I didn’t invite my mum to my wedding.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I’m feeling awful, horrendously guilty, as I’ve hurt my mum. Due to Covid we have had a tiny wedding ceremony. It’s a second marriage and we had our dc and two friends as witnesses. We are intending to have a full wedding blessing and party next year when hopefully things are better and we can celebrate with everyone. We did have a bit of a celebration together in the pub. Unfortunately my mum found out - my fault entirely- I shared a pic that I thought was private and unfortunately my settings were not completely private and another relative told my mum. We are Tier 2 and Mum is tier 3 so it wouldn’t actually be within the law for her to attend a wedding reception anyway. Mum is crying and devastated. My brother texted saying that I am disgusting and he never wants to see me or my fat husband again. He said ‘no wonder your daughter slices her wrists.’ My teen dd has self harmed in the past and we are getting support from CAMHS. I try to give her a stable home with us. Brother does have aggressive tendencies and I try to avoid him, but that was obviously hurtful.

Mum has a history of becoming drunkenly abusive, particularly at events where she isn’t the centre of attention. She didn’t tell my grandad’s children from his first marriage that he had died and so they missed the funeral. At the funeral, one of her friends gave a eulogy that was all about how wonderful my mum was.

At a different event, she got so drunk that she started screaming and shouting and went off in her car!! I had to prevent her taking my dd with her.

She doesn’t see her grandchildren v often - maybe once or twice a year and she shows no interest when she does. She doesn’t babysit and offered no support even when I was a single parent and really really struggling.

She didn’t come with me to my wedding dress fitting because I wanted to bring my dds and friend (before Covid hit) and because I wouldn’t drive 40 minutes in the opposite direction to prick her up so she didn’t have to drive.

She wasn’t a great mum when I was a kid. Stepdad was violent, which she knew and did nothing about. She had affairs and used to bring me along as cover when she met up with these men. She has many many hangers on who adore her and she’s spent a fortune on surgery to look beautiful, but when I was struggling and the dc were small, she never came to see me - even though she lived 5 mins away.

When the rules were changed, I took the opportunity to tell mum that the wedding was postponed. I intended (and still do) to invite her to the blessing and party. But I just wanted to get married without worrying that she would get drunk and abusive, or make it all about her. I was going to tell her in person that we had a small legal ceremony. But now she’s hurt and she’s told all her friends how terrible I am. I’m on honeymoon but am just so devastated and guilty. I can never take this back. I’m meant to be having Christmas dinner with her

If I had told her she would have just turned up. That’s why I didn’t.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I haven’t got over being hit so hard that my stepdads handprint came up in bubbles on my leg. Or being kept out till 1 am as a ten or eleven year old while mum snogged random men. Or having her try to pull my terrified eight year old into her car when she was about to drive off drunk.

Then for heaven's sake, why is she still in your life?!

You either forgive her (assuming she's changed) or you don't and you stop having contact. If not for your sake, then your kids sakes.

Sympathies OP, your mum sounds just like mine. Right down to the fact that her own siblings have cut her off.

After much dreadful behaviour (from her) and me trying to tiptoe round her moods and lies (and failing) I have been no contact with her for 8 years and life is far calmer and happier.

Just cos someone is a blood relative it doesn't give them the right to treat you so badly.

She has very limited contact with my kids now. None unsupervised. It’s not that easy - my aunty had years of therapy. You are objectively correct of course.

She hasn’t changed. How could she?!

It seems like a light switch has gone on in your head recently, you’re beginning to feel brave enough to realise the horrendous abuse you suffered. There’s an amazing book Toxic Parents, it’s a great start. I’d suggest a counsellor too for support

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

It seems like a light switch has gone on in your head recently, you’re beginning to feel brave enough to realise the horrendous abuse you suffered. There’s an amazing book Toxic Parents, it’s a great start. I’d suggest a counsellor too for support

Thank you, I will. I think it’s difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it and of course I wanted my mum at my wedding! Any woman would. Can you imagine how painful making that decision was? I’ve been so confused and guilty.

You’re beginning to stand up for yourself and that’s a bloody good start.

Have you read the “Stately homes” threads on here? You’re very much not alone.

I will take a look, thank you. I do still feel guilty and I probably haven’t handled things well. But I’m not confrontational at all and this isn’t something I would do lightly.

OP, if I had an upbringing a like yours I would have ditched my mother long ago. Look at your marriage as a fresh start and concentrate on that. Forget her. Don’t do Xmas dinner. Ignore your brother and concentrate on the good in your life.....your new DH and children. They are what’s important. Congratulations on your marriage and I hope you have a lovely Xmas with your DC and DH.

@WB205020

OP, if I had an upbringing a like yours I would have ditched my mother long ago. Look at your marriage as a fresh start and concentrate on that. Forget her. Don’t do Xmas dinner. Ignore your brother and concentrate on the good in your life.....your new DH and children. They are what’s important. Congratulations on your marriage and I hope you have a lovely Xmas with your DC and DH.

Thank you - I really appreciate that x

It’s not you, it’s obviously her, given how many people are nc with her. Just because she gave birth to you, does not mean that you need to have her in your life. Allow yourself to be free. Let her go.

Thank you. I’m here right now and it’s beautiful. Trying to enjoy it.

of course I wanted my mum at my wedding! Any woman would.

Did you want your mum, or the mum you deserved but never had?

@akittencalledjesus

of course I wanted my mum at my wedding! Any woman would.

Did you want your mum, or the mum you deserved but never had?

The latter. You understand completely. I really wanted a mum who loved me and the kids, who was there for us.

You sound like a great person OP. Considering your mum's behaviour when you were growing up, I would shun her, but you seem to have forgiven your mum. I can't understand forgiveness on that scale. You are a much better person than me.

Best wishes on your wedding and congratulations to your DH.
I don't think you did anything wrong.
Your mother was and is abusive, who would want a scene stealing drama queen at their wedding? Nevermind the history of abusive behaviour.
I understand that it is really difficult for children of abusive parents particularly mother's to separate the reality from the ideal of "Mum" and it's not helped by this societal idea that all older parents are owed unwavering loyalty and devotion from their children.
But you really need to try break the cycle. Whatever will work for you, counselling, reading around it, a support group or mumsnet.
Try your to enjoy your honeymoon now an put her out of your head as much as possible.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't understand from experience, but I understood what you meant.

Be kind to yourself. You did what was right for you by getting married without your mother there. If only she had done what was right for you when you were young perhaps she wouldn't be in this position, but that is for her to deal with. You focus on you.

Congratulations again. Here's to many happy years!

Thank you! We are very in love. I just would love mum to be happy for us and maybe apologise for her earlier behaviour. I would love her to be at my blessing, doing a reading or something. That won’t happen though and I’ve spent many years wanting something other than what I have.

Read the book toxic parents. It changed the way I see things and really helped me. I didn’t invite my own mother to my wedding either. I had a very similar upbringing to you.

Your Mum is awful. You haven't done anything wrong. On the upside, let her keep blanking you, your life would be better without her.

I've spent many years wanting something other than what I have

That's just it though, isn't it? She is never going to change into the mother you have always wanted. The longer you go on hoping, the longer you will put yourself through this torture.

You can't change her behaviour but you can change yours. There's loads of good advice from people on here. It really is time to do something positive about this, and rid yourself of her toxic influence. How any mother can behave like she does is beyond me.

You haven't failed as a daughter, she has failed you, and continues to do so.

Congratulations on your wedding! I'm sure it was a wonderful day, if not in part due to the fact that you weren't spending half of it getting anxious waiting for her to kick off. Now imagine the rest of your life with the same freedom?

As well as the Toxic Parents book, this website is really helpful. Sounds like it's time to cut your mum and brother out for good... make this the start of your new life.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Congratulations and well done for having a wedding you will look back on fondly with people who love you, and can put you first for a day, without being drunk, abusive arseholes.

Don't feel guilty.

Have a great Christmas with your newly official family.

Congratulations. You'd better go and get some Christmas food in although beans on toast sounds fab compared to spending it with this awful person. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, she is very damaged and in turn, damaging. Somehow, full credit to you, you've come out as a fab person. Don't allow yourself to be damaged and continue the pattern.