I honestly don't think I'll ever get over it. I mean, here I am still thinking about him 20 years later. And it's probably only become more and more fantastical in my mind with the passing of time. I recall the intensity of it, the emotions, and physically, we really were crazy about each other. I've never felt as safe, loved, adored, understood, and never been able to trust and be as honest and vulnerable with someone as I was then. I think we felt like equals, I've definitely not had that since.
He is married to a stunner, almost 6foot, blonde, beautiful body, gorgeous face, always looks amazing, really intelligent, great job, and they have gorgeous kids - but he did tell a friend of mine a few years ago just before they married that he always thought he would marry me, that knocked me for 6, so I think it's possible he might have some residual feelings for dumpy old me too.
There wasn't a big reason for us breaking up, we still loved each other, but at 21 we had been together a few years and were living in different cities and it was putting pressure on the relationship and causing arguments, so we took a break. I think he also wanted to sow some wild oats, as I probably did too. I was really lost without him, and ended up in another relationship to get over him ( yeah stupid I know, and it didn't work). I wouldn't give in to ask him back (hello my big ego) as I wanted him to make a massive grand gesture and beg me back, I couldn't make the first step. And I would always pretend to be so happy with my second boyfriend when he was about. It's actually so immature and ridiculous the games we play in our youth. Saying that there were a few encounters on nights out where one or both of us drunkenly declared love, but we didn't follow up the next day - probably cos of my boyfriend.
I will never reach out to him, unless I found out he was single. I think actually for me a lot of it is that I don't feel I have closure. There was no dramatic ending or incident, I believe we still loved each other, and I've not been able to replicate that since. If I ever got a chance at feeling even half of that with someone else, I'd take their arm and all off them. I watched Dirty Dancing over Christmas and it resonated when Baby said, "I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you", that's how I feel my life has been since.
Christ, this all feels ridiculous and self indulgent and I'm not such a sad fucker in real life. I think it's just something that's always there in the background.