The one that got away...

[NoPrivateSpy]

Ok, don't flame me! Happily married, 2 young children, wonderful husband but still a little bit obsessed with the one that got away.

I'm old enough to know better! We met when I was 17. Last time we saw each other was a good 10 years ago plus. But I still feel like I've never met anyone like him. And I still get butterflies thinking about him. And it unnerves me. Please tell me it's ok to think about him from time to time and occasionally google him ?

Maybe it was an age thing? The ferocity of feelings you felt at that age. Maybe it's easy to occasionally find yourself reminiscing... wondering what might have been?

Does anyone else feel like me and how do you deal with it? What's the tipping point into unhealthy?

The guy who broke up with me nearly a month ago. I'm hoping he will become 'the one who nearly got away but then changed his mind and came back again'. Nearly 3 years together and he still made me weak at the knees and gave me butterflies. He was always a gentleman and so respectful of me, and we had amazing chemistry.

It maybe is that you're associating him with that age and feeling a bit nostalgic? I can't relate because my boyfriend at that age was an arsehole but I'm completely crazy about my current one luckily. He'd be the one who got away if he did get away.

I think it becomes unhealthy if it's daily, and becomes your 'escape zone' evry time ou have a bad day or you're bored etc (and sex fantasies if they overtake your sexlife with partner).

I feel like that occasionally OP. My OTGA was nearly 20 years ago. We're both married to other people, and still remain virtually/periodically friendly (birthday wishes, happy new year etc). I reminisce for a little while about what could've been, then put it out of my mind until next time.

I do think you need to explore the reasons why before it becomes unhealthy.

It’s could be more about the time of your life, when opportunities were more open to you.
A little bit of fantasy is fine but that’s all it is really, fantasy. The issue is whether you feel something is lacking in your marriage, even subconsciously.

Explore it before it becomes a bigger problem.

This is actually a pretty well-documented thing. A researcher who recently passed away used to write about “list lives.” (Nancy Kalman) she used to run a bulletin board and now there is another bulletin board, but I have to find the link. Age has a lot to do with it and also the fact that often the reasons we break up with young are external to the relationship (timing, parents, etc)when I divorced my first love contacted me and we met up. Whenever I though of him while married I could instantly get sick because I still had strong feelings for him, but I had been in school and he was a little older and married someone else and had children, so I thought how lucky to have found love twice. When we met for a catch up after my divorce it was one of the most painful experiences ever. We still have such strong feelings for each other, but he is married and neither of us want an affair. Now we meet for coffee about once of year when he is in my town. We have no contact at all in between and it is kind of torture. I love the few hours we chat and joke and I hear his voice, but he is married and that is that. If lost lives meet up after both are divorced or widowed things can go well. I think the research shows it is disaster it’s if one or both are married. Gah.

I have one of these. Bumped into him after about 10 years and immediately got all the butterflies etc. Couldnt stop thinking about him for a few weeks. He actually messaged me saying how it was nice to bump into me, just general chit chat. He made a comment about something and immediately all the butterflies died well and truly. Just reminded me that he is not the same person that he was all them years ago (neither am I)
We get nostalgic and hung up on the memory of people, but actually find that they're not that same person anymore.
I still think of him from time to time, but just of the nice memories and hoping he is well and happy.

Only as a looks thing.

When I was 17? I went to see a band at the rescue rooms (part of Rock City) called I was a cub scout. There was a guy in the audience and he was pure perfection, he was beautiful, if I was any good at art I would be able to draw him now.

@Jackabobbo

The guy who broke up with me nearly a month ago. I'm hoping he will become 'the one who nearly got away but then changed his mind and came back again'. Nearly 3 years together and he still made me weak at the knees and gave me butterflies. He was always a gentleman and so respectful of me, and we had amazing chemistry.

So why did he break up with you?

@CoronaIsADick

I have one of these. Bumped into him after about 10 years and immediately got all the butterflies etc. Couldnt stop thinking about him for a few weeks. He actually messaged me saying how it was nice to bump into me, just general chit chat. He made a comment about something and immediately all the butterflies died well and truly. Just reminded me that he is not the same person that he was all them years ago (neither am I) We get nostalgic and hung up on the memory of people, but actually find that they're not that same person anymore. I still think of him from time to time, but just of the nice memories and hoping he is well and happy.

What did he say??????? What was the comment that killed it?

Wont let me reply individually for some reason 🤔

damnthatanxiety- when I bumped into him I was with my current partner. When he messaged he commented that he was glad to see he was much better looking than him. Reminded me how much of an arrogant fucker he was and obviously still is.

Oh god, that would totally put me off someone! What a hideous thing to say...

Yes you're all right. It's nostalgia, isn't it? There is something so intense at that age. I guess it's natural to confuse that intensity with something really unique and special. But it always would have faded.

I'm the same, almost 20 years on and I still think about my one who got away all the time. I find when things are difficult in my personal life I think about him more. I'm going through a separation and impending divorce and regularly fantasise about how we will reconcile when he leaves his wife. In real life we're not in any kind of contact, he's married - probably very happily, and even if not, with 6 kids between us it would be one big hot mess!! But I've never felt since the way I felt with him between the ages of 17-21. I had a couple of long term relationships after him, including my marriage, and they have all involved infidelity (them not me). I do feel that he was the only one that really loved me, and that I really loved back, genuine passion and chemistry, but it was just the wrong time for us. I never doubted his feelings for me, he was my first love and I'd never been hurt. I'm a lot more cynical now and I've never let my guard down in the same way since. I'm really hungry for those feelings, to be loved and wanted like that, and to feel the same. Whatever is in store for me, I'm glad I had that time as I do know what love and passion feels like.

@damnthatanxiety he broke up with me because of the distance. We live on different continents now. I met him here (UK) but he was only here for work for the first year and had to go back. We stayed together long distance and saw each other as much as we could in the second year which worked well, and discussed how we could manage in future and where we would live so we had an aim of closing the gap. Our plans to see each other throughout this year got messed up. We both lost our jobs during the start of the outbreak and that didn't help. I'm probably stupid to think it could work out, I just miss him.

@NoPrivateSpy

Yes you're all right. It's nostalgia, isn't it? There is something so intense at that age. I guess it's natural to confuse that intensity with something really unique and special. But it always would have faded.

Yes, most definitely nostalgia and as you say at that age it is very much an intense first love. I don't think we ever do forget our first love, but I do think we put them on a sort of pedestal and mainly remember the best parts. It's normal to think what if and look back on the memories as long as we don't get stuck there. I've been guilty of that myself and still from time to time do. I just remind myself how much his comment made me cringe and that seems to do the trick for a while 😂

I met mine when I was 17 and have never forgotten him. Have googled him but as he shares a name with someone famous... The ferocity of our feelings at that age has a lot to do with it, we romanticise the relationship and there really isn't another high like it. Thank God there isn't actually. I haven't seen mine since 1992, so imagine.

Oh Diggorydoo, what lovely words! But you are so right, that sort of infatuation would feel slightly different with the pressures of family life, snotty kids and paying the bills.

I can sort of relate, met at high school, never had a relationship, but there was definitely something there. Spoke for years.
I still think of him nearly 20 years later and my biggest regret is not telling him how I felt back then.
If he wasn't married I would tell him, and I often fantise of how he will get back in touch when he is single and we will be together, but less so now as more years pass

@Diggorydoo

That's how I felt when I was with TOTGA. Chemistry. Passion. Trust (massively so, never felt it since, two marriages in). Maybe that's what I miss? The feelings, rather than the person.. Everything you've said resonates, so much.

I have one of these too. It’s nice to read other people’s experiences as sometimes I feel it’s just me and I’m a terrible person or a bit mad! It’s been 13 years and I still think about him and get those feelings. I’m married to someone else with young dc and my dh is great but if I’m honest the intensity and passion was never there like it was with the one that got away. I’ve even discussed it with a counsellor because it was taking over my life at one point when I was going through a bad patch with dh and struggling with my mental health in general. She made me feel better about it but it still hasn’t fully gone away. Maybe it never will.

It’s still very raw for me, OP. We’ve been friends for over 10 years; great chemistry, make each other laugh and I’ve always found him physically very attractive. However, we were both married not too long after meeting and becoming friends so nothing romantic ever happened. A few years passed and he got divorced and broke away from our circle of friends. We’d speak on occasions - he’d message to ask how my dc were etc. Then my marriage broke down and we seriously contemplated starting a relationship. For lots of reasons I won’t go into, I decided to work on my marriage and he was left heartbroken. He’s now TOTGA and I regularly think of him and what could have been.

Thanks everyone, it's so interesting to see everyone's replies. I definitely feel less alone (and stupid - it always makes me feel a bit like a silly school girl). But I think it's ok to wonder what might have been in another time and place?

Am going through this now and feel stupid and horrible to my dh. Lockdown is causing us to have arguments and I wonder if I think of this guy when I'm happy...I'm not sure I do?

Part of me wishes I chose him instead. Just before I got together with dh I told him how I felt over facebook in a very ott way saying I wanted to travel the world with him, but then retracted it a few days later because I presumed if he wanted us to be together we would be. He told me he liked me but didn't realise I liked him.

In retrospect, I told him when we'd not seen eachother for a year and I'd moved back home and he was unlikely to say yes. Always thinking he would never commit, it was me who wouldn't at an earlier time. And perhaps could have started something if I wasn't so keen with the "travel the world" comment, after always trying to pretend I didn't like him when we were housemates and having a succession of dates and then a boyfriend so we didn't get together and "make it awkward for our housemates", in reality I was scared of getting hurt as he'd just split from his girlfriend because she wanted something more serious than he could give.

Sometimes wish I'd enjoyed my youth more and not squandered it wanting to settle so soon. Such a mess. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we were meant to be together we probably would be but the timing has always been off. Listening to screamy Linkin Park now to forget my foolishness.

Haha, Aquarian, that last like made me laugh!

I think you are so right. My husband and I have been through a lot - really testing, trying stuff.

The one that got away, well, he had a chance, didn't step up and then decided afterwards he liked me when it was too late. That's not testing, trying stuff. That's just not liking someone enough really, isn't it?

I think the same as you. I think I'm wrapped up in the what-if romance of it all.