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Original poster

Does this mean he isn’t attracted to me

30 replies

ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:22

Hi everyone
I recently started talking to this guy. He is amazing in every way. He is so sweet and says the nicest things and tells me how attracted to me he is. He seems to really like me. We have tried to sleep together on two separate occasions now and both times he couldn’t get an erection. I dont know where to go from here. Does this mean he doesn’t find me attractive enough,,he acts like he finds me super attractive so I’m so confused and upset.
Advice to like be great x

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:22

*advice would be great

OP posts:
YouShouldLeave · 22/12/2020 20:28

PIED?

Lex345 · 22/12/2020 20:29

No it doesn't mean he isnt attracted to you-he could be nervous, experience ED or have death grip, or other reasons. What did he say?

MeMarmiteYouJam · 22/12/2020 20:29

He probably masturbates too much. And probably to porn. It's very, very common.

Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:33

I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t really know much about the condition but I know he can get erect,,I’ve felt it whilst we’ve been getting close hahah and he has children..

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:34

He is very embarrassed and says it’s not me he’s super into me. He doesn’t know what’s going on,..

OP posts:
MeMarmiteYouJam · 22/12/2020 20:34

It gets worse over time, and it isn't a consistent thing.

Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:36

I just don’t know if I should call it a day with him.

OP posts:
HighSpecWhistle · 22/12/2020 20:36

The only time this happened to me was when I was 17 and the boy came out as gay soon after.

Have you discussed it? Tbh it would be a non-starter for me. Its just no fun trying to do anything with a limp penis and he should really seek help before dating. Whether it's psychological or physical.

How old is he? Did he say if it's something he regularly experiences? Has he been drunk each time?

It's a no from me.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 22/12/2020 20:39

Its probably just stage fright...my dh couldn't perform the first couple of times due to being nervous but hes fine nowGrin

Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:40

We discussed it a little, I didn’t want to push him as I didn’t want to embarrass him. He is early 30’s and as far as I am aware it’s not something he regularly suffers with. The first time we were drunk so I put it down to that, this time we

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasFling · 22/12/2020 20:40

We weren’t

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 22/12/2020 21:46

It's definitely not about his attraction to you. It's that he can't hold an erection - could be psychological or physiological, who knows.

If your really like him, you could try it one more time. Still doesn't work then walk away - it's not something you can help with, he needs to sort it himself.

JurassicParkAha · 22/12/2020 21:51

I did have this with one guy - he had never had the problem before. 29. I suspected it was because he was still a bit heartbroken from his serious relationship break up 7 months ago - and it affected him psychologically. But I never figured it out, he never did either, and it just wasn't worth it.

Trickyboy · 22/12/2020 21:57

Are people really this I knowledgeable about male sexual arousal . ?

Firstly it has absolutely bugged all to do with porn and/or masturbating. That's about as accurate as the old wives tale about going blind if you want to much . It's not a finite resource.. it doesn't 'run out' !

Erectile dysfunction is very normal occurrence for men when they get in their forties and older. Slightly rarer at a younger age but still not uncommon.

It can be caused by all number of physical issues. High blood pressure, enlarged prostate to name but two.

The other causes can be due to over indulging in alcohol.

By far the most common especially in younger men is 'performance anxiety' . This is a really horrible situation to get in because it becomes a never ending self prophecy. You don't think you will get erect because you didn't last time... and so put too much pressure to do it this upon yourself and fail again..

Usually with people you really care about.. hence the high degree of pressure.

You both need to take the pressure off.. you need to do a bit of reading about Erectile Dysfunction OP.. it is something that can be helped with patience and understanding.. and there is always medication if that isn't working. Good luck !

Redundant98 · 22/12/2020 22:00

If he gets an erection in the morning, but doesn’t at other times, I think it means it’s psychological. There’ll be more information on the NHS website - just Google. And talk to him about it. I know of a guy who needed to try a few times with his girlfriend, it was perfomance related, and now he’s fine.

sundaysupperclub · 22/12/2020 22:10

How much does he does he watch porn & masturbate?
Too much can lead to ED, especially if he's fairly young.
Can you discuss it with him?

Girlzroolz · 22/12/2020 22:29

Trickyboy

A lot of what you say about the physical/medical causes of ED is useful, but you also need to do some reading up.

The porn/masturbating issue- that lies at the intersection of physical and psychological- is a now very common and worrying trend. It’s not about wanking too much and ‘emptying the tank’, it’s about the precedent you set when your ejaculations involve increasingly niche stimulus (the porn) and the setting (alone) and the technique (hand or device). The theory goes that if you get yourself too used to this (fairly artificial) environment, your body and mind will refuse to play ball in real-life sex scenarios with another person involved.

It’s a valid suggestion for OP to consider. It’s also unfortunate if that’s true, because it’s so unlikely a guy will be willing to discuss it (or get the proper help). So much easier to put it down to medical or mystery reasons, than admit it’s possible that he’s turned himself off normal women on a diet of bigboob/nurse/bdsm. Or as I heard a therapist say about this ‘don’t go down rabbit-holes, unless you are prepared to only encounter rabbits!’

theverygrumpysanta · 23/12/2020 01:16

I'd proceed carefully.

My ex suffered from this and in the end it caused serious issues - the more it happened, the more paranoid he got about it and the more insecure I got (thinking it was because he didn't want me).

It's important to raise it with him and have a frank discussion, but equally he's probably already incredibly embarrassed and likely feeling incredibly insecure about his own performance.

Either way; it's unlikely to be a reflection on you. The fact he stuck around after the first time it happened, rather than doing a runner in embarrassment, means he clearly does like you. I'd just give him time, not pressure him and when it does eventually work out don't make a big deal over it :)

MizMoonshine · 23/12/2020 02:42

When my partner and I were starting out, he couldn't maintain an election with me. I was the first woman he had attempted to have sex with stone separating from his wife. It was entirely psychological.
We went our separate ways for a few months. When we finally got together, after months of getting to know each other, there was no issue at all.
Believe him and give him time.

CatAndHisKit · 23/12/2020 03:08

Happens when a (young) man thinks you are out of his league physically, and possibly overall puts you on pedestal. So him saying he's super-attracted goes well with that explanation. I had that with my ex in our 20s, at the start. But thees kind of men tend to be a bit oversensitive - with ex the issue has returned years ago when we had a rocky path emotionally. It's a type - some men just never suffer from this (regularly, I mean).

I think he needs a drink but without getting drunk - just to relax a bit, if that doesn't helphe could try psycho-sexual counselling which does work but you both need to be patient.
Depends how interested you are.

Lovelydiscusfish · 23/12/2020 11:27

No, certainly doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you. I wouldn’t be panicking first couple of times - that’s pretty common. If it goes on you might need to try different ideas - viagra? What you really DO need is for him to be willing to discuss it. But I can see that might be tricky in a new relationship - some people are just more comfortable discussions sex than others...... But really, if you are gonna have it, you need to be able to talk about it.

Good luck!

litterbird · 23/12/2020 11:35

Its not you, believe me. He probably likes you so much he is anxious. Just relax, get to know each other slowly, dont rush anything and if it happens again just talk about it openly. If it becomes a long term problem then a quick pop to the doctors to just get him medically checked out would be a good idea. Do you know if he is on any medication? Some anti depressants have an effect on sex drive.

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2020 11:37

I experienced this with a couple of guys when I was in my twenties - long before internet porn was available. It's psychological most likely- fear of being unable to perform.

Since you hardly know him, you could just stop seeing him, though that wouldn't help his self esteem and confidence at all. If you like him, give him more time to get to know you and feel comfortable. Can you ask him to focus on pleasuring you and not put pressure on him to perform?

LaBellina · 23/12/2020 11:42

If he wasn't attracted to you, I don't think he would try to have sex with you on a second occasion. My ex once had this with a girl he was dating before me, he was attracted to her but mentally in a very bad state after his father had died not long before. He described it as one of the most embarassing moments of his life.
I think you should have a talk about it with him but I'd approach the subject very carefully without any assumptions because he'll probably already feels bad enough about it and further shame will not help.
If he refuses to talk about it or doesn't want to find any other solution, then I'd be out, tbh.