I’ve been dreading Christmas and I’m not doing so well today. Without going into all the detail, I thought this Christmas I would be married and have a child. I don’t have either, my wedding didn’t happen. My fiancé left. I’ve been working on getting better this year and in therapy but Christmas is knocking me for six. Two grandparents died in summer, not covid, and that’s added to it all. I’m having a day dropping presents at my parents tomorrow and will have a short walk then go home. I’m anxious about seeing my sister as we had a two months ago and although we have been civil we haven’t been in touch properly. I feel angry with her for being so shit when my life fell apart. We fell out as I thought she had been telling a friend about the breakdown of my relationship which upset me..it sounds so petty now but I still feel looking back that she should have been the bigger person and been there for me rather than ignoring me for months. We sound like kids when we are actually two professionals and it’s ridiculous it’s come to this. She’s civil and text when she is driving over to co ordinate for the walk but I just feel anxious and sad.
I’m here on my own and spent the whole of my twenties like this. My fiancé and I had some lovely Christmases. At 38 I probably won’t have the family I imagined and it’s so hard to face.
I know nobody can say anything to make it better, just needed to let it out I suppose.