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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is your relationship with your mother like?

72 replies

NameChange17269 · 23/12/2020 21:45

I know this is a very odd question but I am just wondering. I love my mother but I don’t know if I actually like her as a person ? Just some times the way she acts, little bit selfish, not the best up bringing but I think she tried her best, she is just constantly negative and it really gets on my nerves. She is in her mid 50’s and has no real friends. She isn’t in a relationship either so she is on her own. She moans so much about general life and how she is unhappy and lonely, yet she won’t do anything about it?! I offer suggestions and it’s as if she doesn’t want to be helped. I do not know what I’m asking for really - I guess I’m just wondering what others relationships are like ?

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 23/12/2020 23:36

My relationship with my mother is awful, and worse since my father died (who was a lovely person by contrast). I am the last person in the family left dealing with her as everyone else has abandoned ship, or been alienated in various ways. She has a narcissistic personality disorder, but some borderline elements too. I have nursed her through cancer twice in recent years, and that has been difficult because she doesn't like me...or anyone else for that matter. She is always having bigger problems than others, she always talks about herself and turns every event into a story about herself, she constantly criticises everyone and enjoys revelling in the unfortunate events of others lives. She has no empathy, is deeply paranoid, tries to manipulate everyone, is never wrong, everything is my fault principally (usually when I wasn't even present in the event), and nothing I ever do for her could ever be right. I am dreading Christmas, and so are my kids. I keep telling myself it is one day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:47

It’s wonderful. Wasn’t always as she had a massive break down quite a few years ago and as the person closest to her I bore the brunt of her rage. Not a happy time.

But we’re incredibly close now, I can talk to her about anything, having my DD has made our relationship stronger as the best grandma I could have imagined and she’s incredibly supportive of my parenting. DH and she adore each other which is especially nice as his mother is evil and they’ve been NC for years.

She drives me mad with her occasional scattiness and weird diets and she’s an obsessive personality prone to big decisions with little planning (quit her job and moved abroad a few years ago as she simply had to learn a new language sort of thing) but she’s built a life she’s content with now and is as settled as she’s ever been, committed to her latest passion for several years now and is interested in a lot of things, has lots of friends and lovely neighbours. I don’t know how I’d cope without her tbh and don’t want to think I ever will. I feel a lot of responsibility for her which weighs heavy some days. My parents divorced in my teens and she never found anyone else for anything serious. I’m the oldest of many siblings so we all love and help her but I’m the closest to her, geographically and emotionally.

Sorry you don’t have the relationship with yours you want or deserve. My mum’s mum was a malicious bitch who made her life hell so I’m especially grateful for what we have.

TuxedoPanther · 23/12/2020 23:50

My relationship with my mother got a lot better when I started relating to her as a person not as my mum.

Original poster
NameChange17269 · 23/12/2020 23:59

Thank you for your comments. When she had a boyfriend I felt like she made little time for me and my DC. As in she would go out with him every weekend and only see me and my DC once every 1-2 months. Now they haven’t been together a long time she likes to see us once every 1-2 weeks! But I can’t bare her negativity any longer. I feel so sorry for her as she has no life, but how do you help someone who won’t accept help?

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange17269 · 24/12/2020 00:00

I am really sorry @scoobydoo1971 I hope your Christmas goes okay - just think of the children and paint a happy face (even though you shouldn’t have to) xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange17269 · 24/12/2020 00:02

@TuxedoPanther

My relationship with my mother got a lot better when I started relating to her as a person not as my mum.
Maybe this is what I need to do ....

Problem is I just want to tell her what I really think but I feel like it’s too hard. It’s almost like she doesn’t want to be happy.

OP posts:
Diddlysquatty · 24/12/2020 00:02

My relationship I would describe as a bit ‘surface-y’
She’s great but kind of emotionally flat. Never down much but never really excited or emotional
Quite different to me as I’m quite an up and down person and I feel things deeply

GymSloth · 24/12/2020 00:03

I love my Mum. She's the nicest, kindest person. We have shared hobbies and interests, so I find her really easy to talk to and love spending time with her.

I'm sorry that not everyone has this kind of relationship Sad

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 24/12/2020 00:06

I always think if you have just one person in your family you are close to you’re lucky.

Fortunately for me that is my mum. She’s just so lovely and I’ve missed her so much this year.

CrazyFoxLady · 24/12/2020 00:06

@NameChange17269 mine is similar to yours except I'm in my forties and she's in her seventies. The amount of times I tell her something about any of the DDs, it always ends up about her. Today it was, me: oh DD3 is really suffering with her skin at the moment (teenager with acne) DM: Oh, well look at this... blah blah blah (lost the plot by now) sorry... what did you say? Me: I don't know! because you always bloody interrupt me and I lose my train of thought! Again! I think it's because my DM is on her own and has no one to vent to. She's still bloody annoying though. Fml 🤦‍♀️

LillyBugg · 24/12/2020 00:07

You're going to get such mixed responses OP. I have zero contact with my mother. Haven't seen or spoken to her for 6.5 years now and my life is better for it. Honestly if I found out tomorrow she'd died I'd be sad but I wouldn't regret a thing.

ChanklyBore · 24/12/2020 00:09

I miss her. We didn’t always see eye to eye but she died at the age your mum is now, I was 23 when she died and dsis younger.

Bluntasduck · 24/12/2020 00:10

Nonexistent. Haven't seen her for over a decade. She is an awful person

LindaEllen · 24/12/2020 00:11

Mine has got better since seeing her became illegal.

Honestly.

She used to put so much pressure on us to visit much more regularly than I'd choose (it's not like I'd leave it a month or anything like that) but since lockdown we've been forced to call and text more, it's taken away that level of stress and nagging, and we get on much much better because of it.

catfeets · 24/12/2020 00:14

Not great. She was abusive when we were young and she's always been a compulsive liar. She spends a lot of time being nasty about people and wishing her husband dead (I told her she'd regret marrying him and she didn't believe me).
I do speak with her quite often on the phone now as I'm going through a rough time and don't need people who will be telling me to be positive etc.
I get on much better with her than I used to, but I can't stand being around her for more than a few hours.

BexR · 24/12/2020 00:16

A weird dynamic. We love each other.

However she has quirks that bring out the worst in me so I get snappy and feel like a right cow....eg

When I talk she guesses what the end of my sentences are going to be.

She makes every situation about herself e.g getting upset that if I died she wouldnt see grandchildren.

She defers to her husband on every matter. To the extent that when I had terrible time breastfeeding she asked him for his opinion!

There are more. She's just a bit bonkers really. I appreciate I'm lucky to have her though and mostly hate myself when I snap.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 24/12/2020 00:18

I love her but I don't like her.

She loves me but she doesn't like me , I'm not good enough for her, I'm not what she thought I'd be.

So that makes for a fun dynamic.

LookMoreCloselier · 24/12/2020 00:41

My mum is one of my best friends and we keep in contact every day. Shes not a selfish person at all which helps. However she can annoy me by having strong, forceful opinions on 'what should be done' which can result in her well meaning 'help' being quite the opposite and especially in recent years has developed some questionable views on politics etc but I have no issue with telling her I disagree or to butt out. Overall I'm lucky. I hope my sons are my friends when they are adults.

Orangesox · 24/12/2020 00:49

Absolute shite to be honest. She’s very hard work and we would not be friends in any other circumstance. I find her very hard to relate to, because everything is NEGATIVE and it drives me around the bend. Shes pushed her family away, pushes her friends away, treats me like a possession and a plaything. She’s so fixated on the negative in every situation that she’s can’t see any of the positives. I’ve tried to get her professional help, but I’ve come to the sobering realisation that she just doesn’t want it, because she wouldn’t have anything to complain about.

I try my best, and I would nothing more for us to have a better relationship but I have to accept that it’s not going to happen...

MotherOfDragons85 · 24/12/2020 02:00

My mum is hard work, selfish and negative, very me me me, always, always a drama - never happy. She’s always been there for me when I’ve needed it though and has helped and supported me through some very trying times, and for that I’ll always be grateful. However I don’t enjoy her company, we’re complete opposites, and my DC don’t like spending time with her much either.

Shmithecat2 · 24/12/2020 02:03

Really good. Better as we've got older. We still clash on occasion, but nothing to really remark on. She's caring, generous in time, love, and money that she doesn't have (infuriating, but she'd happily live on fresh air if it meant helping someone out). My ds adores her, and I can't imagine her not being around.

StormBaby · 24/12/2020 02:04

I get on a lot better with my mum now she is dead.

akerman · 24/12/2020 02:25

Another one whose mother is a narcissist. She would beat me for not doing well enough in school, list the people she wished she’d had asa child, and regularly humiliate me. I have spent every day of my life longing for a mother who could be a mother

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 24/12/2020 07:19

Another I love her but I don't like her one for me.

She's become odd. The man she married is fucking awful and he has shaped her over many years. But she almost enjoys grief, other peoples misery. She is very popular with people that don't know her so well, oh your mum is so lovely. Hmmm.

It is hard because I feel guilty but my siblings feel the same. She's not nasty, although she can be, she's just odd. She's more interested in other peoples lives and families than her own.

She likes a bit of drama and sort of plays us off each other as if we don't talk to each other to find out. We are not really close because she has become so odd. She is early 70's and honestly I think she's depressed but would never admit that.

Treacletoots · 24/12/2020 07:59

Mines brilliant! I haven't spoken to or seen her for over 12 years because she is the most selfish, toxic narcissistic abusive person I've ever met and I made the decision to cut her out of my life because, well, why would you continue to tolerate someone who actively tries to make you miserable?

Mine treated me like her possession, and tried to control my every thought or action from being 5 years old. When I didn't meet her expectations, or questioned them I was met with varying degrees of abuse, from emotional through to physical, hitting me with a stick around my head and back and so on. When this didn't make me submit to her will she then proceeded to thrown me out of the house aged 14, 15 and 16 to try and control me into begging her to come back and refused to tell the authorities when I went to be housed, because it was all a power trip to her.

I could go on. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I married a man she adored who treated me just like her, which made her very happy, and even took his side when I finally divorced him. Horrible woman.

More recently she's been trying to force her way back in now I have DD, but instead of being nice, she's sent abusive messages blaming me for how she treated me when I was a child. Then messaging random friends on Facebook telling them what an awful daughter I am.

Yes. The relationship has been improved immeasurably from me finally standing up to her and saying no more.