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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am married to a teenager

45 replies

LoveSpringHateWinter · 22/12/2020 19:20

Ok, well not literally. But I feel as if I have a teenage son rather than a husband.

He has turned the spare room into a 'games room' which is exactly the same as the room he had at his parents. He is on his computer from 9am until 11pm at night, and when he finishes work at 5pm he wants to watch cartoons or pay Xbox all evening. He sleeps in there too.

He wears the same clothes for a whole week (night and day) and I have to nag him to change, wear deoderant, brush his teeth, etc etc.

When I subway going for a walk he says no, he wants to stay in, it's too cold, he can't be bothered etc etc.

His diet is crisps, sweets, biscuits and cereal.

He has definitely got worse, I've noticed this decline since he started working from home due to covid in February.

We are both nearly 30. I feel so low that this is my life. I want to have a baby in the not too distant future but it seems I have one already! And I would feel guilty if we had a child as I think it would put too much pressure on him as he's obviously mentally immature.

I am going through a hard time at the moment already, with bad anxiety and depression. I would find it hard to pack my bags and got in my mental state.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/12/2020 19:47

Manbaby aside for the a moment is your depression and anxiety managed OP, and does it relate to anything specific?

For the love of christ don't have a baby with this clueless twonk.

OliveToboogie · 22/12/2020 19:57

Please please don't have a baby with this child, it will not end well.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2020 20:02

This is very hard, but I think you need to accept reality and admit to yourself that you made a huge mistake in marrying this man. He is not going to change, I can promise you that. FGS, do not bring a baby into this. Get a divorce and find someone who wants the same things as you do.

Treacletoots · 22/12/2020 20:09

What Aquamarine said. I thought initially you may have unfortunately married my exH. He played on his Xbox day and night, did nothing to help, refused to cook anything and ate chicken nuggets from the children's menu in a nice restaurant.

I could go on. But the upshot is, he won't change. This isn't any way to live. Divorce the fucked before he wastes any more of your precious life.

You can use the gaming as one of your reasons for divorce, I did. Then got abuse in Klingon over text as a result. Says it all really.

Madamswearsalot · 22/12/2020 20:13

I'd echo @Closetbeanmuncher and say focus on your own mental health at the moment and once you feel in a better place, consider your options.

It may also be that the decline you have witnessed in your H is related to anxiety and/or depression. Or it could be that he was always heading back to this state and this year has made it easier to do it. Either way, it's not for you to fix.

Maybe, once you're feeling stronger you can talk to him about what's happening, how it makes you feel and what you would like to change. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem then you make your plans. You may not feel it, but you're still young and have a whole life ahead of you. It will feel daunting to walk away but it would be such a waste to stay.

pilates · 22/12/2020 20:24

How unattractive. Please don’t have a baby with him, way too many issues. Marriage guidance? Has he got any positive attributes?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 22/12/2020 20:27

Do not have a baby with him

Really though, your own feeling and me talk health might actually improve if you werent living with someone like him. Having to make someone else wash and brush their teeth? And he wont spend time with you, or sleep in the same room?

He's just looking for an easy ride. You would feel a lot more worthy if you didnt have him making you feel like a babysitter.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 22/12/2020 20:28

*mental health

GettingUntrapped · 22/12/2020 20:28

OP, men are not worthy of women. Here's a song you can listen to about this.

It's called Stand By Your Man by Tammy Winette.
You have to look it up as it's hard for me on a mobile.

SainsIsOrange · 22/12/2020 20:34

Taking you for granted a bit isn't he?
Is this how he'd behave if he were married to (I'm too old to know who the Hot Lady of Now is so I'm guessing a bit here) Taylor Swift?
Or would it be,
"Let me impress you with my cooking / bedroom skills and wit and warmth, for fear you run off with a film star"?
If he wants you to be carried off by someone with more to offer (which appears to be currently quite a wide field even in lockdown!) he should just keep this up...

bookishtartlet · 22/12/2020 20:36

Seriously, for your own mental health get out of this relationship. He will not thank you for dragging him in to adulthood and will blame you for trying to change him. Do not have children with this man. I've been there.

formerbabe · 22/12/2020 20:38

You're 29 and don't have kids? Escape now while you're still young and free of responsibilities.

HighSpecWhistle · 22/12/2020 20:41

Oh dear god no. My partner is a gamer. But he plays for 2 hours at night when I'm on my phone. He also does more than his share of chores, he works hard, washes his clothes and himself without being asked. Oh and eats normal adult food.

Please don't have a kid with him. You will regret it. Unless you're happy doing everything for the baby (and they're hard work) while he ignores you both in his games room.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Girlyracer · 22/12/2020 20:45

OMG I can imagine him OP. How disgusting and selfish of him. Surely he must have been a slob wearing scruffy t-shirts and buying computer/gamey stuff before marriage.

I wouldn't even give an ultimatum, those type of men don't change. I don't know many but a colleague was married to one. He wasted all his money on shit. She ended up very slovenly dressed like him then the penny dropped.

Get rid, you're young. Start again with a proper man who will spend his non-work time with you, going on days out, making your home a comfortable one for you a d the family.

I honestly will never get, or have time for this infantile way some people live their lives.

Lauraa7 · 22/12/2020 20:55

Sounds like a gaming addiction. Have you spoken to him to say it is too much?

Guineapigbridge · 22/12/2020 21:47

Ew, this gives me a massive dose of Ick.

Craftycorvid · 22/12/2020 21:55

Goodness! Run, dear, run like the wind. At 29 you have so much life to live, please don’t waste it waiting in vain for your chap to grow up.

SimplyRadishing · 22/12/2020 21:57

@Aquamarine1029

Agree with this.

He hasn't suddenly changed. This is who you married.
If you want kids (with a decent father) leave now.

Jenifirtree · 22/12/2020 21:57

Dont have a baby with him. He wont get better. This is him.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 22/12/2020 22:31

Not even 30, you're not really that far off your teens yourself. Which means you're young, with lots of time, and no reason to saddle yourself to this life. Do not have a baby with him.

DianaT1969 · 22/12/2020 22:46

The sad thing is, as he doesn't go out for walks at midday, he's likely to develop seasonal affective disorder (if he hasn't got it already). He'll get even more lethargic. What a waste.

Hailtomyteeth · 22/12/2020 22:49

Anyone can make a mistake - forgive yourself for marrying him and move on. Don't breed with him. Let him go, so you can make a better life for yourself.

Wholetthedogsout1 · 22/12/2020 22:51

OP - run before it's too late. You still have time to find someone else and start a family. Could it be that your mental illness is at least partially caused by your marriage? He is not going to change, if anything, he will get worse. I'm talking from experience.

changedmynameforChristmas · 22/12/2020 22:55

OP he definitely has a gaming addiction. It has replaced everything else in his life and I bet he has 'friends' who play the game who understand him better than you do (being sarcastic here)

If you love him and still want him he has to stop the game and never play again. If he won't then walk away while you still have a life and create a new one with someone who will value you.

My bloke was hooked on World of Warcraft. It took over his life, and in order for us to continue the game had to go. He had a whole new set of friends on there and it was astonishing how it gripped him.

This was a long time ago. He has an addictive personality, and WOW tapped into his ego and fed it and drained every drop of life from him.

I gave him an ultimatum. He got rid of everything. The bloody fool.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/12/2020 23:00

"I am going through a hard time at the moment already, with bad anxiety and depression."

"He wears the same clothes for a whole week (night and day) and I have to nag him to change, wear deoderant, brush his teeth, etc etc."

Honestly, it sounds to me as if BOTH of you have bad anxiety and depression. He's 'medicating' it by retreating into his screen (and his childhood).

How long have you two been married @LoveSpringHateWinter? And what was his behaviour like before February?

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