Stonewalling after an argument

[soopedup]

How do you resolve conflict in a long term marriage?

My husband refuses to listen or discuss any issues or grievances. He just ignores and retreats. I’ve taken to emailing him which then still gets ignored. I’m left adrift. I’m having weekly counselling myself to work out how to handle this. I was upset yesterday after he acted like an arse towards me in front of our kids. There’s no way to express or get any resolution to that situation though. How do you tell somebody what they’ve done or said has hurt your feelings if there’s no expression of remorse or conversation about it. Does he just get to say or do what he wants? I don’t understand this behaviour. Can anyone help me please?

You stop engaging and chasing him, and consider splitting up instead. He's shown you in countless ways that he is not interested in sorting things out.

Utterly no point trying to reason with the unreasonable and if it's got to the stage it's impacting your dc, you have to stop and think what it's doing to them living with this.

My "D"P is the same. Refuses to talk. I always end up messaging him which he then ignores. We live together and have been for almost 13 years now, one DD together. Own our house together.

After begging for about 3 years to go to counselling I've given up and have told him I am leaving him. He still doesn't believe me and I'm leaving it quiet over Christmas, but come Jan 1st I will give him a deadline. Worst case I'll take him to court to get child arrangement sorted and to force him to sell the house.

Is that the only solution do you think? It’s making me extremely depressed that I can’t air my opinion in a way that gets feedback/recognition from the other adult in the house

@ISeeTheLight has it always been like this?

I would say it has gotten worse over the years; he refuses to compromise and he never accepts that sometimes he is wrong. Our communication is absolutely dire - perhaps that is partially my fault - I can get pretty emotional quickly - he calls it "tantrums" but then never wants to listen to my point of view. So my solution was counselling - we'd equally get a say and would be forced to communicate and listen. But he refuses to go - there is always some excuse; "I'm busy with work" usually. (We live 5 minutes away from his mother who is more than happy to look after DD and counsellors are available after working hours).

So I've given up - there is no way he will change. My entire life is fitted around what he wants - we live near his family, the house is decorated completely in his style (I hate it), he even chose the car yet doesn't drive and I pay for it. He doesn't want a cleaner because "he doesn't agree with it". Etc. And I've decided I'm no longer having it. I refuse to live like this. I'm planning my exit - I started a new job last week rather than being self employed so I can get a mortgage. I have started writing a parenting plan as we'll need to agree on child arrangements. And so on.

@ISeeTheLight brilliant. Good luck to you. Sometimes you have to just say no more. I want a better life than this before depression grinds you totally down. Our situations sound very similar. My new year plan is a job. I wish I’d got out years ago

My ex was like. I became a mess. It's horribly invalidating and torturous. You never know where you stand. I started therapy and realised he had not one ounce of compassion so things would never change, he just didn't care so I broke up with him. It still took me a year because if become so unsure of myself. I've never looked back.

@soopedup thank you - absolutely, at some point enough is enough. Good luck - both with finding the job and planning your great escape!

Yeah, that's called sulking (not just stonewalling). And it's an abusive behaviour. It's designed to control you by punishing you for daring to behave in a way he dislikes.

And yes, he does think that he can behave however he wants, and that you're not alliwed to express an opinion on it.

Sorry, OP.

This just means that nothing will ever get resolved. So issues will grow and grow and grow.

What happens if you do something he doesn't like? Does he ignore you until you stop doing it, or simple ignore every time you do it?

Stonewalling is one of the key predictors that a relationship will end. It is toxic behaviour that us usually so deeply ingrained that even counselling cannot change it.

His need to be right, not be challenged or forced to compromise overrides your feelings. Once you understand it's done to ensure he gets what he wants you stop putting yourself into the cycle and can then plan on leaving.

Longterm invalidation of feelings can lead to physical ill health as your body is running on adrenal overload. This is the reality so having a plan to leave is sensible.

Useful books are Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationship and Lundy. These will help to validate your feelings.

Everything @Techway is bang on.

I was with a controlling man like your husband for two years. It was soul destroying. My tastes, wants, needs were second place to his. My feelings were dismissed and I relate entirely to this phrase:

‘His need to be right, not be challenged or forced to compromise overrides your feelings’.

This is no way to live. Make 2021 the year that you free yourself and your dcs from this toxic behaviour. He won’t change.

I found divorce very useful and not bad at all compared to what I anticipated.

Thanks for the advice everyone

Think of a small child stamping their foot because things are not exactly as they wish them to be. How hard it is for a child to share or if they are asked to dance to someone else's tune for a bit.

That's essentially where your husband is at. He's not developed enough yet to tolerate not always having his own way, or to really take anyone other than himself into account. He doesn't seem to want to think about this or work on it - instead it's his way or the highway.

It's a shame because with some good therapy he could grow a lot but it seems vanishingly unlikely he will invest in it.

@soopedup, how are you? What I had to learn (and it took years to sink in!) was that Ex didn't want a mutually beneficial relationship. Once you "get" this then you realise pleading or emailing to get your feelings understood is utterly pointless. He doesn't care if you are unhappy.

It might be the same for you but occasionally my needs or the children's would align with his and that is when I thought we had a breakthrough. However If he ever had to compromise he felt genuinely aggrieved and "controlled". This caused him to have more anger/resist me more and so the cycle continued.
Did he have a difficult childhood with a domineering parent?

@anonnnnni, I'm sorry you can relate to this behaviour...it is utterly soul destroying as it completely invalidates your feelings, which feels invalidation of the self. Well done on getting away.

@Bumpsadaisie, I used to think therapy was the answer but experience with Ex was that he had to accept his reactions/thought processes were the issue BEFORE he started therapy. Had he been able to acknowledge his faulty thinking then therapy might not have been needed. It's the equivalent of an addict entering therapy when they don't believe they have a problem. They go to tick a box or to be indulged and even validate their feelings. He would need to say to Op, "I want to change how I react to you, I want to be able to hear your issues and respond in a way that shows I love and care for you.Despite trying I can't do it so will attend therapy to change"....these words are never uttered by someone with a deep sense of entitlement!

I'm new here, saw this and wanted to talk from a male viewpoint. I know my partner looks at this site so may be she will see this and understand my feelings though i'd love to get peoples help. We have been together a long time and had a really turbulent relationship. She is regularly threatening to leave me and seems to blame me for being unhappy. I do love her but constantly feel like i am overwhelmed because every time we talk about more complex things we argue she storms of shouting, slamming doors and has on a number of occassions threatened to kill herself saying i don't love her. I avoid taking when i see she is in a foul mood and get accused of stonewalling. I want to talk and did go to a counselling session with her then covid hit. I struggle to sleep as i keep running through my head all the hurtful things she says to me. She slept part of Christmas day then half of boxing day leaving our child waiting to open presents. I desperately asked for help from her family but they don't help, telling me she threatened to commit suicide before i met her so ongoing issue and she constantly tries to push my family away and seems only happy when she has me all to herself. But i still love her. How do i break this cycle? I don't believe you are with someone for so long without loving them and i feel you do everything you can to try to save a relationship. I still see my life with her and our child.

You should never have to change yourself or your behaviour die to someone else's horrible behaviour. Stop looking inwards and thinking you can 'fix' him if you just do/say the right thing. He is the one with the issues and you cannot resolve those issues.

Get yourself out.

*due to

@LiveDayByDay you need to start your own thread on the relationships board. This is an exciting thread.

Plenty of good advice awaits you once you post your issue in the right spot.

*existing

I I am angry about something, I tend to sound off and then withdrawal.

I can then have a rational discussion later.

@newwayofthinking i am the same. I tried to stop arguements escalating by leaving a gap between the event but get accused of stonewalling. Its really difficult to talk when in a heightened sense of upset and often things i say are taken completely out of context so i avoid saying things. Then when things have calmed down i try to talk but often she is too tired, its too late or she has a headache. I think she thinks she is the only one struggling yet in the past i have been so desperate i have asked both her parents for help and friends. She thinks i don't love her as i haven't proposed yet the real reason is i just didn't think i could take pressure of a wedding and was concerned she couldnt either. Now she thinks i am pushing her away when it isn't true.

OP you used the word stonewalling which implies this isn't just a difference in communication styles, and that it feels deliberate and even controlling to you. So I would trust your gut here. I think you have to shut him off for your own sake. If the cycle is he starts an argument by being rude or nasty, you retaliate and he then stonewalls you it's not something you can talk to him about. Plus it's not working anyway.

So you'll need to tell him the very next time (or even now) very calmly that you want to start divorce proceedings then proceed to do exactly that. Tell him it's not working snd you don't want the conflict. I would first get copies of financials together (and out of the house) and see a solicitor so when he starts lying about what you are not entitled to etc you will have informed answers. Not emotions. Emotions don't work here.

Maybe if he's not a total twat he will have an epiphany but I wouldn't hold your breath. And no he doesn't get to just do it say whatever he wants. You need to stop doing things for him and being considerate. He's a nasty test that doesn't deserve your courtesy.

It's one of the '4 Horsemen'. It's toxic, and he needs to do something about it because it destroys relationships. Can you get him to have a bit of a read about it, if you ask him when things are ok between you? There's nothing you can do about it, except try to understand why he does it, and hope that he'll want to change.

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/