought this Christmas I would be married and have a child. I don’t have either, my wedding didn’t happen. My fiancé left. I’ve been working on getting better this year and in therapy but Christmas is knocking me for six. Two grandparents died in summer, not covid, and that’s added to it all. I’m having a day dropping presents at my parents tomorrow and will have a short walk then go home. I’m anxious about seeing my sister as we had a two months ago and although we have been civil we haven’t been in touch properly. I feel angry with her for being so shit when my life fell apart. We fell out as I thought she had been telling a friend about the breakdown of my relationship which upset me..it sounds so petty now but I still feel looking back that she should have been the bigger person and been there for me rather than ignoring me for months. We sound like kids when we are actually two professionals and it’s ridiculous it’s come to this. She’s civil and text when she is driving over to co ordinate for the walk but I just feel anxious and sad.

I’m here on my own and spent the whole of my twenties like this. My fiancé and I had some lovely Christmases. At 38 I probably won’t have the family I imagined and it’s so hard to face.

I know nobody can say anything to make it better, just needed to let it out I suppose.

That should say we had a row a few months ago!

and a big hug

Totally feel for you, my not so DH asked for a divorce 5 days ago. I am still reeling and in a state of shock. Be kind to yourself, its the toughest time of year to be alone.

Are you having therapy? I think you could really benefit from working through this with a professional. Look at somebody who is very experienced and deals with grief and solution based therapy. Somebody who deals with low self esteem and confidence. You know I wasn’t even married at your age. 38 is young. Get through Christmas and then sort out therapy and start doing things. Get a life coach, do daily yoga, join a gym, set up a local book group, change your job, do an evening course. What are you interested in? Focus on 2021 being a year of your fun hobbies. Join a beginners running group in January. Get a dog. Join a dog walking group. There’s so much you can do to get out and meet new interesting people. Don’t just accept the status quo. Shake it up. Go and live in Bristol! Big city, new people...do you see what I’m getting at. You’re stuck in a low rut. You don’t need to be xxx

@soopedup thanks. Yes I have therapy. I don’t really want to shake things up...I feel like I did all that in my twenties and was really ready to settle down with who I thought was going to be my husband. It feels too late to have the life I had hoped for. I’m lucky I have a good job and nice colleagues. But it’s tough and I wish there wasn’t enforced festivity. Makes it harder and I feel everything is triggered.

@Tatiannatomasina I’m so sorry. How awful. I hope things get better for you and you find new happiness before too long xx

So sorry, you have been through a lot and this is probably the worst time of year in the worst possible year. It will be over soon. Think of the new year as a fresh start and plan to make changes.

38 is not too old to find someone. Yes it gets harder as you get older, but it's still possible, though you probably need to process what has happened first and be single for a while.

Try not to panic about having a child, unless you're prepared to have one alone it's not something you can rush into. There are options if you can't conceive in a few years time - they take adjusting to and may not be for you, but egg donation, fostering, adoption are all out there.

Best wishes for a happier future xxx

I know some what about how you feel. A few years ago I was let down by a man who knew I wanted us to have relationship. I was good enough for sex and BJ but not good enough to be his girlfriend. What hurt me more was he met a woman who got pregnant early in in their relationship. It now a few years later. He is back in contact with me thinking we can get into a fwb situation. Due to the whole covid lockdowns we have not met up but I have no intention of getting involved in a fwb situation with him. A few other things have come to light about him and let's just say I had a lucky escape.

In regards to your sister I could see why you fell out if you thought she was telling people what happened to you. News like that was yours only to tell to close friends and not everyone's business. Say to her that you were upset when it happened and see what she says to you then.

This year has be horrible for so many people. Christmas always seems to shine a spotlight on your life and if you have not got the "perfect life" that others seem to have it can make you feel worse. Theirs nothing wrong with being single. I know so many couples that are couples in name only but won't split up due to kids, money ect.

Once the lockdown is over look at getting involved with some new groups or organisations. It will help you meet new people and give something to do and look forward to. I hope you have a great 2021.

What about volunteering? Go and help out at a homeless shelter or similar over the Xmas period. Take your mind off things

There’s nowhere to volunteer round here. Wherever I was would feel the same. Just want it to be over.

I’m so sorry OP you’ve had a hard year.

When Ihad hard times at Christmas I used to just hunker down and almost pretend it was a normal Sunday.

I hope you have some nice treats for tm.

I’m finding it really hard tonight. I’m so sad. Literally sitting here in a silent house. Social media makes it all worse and I know it’s the best bits that are out on there. It’s even lonelier not to have access to it too as I feel totally and utterly isolated. I don’t know how to get through this im having such dark thoughts about everything. How can 24 hours feel like this.

I’m holding your hand.

Can you put a podcast or some non-Christmas music on?

Something to divert how you are feeling?

I'm really sorry, that is hard

Sorry you’re finding it so difficult- Christmas we think of as such a lovely time but it can be so lonely and sad. Dont give up hope - 2021 is round the corner - make it your year!

I'm sorry you are struggling. This year has been challenging for you in so many ways. Is there something you would like to do different or set a goal in 2021.

Just be kind to your self, early
Night. Classic fm on quietly. When you find your mind wondering focus on the radio and try to drift off. It's good you got plans tomorrow. Just take it hour by hour xx

OP I’ve been where you have with my DSis. We had a huge fall out and we haven’t trusted each other for a long time but this year with very small steps we’ve come a long way towards putting it right. Try to just take it one step at a time and it’ll come right.
I’m sorry you feel lonely. I’m on my own too, but for me it’s been much longer. Try to remember social media often isn’t reflective of real life and everyone has problems. I don’t think anyone has a perfect life.
Do you have friends you could maybe have a walk with over the holiday? I’m sure they’d want to make some time for you if they knew how you felt.

I’ve just finished a very stressful job for a few days so I’m relishing the tv, box sets and junk food. But I understand being alone is hard, particularly when you’ve had such an awful year. You could try making some plans for next year, decorating, gardening, learning a new skill etc.
I hope I’m not rambling and I hope you can start to look forward very soon. Merry Christmas

You’re going to get through this and you’re going to be ok. Just relax over the next few days, treat it like a holiday with good food and drink and remember not to believe a word of social media either. I’m married with three children and I could post happy pictures online, although I’m desperately sad and spend most of my time on rightmove, planning my escape.

This is such an extremely challenging time of year, so dark relentless. Plod on get through the next week or so and then have a think about things.

I’m so sorry. That’s utterly shit. (((Hug)))

@elleps

There’s nowhere to volunteer round here. Wherever I was would feel the same. Just want it to be over.

NHS volunteering service is still active. You don't have to volunteer in a hospital, there's lots of other community based volunteering options such as being a phone befriender to call someone vulnerable and alone once a week, delivering medication to people too vulnerable to collect it etc.

Also please phone the Samaritans for someone to chat to. Theyre not just there for people in crisis and it may be helpful to speak to someone friendly and who will listen, who's outside your family.

Hi Elleps. Have no fear. Raise a toast to yourself tomorrow, and two fingers at your fiance. Be glad he's gone.
I had my first (and only) baby at 43 - natural conception. Incredible, as I smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish. He's a strapping teenager now. And we have just watched Bridget Jones Edge of Reason together. Played charades, eaten chocolates...
My husband buggered off when our son was 6 months. No contact. No support in any way.
Men really can just be a waste of time, energy and purpose. You're 38. If you want a child, you can adopt, foster or turkey baste.

I sympathise OP with regards your sister.. above all things you are entitled to privacy... and you should be able to trust your sister would respect this... 🌺

It’s just though feeling like my time is over now.

I’m supposed to be meeting for a social distance walk meet date whatever over the weekend and yet I just feel like what’s the point. Nothing ever works out just like all my twenties alone. My ex fiancé changed that and now I’m weathered by what’s happened to me. Who would want this version of me, however much I’m ok and recovered, I will always be impacted by this.