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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is your relationship with your mother like?

72 replies

NameChange17269 · 23/12/2020 21:45

I know this is a very odd question but I am just wondering. I love my mother but I don’t know if I actually like her as a person ? Just some times the way she acts, little bit selfish, not the best up bringing but I think she tried her best, she is just constantly negative and it really gets on my nerves. She is in her mid 50’s and has no real friends. She isn’t in a relationship either so she is on her own. She moans so much about general life and how she is unhappy and lonely, yet she won’t do anything about it?! I offer suggestions and it’s as if she doesn’t want to be helped. I do not know what I’m asking for really - I guess I’m just wondering what others relationships are like ?

OP posts:

DDIJ · 24/12/2020 08:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lovelydiscusfish · 24/12/2020 09:32

Mines excellent now, tho I used to find her very controlling, and indeed we were NC over this for two years. Then my life fell apart and she was there for me in an amazing way. And since then we have talked and now understand each other much better. It’s amazing - I never thought we would get to this point.....

GoldenLabbie · 24/12/2020 09:33

Mine is fine, but very superficial. She is completely emotionally unavailable and always has been. She’s like that with everyone not just me, but I’ve had to learn the hard way not to expect any kind of emotional support from her as she isn’t capable of providing it.

Conversations are very superficial as she doesn’t do deep. She also complains a lot and expects me to listen, I’ve learned to just nod and say ‘mmm yes’ etc because she is simply doesn’t want to hear any kind of advice or possible solutions.

TulipsTwoLips · 24/12/2020 09:44

She is one of my best friends. I appreciate her even more now I have met my inlaws as in contrast to them I realise how much space she gives her own children to be their own people.

You mustn't feel guilty if you don't like how your mum is behaving though. You are not responsible for her happiness.

PenguinBarnotBird · 24/12/2020 10:05

@GoldenLabbie

Same here, mine has zero ability to discuss her feelings (if indeed she has any). Think this stems from her own quite strict upbringing, boarding school etc.

I find it incredibly sad that she has such a superficial relationship with her adult children and her young grandchildren. Also, she’s insanely jealous of us having close relationships with other aunts/uncles.

Have given up trying to get closer to her, it’s distressing to keep failing. Ironically if you asked her she would doubtless tell you all about her wonderful children and grandchildren, (important to keep up appearance of having close relationships) but she doesn’t know anything more than surface level detail about any of us.

coronafiona · 24/12/2020 10:18

I find her frustrating. She will never do as I suggest and she thinks I am wasteful. I am not, I just have a big family to feed.
I think she is tight.
But she is kind. And she is my mum and I do love her despite it all.

ravenmum · 24/12/2020 10:49

My mother was very hard work in my childhood and best enjoyed in small portions as an adult. I can get on with her very well, but when she gets stressed out, she's nasty!

I offer suggestions and it’s as if she doesn’t want to be helped
She probably just wants you to sympathise. Practice a few soothing phrases ("That sounds really annoying!") then if it's leading nowhere, try to gradually move on to something else.

When she had a boyfriend I felt like she made little time for me and my DC. As in she would go out with him every weekend and only see me and my DC once every 1-2 months. Now they haven’t been together a long time she likes to see us once every 1-2 weeks!
I'll be honest - once a month sounds pretty normal for a mother to see a child your age. Of course she spent most of her time with her partner, same as most people. She might even have been pleased not to have to get on her busy daughter's nerves by constantly visiting? Sounds as if the problem now is that she's lonely - is that partly Covid? It's hard to find a partner right now.

GoldenLabbie · 24/12/2020 11:38

Yes Penguin, my mum doesn’t really know anything about me. She doesn’t ask me how I am and has never asked how my day has been. She’s just not interested.

She’d tell everyone that we are a really close family though. But like yours it’s all for appearance sake.

TodgerStrunk · 24/12/2020 12:09

Amazing now she's dead It's an unbelievable relief not to have to be constantly on edge waiting for the next phone call. Especially around Christmas where 1. Everyone else seems to have brilliant mums and 2. She would always ramp up the drinking/lying/control/stress - I am so glad I no longer have to deal with any of it.

dudsville · 24/12/2020 12:20

I spent most of my life misunderstanding my mother. It wasn't until I asked her why she'd done something during a particularly sensitive moment that had nothing to do with me, that I learned that her intention is actually full of integrity and that she's very brave. Since that moment I've reached out to her more, she's responded and we have a beautiful relationship. I feel so thankful to have worked this out while there's still time to have this good experience.

lorn195 · 24/12/2020 12:22

@scoobydoo1971 I can totally relate to this.

Thankfully I have gone LC due to the DC, but she always reminds me her problems are bigger than everyone else (just had the email from her to remind me!!).

SimonJT · 24/12/2020 12:28

The person who gave birth to me has nothing to do with me, thats fine by me, she is a deeply unpleasant person who would bring nothing positive to my life.

The person who has become my mum is kind, patient, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and honest. She is also a fantastic grandma.

poppy1973 · 24/12/2020 12:33

Awful, recently got so bad, that I haven't spoken to her in the last ten days. I feel sorry for my father, as she treats him like dirt. The rest of my family are trying to get her help with the doctor as it has got so bad.

Fuckingcrustybread · 24/12/2020 12:38

It's great, I haven't seen or spoken to her for almost 6 years.

Bitcherama · 24/12/2020 12:38

My mother is a wonderful person and the greatest tower of strength in our lives. She's amazing. I love her to bits and she is an inspiration to us.

bloodywhitecat · 24/12/2020 12:40

Not great, I am not my sister so therefore I am not good enough.

SilverOtter · 24/12/2020 12:43

Difficult.

She can be very loving (suffocatingly so in fact) and needy, but has also screamed that she hates me on numerous occasions and other nasty things like picked on my deepest insecurities. She cannot cope with being alone and can be extremely manipulative. However, she had a terrible relationship with her mother and is very damaged.

I love her deeply but find her very exhausting.

Justcashnosweets · 24/12/2020 12:43

I absolutely adore my Mum. She is a wonderful person, kind, loving, generous and supportive. I'd be lost without her to be honest. I'm sorry that not everyone has a good relationship with their Mums

Lavanderrose · 24/12/2020 13:06

I’ve had a decent childhood but she didn’t and suffered a lot of trauma, she is quite an unhealthy person and Im only just realising this, the older I get. I love her but I like her less and less. I think she loves me but maybe doesn’t like me. She doesn’t like any sort of physical affection like hugs and she’s not very welcoming, her idea of fun is cleaning. She’s also extremely paranoid and often thinks the worst of people first.

alex1889 · 24/12/2020 13:24

Very strained. We live on different continents which helps, and having my DC is a nice distraction as we mainly talk about the kids and she's a doting grandmother, constantly sending clothes and toys over. But when I lived under her roof and it was just the two of us, it was awful.

northernstars · 24/12/2020 13:26

Non existent and happily so. Couldn't bear me from birth then became progressively nastier as I got older. Been NC for over 20 years now and she is just someone I used to know.

CarelessSquid07A · 24/12/2020 13:33

Urgh I'm very similar love her as my Mum but we can't really stand each other as people.

Went no contact last year after a massive argument and it was such a relief. I didnt like who i was around her I would get totally stressed about everything and she would be calling all the time.

I always felt like she wanted a lifelong companion and friend that was like herself from quite a young age and I really needed a parent at that time and I ended up feeling like the parent a lot of the time.

abstractzebra · 24/12/2020 13:36

My father committed a serious crime and got sent to prison.
Before this, he was a liar and a cheat.
My mother has stood by him through thick and thin denying everything he has done despite him clearly being guilty.
I absolutely cannot stand her and her spineless, pathetic behaviour putting him first before everything.
On the plus side, it's taught me a lot about how I don't want to be and I haven't seen her for years.
On an extra plus point, I could already see that she was going to be difficult in her old age but not my problem.

On the other side of things, I'm a mother of two adult children and I would say that dealing with some really horrendous things and generally having a tough life has made me a bit emotionally unavailable and I could be perceived as being a bit bitter. Sometimes life just wears you down and it obviously becomes more apparent the older you get.

IceColdFan · 24/12/2020 13:38

Terrible, absolutely terrible. My mother hated me from the day I was born as she never wanted children, let alone the female variety, she always said if she had had my brother first she wouldn't have had any more children. In her sick little head men (My father) only wanted boys, not girls, and that way she would have only had to have one child.

I've been NC with her for almost 7 years now and it's one of the best things I ever did. She was physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. She is a very, very bitter and nasty woman. My brother has turned in to her and my dad is a coward.

UniversallyUnchallenged · 24/12/2020 14:21

The best, something so special. So strong that even though she’s gone, she remains. If my kids grow with the wall of fierce love she had for me and DS, I’ll be happy. I knew she would always do anything for us, absolute trust in her to just be Mam, she never faltered. Though god help us if we crossed her 🙈🙈🙈, will of iron but fair, generous, compassionate, funny, quirky and kind (to all who she thought needed it), not just us. I was always very proud of her. Then but more so now, she was a life force. With big things I sense check - what would she have said, done and use that as a compass to navigate by.

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