Am I expecting too much?

[Mollymol]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. When we first met he did have a drink most nights but I never really thought it was an issue, just that he liked a beer to wind down at night. However when we started living together I realised there was more to it. It turned out he was drinking every day and it had become his way of “coping”. His mum and dad died in quite a traumatic way. He was fully functioning, still going to work, he didnt stay up drinking, he just had enough in his system to give him that chilled out feeling throughout the day. He had been doing this for almost 10 years, he had never gone a day without alcohol and i think because he “functioned” his family and ex partners buried their heads. We had a long talk about it and I said If we were to have a future he needed to try and tackle this. He ended up going to the doctors, got some tablets to help with the withdrawal symptoms and detoxed for 8 weeks. He suffered from quite severe withdrawal symptoms in the first week but he started to look and feel better after a couple of weeks. He started to re introduce alcohol at a more normal level but this is the part I find hard and wanted advice on. He has cut down a lot, doesn’t drink everyday but I can see him sometimes at the weekend “counting down” to the afternoon when it will be considered an “acceptable” time to drink. He says everyday is a struggle but he’s trying. If I see him slipping I will give him a gentle nudge but it does frustrate me at times. I know most people will probably say he needs to quit full stop but he doesn’t go off the rails, he’s not abusive, he’s loving and kind and we do normal things and I know to quit completely is a massive thing. I would like to maybe hear from anyone who has been dependent on alcohol so I can try and understand the battle he is fighting as I do get quietly frustrated at times. I try to let him figure this out but I’m not sure how often I should be pushing him in the right direction or at what stage I should be saying “I think you have had enough beer this week”. I’m also worried these next 2 weeks will set him back as most people drink more because it’s christmas”.

@LividLover I think I would regret it if I walked away now as despite this we do have a good life together. Even if I met someone else without this issue at the end of the day it wouldn’t be him. As much as it might seem like I’m minimising, I’m trying to portray he’s nothing like what you are all probably imagining. It’s hard to get the life we have across on here because as soon as you hear “alcoholic” it’s instantly viewed as bad. Don’t get me wrong is drinking is a worry and if he was in debt, abusive or jobless or still drinking all day everday I wouldn’t stick around. My concern is his health and the what’s going on inside his head for him to need the alcohol.

I completely get it. People think how did you fall in live with/marry/stay with an alcoholic for so long but it’s not like that when you’re in it. I do understand that. And I wouldn’t have left him in the early stages any more than you will leave yours. I get it.

I'm not saying to walk away, op, what I want for you to do is face it head-on and very clear-eyed.

I think the detox was partially to prove something to you, and partially to prove something to himself.

The problem is, he thinks that it did and that he succeeded, and that what he's doing now is moderate drinking (it isn't) and that he's now got control of his addiction (he hasn't). Alcoholism tends to involve a lot of self-deceit.

I think you need expert support from Al-Anon to really understand the dynamics and his issue, and your own. It cannot hurt, can it? You don't want to follow a well trodden path of co-dependence and enabling that often goes alongside alcoholism. Get support, get advice, don't just try to handle it on your own.

He will maintain his current state to ‘keep’ you.
At some point his guard will drop and he will go back to the way he was.
Think about if you want this situation in your life , and the life of any children.

I’m trying to portray he’s nothing like what you are all probably imagining. It’s hard to get the life we have across on here because as soon as you hear “alcoholic” it’s instantly viewed as bad. Don’t get me wrong is drinking is a worry and if he was in debt, abusive or jobless or still drinking all day everday I wouldn’t stick around.

That's being a functional alcoholic tho, it's not uncommon, and it's not that people on here don't understand that. They can go on for years and years like it. No offence is intended, but it's naive of you to think your situation is different somehow.

Do you want to have kids one day OP? I think my advice on this would depend partly on that. I know he has kids himself but do you want some one day? Sorry if you've already covered this I read all your posts but may have missed it.

I’m trying to portray he’s nothing like what you are all probably imagining. It’s hard to get the life we have across on here because as soon as you hear “alcoholic” it’s instantly viewed as bad.

Being alcoholic is bad, whether a functional one who can hold down a job, love those around them etc or is homeless and lonely.

People instantly view it as "bad" because it is bad.

Doesn't mean he's a bad person but it is bad, that's why people say it instantly.

You are in denial. My boss left her ex-P as he was an functioning alcoholic. He was a lovely man in all respects and not a nasty drunk at all. He sounds exactly like your DP and I'm afraid you can make all the excuses for him but he is an alcoholic.

He's not in recovery at all if he's drinking 8-10 beers every Saturday and Sunday.
He needs to go to AA and so do you for professional support if you both want to stay together. If he carries on drinking in the way he is now and you continue to minimise it... then it will destroy your relationship eventually.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

To be honest, I think you're projecting your own vision of what an alcoholic is, more than we are. Because he doesn't match up with your image of what an alcoholic is, you're inclined to minimise his drinking and put too much weight on a "change" that hasn't actually stuck.

I'm an alcoholic. The only way for an alcoholic to deal with their relationship with alcohol is to stop drinking. Full stop.

I tried controlled drinking and it was a misery. So I went into rehab and stopped drinking completely. After I came out I went to frequent AA meetings for years.

I am now over 30 years sober. My adult DC have never seen me drink. It was the best decision I ever made. Every good thing in my life stems from my sobriety.

If your DP is serious about stopping drinking he needs AA.

@category12

To be honest, I think you're projecting your own vision of what an alcoholic is, more than we are. Because he doesn't match up with your image of what an alcoholic is, you're inclined to minimise his drinking and put too much weight on a "change" that hasn't actually stuck.

I think this is bang on the money.

OP please understand people aren't attacking you or saying he's a terrible person, they're trying to get you to see that an alcoholic isn't a stereotype, it's problematic drinking that affects multiple areas of your life.

His relationship and health are at risk. Imagine the damage he's doing to his body. Yes people do much worse but you could also say someone with a coke addiction isn't an addict because at least they aren't taking heroin.

Do you want kids in future? I think that makes a huge difference when it comes to advice on next steps.

@LividLover thank you. Maybe I am being naive but with this being a long term issue part of me thinks he would have got worse by now if that was going to happen. Instead he’s a hell of a lot better than a year ago even though he’s still not in control. I would hope that if I developed an addiction and tried to turn myself around, that my partner wouldn’t leave me whilst I wasn’t in the process of doing so. If he slips back to a year ago yes I would leave as I was on the verge of that anyway which led to him detoxing. I do appreciate everyone’s replies even if it doesn’t seem like I’m taking them on board, I am.

So my DF is an alcoholic. He was very bad when my DM died suddenly twenty years ago. He’d sit down every morning and drink a pint of vodka with breakfast. Then he’d drink 3-4 bottles of wine daily.

We got him help and he detoxed. He also got grief counselling to address the psychological reasons behind the drinking. It was more being used to self medicate for grief than because he was addicted.

However, the whole alcoholics can’t drink at all is not true for my DF. He currently drinks 1-2bottles wine per week and nothing else. He goes in monthly for blood and liver function tests and we get copies so we’d know if he’d been secretly drinking. He hasn’t been. It all depends on whether the alcoholic is drinking to self medicate for unresolved psychological problems or if they are actually addicted whether they can successfully cut down to a moderate drinking level.

So, OP in the case of your DH I see a lot of similarity. Yes he’s an alcoholic and he needs to cut his intake by at least half. But I think he is also self medicating for his grief rather than truly addicted to alcohol itself. So he needs grief counselling to address the psychological reasons that are driving him to drink. If he resolves his grief, he won’t feel so much of a need to drink. Then he should be able to cope without alcohol and thus only drink a bit for enjoyment.

He is an alcoholic who is still drinking, op. He has nothing to ‘slip back’ to, as he is still an alcoholic who is drinking.

Have a read of this too

www.verywellmind.com/the-effects-of-parental-alcoholism-on-children-67233

@PlanDeRaccordement thank you for your message. How long has your DF been managing moderate drinking? This is my hope for my BF. If it doesn’t work and it turns out he needs to quit full stop then ok but at least I will know. Before Covid I could go out on a night out to let my hair down and get drunk. I would drink probably more units in a night than my BF would drink in moderation. This is what I can’t get my head around. He has that control after say 7 beers sometimes where he says right that’s enough today and goes onto soft drink. But it’s when he doesn’t have a drink I can sometimes see he wants one. Whereas on a night out I don’t seem to have that “right I’ve had enough” button. But then when I’m not socialising I don’t give alcohol a second though my and I can happily go without for weeks. It’s hard to make sense of it.

My DF has been drinking moderately for past 15yrs. It was the 5yrs after DM passed that he became and was drink dependent. But again, for my DF he was drinking to blot out his grief. After detox and counselling, he proved he was not addicted to alcohol itself. It was always about wanting the numbing of the grief that alcohol gave him. Once he’d praccessed his grief, he didn’t need to numb himself and alcohol just became a glass of wine to have at dinner or a few times a week. He’s much happier overall as well.

You say your DH has some control. Like you say, he stops himself after x drinks and switches to non alcoholic drinks. An alcoholic who is actually addicted to alcohol wouldn’t have that control. The key is to get your DH to get grief counselling and address his trauma before his over drinking becomes an addiction to the alcohol itself. He may, like my DF, be using it to numb his feelings. If he processes those feelings and gets to a better mental place, he won’t need to feel numb so won’t want to drink and he will be able to cut back massively.

@PlanDeRaccordement thank you, that’s been very helpful. He has said himself he uses it to numb certain things like the death of his parents. Thank you again for sharing

Your bf isn't drinking moderately, tho.

I can see that you so want to help your partner. Lets be clear, 8 to 10 beers sat and again Sunday is a hell of a lot of alcohol. As long as you are clear that this is going to be your life with him for a very long time unless he stops completely. You will worry about him, look at him to see how much he is drinking, he may also be hiding drink. You may even start searching for it. You will be his enabler and monitor. Its exhausting and stressful, you are already feeling like this now. It wont get better if he doesn't stop completely. If you stand by him then realise all of this. Whatever you do, do not have children with him.

Try entering the amount of alcohol he has in a week here: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/interactive-tools/unit-calculator

he said himself that because everyone else pretended he was ok it let him pretend too

That's him spreading the responsibility. If you've done something wrong and several people seem to just ignore it, do you feel like you did nothing wrong?

I'll bet you don't, because you take responsibility for your actions. He is making excuses and you're co dependent because you accept them.

@FippertyGibbett

He will maintain his current state to ‘keep’ you. At some point his guard will drop and he will go back to the way he was. Think about if you want this situation in your life , and the life of any children.

It's similar to the abusive relationship thing where they blow hot and cold all the time I think. Every time she gets comfortable he'll get worse and every time she starts questioning the relationship or her place in it he'll go on his best behaviour and rein in the drinking a bit. It's a terrible phenomenon because it keeps you hanging around giving chance after chance. He's even admitting that's how it'll be with that comment of other people noticing it or ignoring it. In other words if nobody's hassling him over his level of drinking he'll just carry on as he is.

Why was it never the aim to stop drinking permanently? Following detox would have been the perfect time to put some healthy coping strategies in place, instead of aiming to be as drunk as is acceptable to those around him, as often as they'll tolerate it.

I wonder if his relationship with the mother of his children broke down because of his drinking?

I apologise if I've missed the answer to this but with regards to what happened to his parents, did he have counselling?