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Original poster

Friends with benefits

41 replies

Abcdefgh12345 · 23/12/2020 18:12

Where to start...
I met a guy on a dating site and hit it off straight away.
I wasn't ready for a relationship after not long coming out of one and he felt the same. We agreed on friends with benefits.

He's taken himself off dating sites. It's been 2.5 months of this arrangement.

Over that time he has told me he doesn't want to do the dating thing as it's not serious etc.

He has helped me move house. It's not just sex. We go on long walks with his dog, we spend the evening together cuddled up watching films and sometimes don't have sex. I have been working nights and he has offered me to sleep at his so he knows i definitely get some sleep.
I have finished a night shift, gone to his and he has had a cooked breakfast ready for me.
He has told me to walk into his house rather than knock. When he runs out of certain foods he says "we" need this and that before he buys it.
If it's pouring with rain he asks me to let him know when I get to work
And now he has spent over £100 on me for Xmas.
He has taken me out for a meal
He has told me it's not just about the sex but the company too.

But he still says he's not ready for a relationship but treats me as if we're in one.
I've seen him everyday the last 5 days because he's asked me to.

What do you guys make of this?

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2020 18:18

Bit of a headfuck.

Pay attention to what he says and take it at face-value.

Otherwise you're likely to talk yourself into believing he wants more and then one day he might turn round and be off with a "I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship" and break your heart. He might just like having the benefits of a girlfriend including the companionship, but not the commitment, and he may never want that with you.

Guard your heart if you're going to keep seeing him.

seensome · 23/12/2020 18:32

I would say he's wanting more of a relationship with you, if this isn't what you want then spend less time with him.

JurassicParkAha · 23/12/2020 18:38

This is a situationship. You can google it.

All the benefits of the girlfriend/boyfriend experience, without you actually being one. If you don't want more, then this is perfect. If you do want more, walk away before you get hurt. Atm he likes you, like your company, sex, cares for you - but not enough to call you his gf, or to progress it to anything meaningful. He doesn't see a future or he'd be worried you'd meet someone else. This is just a temporary filler before he (or you) find the real thing.

It also means, he could meet someone perfect tomorrow and dump you and start a real relationship with her, because he just doesn't see you as anything more than a fwb with extras. Really depends on whether you are ok with this, knowing it has a definite end date, or want more.

JurassicParkAha · 23/12/2020 18:44

If you really want to know what he wants - tell him you would like to make this a bf/gf situation and try being in a committed relationship, because the current arrangement isn't working for you. And see what he says. If he doesn't want to do that, you have your answer. He'd rather see you walk away, then be your bf...

The whole point of a 'relationship' is you can have these conversations and both be on the same page.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2020 18:46

I'd say he is warning you it might not last so don't expect it to. Take a step back he sounds like a user.

litterbird · 23/12/2020 18:48

Tread very carefully on this one. Always believe what they say to you. If you want a relationship with him then tell him. If not then carry on as you are but be ready for him to disappear from your life when he is ready for a relationship.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/12/2020 18:49

I would be wary. I was in a similar position with someone last year. Met online, went places together, stayed at each other’s houses, he took me out for my birthday and wrote on his calendar in his kitchen (he lived with his teenage daughter) the weekends I didn’t have my kids, told his daughter about me, etc but never actually called me his gf. I then found out (from him) that he was still on the dating apps 5 months later and didn’t believe in monogamy.
So basically, he wanted the benefits of a relationship but the freedom to shag around. I told him that wasn’t for me thanks.

jessstan1 · 23/12/2020 18:53

I think he likes you but it is early days. Two and a half months is nothing. Just enjoy what you have for what it is but keep your options open. We cannot tell whether this relationship will develop into something deeper or not but it doesn't sound bad at the moment.

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2020 22:30

He doesn't see it as a long term thing but likes you well enough for now. It could develop - 2.5 months is nothing and his feelings may change, but don't count on it.

Indiethecat · 23/12/2020 22:43

Listen to his words and don't think you can change him. He has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship.
If you change the goal posts or get upset he will simply say he told you so

SandyY2K · 23/12/2020 22:46

Could it have something to do with him not socialising as much as he normally would due to coronations, so having you helps with that?

He gets friendship, intimacy and good company.

I'm wondering why people always want to paint men as users. If he's using her, she's using him.

I wasn't ready for a relationship after not long coming out of one

The OP didn't want a relationship either and these comments below don't show him as a user...he's being pleasant.

He has helped me move house

I have been working nights and he has offered me to sleep at his so he knows i definitely get some sleep.

I have finished a night shift, gone to his and he has had a cooked breakfast ready for me.

If it's pouring with rain he asks me to let him know when I get to work

I've seen him everyday the last 5 days because he's asked me to

My comment on this is you need to be less available on his request, or it seems just on his terms.

Labobo · 23/12/2020 22:56

It sounds like you are ready for something more permanent. He doesn't think he is. In your position, after Christmas I would become a lot less available. Start dating other people. If he asks, be honest and say that you've realised how much you loved the bits of being with him that felt like a more permanent relationship and you are ready for one now but you know he isn't. If he misses you, he'll get in touch. If it really was just a nice man (he does sound nice) making the most of a casual arrangement, then you are better off moving on before you get too hurt.

MixMatch · 23/12/2020 23:00

Listen to what he's saying. He doesn't want a relationship. If a guy is into a woman, he's keen to make it exclusive and official as he feels so fortunate to have her and to be in a relationship. He's treating you like an escort for sex and company. Break it off now before you get hurt.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2020 23:21

He's treating you like an escort for sex and company.

No he isn't.

Read what the OP said:

He has helped me move house

I have been working nights and he has offered me to sleep at his so he knows i definitely get some sleep.

I have finished a night shift, gone to his and he has had a cooked breakfast ready for me.

If it's pouring with rain he asks me to let him know when I get to work

OP can dissect his motives and listen to the thoughts of people on MN of course, that's her prerogative, but she should also listen to his words.

He's told her he isn't ready for a relationship. However nice he is being to her (see list above) and however well they get on, he HAS been upfront about not wanting a relationship and OP needs to take ownership of her decisions and stop seeing him if she does want a relationship as he doesn't want the same thing. He's done her a favour by being honest but she needs to listen to what he's saying.

Mermaidwaves · 24/12/2020 03:38

Beware OP! Always listen when they say they only want FWB some men are really good at reeling you in. He is giving himself options here, all the benefits of having a girlfriend without any of the constraints. If you are only FWB he is still free to meet someone else. It happened to me, I convinced myself he would change his mind, guard your heart OP or ask him what he really wants from you.

daisychain01 · 24/12/2020 04:03

As far as FWB go this is about as reasonable as it gets.

He's giving you companionship.

There's sex sometimes but not 100% based on that.

He seems to be treating you with respect, and it seems that he's someone with a tendency towards respect rather than a complete user.

I have to say, I find FWB to be a weird concept because I cannot imagine being able to logically and rationally separate body from mind without it being a complete head fuck. The fact the other person can at any stage just say, thanks I'm done, nice knowing you, without there having been any commitment, makes it all feel too temporary. But if it suits both people, then who am I to argue!

So if it's your 'thing' and you don't want commitment, I guess this arrangement with this guy is a reasonable balance along the lines of "its probsbly better than nothing".

daisychain01 · 24/12/2020 04:07

@Mermaidwaves

Beware OP! Always listen when they say they only want FWB some men are really good at reeling you in. He is giving himself options here, all the benefits of having a girlfriend without any of the constraints. If you are only FWB he is still free to meet someone else. It happened to me, I convinced myself he would change his mind, guard your heart OP or ask him what he really wants from you.
Isn't the concept of FWB a mutual arrangement - it isn't like the OP has gone into this thinking it could become a steady relationship - neither of them want a commitment, so both of them are "leaving their options open" not just him.
Porridgeoat · 24/12/2020 04:09

You told him first you weren’t ready for a relationship and he responded saying he felt the same. However I suspect he really does like you and does want to be your boyfriend.

Do you like him enough to want to date him? If so why not suggest forgetting friends with benefits and instead being girlfriend boyfriend.

Porridgeoat · 24/12/2020 04:12

I think you led the friends with benefits idea and he just went along with it

kermits · 24/12/2020 06:32

@jessstan1

I think he likes you but it is early days. Two and a half months is nothing. Just enjoy what you have for what it is but keep your options open. We cannot tell whether this relationship will develop into something deeper or not but it doesn't sound bad at the moment.
I second this
AlternativePerspective · 24/12/2020 06:41

People are too quick to write a man off as a user.

It was the OP who said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and he followed suit. Perhaps in fact he is the one who is more into the idea of her than the other way around. if the OP doesn’t want a relationship then she equally shouldn’t be leading the bloke into thinking that perhaps she’s up for a relationship after all. He’s the one showing that he’s caring but equally she’s the one who is happy to accept it and yet says she doesn’t want a relationship.

If the OP has changed her mind then she needs to talk to him, not just ask what he wants. They’re both giving the other impression they want more without actually saying it.

Wiredforsound · 24/12/2020 06:54

He’s doing what it says on the tin. Friends help each other move house, hang out with each other, get each other a good Christmas present, treat each other with meals...that you also have sex me and you a FWB. There’s nothing inconsistent with what you’ve both stated you wanted. If you want more then you will need to tell him.

Wanderlusto · 24/12/2020 07:34

'We agreed on friends with benefits'.

OP it doesnt matter shit how he acts because he has told you he does not want a relationship. If you feel he is acting too lovey dovey for a fwb - then put some clear rules in place.

Often these things don't work because the guy (from my exp, tho may be possible the other way around) may not want to commit but still wants the woman to fall for him. For his ego. So he acts really into her and like a loving bf would-In order to lower her guard. But you can bet that the second she starts to think 'well, he is pretty awesome so maybe we can be something more', his ego will be stroked (and his head turned by some other woman perhaps) and it'll be all 'but I told you I dont want a relationship'. And you'll be left scratching your head,made to feel like you were the one bot sticking to the agreement.

Get some ground rules down. Or if you now do want a relationship then have the talk with him. If he doesnt or he umms and ahhs then end it.

partyatthepalace · 24/12/2020 07:48

@JurassicParkAha

This is a situationship. You can google it.

All the benefits of the girlfriend/boyfriend experience, without you actually being one. If you don't want more, then this is perfect. If you do want more, walk away before you get hurt. Atm he likes you, like your company, sex, cares for you - but not enough to call you his gf, or to progress it to anything meaningful. He doesn't see a future or he'd be worried you'd meet someone else. This is just a temporary filler before he (or you) find the real thing.

It also means, he could meet someone perfect tomorrow and dump you and start a real relationship with her, because he just doesn't see you as anything more than a fwb with extras. Really depends on whether you are ok with this, knowing it has a definite end date, or want more.

This.

I had never heard the term but is exactly what he’s up to.

Porridgeoat · 24/12/2020 09:36

You told him first you wanted FWB and weren’t ready. You set the scene/tone.

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